Minors + Adults...Opinions?

ok my turn. i think age gaped relationships, even if one of the parties involved is very very young, can still work. here's why.

Elphaba and i are 6 years apart. we started dating under 2 unusual circumstances, one she was 18 when we first met, and two we met online. i was living on my own by that time, she was till living with her parents. I had a full time job, payed my rent on my own, ect. she just browsed the net and drew artwork when the urge hit her. We talked for about a year before we met in person, story following, and through our relationship elph began to take more responcibility for herself. She got a job, started saving money, began to seriously think about her future. needless to say we were going full steam ahead.

Imagine her mother's shock when she walked into the den the day before her trip and said, "mom, I'm going to New Orleans to meet my online friend i've been talking with." Up until this point all her mother knew was that we talked online all the time. She probably had suspicions and all, what mother wouldn't, and as i'm sure you've guessed she freaked. Elph called me crying saying that her mother wouldn't let her visit. I worked my charms and through several confirmations, and chats with my own family, elph's mom gave the green light. she fully moved down to NOLA with me the following year. Six years later the 2 of us are still happily together and growing stronger still.

Her family entire lives in north dakota, they have never encountered a person like me in their lives. when i made the trip to see her family i got a 50/50 reception. many of her dad's relatives i feel still disprove of us to this day, one of whom i'm scared shitless of cause the woman is too quick to grab a shotgun to solve her unwanted cats problem. just about all of her mom's relatives love me. despite this divide in her families opinions about us we still make it work.

TO say that the guy just wants her for the sex is very narrow minded. You are making a ton of assumptions based on one of the most general facts about the dude, his age. Age being nothing but a number also applies outside of relationships too you know. And to princemercury, i feel like you've already made up your mind and are convinced this will fail. none of us know anywhere near enough of the facts to make up our minds 100% about this issue. many thought about elph and i the same way you view the OP's relationship. they were the ones cleaning eggs of their face, not us.

I don't think your relationship is a bad thing. but i will tell you this, take it step by step like elph and i did. we rushed nothing. if the fella tries to rush things, take a few steps back. if its meant to work out it will. funniest thing about elph and i, when i realized how close we were getting I tried to put on the breaks. she was the third girl i'd started to become close with after talking with her online. Thankfully the breaks were cut by fate and i'm happier then i've ever been in life.

My advice to the op: listen to every single word of relationship advice you ever get from Fellina. She knows her shit and more than once in the past I really wish I had listened to her advice about things involving relationships so I wouldn't have made the mistakes I made. Though it's true that sometimes you just have to make the mistake yourself before you can finally see how wrong you truly are.

Negative reinforcement is the fastest teacher, you know. Honestly no one ever takes my advice, and I never expect them to, haha. People usually already have their mind made up on what they want to do, they're just looking for advice that confirms it. But if you can tell them something, that after the fact makes them think "shit I should have listened", then they're not going to make that same mistake twice. At least that's my hope, and the reason I give advice I know won't be followed.

Now I need to go deflate my super-advice-guru ego for the night.

I don't have the time right now to go through all the posts, but I'd like to add some reassurance for the OP.

I've always dated younger girls and even on the edge of "pedophilia" status, which wasn't the case and of course it was always assumed that I was in it for the physical aspects, and it was always way off. A person gets to know a person and feelings start to grow, age is just a number at that point. I've dated someone older than me that had less maturity than someone who was "way too young." It all comes down to the other party's experiences and knowledge of who they are themselves and whether or not there's a connection. Honestly if a 12 year old came up to me tomorrow and they were the best thing to ever happen in my life you better believe that I would hold on to that shit and never let go.

Your mom flipped out, and while it may not be her fault but more of how she was raised, she sounds pretty closed minded. I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope both you and your significant other can find a way to get past this however that may be. I wish you both the best of luck.

iaredrew said:

I don't have the time right now to go through all the posts, but I'd like to add some reassurance for the OP.

I've always dated younger girls and even on the edge of "pedophilia" status, which wasn't the case and of course it was always assumed that I was in it for the physical aspects, and it was always way off. A person gets to know a person and feelings start to grow, age is just a number at that point. I've dated someone older than me that had less maturity than someone who was "way too young." It all comes down to the other party's experiences and knowledge of who they are themselves and whether or not there's a connection. Honestly if a 12 year old came up to me tomorrow and they were the best thing to ever happen in my life you better believe that I would hold on to that shit and never let go.

Your mom flipped out, and while it may not be her fault but more of how she was raised, she sounds pretty closed minded. I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope both you and your significant other can find a way to get past this however that may be. I wish you both the best of luck.

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If you think it's possible a 12 year old is the best thing that's ever happened in your life, you're just flat out pathetic.

P.S. If I could throw up and take a crap on your post I would. You make me sick.

"I date young young young, even borderline pedo" Get a damn life.

Enlenne said:

.it gives me almost a year to think about the kind of guy he is, how genuine he's being, and what it is I'm doing/if I'm making as big of a mistake and some say I am.

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The most intelligent vibe I've received from you.

What I don't get is why people confuse morals and law. All laws for age of consent are placed there as a convenience for cases of statutory rape. Anyone who just blindly follows a single date is just being ridiculous. Why would a parent go absolutely ballistic over a 17 year old dating a 30 year old, and then be perfectly fine with it when the 17 year old turns 18, 2 days later?

When I was 23 I had a 16 year old girlfriend. She was more intelligent, more interesting, and more fun than any girl I have ever dated. Her parents were fine with it (the even came over and spoke to my parents), and yet, I was treated like absolute shit by my friends; people who had been my friends for years. Why? Because people get hung up on absolutes. Every situation is unique.

Also, does the actual age of the older individual really matter? If you are going to blindly get hung up on the date the younger individual turns legal, what does it matter if the older person is 19 or 49? You can't just pick and choose, either it's the blind legality that is important (and thus an 18 year old dating a 76 year old is nothing to be disgusted about) or it is the morality of each individual case.

I like trying out hypothetical situations to show people how ridiculous absolutes are. Try this one out sometime:

Say you're dating a girl who's 18. Everybody is cool with it, her parents, your friends, etc. Say she was adopted, and was moved around alot in the system, her paperwork is screwed up. One day the paperwork is found and it turns out she's actually only 14. Does that automatically make a normal situation disgusting?

Enlenne said:

She just keeps telling me, "There's only one reason he'll want to hang out with a 17 year old girl."

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This.

I'm not saying he's a creepy perv, or that all guys are creepy pervs, I'm just saying your mom has a very good point there.

Maybe he's not like that, but you just gotta be careful. It's a tough situation. If you have any doubt in your head, though, you should probably just end it. Is it worth fighting with your mom about it all the time? You're young.

Do you guys have a lot in common? I like dating around my age because the interests are usually similar.

My girlfriend is one year older than me and we have tons of shit in common. We spent Saturday having sex and playing through Ocarina of Time. It was awesome. (That's irrelevant, but still, best Saturday ever.)

And Drew...

"I've always dated younger girls and even on the edge of "pedophilia" status"

That's probably not something you should be telling people. Also, 12? Really? I wouldn't date Sandra Bullock if she were twelve and I love Sandra Bullock more than I love air and Jon Lovitz combined.

Princemercury said:

If you think it's possible a 12 year old is the best thing that's ever happened in your life, you're just flat out pathetic.

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You know what? FUCK YOU.

Did I say it was highly probable? Fucking learn how to read and get your empty head out of your own asshole. Now I have a new reason to be happy if something great came along no matter what the age, I'd know in the back of my head I'm doing better off than your unloved sorry ass.

Freysi said:

What I don't get is why people confuse morals and law. All laws for age of consent are placed there as a convenience for cases of statutory rape. Anyone who just blindly follows a single date is just being ridiculous. Why would a parent go absolutely ballistic over a 17 year old dating a 30 year old, and then be perfectly fine with it when the 17 year old turns 18, 2 days later?

When I was 23 I had a 16 year old girlfriend. She was more intelligent, more interesting, and more fun than any girl I have ever dated. Her parents were fine with it (the even came over and spoke to my parents), and yet, I was treated like absolute shit by my friends; people who had been my friends for years. Why? Because people get hung up on absolutes. Every situation is unique.

Also, does the actual age of the older individual really matter? If you are going to blindly get hung up on the date the younger individual turns legal, what does it matter if the older person is 19 or 49? You can't just pick and choose, either it's the blind legality that is important (and thus an 18 year old dating a 76 year old is nothing to be disgusted about) or it is the morality of each individual case.

I like trying out hypothetical situations to show people how ridiculous absolutes are. Try this one out sometime:

Say you're dating a girl who's 18. Everybody is cool with it, her parents, your friends, etc. Say she was adopted, and was moved around alot in the system, her paperwork is screwed up. One day the paperwork is found and it turns out she's actually only 14. Does that automatically make a normal situation disgusting?

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What the fuck is wrong with you?

I agree every situation is unique, that's fine, but really, we all knew why you went seeking for a 16 year old. If you were 23, why the hell were you out seeking mid teens? Maybe he was "Smart, intelligent" according to your levels. I think it makes more sense you were at the same "omfgsmart" rating as a 16 year old. And from your post you don't look to bright either.

To your last comment: Yes that's disgusting, who the hell cares if it's "ok" or not, if you find out she's 14 then it shows her maturity (stupid). Kind of completely nulls your "the 16 year old I dated was smarter blah blah", what if you found out she was 12? According to you, it would just be another great day... right? But then we all know you're just another typical loser. Not my opinion. Facts.

Princemercury said:

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I agree every situation is unique, that's fine, but really, we all knew why you went seeking for a 16 year old. If you were 23, why the hell were you out seeking mid teens? Maybe he was "Smart, intelligent" according to your levels. I think it makes more sense you were at the same "omfgsmart" rating as a 16 year old. And from your post you don't look to bright either.

To your last comment: Yes that's disgusting, who the hell cares if it's "ok" or not, if you find out she's 14 then it shows her maturity (stupid). Kind of completely nulls your "the 16 year old I dated was smarter blah blah", what if you found out she was 12? According to you, it would just be another great day... right? But then we all know you're just another typical loser. Not my opinion. Facts.

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It's not a fact because you say it's so. Sorry, but that's not how it works jackass.

You also fail at logic considering you're trying to prove that papers lost in the system makes the person in question "stupid."

iaredrew said:

It's not a fact because you say it's so. Sorry, but that's not how it works jackass.

You also fail at logic considering you're trying to prove that papers lost in the system makes the person in question "stupid."

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I think the situation unfortunately would not work out for the better. The reason for this is, there is a huge probability that the 30yr involved has experienced a lot of life, with that I mean bars, one night stands, multiple jobs etc in comparison. However every situation is different.

A 15/16/17 even 18 year old more than likely has not gotten his/her fix of late club nights, bad decisions whereas theres a good chance the 30 yr old does not necessarily want to re-live that having "been there done that".

Speaking from experience, I started dating someone before I turned legal drinking age, a couple years before the legal drinking age and he was already 3 years into the bar scene. That being said, by the time it was my turn, he only had another year or two left in him then was genuinely sick of it having realized how much money he blew on it. Then tried to convince me to spend more time staying home then doing my thing... not to keep me home, but to settle and save money. Not Cool, why? Because here I am, 26, with a crap load of responsibilities shared with him.. and I still have yet to live my late teens through early 20's to my satisfaction..

On the other hand, you could be the person that is comfortable being a home body as he may be too. Or he may want to be a early 20yr old forever and continue with the late night parties etc. follow your gut but don't lose sight of reality and good luck

Princemercury said:

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Oh man, you got me there.

iaredrew said:

I don't have the time right now to go through all the posts, but I'd like to add some reassurance for the OP.

I've always dated younger girls and even on the edge of "pedophilia" status, which wasn't the case and of course it was always assumed that I was in it for the physical aspects, and it was always way off. A person gets to know a person and feelings start to grow, age is just a number at that point. I've dated someone older than me that had less maturity than someone who was "way too young." It all comes down to the other party's experiences and knowledge of who they are themselves and whether or not there's a connection. Honestly if a 12 year old came up to me tomorrow and they were the best thing to ever happen in my life you better believe that I would hold on to that shit and never let go.

Your mom flipped out, and while it may not be her fault but more of how she was raised, she sounds pretty closed minded. I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope both you and your significant other can find a way to get past this however that may be. I wish you both the best of luck.

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First off pedophilia is being attracted too girls of a certain age, or in a certain stage of their development.

Secondly to call her mother closed minded is ignorant. Parents have to operate like the police, on statistics and numbers, and the odds are by a very good margin that in these types of situations, the ADULT is not genuinely interested in the CHILD in the way they're leading the child to believe. Parents don't have the luxury of saying Opps after something goes wrong cause it's too late then.

Honestly there is nothing I would ever see in a 12 year old that would make me want to be involved in any type of relationship with them.

And my advice to the OP, before you get really serious about anyone, live on your own, because you don't really know yourself until you live by yourself. And after you do, though you think you're mature now, you'll look back after you've finished school, started your own home and not believe just how much mature you are than before you started any of that.

Been there. I dated someone older when I was 16. It's fine to say that love knows no age and doesn't discriminate, but that lies on the assumption that you can comprehend what love is (and most people at that age cannot). I can safely say that I had no idea what love was back then, as four years down the track I'm still unsure.

The thing about teenagers, is that they change and develop quickly in a very short period of time. You can't compare a couple in their forties with a seven+ year age gap, to an adoloscent and someone in their 30s because you can almost guarantee that the two adults are fairly grounded in terms of their identity. Which begs the question, how can you love someone or give yourself to someone if you don't know the very essence of that which you give? In turn, how can the other person be in love with you, if your person isn't fully formed?

Also relationships are about sharing. It's much easier and somewhat more enjoyable to share with someone who is at the same place as you. You learn things at the same time, you grow together. You can like a thirty year old guy, you can be friends, you can have things in common - it doesn't mean you'll be able to understand each other or contribute much to a relationship with him, and it most certainly doesn't mean you have to sleep with him. If sex isn't the main interest, then there's no problem right?

My advice: find a nice boy your age. Relationships are fun at our age and there is no obligation for us to find our one, true love right this second. There will be plenty of time to date guys in their 30s when we're 30

Locking for time being.