Advice, Please.

Myrrh

Myrrh

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Myrrh
Okay so after one of the best day of my life i got a call from my birth father who i haven't seen in about 17 years.

He tells me he has cancer and wants to say sorry for the past and some other shit. Now I've never thought about this my whole life but should i meet him to hear his lies about how or why he hasn't called till now or should i just go on with my life? my mom tells me i look just like him and shit. Also he said he's rich but i don't want that to be why i go meet him.

So what should i do? Ignore the chance to meet my birth father who beat me when i was a baby, beat my mom, and my brothers or meet him and see why he did it, why he hasn't called to find out about my health(he left after he knew i had CF)
 
Myrrh said:
So what should i do? Ignore the chance to meet my birth father who beat me when i was a baby, beat my mom, and my brothers or meet him and see why he did it, why he hasn't called to find out about my health(he left after he knew i had CF)
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Because he beat you, I would say no. People who beat their wives/children are trash. I have no respect for that.
 
While I agree with pako on the whole trash thing, this is a slightly different story. I'm not saying what he did was right in any way/shape/form, but your older now. Your brothers are older. If nothing else, at least find out why he did it. The fact that you want to know why he did it is reason enough. But I'm not telling you what to do, Myrrh. In the end, your the only one that can make that decision.
 
Miruyasha said:
If nothing else, at least find out why he did it.
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Find out why he beat you when you were a baby?
Find out why he beat your brothers when they were children?
Find out why he beat his wife?

There is no "why" in why people beat babies and children. They're abusive. Or insane. One or the other or both.
 
Then why not find out which it is? There's always a method to madness. I'm not saying he has to be comfortable with what his father did, and I'm not telling him that he has to go see him. I'm saying that if he wants to know why, thats' the only way to know.

In any case, I hope whatever you decide on is what you really want.
 
I don't think I could do it. I'd be curious as to the why, but that's still a boundary that's been crossed.

Honestly 90% of us have had our dads beat us in some way... but they know when they're crossing that border, and depending on the situation you have to expect there's no coming back from it.

I'd wish him well and move on myself... my old man was actually in the same boat Myrrh. His real father fucked off at some point, I dunno the whole story there, but he was raised by his mom's boyfriend. When I was 15 or so (I didnt know any of this until I was 18), my real granddad called my dad and asked to meet up. My dad's response: "you're not my father".

Total friggin star wars shit, it was inspiring.
 
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If I were you...I'd say at least hear him out, even if it turns out to be something you may not wanna hear. I personally couldn't live with the idea of being the cause of someone passing on, leaving something unsaid...but that's just me, and it really is up to you. Just, y'never if you'll get another chance like this ever again. =/
 
Feign interest in his stories and then take the inheritance and think of it as revenge.
 
i would personally go, because you don't want a looming "what if" over your head for the rest of your life. Your older now and maybe he just wants to make amens with yout, or try to, before he passes on. In in the end the choice is totally up to you, but that is what i think. Good luck with whatever you decide on!
 
Go check it out. If you don't like it 5 minutes after meeting up with him, do you think you really owe it to him to stay longer?
 
LOL, it'd be classy to be there, listen to him for like a minute, then punch him in the face and walk out on him.
 
Well if i did hear him out i would have to fly to alberta. He'd pay for it all most likely but it's still a lot to think about. >.> fucking friday the 13th >.<
 
Better do stuff that you'll regret later than regretting having done nothing at all...

o.O
Something in the lines of that, you get the point...
 
Dejan said:
Better do stuff that you'll regret later than regretting having done nothing at all...

o.O
Something in the lines of that, you get the point...
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I think what he means is, its better to regret what you did than to regret what you didn't do. As most people have said, he's probably just trying to fix things before he goes. Sometimes when people are reminded of their own mortality, they think of all the things they've done wrong. They think of how to fix every wrong they've commited and this is his first step. He may have beat you, but he's gonna die from cancer. No one deserves either. I say to hear him out at least.
 
If he dies......

The question that will obviously pop in your mind.

"I wonder what he wanted to say?"

Can you live with and handle that question not being answered?

I couldn't and so I would go.
 
Dejan said:
Better do stuff that you'll regret later than regretting having done nothing at all...
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That's definately the truth. You have moral support from your friends here man; get a friend to go with you in case things go sour. Otherwise, go and see him. If he has cancer and it's gone too far to remove then this could be your last chance. Everyone makes mistakes and his are inexcusible and unforgivable. However, what's a second chance? A second chance could be viewed as an opening for history to repeat itself, or a second chance could be a guarded trap as to remove someone from your life while keeping your conscience clear. There's a number of ways you can look at it, but if I was in your position I would ask myself: Should I take this possible last chance to see my father? I would, but I would be cautious about it.
 
Given the past history, and the lack of attempt to get together before terminal cancer indicates that this is likely to be a self-centered approach to dying. If you do go, he will most likely make it about him and not about you. You significantly risk adding insult to injury if you misunderstand or don't prepare for the true nature of the reunion. If you expect that to happen, and I'm talking in all likelihood he doesn't care about you and just wants to feel better, then you will fare better. All the things you've imagined about your dad for the past 17 years will be modified if you do meet him. That can be good or bad. There is no official healthcare or psychological standpoint on biological reunions. Sometimes they help by aleviating wondering. Sometimes they don't help when the reunion replaces the imagination that you had a well-meaning dad with the reality that he was simply selfish and manipulative and used you as a tool to make himself feel better in his last months of life.

If you go, I suggest knowing why he wants you there. For him, not you. If you go, I suggest knowing why you want to be there: for you, not him. I would even make that perfectly clear before you go, over the phone to him, just to prepare him that you know the intentions here and are in control of them. Make a list of questions that you want answered if you go. Dominate the conversation. Don't let him babble about his wants and needs and regrets like he in all likelihood expects to. You should also remind him that if he has any children that you don't know about, they need to be tested for CF trait, and that it's his obligation to make sure they know.

That you ask is indicative that you wish to go though, so I would encourage you to go.
 
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meet up with him and hope to get in his will,
as sick and twisted as it sounds if some motherfucker beat me and my bros and sis' and mom ill get mine
otherwise on a nicer aproach just go on with you life and ignore him :/
 
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Tagrineth said:
LOL, it'd be classy to be there, listen to him for like a minute, then punch him in the face and walk out on him.
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Classy indeed.
 
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