I dont post things this long usually. But since this topic is almost dead, I figured not to many people would care much.
This is right from the Life of a Goblin Smithy blog, regarding the kidnapping of the Warp Taru. I thought it was funny as hell but the blog does things backwards (most recent on top) so the story was out of sync:
This morning, things at work were absolutely bat shit insane.
Turns out a whole bunch of mobs from the Al Zahbi area decided not to show up and there was a huge Besieged scheduled to take place.
What do the powers that be do in this type of situation?
Do they postpone the event until our forces can arrive?
No.
Do they send in what forces we have and hope for the best?
No.
Do they reinstitute the draft and take unwilling participants and force them into war?
Uhh... yeah, apparently.
I'm getting geared up for my usual duty in Yhoator. You know, sharpening the sword and scotchguarding my armor to protect it from n00b blood.
And that's when they came in. Two big, burly Gigas (those sons of bitches) stomp their way in and start choosing random mobs to throw into battle.
Then, I noticed something strange. Something alarming...
They were pointing at me.
Well, gee freakin' whiz. Lucky me.
The next thing I know, I'm being rushed out the door and wrapped up in some strange Near East clothes. It looked like I was the lead actor in Pirates of Penzance.
Smithy was not happy.
So, I'm standing around in the most uncomfortable gear ever created and who do I see?
Shaman.
Luckily, Pathfinder was nowhere to be seen.
GoblinPathfinder>> HEYA, GUYS!
DAMMIT!
I have to stop saying shit like that.
GoblinShaman>> Hey, Pathfinder.
GoblinShaman>> Heya, Smithy. What's up?
GoblinSmithy>> Not much. Hoping not to die.
GoblinShaman>> Let's not shoot for the stars here.
GoblinSmithy>> Very funny.
GoblinSmithy>> If I die, I'm haunting you.
GoblinShaman>> And how exactly that would be different from now?
GoblinSmithy>> I'd say ' Boo' a lot more.
GoblinShaman>> Ah.
GoblinShaman>> Arer you two going to be cool together?
GoblinSmithy>> Well... he's not driving a car...
GoblinSmithy>> I'm cool with it if he is.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah, well...
GoblinPathfinder>> You're not driving a car either!
GoblinSmithy>> Nice comeback.
GoblinSmithy>> Did you hurt yourself?
GoblinPathfinder>> A little.
GoblinSmithy>> Nothing a couple of stabbings wouldn't cure.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll be okay.
GoblinSmithy>> I hope not.
GoblinShaman>> Smithy, stop that. Be nice.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'll work with him if I have to.
GoblinShaman>> That's the spirit.
GoblinSmithy>> Whatever.
GoblinSmithy>> Let's go.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wait. I made you a card.
GoblinSmithy>> If it says "Let's BEE friends," you're retarded.
GoblinPathfinder>> ...
GoblinPathfinder>> nevermind.
GoblinSmithy>> Thought so. Let's get going.
GoblinSmithy>> Let me just grab my hat.
GoblinPathfinder>> MR. BEEINGTON!!!
GoblinPathfinder>> What did you do to him?!
GoblinSmithy>> I found him like this.
GoblinPathfinder>> Really?
GoblinSmithy>> I just found him lying on the ground like this.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh.
GoblinPathfinder>> Okay then.
GoblinSmithy>> You're an idiot.
GoblinPathfinder>> What?
GoblinSmithy>> I said let's go.
Now, as soon as we set out, I knew this event was going to suck.
They didn't even warp us to the town gates. Oh hell no. They had to drop us off in the middle of nowhere and make us walk the rest of the way.
Note to self: remember to burn down Bhaflau Thickets
So, there we were, a massive fighting force of Near Eastern undead along with a random assortment of mobs from around the world.
Seeing a Mandy in a robe and turban was just damned funny.
The walk was not.
Anyway, we're marching our way through the Thickets when, out of nowhere, an alliance of adventurers pounced on us and started tearing through our ranks.
Things looked pretty nasty until Shaman and the various Black Mages in our group went to work. Black Mages from every beastman race and continent started chanting in unison and then the air around us turned to fire.
Welcome to the International House of Pain, Bitches.
A handful of Firaga IIIs later, and things were quiet again.
We continued our march, a little more lighthearted at watching some adventurers burn to death, and finally made it to Al Zahbi...
Where three more alliances were waiting for us.
Oh.
Day.
Yam.
But they just stood there. Waiting.
I mean, I've heard of (( Bio )) breaks, but Damn.
GoblinSmithy>> Hello?
GoblinSmithy>> Are you there?
Player1>> We're here.
Player2>> Well... except for one of the DRKs.
Player2>> He went to have sex with his girlfriend.
Player1>> He'll be back in two minutes.
GoblinSmithy>> Okay...
GoblinSmithy>> Umm...
GoblinSmithy>> Why aren't you attacking us yet?
Player1>> We want to see you guys attack the town.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> So...
GoblinSmithy>> You're just going to let us in?
Player2>> Oh yeah.
Player2>> We want to see you guys tear the place up.
GoblinSmithy>> Is this like a remedial class or something?
GoblinSmithy>> Is there a councillor or something to talk to?
Player1>> It'll be fun.
GoblinSmithy>> Seriously.
GoblinSmithy>> WTF is wrong with you people?
Player1>> Just go on in already.
GoblinSmithy>> I feel like I'm in the Special Olympics.
So, we march right on past those guys. Three alliances full of people who signed up specifically to kill us and now, they're giving tours of their homes.
I really don't understand people.
As we marched in through the gates, I was amazed at how big this town was. Goblins not having their own town *coughcough*, I was awestruck at how nice it seemed.
Unfortunately, since this beautiful thing was not mine, I would have to destroy it.
I'm like that.
We went quickly about our work and started killing anyone and anything in our way.
Then, apparently the three alliances must have come out of their stupidity-induced coma because they poured in behind us and started ripping through our lines.
I was just starting to get a nice bloodlust going, when a random adventurer stopped and started to stare at me.
Player4>> Are you supposed to be here?
GoblinSmithy>> No. I'm here to drop off a package.
GoblinSmithy>> Of course I'm supposed to be here, you moron.
Player4>> But you're not Near Eastern.
GoblinSmithy>> How do you know?
Player4>> You're a goblin.
GoblinSmithy>> So, I can't be Near Eastern?
Player4>> Uhh...
GoblinSmithy>> MY MAMA CAN'T BE NEAR EASTERN?
Player4>> Oh damn.
Player4>> I'm sorry.
GoblinSmithy>> EAT SWORD, YOU RACIST PIG!!!
*FACESTAB*
GoblinSmithy>> Btw, can you direct me to the Astral Plinth?
GoblinSmithy>> I'm not from the Near East.
Things took a sour turn after that. The adventurers must have called in reinforcements because we were swarmed.
There were adventurers everywhere.
I was just starting to get scared when the retreat horn blew. Our remaining forces ran in every direction and started to zone.
As I ran for the nearest zoneline, a pack of rabid adventurers hot on my heels, I grabbed an NPC to take as a hostage. Luckily, he was a Taru, so he wasn't hard to carry.
With barely a second to spare, I hit the zoneline and made it safely away.
I was walking away, trying to nurse my own wounds, when I noticed the little Taru mumbling something.
GoblinSmithy>> What?
Taru>> *whisperwhisper*
GoblinSmithy>> No, I don't want a warp now.
GoblinSmithy>> Retard.
I just pitched him in the nearest swamp.
I mean, who's going to miss one little Taru?
- A few days go by-
Sweet merciful Altana, leave me the hell alone!
I haven't had a single minutes rest since my last blog update. Every second has been adventurer after adventurer screaming at me and trying to stab me to death.
It seems you guys must really like that little bastards.
Unfortunately, I don't have your stupid Taru anymore.
Last time I saw him, he was slowly sinking into a swamp. Moron was still mumbling something about warping me.
So, you can just stop following me. I don't have him. I don't.
Can't you tards just go to Windurst and find another Taru or something?
I mean, they're not hard to steal.
Look how easily I took yours.
Okay... bad example.
But no. Every damned adventurer on the planet is now chasing my ass down to get that idiot back.
I don't need that kind of attention.
It's kind of hard to get my stabbing on with a legion of adventurers breathing down my neck.
Just this morning, I was on my regular duty shift in Yhoator Jungle when I got ambushed by an entire alliance of high level players.
They did not look pleased.
Paladin>> Where's our warp Taru, you little bastard?
GoblinSmithy>> Your what?
Paladin>> The warp Taru from Al Zahbi.
RedMage>> We want him NOW!
GoblinSmithy>> Uh...
GoblinSmithy>> I don't have him.
RedMage>> YES, YOU DO!
GoblinSmithy>> you must be thinking of a different goblin.
GoblinSmithy>> I think I saw Pathfinder with a Taru.
Ninja>> Then we'll just have to kill you.
GoblinSmithy>> I totally have him.
Paladin>> Where is he?
GoblinSmithy>> Now?
RedMage>> NOW!
GoblinSmithy>> That's hard to say really.
GoblinSmithy>> You know how small those damned Tarus are.
Ninja>> If you don't give him back, we're going to get angry.
GoblinSmithy>> Get?!
Ninja>> You don't want to see us angry.
GoblinSmithy>> Frankly, I don't want to see you at all.
GoblinSmithy>> Especially that Galka in the back.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn, man. Buy a mask or something.
GoblinSmithy>> You're scaring the mandies.
BlackMage>> Can I just set him on fire now?
Paladin>> Not yet.
Paladin>> He needs to tell us where the Taru is first.
BlackMage>> Nothing starts a conversation like melted flesh.
BlackMage>> I'm just saying.
GoblinSmithy>> Do I get a vote?
Paldin>> No.
GoblinSmithy>> Dammit.
Ninja>> If you give us the Taru, we'll let you go.
GoblinSmithy>> Just speaking hypothetically...
GoblinSmithy>> What if I don't have him?
GoblinSmithy>> What if hes, oh I don't know, in a swamp?
Ninja>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Hypothetically.
Ninja>> Well... then we'd just have to stab you.
Ninja>> A lot.
GoblinSmithy>> That doesn't work for me.
GoblinSmithy>> Could we maybe go with a stern warning?
Paladin>> Not really.
GoblinSmithy>> You've left me no choice then.
Slowly, I moved my body into the classic Praying Mantis stance and unsheathed my weapon.
Then, with a slow, deep breath...
I ran like my feet were on fire and my ass was catching.
The Paladin tried using Provoke, but I wasn't having that shit. He can say whatever the hell he likes and I'm still not getting provoked into dying.
What am I stupid or something?
I was just about to hit the zoneline when I saw it...
BlackMage casts Bind on the Goblin Smithy.
GoblinSmithy>> OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP!
They caught up to me quickly after that. I was trapped and helpless.
What do I do? What do I do?
There were a good dozen pointy things pointed directly at my torso when I heard screaming.
Mercifully, it wasn't me.
RandomPlayer>> WARNING!
RandomPlayer>> PATHFINDER ON WAY TO ZONE!
RedMage>> Should we move back?
Paladin>> Why?
Paladin>> We can handle a Pathfinder, too.
Things looked horribly bleak. My life was just about to flash before my eyes.
And then they got hit by an SUV.
-Later-
I have to admit, I was actually grateful to Pathfinder for a minute or two.
I mean, when he mowed down that field of tards, he really saved my ass. Saved my ass from puncturing to be specific.
And I do so hate having my ass punctured.
I was just about to thank him, when he stumbled, half-drunk, out of the SUV and collapsed on the ground.
GoblinPathfinder>> Iyy yalmosht had joo.
GoblinSmithy>> Me?
GoblinSmithy>> You were trying to hit me?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeaaw.
GoblinPathfinder>> I thing sooo.
GoblinSmithy>> Well...
GoblinSmithy>> Thanks, anyway.
GoblinPathfinder>> Dun thank mee.
GoblinPathfinder>> Iyam yur archnesemis.
GoblinPathfinder>> Archnememis.
GoblinPathfinder>> Archsemenis.
GoblinPathfinder>> Weer not freends.
GoblinSmithy>> Damn, man.
GoblinSmithy>> You sound like an AOLer.
GoblinPathfinder>> Yu tack dat back.
GoblinSmithy>> Or what?
GoblinSmithy>> You'll run down another alliance?
GoblinPathfinder>> Dat wus an alliansh?
GoblinSmithy>> Was being the operative word.
GoblinSmithy>> Now, they look like an expressionist painting.
GoblinPathfinder>> Wassan essipreshinist?
GoblinSmithy>> They is all mashed up right good.
GoblinPathfinder>> Ooh.
GoblinPathfinder>> Long ash sumbuddy got hurt.
GoblinSmithy>> You really are retarded, aren't you?
GoblinPathfinder>> Why do peeple keep askin me dat?
Out of pity, I took Pathfinder back to his house and poured coffee down his throat until he sobered up.
He screamed for the first few minutes, but then the burning swelled his throat shut.
He was mercifully quiet after that.
That was a good thing. Half way to his house he started singing Billy Talent songs and I almost had to murder him.
Eventually, he managed to regain control of his... limited faculties and started talking sensibly.
Well... as sensibly as Pathfinder ever could.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oh my head hurts.
GoblinSmithy>> What did you drink?
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm not sure.
GoblinPathfinder>> I think it was blue.
GoblinSmithy>> Why were you drinking anyway?
GoblinPathfinder>> My new best friend suggested it.
GoblinSmithy>> New best friend?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah. He's cool.
GoblinPathfinder>> Nice little guy I met near a swamp.
GoblinSmithy>> ...
GoblinSmithy>> Did you say a swamp?
GoblinPathfinder>> Yeah.
GoblinPathfinder>> Little guy kept asking to warp me.
GoblinSmithy>> Oh damn.
GoblinPathfinder>> Then we decided to get a drink.
GoblinSmithy>> So you went to an Inn.
GoblinSmithy>> Or a tavern.
GoblinPathfinder>> No.
GoblinPathfinder>> We came here.
GoblinSmithy>> I hate you.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't care.
GoblinPathfinder>> My new buddy went to get some of his friends.
GoblinSmithy>> FriendS?
*knockknockknock*
GoblinSmithy>> Don't open that door.
GoblinPathfinder>> That would be rude.
GoblinPathfinder>> WHO'S THERE?
AngryMob>> Angry Mob.
GoblinPathfinder>> I'm sorry.
GoblinPathfinder>> I don't know an Angry Mob.
AngryMob>> ...
AngryMob>> Flower delivery.
GoblinPathfinder>> Oooo FLOWERS!
GoblinSmithy>> You're so damned retarded.
GoblinPathfinder>> You're just jealous.
GoblinSmithy>> I hope they kill you first.
I don't remember much after that. Pathfinder opened a door, I saw angry faces, and then things went black.
Actually... they went firey and stabby.
And then they went black.
I preferred the black to be honest.
Damn, I hate angry mobs
