Cold Feet-

[Mistra]

Well, the title says a lot of what is going through my mind right now. I'll explain whats going on.

A little while back, I got engaged with a very pretty woman named Charlea-Anne Dubois. I have never in my life met a more caring or compassionate person, and I also, have never met someone so dedicated to a person in a relationship. I couldnt even begin to explain the amount of trust she puts in me, and time, and well, money too I should say. (After our first few dates I had to steal her wallet to keep her from paying for everything. Kind of an inside joke, she once stole my wallet so she could pay for dinner..anyways..)
Mind you, she is a drama queen, as many females tend to be, as well as some males (dont flame me ladies, no offense meant by that statement but I can look past that somewhat, as she calmed it down after I expressed my disinterest in constant drama.

Anyways, at the moment we are both enlisted in the navy, now, I know some others that play this game are in the navy, and I would like to disclaim now that the rumors about all navy women, are in fact mostly rumor. There are exceptions, and Charlea is one of them. I am currently stationed in Mayport Florida, while she will be stationed in Virginia next month. Although it doesnt cost much money for a weekend visit every now and then, it still puts some distance into the relationship. I normally, for the sake of both parties, would have split things and have had us go our seperate ways after leaving San Diego, however, she was intent on pursuing this relationship, and after some consideration towards how I felt about her, I agreed, it would be best to at least try keeping things together through long distances, so long as we both made an effort to see one another often enough.

Things have been going well enough, we stay in contact often, and she sends me pictures of san diego and of herself now and then. (Not naughty pictures ) Charlea is very short, and from a large japanese family, which currently reside in hawaii. Now, we are in fact engaged, and I am perfectly content with that. My problem is however, I dont seem to understand why I feel so... reproachfull about the situation every time she mentions setting a date. She asks casually, never pressing- sounding more curious as to when I want to make the final commitment rather than sounding pressing about it.
Even so, I almost panic every time, I cant help but feel my brain processing an excuse as to why I dont want to set a date yet. I have no real reason, no true reason as to why I shouldnt want to be married to this woman. And yet, at the same time, whenever its brought up, I feel like a noose is slowly tightening around my neck. I dont want this to become something I have to deal with and struggle with as it gets worse and worse, I mean, what if we do actually get married and I still feel reproachful about the entire thing? That would totally destroy a marriage an the relationship if I let it build up to the point where I just cannot take it anymore and I make my concerns verbal.

I dont want to do that, my last intentions on this earth as we know it, is to hurt this fine woman, whom I have fallen for.

I've talked to my best friend about this, and I have talked to some other friends, but thought I would project this to the general public here, we have some folks who have experience with this sort of thing, and maybe can offer some advice. I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

 

[Strid]

Well, the title says a lot of what is going through my mind right now. I'll explain whats going on.

A little while back, I got engaged with a very pretty woman named Charlea-Anne Dubois. I have never in my life met a more caring or compassionate person, and I also, have never met someone so dedicated to a person in a relationship. I couldnt even begin to explain the amount of trust she puts in me, and time, and well, money too I should say. (After our first few dates I had to steal her wallet to keep her from paying for everything. Kind of an inside joke, she once stole my wallet so she could pay for dinner..anyways..)
Mind you, she is a drama queen, as many females tend to be, as well as some males (dont flame me ladies, no offense meant by that statement but I can look past that somewhat, as she calmed it down after I expressed my disinterest in constant drama.

Anyways, at the moment we are both enlisted in the navy, now, I know some others that play this game are in the navy, and I would like to disclaim now that the rumors about all navy women, are in fact mostly rumor. There are exceptions, and Charlea is one of them. I am currently stationed in Mayport Florida, while she will be stationed in Virginia next month. Although it doesnt cost much money for a weekend visit every now and then, it still puts some distance into the relationship. I normally, for the sake of both parties, would have split things and have had us go our seperate ways after leaving San Diego, however, she was intent on pursuing this relationship, and after some consideration towards how I felt about her, I agreed, it would be best to at least try keeping things together through long distances, so long as we both made an effort to see one another often enough.

Things have been going well enough, we stay in contact often, and she sends me pictures of san diego and of herself now and then. (Not naughty pictures ) Charlea is very short, and from a large japanese family, which currently reside in hawaii. Now, we are in fact engaged, and I am perfectly content with that. My problem is however, I dont seem to understand why I feel so... reproachfull about the situation every time she mentions setting a date. She asks casually, never pressing- sounding more curious as to when I want to make the final commitment rather than sounding pressing about it.
Even so, I almost panic every time, I cant help but feel my brain processing an excuse as to why I dont want to set a date yet. I have no real reason, no true reason as to why I shouldnt want to be married to this woman. And yet, at the same time, whenever its brought up, I feel like a noose is slowly tightening around my neck. I dont want this to become something I have to deal with and struggle with as it gets worse and worse, I mean, what if we do actually get married and I still feel reproachful about the entire thing? That would totally destroy a marriage an the relationship if I let it build up to the point where I just cannot take it anymore and I make my concerns verbal.

I dont want to do that, my last intentions on this earth as we know it, is to hurt this fine woman, whom I have fallen for.

I've talked to my best friend about this, and I have talked to some other friends, but thought I would project this to the general public here, we have some folks who have experience with this sort of thing, and maybe can offer some advice. I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Solution: Tell her how it is you feel exactly like you told us. Simple as that man. If you can't do that then I think you need to rethink even being engaged to her.

 

[Lanien]

Well I imagine it would feel the same way whether you were in the Navy or not. Marriage is a huge committment. I know for guys at least that losing our freedom is a tough thing to cope with, but is well worth it when you found the perfect girl. I agree with Strid. Talk to her directly rather then us. I know you think I'm so cool and all (lol) but it's her you should be talking to. If it is just the distance thing, then you will find a way to prevail. Love conquers all. <3 awww lol

 

[Rones]

Even so, I almost panic every time, I cant help but feel my brain processing an excuse as to why I dont want to set a date yet. I have no real reason, no true reason as to why I shouldnt want to be married to this woman. And yet, at the same time, whenever its brought up, I feel like a noose is slowly tightening around my neck.

If you need reasons... check here. Specificaly this one and this one. For a good laugh, check this one. The site is pretty biased, but there are some very valid concerns underneath. Women can rush into marriage without worry. Women can hop out on the drop of a hat with half the stuff (whether they earned it or not) and make you continue paying their old life style without you in it. Men on the other hand have to be extremely careful entering marriage. One wrong marriage can screw a guy for the rest of his life. If she doesn't understand why are you hesistent and cautious, she isn't the right girl for you.

 

[Zyndara]

I agree that you should tell her. If she is a woman you should even consider marrying, then she will understand that you're not saying you don't love her...just that you have concerns. In my mind, the proposal was the hard part. I mean why would you ask someone to marry you if you didn't have it in your mind and heart that you truly wanted to?

Also have you considered that going from a long-distance relationship where you don't see each other straight to a marriage is a little daunting to say the least? I'm in a long distance relationship myself atm and I love the man so much I can't even express it. We're no where near the point where you're at yet... But I could not imagine going from seeing him once in a while straight to marriage. There would have to be something in between. I don't know, living together? Spending more than a little bit of time as a couple? I'd maybe spend some time really thinking about what it is you're afraid of. And then just tell her that you love her, sit her down, and be honest with the woman you intend to marry.

And on a side note, Rones, that's really screwed up. Very one-sided and very tunnel-vision. That's a dagger that cuts both ways. You make it sound like every woman is rubbing her hands together and jumping for joy for the first chump that gets on bended knee. That's pretty insulting. The fact is, just as many women as men get screwed when a marriage goes bad. It isn't "easy" for most women to decide who and when to marry. Case in point... after 30 years of marriage where my mother sacrificed many jobs and personal opportunities for my father and his career and our family, he takes off for a younger woman. Basically my mother was left in a situation where she had just been downsized out of a job, still had me living at home, and now had the burden of a mortgage and all the bills they accrued as a couple. So really... please get over the whole... women have it easy and men always get screwed crap. It's ridiculous.

 

[Solitia]

I feel dirty after having looked at that site. What a charming way of looking at women. While there were rational arguments buried under the misogyny, the bile was shoveled on top so thick that you'd need a stonger stomach than I have to get to them.

Mistra, we talked about this a long time ago, and I aired my opinion then. That you've since become engaged is somewhat surprising to me. You know why that is. The Reader's Digest version is that you never seemed, while online, to want to even stay with her, much less marry her, and you constantly talked about dumping her. I can only imagine that you act differently toward her IRL. That, or she's really damn persuasive. Don't do it.

Depressingly, the divorce rate among people in the armed services is pretty bad too. One of my best friends in middle school was a Navy brat living in true squalor with parents that hated each other.

 

[Sneakypants]

<Run away!>

 

[Mistra]

To zyndara-
Perhaps I should explain a bit more. Charlea and myself originally were together in san diego, we did pretty much live together during that time. This relationship has not always been long distance, but rather, has shifted to that of one in the last two months, when I transferred to a different naval station, across the country.

To solitia-
Yes, I do realize you and I discussed this before, and you are correct about the pursuasiveness, however, not in a derogitory manner.
I confronted her on the issues that I explained to you a while back, and in doing so, she broke down, afraid that I would leave her. I've never seen someone apologize more for causing so much unneeded drama in a relationship, and afterwards, she immediately ceased all pointless confrontations of such. It was getting to the point where I just wanted to leave and be done with it. But a large part of that also, was my wanting to end things because we were about to be split apart over a long distance.




I have read the posts of those that have replied, and I thank you for the feedback, I only put my thoughts into words here because... well because my friends havent dealt with anything like this before, and I thought the community here may have, or might have some thoughtful insight, as most of you have thus far. You are all right, I need to think about things some more, and perhaps my feeling down and out about settling down so early ( I am 20.) is what has me so damn terrified of actually getting married. But Zyndara was correct, I wouldnt have proposed if I didnt have the intention of actually doing it. The problem is, now that I have, its scaring the shit out of me, and its tough for me to figure out why.

 

[Dejavu]

Personally i would see nothing wrong with keeping it the way it is as a long engagement. The armed forces and long distance relationships are the end to many relationships that may have otherwise worked. I have a friend that got married about a week before he went over to Iraq (as a marine) and the day he got back the woman said she fell inlove with someone else while he was gone. She took half of everything he made for the 17 months he was in Iraq.

There is no reason to get married at this time for you imo if you can keep it together when you both get out then u can tie the knot.

Good Luck but long distance is tough.

 

[Aristarc]

Mistra:" I am 20"



Man you're not even old enough to drink yet(not the point),and you are in the military ( you WILL meet many more "fine" women). Im not gonna tell you to dump her, or ect...I'll i can suggest is for you to take time(a loooong time) and REALLY think about it man. I also agree with some of the comments above and if she is the girl you are meant to be with, she will not make an issue of your situation.

GL with that bud.

 

[Rones]

She took half of everything he made for the 17 months he was in Iraq.

See, that is exactly what I'm trying to get at. Men get in a bad marriage, they get burned bad. Women get in a bad marriage, its just a temporary headache until the divorce proceddings finish and they walk away with what he earned. Women are eager to push guys into marriage because they aren't the ones at risk. Same reason men are eager to have sex and women are hesistent, women are the primary ones at risk from that action. Marriage carries great risk for men.

 

[Strid]

After realizing you're only twenty years old... Don't get married. You shouldn't even be engaged man. I almost rushed into getting married at 19. My step-mom at the time almost wtfpwnd my face and told me no way was she going to watch me do that. I thought, wth, woman moving in on me like this I'mma kill her, well... I moved with my family back to TX where I had plenty to do and lots to see, there is neither in Oxford, AL, and it opened my eyes. I wasn't ready for this. Did I love her? Yes I did, but I was making a mistake. I wanted to live my life for me a little longer. She flipped, I left her, and here three years later with no regrets. If she can't undertsnad then she's not the one. My girlfriend was all that you said about yours but just keep in mind most women are like fishermen just trying to set the hook at that point. You're young, traveling the world, and man...you can't even drink yet (silly as it may sound YES that is an important factor to look at). There are a lot of things you haven't saw or done man and you may think, "So uh...what's the deal? I can do it all with her..." No sir, you can't.

Try and stay with her, tell her how you feel, and just say you're not ready. If she gets pissed and tells you to screw off... Get rid of her, get over it and move on. She's only looking to hook you. If she does the opposite... I'll PM you my address and I'll give you all my gil and armor for her.

 

[Zyndara]

See, that is exactly what I'm trying to get at. Men get in a bad marriage, they get burned bad. Women get in a bad marriage, its just a temporary headache until the divorce proceddings finish and they walk away with what he earned. Women are eager to push guys into marriage because they aren't the ones at risk. Same reason men are eager to have sex and women are hesistent, women are the primary ones at risk from that action. Marriage carries great risk for men.

Man some woman must have hurt you bad... because you are really really tainted to think that. That's sad. Marriage is a risk for everyone. And I don't know what state you live in, but you don't get automatically half of what your spouse's property in a lot of states. You really need better information. Not to mention some perspective...Being left with a child at home and all the debt is a temporary headache? What the hell world are you living in?

 

[Rones]

If anyone is getting left with the debt, it is the guy if the legal system has any say. Then you get women using the kids as hostages in the divorce negotiations. It is so easy for women to blackmail a man into paying anything with the threat of never seeing his kids again, which is so easy to pass through divorce court that automaticaly portrays the women as the victim and the man as the villian (in divorce court). Rare is it women don't get at least half of the property in addition to the in addition to alimony. Alimony is the most rediculous thing I have ever seen. :coco:

 

[Zyndara]

The most ridiculous thing I've ever seen is watching a woman or a man invest themselves into a relationship believing that it has something to do with love and then seeing garbage like this when things don't work out... Women get off easy... women don't really lose anything... women are dying to get married... it's an easy choice for them to make. It's disgusting. Sad to know there are so many people out there as jaded as you apparently are. I wouldn't marry someone who thinks that the person who is supposed to be their partner has made the decision to be with them so thoughtlessly. You really have some misconceptions about how it is for a woman in a relationship and in a marriage. You'll learn. I really hope so for the sake of any woman you condescend to be in a serious relationship with anyway.

 

[Rones]

I wouldn't marry someone who thinks that the person who is supposed to be their partner has made the decision to be with them so thoughtlessly.

No worries there. No one will marry unless you convince them those aren't the reasons you want to get married (not saying they are, but you still have to convince them).

I really hope so for the sake of any woman you condescend to be in a serious relationship with anyway.

I treat women like angels, yet I remain aware few are and many are far from. It is called being cautious and realistic. Blindly running into a relationship is exactly what those girls are looking for, an easy hook.

My main problem isn't with women, but the inequality in our court system that just screws over men in divorces over and over. Even pre nups now get ignored in courts on occasion. Women are only able to get away with this because of the courts. If divoce didn't favor women so much, men could be less cautious and women would actually need to becareful. What a terrible result that would be. :sleeping:

 

[Elemmire]

sadly.. rones is right. the legal system is quite sexist. X.x my poor father...

 

[Fellina]

Speaking as someone who's married with kids, let me say this: DO NOT rush into marriage if you don't feel ready. I feel that too many people just jump headfirst into that commitment without realizing it's implications. Ideally your marriage will last a lifetime, so why rush it?

Now I'll admit I married young. I was only 21 when I walked down the aisle. BUT- I had been engaged for nearly 2 years, and my husband and I had dated for 2 years before that (yes, that means I was 17, you get an A on your math test). Being young doesn't preclude you from having a happy marriage, but being hasty will.

I don't know if you or your girl are religious or not, but most churches nowadays require you to do premarital counseling sessions with the curch before they'll marry you. I can say from experience that the Catholic church does a really nifty "compatability test" where you answer all sorts of questions about how you feel regarding money, kids, in-laws, etc. The test itself took about 2 hours to complete, and then another 12 (non-consecutive) hours was spent in open discussion about how we'd both answered questions on the test. It was really useful for prompting all those extremely important life discussions BEFORE we were legally tied to eachother. Counseling isn't just for people who have already screwed up, you know- it's very good for making sure you aren't about to screw up too.

So in summary: don't marry just cause you feel obligated, there's no need to rush when you're looking at a lifetime, and get some sort of professional premarital preparation.

 

[Mistra]

Some good comments. Thank you.
I know what I need to do, and reading the advice some have given has given me a little insight to this. I'll be telling her about my worries, and about my apprehensiveness towards it all. You are all right, I am feeling reluctant about it, because I am still young and do not want to rush things.

I'll post again once I have a response from her.

 

[annabelle]

You already know it, but I'll say it anyways: your life is full of unanswered questions. That both of you are in the Navy puts several unknown variables in your short-term planning, and if you're like most 20-year-olds, being in the Navy still hasn't answered that difficult question about what the purpose of your life is for. Trying to plan for a life of marriage when everything in your life is already so unsure.... of course it's frightening. And the high divorce rate these days makes it easy to see the magnitude of damage that can be done by a marriage gone sour, to both men and women.

The fact is, you're probably frightened because you love this girl! You don't want to hurt her, but you're afraid you would if the two of you got married before your life was ready for it. Unfortunately, the only solution is both simple and yet seemingly impossible: to wait.

My experience (and yes, I'm a male; Annabelle is my character's name): My wife and I dated long distance (if 3 hours apart is long distance anymore) for 3 years before we got married. I first met her when I was 22 and she was only 16, and the fact that I found myself attracted to her made me feel wrong. So I asked some friends to hold me accountable, and they later turned on me and said I should keep in touch with her, because years down the road we might make a great couple. When I later complained to my roommate about the crazy risk of heartbreak they were setting me up for, he said I had to ask myself if she was worth it.... and that shut me up real fast when I realized she was.

Later, when I had decided the time was right (and she was a little older), I pursued her and expressed my feelings. As we started dating, I recognized she had the potential to be the woman I would marry. At the same time, I wasn't ready to marry anyone; I had a low-paying job, I was irresponsible with my finances, irresponsible with my time, and I wasn't ready to provide for another person, much less one still in college. But during those years we got to know each other, I also began to make preparations in my life. I got another job with good pay at a company that promised a future for me, I took some simple courses in budgeting and financial planning, and I picked out a nice apartment I thought we could share. Even then, there were matters of whether she would actually move to my place, what would she do for schooling, when would we have kids, etc., and those were issues the two of us needed to discuss together before getting engaged.

After I had proposed and the actual date started looming near, I felt confident about the marriage we would have. We had discussed things at great length, shared a lot of our thoughts, and most importantly we had enough practice in the smaller arguments and disagreements that we were confident in our ability to work with each other and talk through any problem that would come our way. Plus, I was excited because I was going to start helping her through the tougher years of her schooling, and I could see the positive impact I was going to have in her life by being there beside her. And when people asked me if I was nervous about the big day, I told them this: "The thought of starting an entire new life of marriage together with this woman, that doesn't really phaze me one bit. But the thought of having to go through the actual ceremony, well, that scares the heck out of me!"

That's my story. What happens with yours is up to you. To "wait" is probably the most difficult thing a person could be asked to do, and sometimes time doesn't allow for it and forces a couple to go their separate ways. But ask yourself one simple question: "Is she worth it?" The answer can help decide your path.

Good luck!

Jeremy