Dealing with rape

[Tok]

I've been dating a girl in Minnesota for about a year and a couple months now...

we would fly her here and she would stay for a bit while she worked to get moved here.

she';s supposed to get on a flight tomorrow to come back...

long and short of it she told me today that she was raped about a month ago...and that she was pregnant because of it...

I really don't know how to deal with all this, i'm feeling crippled right now and all i want to do is crawl in a hole and die. i feel helpless because i couldnt be there to protect her, or to hunt the motherfucker down and cut his dick off...

help me

 

[Hexx]

There are things in life you have no control over Tok. It is not your fault that you weren't there when the incident happened, however you can do the next best thing and be there for her to support, love, and care for her while she deals with this traumatic experience. Don't shut down because otherwise it might make her feel a sense of inadequacy and guilt for maybe damaging your relationship. Remember some rape victims at times feel like they were at fault for putting themselves in the situation that led to the rape man, so get up and out of that hole you spoke of and do your manly duty be her safety net, her rock of fortitude, and help her get through this tough ordeal. Yall will be alright you'll see ^^

 

[Elemmire]

That's... wow... you should fly and hunt down the fucker who did it and cut off his balls and dick >.> I hate rapists :| I just hope she's not lying cause surprisingly (from what I've read) there are quite a lot of false rape claims made too... blah.

But ya, Hexx is right, do your best to support her and be there for her. Try and help her focusing on other things. I do wonder, is she going to get an abortion?

 

[Tok]

That's... wow... you should fly and hunt down the fucker who did it and cut off his balls and dick >.> I hate rapists :| I just hope she's not lying cause surprisingly (from what I've read) there are quite a lot of false rape claims made too... blah.

But ya, Hexx is right, do your best to support her and be there for her. Try and help her focusing on other things. I do wonder, is she going to get an abortion?

one of the first things we are doing when get gets back here is going to PP, I don't care what anybody says i support abortion for this very reason and yeah, if she could point the fucker out i would not stop hitting him until he stopped breathing i swear

 

[Strid]

To play the other shoulder, I don't see anything goin' on here that doesn't spell "trap" out to me. That being said, it's for you to figure out, not me to tell why.

 

[Morcheeba]

I'm pro choice as well and this is the main reason.

I'm with Hexx. She needs you to be strong for her. Reassurance, support, sympathy, love and reliance. And about anything else the poor girl needs.

I hope she's not withholding out of fear or shame. If she can report it and seek prosecution she needs to. I can't say I wouldn't advise seeking him out yourself, but you're no good to her behind bars either. I know that's got to be hard, if not damn near impossible.

Good luck Tok, good luck to both of you, she's a survivor and hopefully she will regain her sense of self and strength.

 

[Tok]

To play the other shoulder, I don't see anything goin' on here that doesn't spell "trap" out to me. That being said, it's for you to figure out, not me to tell why.

i dont understand what you mean by this

 

[Raesvelg]

i dont understand what you mean by this

What I'd wager Strid is implying, and lacks the testicular fortitude to spell out, is that she's lying. That she got herself into her current situation by practicing unsafe sex with someone other than you, and is using the rape excuse as a means of making sure you don't look too closely into the issue. It pains me to admit that it is a possibility, but it's one of those things that nobody outside the situation could possibly accuse anyone of without making themselves look like a colossal asshole.

 

[Tok]

What I'd wager Strid is implying, and lacks the testicular fortitude to spell out, is that she's lying. That she got herself into her current situation by practicing unsafe sex with someone other than you, and is using the rape excuse as a means of making sure you don't look too closely into the issue. It pains me to admit that it is a possibility, but it's one of those things that nobody outside the situation could possibly accuse anyone of without making themselves look like a colossal asshole.

I doubt that this is the case, there has been no reason for that to be the situation and in hind sight there has been something off about her in the past month, she's been sleeping alot and she went to see a shrink (she told me it was because of her fathers passing not too long ago)

but i doubt that this is the situation.

 

[Hexx]

It's good to look at it from all angles, but only you know her well enough to make that judgement call. I'm also pro-choice when it comes to these situations, just make sure it is not something she will regret doing as well since even abortions due to rape can be regretted by the female involved. Make sure she also gets checked for STD's and what not since most rapists tend to be the type to carry shit.

 

[Zaltana]

Sound advice so far, save from ele and strid (shocker), so i'll just say that i'm sorry to hear that you are in such a position as this. This is just another one of fate's relentless tests on you. Be there for her and stick to the facts that you know. I hope for the best for you both.

 

[Strid]

What I'd wager Strid is implying, and lacks the testicular fortitude to spell out, is that she's lying. That she got herself into her current situation by practicing unsafe sex with someone other than you, and is using the rape excuse as a means of making sure you don't look too closely into the issue. It pains me to admit that it is a possibility, but it's one of those things that nobody outside the situation could possibly accuse anyone of without making themselves look like a colossal asshole.

Not that I lack the fortitude, I was just tryin' to be as least "ass-holish" and intrusive as I could since I obviously know very, very little about the situation and even less about the two parties. Pretty much, I wanted him to look at it another way, for himself, had he not already.

I feel bad for Tok and the lady, if it's true, but I also feel that the -if- must be accounted for as well. What lead me to put it this way, Tok has been dating this girl for a year. She chose to tell him only after she finds out she was pregnant and at that, a month later. So legitimately, she could be embarrassed or afraid of what Tok might do. On the other hand, would she have withheld it forever had she not gotten pregnant? Which, honestly would bother the shit out of me to be withheld something like this especially if we are having sex.

I honestly do wish the best though. I definitely wouldn't not stand by her if all is legitimate. Having been your shoes (though with a friend), Tok, well after the act took place, you have a long, hard road ahead of you. You need to figure out right now how much you care about her and stick to it no matter what. She'll be prone to do and say some pretty uncharacteristic things, but don't mind it, work with her through it.

 

[Elemmire]

>.> my advice was to listen to Hexx, how's that bad? But I do think that the rapist needs to be killed. All rapists deserve to die. I'm tired of weak minded and bleeding heart morons who think all people are good. The only thing people deserve are a chance to prove if they're good or not and if they blow it, they don't deserve the life they are given. Rapists and murderers, they all deserve to die. The only reason I don't exactly think the death penalty works right now is because I do know our justice system sucks and puts WAY too many innocent in jail and, yes, on death row. Blah... I'd still say if you can, without a doubt, prove someone is a rapist or murderer (hell if they admit it and even seem proud of it), then kill em off. I would hope she goes to the police and a lawyer and everything she can :| at least get his ass thrown in jail and have it on his record so it fucks over his life.

Though Strid is right, there is a chance she's lying. I doubt it from the sounds of it, but that's something people should really account for. And it is crappy she took a month to come out about it and only after she found out she was pregnant. I can understand why though :\ no one who's raped wants to even think about it or admit it happened... it's crappy. I would hope she gets tested for STDs too and I do hope things work out for the both of you.

 

[Dejavu]

Seeing as i am probably one of the most trusting people here.... i would like to pose the following questions that i have not seen answered.

1. If she was raped did she report it, if so are there any suspects, if not why did she not report it?
2. Seeing as you were in a long term seemingly committed relationship why did she forgo telling you of the event until she realized she was prego?
3. If you have been sleeping together since the incident has she had herself checked out or has she been putting you in danger of catching what she could have possibly been given?
4. What were the circumstances behind the rape was it a situation of saying no 2 minutes into what the rapist thought was consensual or was she gagged and tossed into the trunk of the car?

Yes you are going to come across as a dick for looking for answers to these questions but ... you must ask her and yourself these questions before you will ever get any closure on the situation.

Look i don't know her or you so i am not going to comment directly on your situation because i don't know but TBH this seems like an excuse for getting caught. The only reason she said something is cause shes prego and rape is the only situation where you stay. As an onlooker and based upon the facts your provided... i call bullshit. The circumstances tho not impossible are too convenient.

Ask to see the police report. If there isn't one... ask to get out of the relationship.

 

[Tomasello]

Kind of agree with Dejavu on this.

If the story is true then you have my deepest sympathies. Rape is a horrific crime.

That said this story also has more holes then a screen door and you might want to seriously consider asking some very tough questions.

 

[Stine]

I hope that she is okay and do your best to comfort her. Dealing with rape is a very emotional thing for everyone involved. I hope that if it happened that the guy gets what he deserves in the end. Neither of you need to blame yourselves. It's over and it happened. The best thing that you can do for her now is to help her deal with it and let her know that you are there.

If she has any proof, get this guy in jail. I know it's easier to say that than to get her to testify in court (I'm sure that she doesn't want to think about it) but it could happen again to someone else if nothing is done.

 

[Tok]

Ironically enough I am taking a social psychology course in college this semester and I was perusing the textbook during one of my assignments and I noticed there was section on rape.

according to my text book, 20 percent of women in the U.S. have been raped in their lifetime, and only 36 percent of rapes were ever reported to authorities. it also goes on to say that most rape survivors blame themselves for the incident because they put themselves in the situation.

I did ask her the question of whether or not it was actually a rape, I never had any reason not to believe that she was telling me the truth, but everyone around me seems to think for one reason or another that she was fuckin around on me. she reported the incident the day after and went to the Doctor for all the tests and such. she didn't tell me until the other day because she was afraid of how i might react and that i would break up with her because of the situation which wasn't the case. I can tell that she is obviously traumatized by the situation. I couldn't get too intimate with her because she would start to cry and become uncomfortable, I realize that when cheating you might not want to get intimate with the person youre cheating on but would you start to cry while kissing them? idk about that...

I have no doubt in my mind that she is telling me the truth and i know what i have to do now. if she isn't telling me the truth then she is one hell of a performer and I have to respect her for that...but honestly i can get over that, I wouldn't continue the relationship but i would eventually get over it. she however would have to live with that for the rest of her life. but again I have no doubt that she is telling me the truth

 

[Hexx]

Ironically enough I am taking a social psychology course in college this semester and I was perusing the textbook during one of my assignments and I noticed there was section on rape.

according to my text book, 20 percent of women in the U.S. have been raped in their lifetime, and only 36 percent of rapes were ever reported to authorities. it also goes on to say that most rape survivors blame themselves for the incident because they put themselves in the situation.

I did ask her the question of whether or not it was actually a rape, I never had any reason not to believe that she was telling me the truth, but everyone around me seems to think for one reason or another that she was fuckin around on me. she reported the incident the day after and went to the Doctor for all the tests and such. she didn't tell me until the other day because she was afraid of how i might react and that i would break up with her because of the situation which wasn't the case. I can tell that she is obviously traumatized by the situation. I couldn't get too intimate with her because she would start to cry and become uncomfortable, I realize that when cheating you might not want to get intimate with the person youre cheating on but would you start to cry while kissing them? idk about that...

I have no doubt in my mind that she is telling me the truth and i know what i have to do now. if she isn't telling me the truth then she is one hell of a performer and I have to respect her for that...but honestly i can get over that, I wouldn't continue the relationship but i would eventually get over it. she however would have to live with that for the rest of her life. but again I have no doubt that she is telling me the truth

If, IF, she's lying it will eventually come out, however as I said before, you know her the best out of anyone here so if you feel she is being honest then by all means roll with that and do what you gotta do from here. Just remember it's gonna be tough for a while until she starts working through the trauma of the situation. Also, don't go doing anything stupid. The last thing she needs is for you to go hunt down the son of a bitch and you end up in prison for doing something to the guy ok? That will just add on more guilt to what she's currently feeling. Take it slow, dont do anything drastic.

 

[Elemmire]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_statistics reading these statistics (and the one you say) always makes me sad :\ I sure wish they'd report it more and I wish the US was harsher on rapists. Hell, I'd say force rapists to take some sorta meds to decrease their aggression and sexual urges (so chemical castration and sedatives) when they are done serving their jail time and they have to pay for the meds themselves, if they don't they go back to jail (this is my being lenient btw, my real solution would be to just execute them all or put em in prison for life). I hate rapists... on par with murderers.

I hope things work out for both of you. This is just a bad situation all around :\ did she ever decide what to do with the pregnancy? I wonder if it was someone she knew well enough (as I think statistics say it's usually someone you know) or really one of those rarer cases of a random person. Then again, I really don't think I want to know any details, it'll prolly just make me angry.

 

[Romper]

I doubt that this is the case, there has been no reason for that to be the situation and in hind sight there has been something off about her in the past month, she's been sleeping alot and she went to see a shrink (she told me it was because of her fathers passing not too long ago)

but i doubt that this is the situation.

Some chicks are just crazy, Tok. She may have actually cheated. It is in the realm of possibilities.

Although, good on her for going to see someone about it.

Not that I lack the fortitude, I was just tryin' to be as least "ass-holish" and intrusive as I could since I obviously know very, very little about the situation and even less about the two parties. Pretty much, I wanted him to look at it another way, for himself, had he not already.

I feel bad for Tok and the lady, if it's true, but I also feel that the -if- must be accounted for as well. What lead me to put it this way, Tok has been dating this girl for a year. She chose to tell him only after she finds out she was pregnant and at that, a month later. So legitimately, she could be embarrassed or afraid of what Tok might do. On the other hand, would she have withheld it forever had she not gotten pregnant? Which, honestly would bother the shit out of me to be withheld something like this especially if we are having sex.

I honestly do wish the best though. I definitely wouldn't not stand by her if all is legitimate. Having been your shoes (though with a friend), Tok, well after the act took place, you have a long, hard road ahead of you. You need to figure out right now how much you care about her and stick to it no matter what. She'll be prone to do and say some pretty uncharacteristic things, but don't mind it, work with her through it.

You do realize that it takes like a month for a pregnancy test to be accurate unless you see a doctor right?