Prince, I'm going to have a little word with you. This is going to be blunt, and I mean every word of it. Don't shirk your eyes. I skimmed through this earlier, but I' m at work and didn't have time to respond earlier.
I'll say this. It's blunt, but get over it. The fact you're asking questions, shirking around, hinting, tells me that it's a cry for help. No, I'm not saying you're being overdramatic, or that it's even a bad thing at all; it's completely human. You are uncertain of where you are at. I don't know the details of your downward spiral, and I don't care. The thing is, the important thing you need to know, is that in seeking help, looking for it, asking around, however the means you do it, be it internet forums, personal aquaintances, etc, is still just that, a plea for help. Realize and understand that, because it's the key to the remedy.
You need to understand you're in an irrational state. We've all been there, whether it be in a state of confusion or not, a state of depression, uncertainty, etc. Don't try and write it off as a chemical problem either, an imbalance, or whatever else could be functionally wrong with the brain to cause such an attitude. This is you. Pure and simple. You are being unwilling to accept any better solution than to contemplate death and further send yourself into an unending spiral. You're afraid to die. Everyone is, be it they admit it or not. There is nothing as self-loathsome as killing yourself. Fuck everyone else, this is about you, and only you. Don't you dare try and attempt something stupid because you didn't get the response or attention you needed. Don't you dare. I don't even know you, and at no more of my expense do I want to see a human take his life over something so trivial. Whatever is ailing you now may seem like serious business, but it's not. You'll realize later down the line that you are being silly and childish.
In a word, it's time to step up to the plate and grow up. I wouldn't have said this if I didn't read that you had "thought about it long and hard and made up your mind". If your mind was made up man, you'd have done it. You care too much about what other people would think of you if you took your own life, and lets face it, you should. It's keeping you from doing something retarded.
Fuck it, ya know. I'll put this on the line for everyone to see, because it's not something to be ashamed of. People understand and feel for you, because as I said, life sucks and things just don't go right. You don't always have a chance to sift through the rubbish and get yourself out. It happens to all of us, whether or not you think so. There's been a point in my life where things just were not turning around. Things were bad, and I didn't even know it. I was in this deep, deep state of depression, and no one, not even myself, understood what was going on. You don't know me, so I'll take a minute to tell you why this is so shocking. I am a very, very upbeet person. I enjoy other people and I love the hell out of life. I would never knowingly let myself, out of personal pride and respect, fall into such a state. But man, it happens. It went so far as to me downing a lot of medicine I shouldn't have, and then wondering why the moment after. Do you want to know the process that happens after that? Here goes buddy.
You get scared. Deeply. You know your life is on the line, and you don't know how long you have to fix what you just did. For me, I called the closest person to me at the time. His words knocked sense into my brain and I called 911 for assistance. I was rushed to a hospital, where they spent the next 5 sleepless nights and days detoxing my liver and checking my enzyme levels to see how much damage was done. That was them. If you can only imagine how much I apologized to these people for what I had done, the absolute shame of feeling this way. Being a very prideful person, I was dead inside for these days, and months afterwards. How could I, John, have done something so horridly stupid? Something so low, and not have been able to explain it? I didn't have the answer.
It took months, yes, months to get life back to normal. To finally get over that attrocity. It was the most shameful thing to me that I'd ever done, until one day I realized the truth. Everyone goes through some rough times. Some more than others, some way more than others. Nothing is ever, ever worth contemplating your life over. Nothing, understand? There's reasons family and friends are so important. They are your support system and they are there to help when you are down. Use it, do not let things get so far and not understand why, like myself. I had no support system at that time, I didn't know what was wrong with myself. My co-workers didn't know, my family didn't know, my friends didn't know. All because there was no way for them -to- know. Stop thinking about this shit and talk to someone, and goddamnit stop the talk that you have made up your mind, because you haven't.
I don't really feel like dealing with it, too meh... but I don't care if I die either. I look at it quite simply. Death happens, it doesn't matter. In my case, since I don't think I'm a bad person, there's only a few things that could happen (if there is a god and whatnot). I go to heaven, I am reincarnated, or (if there is nothing) I simply just don't exist any longer. Which doesn't bother me either. I don't think history will remember me anyways 
