Dilemma...

[Jezza]

Major dilemma..huge..

Okay, first of all I havn't been playing lately becase my ISP is being stupid and with holiday stuff I havn't had the chance to fix it. I've also been a little too busy trolling the boards...but anyway..I have a problem...

I recently started dating someone. Great guy...I was smiling like a 16 year old boy who finally lost his virginity to the hottest girl in school. Giddy, just loving the "new relationship" ride. Even bought presents for him..something I haven't done in YEARS..probably since the ex hubby.

SO...

Bombshell drops.

He's got a record. No, not as in he cut a record deal...like as in he's gotten into some serious trouble in his past..last major incident being about 3 years ago. Now..we can only count the last year or so as being truly trouble free. You figure out why. My ex husband is a cop. This is bad...because he is telling me that I should get away..as is another friend.

NOW..deal is - I knew quite a bit about him..knew he'd been in trouble, but also knew he had cleaned his shit up. Okay, I TRUST that he has. And I've seen 0 indications that's not true. For the short time that I knew him before all this came out - I was really thinking that hmmm...this may last more than 2 weeks (my typical record before screaming and running away for one reason or another).

So, do people change? I mean, we all know the horror stories of ppl with family members and friends that spend their lives indulging in self-destruction and chaos. I really want to give him a chance. At the same time, having kids, a high-profile career..this stuff makes me vulnerable. If he drags me down in any way..or I'm judged somehow guilty by association (small towns are infamous for not allowing people to change their reputation)...I stand to lose a LOT. I want to give this a chance, but I'm worried about what I should be smart and do.

In personal relationships..do you give people who have really really screwed up a chance?

 

[Claxton]

Hm, I don't really know if I would take someone's advice about issues about stuff like this from a video game forum, ask friends, maybe talk to other people that are around him but wouldn't be biased. I don't know, just some advice.

 

[Jezza]

:?

Well...this is the lil bit o' this forum that gives ppl like me who are just looking for input a chance to bounce around ideas. Of course I've talked with RL friends about this...but some of us use this part of the forum to discuss RL issues. Hence "REALITY."

But it's cool...the flip side is you stick yer shit up here and you get what you get for replies.

 

[Svina]

Well if he means enough to you you'll stick through it no matter what

If not, then you're going to have a major guilt trip in the end... or end up in trouble.

 

[jender]

I believe that people can change....certain things. *I did some stupid crap as a kid and learned from it. I think it depends on what it was that he was in trouble for....I mean, selling weed is definitely a different situation/mind set than commiting rape, you know?

*It sounds as if you would really like this to work. The fact that you KNOW about his past, makes you less vulnerable. You can be a bit guarded - careful, even for a bit until you feel that you can trust him completely. And, since your ex is a cop - you have some backup

Anyway - totally up to how you feel inside about the situation. If you get the feeling that you or your family could get hurt by this, then you should steer clear. If you think he deserves a chance...then, yeah. You see where this is going. <3 You are a smart girl...I am sure your intuition will steer you in the right direction.

/em licks Jezza :twisted:

 

[Kat]

I have to ask these questions first, before I can comment ...

Did he tell you about his past? Or did you already know? Or, did you find out from someone else?

 

[jender]

I have to ask these questions first, before I can comment ...

Did he tell you about his past? Or did you already know? Or, did you find out from someone else?

OOOOH - good question!

/em spanks Kat

(have to catch up to with the innuendo...since was gone for 5 days )

 

[Kat]

I have to ask these questions first, before I can comment ...

Did he tell you about his past? Or did you already know? Or, did you find out from someone else?

OOOOH - good question!

/em spanks Kat

(have to catch up to with the innuendo...since was gone for 5 days )

 

[Jezza]

Ugh..he told me that he'd been in a lot of trouble..did some really crazy stuff..and that he'd had a pretty messed up life, but that he hadn't been drunk or "anything else" for 3 years. My ex's cop buddies saw my car at his house and called my ex to "warn" him. (yup 45 miles away) - ex got the info on his record and called me.

When I confronted him that it was a lot more serious than just your garden variety trouble..his response was "What good would it have done for me to tell you right away?" He has a point - honestly? I never would have given him a chance. He also says he won't apologize for the stuff he did because it's made him who he is today...my response was - then I need to hear the whole story because that helps me know you.

He's writing it down. He wants me to read it when he's done. When I called him and said "I know some stuff and now the ex is saying blah blah blah..." He said that he has to live with this every day, and that the story is long, and starts when he was young.

I went to see him, because I hate having conversations like that over the phone. My gut says that people shouldn't have to pay for mistakes their entire lives. The whole point of "rehabilitation" (which intellectually I know doens't usually work) is that people change. Just my "real, intellectual" self fighting with my empathic, intuitive self again.

You girls are the shit btw...

And innuendo away...cuz it keeps things fun.

After all..we are teh sexah of Quetz!

 

[jender]

My gut says that people shouldn't have to pay for mistakes their entire lives.

You girls are the shit btw...

And innuendo away...cuz it keeps things fun.

After all..we are teh sexah of Quetz!

Right on Jezza! <3 I feel the same way.

/em gives Jezza a "free oral" coupon redeemable ANYTIME - no expiration :twisted:

 

[Sneakypants]

Sounds like he's done a lot of thinking about whatever it is he did years ago. He also does have a point about not mentioning it right away.
He probably figured, if it turns out you love him, he can tell you anything...
He just didn't count on the 5-O connection you had. I don't think he should be grilled too much on it.

Of course I really know nothing about him. Take it a day at a time. There are good times and bad ahead, and there are deal breakers as well. You know when it's right to get out in your heart. Whether or not he will act like a convict in your relationship remains to be seen. He sounds as if he's a changed man though, or would like to be. If he's hiding something, he won't be able to forever. It's up to you if you want to put time into it.

Good luck.

 

[Kat]

I could tell you stories from here to China about certain events/times in my rl, but I won't.

I do agree with Sneaky and you also Jezza. People can change and get their act together so to speak. And, it sounds to me like he really wants to try to put it all behind him and start fresh.

The main advice and/or opinion I can give you, is, "don't let your heart rule your head". If you see ANY warning signs at all that he's still a "loser", for lack of a better word, listen to your head and not your heart. I believe you said there are children involved, so it's not just you who would get hurt in the end.

And, I'd love to know how things are goin' with you in the future.

 

[Sculli]

So, do people change?

No they don't.
Look at what you currently have, and look at how bad things will get for you when it happens again, and then ask yourself; Is it worth it?

The answer to that can only be; No it isn't!

Finding the right, or at least an acceptable, person to have a relationship with is no easy thing to do, but unless you are extremely desperate (which I can't really imagine), I would suggest to stay away and just keep looking.

 

[onions]

I've changed.

I am an ex-addict and i've been convicted mutiple times for drug offenses in my life. I have been clean for 5 years now (I am 25). I drink occasionally (less and less lately) and that's it. I'd like to think I am a good person. I can't really judge myself.

I have to agree with this guy 100% when he said he won't apologize for anything. The shit I went through was a big part of who I am today. People can doubt all they want but it made me a stronger and better person in the long run. I also know in my heart that I will never touch anything like that again. Now that is me... I won't vouch for anybody else out there. Only 3 or 4 of my friends actually made it out alive. One of my friends is getting married in Tahoe this summer and owns a restaurant up there and guess what... he was a heroin addict for 10 years and has been in prison. OMG! A girl gave him a chance and now they are very much in love. I just got their Xmas card and I have to say it is one of the cutest things I have ever seen.

I still catch heat from people who say that I'll just be a piece of shit for the rest of my life just for being an addict for a fraction of my life. Right after they say that I laugh and remind them I make more money then them, pay more taxes, volunteer for charities frequently, and I am better looking then them.

So it's up to you to give this guy a chance. Like I said I know 3 or 4 people out of many, that I KNOW will stay good.

Oh, and to all you who think people can't change, I WILL STAB YOU IN THE F*CKNG NECK! (I'm totally joking)

 

[jender]

I've changed.


I still catch heat from people who say that I'll just be a piece of shit for the rest of my life just for being an addict for a fraction of my life. Right after they say that I laugh and remind them I make more money then them, pay more taxes, volunteer for charities frequently, and I am better looking then them.

LOL!!!! That rocked. <3

I know people change...my BF was a piece of crap when I met him....LOL Then I warped and twisted him into a human being MOOOOWAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAA - now he'll never go back :twisted:

 

[Sneakypants]

I like Onions' take on it.
Well put, man.

 

[Jezza]

Onions..THANK YOU!!!

My ex came over today to pick up the girls and was being a total asshat. Heh. I was so worn down by the time he left that I just wanted to crawl under my blanket and watch LOTR and chainsmoke. I called the guy in question to tell him I'll be over later so we can shop for my house...but that right now I'm not very good complany. EVERYTHING he said cheered me up..made me laugh..

Yeah, his record makes him look like the absolute worst thing a single chick would ever want..or have around her kids...but I'm just gonna sit back, take it easy, and giggle at all the stupid people that never got lucky enough to get to know him. Sure there's a risk...but don't all relationships have risks? I've known "upstanding" guys (ex, for one) that looked perfect on paper, in appearance, etc..but turned out to be absolute pricks.

Friend once told me that diversity builds character. I'll take someone with an actual personality over a stepford-talkin, gq-dressin, conformist, egomaniacal know-it-all-but-has-experienced-nothing run-of-the-mill joe ANYDAY.

Thanks everyone!!!


I owe you all a lil lovin, but right now, I'm heading for the shower so I can shave important bits for my new boy toy :twisted:

 

[Sabia]

Oy...I don't know.... I think there's a big difference to doing something to yourself and doing something to others. Yes people can change but some people don't. If someone was a rapist, child molester, murderer etc I'd not give them the time of day.

Doing drugs or drinking i something entirely different than trying to deliberately hurt somebody else. Not knowing what said crimes are, keep this in mind, I"m not saying ditch the dude but if it is a violent crime watch yourself. Even stuff like robery and theft can be left behind and looked at as a form of "growing up" but some stuff is seriously sick and needs to be looked at... That's my opinion anyway!! Best of luck