Explanations and Drifting

[Takumifujiwara]

The following is how I felt 2 days ago for those that care. I just thought I should re-post it simply for the fact that I shocked myself at what I wrote at 5 am. Amazing how things go from perfection to a nightmare in the blink of an eye in relationships.


Game over. You know that feeling right? When you feel that you have played the best game ever and made no mistakes. When you played it so well that everyone around you agrees that you were amazing. But something is missing isn't there? It feels empty right? The other player you were playing with walks up to you and says that you played a shit game full of fouls and that you really shouldn't have won. Feels weird right?

OK for complete clarification, I'm lost. I had a great map but it was just taken from me and torn to pieces. I feel like someone froze my heart to a chunk and smashed it with a sledge hammer and it shattered to a million fragments. Things in my life this week went from stable for once in 5 years to absolute chaos. My mom, sister, best friend, brother, and close friends are all either out of town or in chaos themselves. For four days I'm alone. Trust me when I say I'm alone. I have no one, I'm alone.

Is it so bad to reach out to people in times of pain? Is it a sign of weakness to be a man and be hurt? Am I really that terrible person that I cant have friends or someone to console me when I'm in agony.

Is being a little emo so bad? If being emo is when someone hurts you, that you cry about it or feel sad, then I'm emo. If being emo is that I cut myself, then I'm not.

I haven't slept tonight, regrets...

Am I angry? To be honest I'm too beside myself in grief to be angry.

Do I question myself? Who doesn't really. But this time its blatantly obvious that I did nothing wrong. It makes it worse. I wish I had fucked up in a certain way so I could point at that flaw and correct it. Like when you see a guy shoot someone, you can point the finger and say hes a murderer. Makes you feel better knowing.

I am constantly asked by people why it is that I cant hold a relationship. Trust me after 5+ years I am no closer to the answer. In fact none of my relationships have lasted more than 3 months. Funny thing is I always ask after its over what it is that didn't make the relationship work, the girl has never once had an answer.

I'm a plague. I'm the thing no one wants to deal with. I have to believe that now because I'm always looked at like a burden.

I'm everyone's problem, I'm no ones solution. I'm that guy you meet and think "man that Steve guy is pretty great". Then you ignore for no real reason or take for granted.

Here is a big secret: I hurt when you jam your hand into my chest and rip my heart out. It's a flaw I know, SURPRISE I'm not a robot. I feel things.

I'm the guy you can take problems to and I will listen and honestly care. I'm the guy that tries to help you out whenever I can and will bleed for you every chance you need. If your in a fight and looking for help but notice your all alone and your regular friends and allies are not around, I jump in to help. Sometimes I don't know why I should care, but in my soul it screams to help.

Imagine shutting yourself out of love and relationships because you know its a doomed game. Then one day something comes by that you cant pass up. So you let the guard down. Your shocked to see that its working, OH MY GOD its working. And your in bliss, your in disbelief. So you finally buy into it, your happy and all the misery of past years melts away. Your alive, and the world is vibrant. Your seeing things you never knew before and everyone is smiling. Everyone is proud and you are happy to be alive. You found purpose, for once you have purpose and a goal. You feel like you finally fucking figured it out. Why your here, you know why your here. How amazing a feeling to know that someone cares and adores you. You tell yourself at this point, just believe it. So you believe it and give it 100% and do everything right. Yeah, this is right.

Oh and hey lemme explain something. When you have no one to talk to, you reach out. To anyone. No one is soo strong to want to be alone, your a shallow liar if you say you are. Everyone wants someone to digress to. I reached out yesterday, to anyone I could. I'm not a strong guy about this stuff, never have been. I don't need pity, just sympathy and perhaps a few kind words now and then.

WHAT I DON'T NEED, is to be kicked in the side and questioned instead of comforted. I could go without the stupid questions that are more of an attack on me then a real concern about me. Hows about a "Hey lets go grab lunch and talk about it, it will make you feel better". No, I don't get those. I get: "Heh really? Well shit dude better luck next time". That doesn't help believe it or not.

If you really want to have a view into my soul and know what I'm feeling listen to the rest of what I type because this is the result of 5+ years of pain and anguish.

Imagine at the end of that game I explained when I started this, that you did your best like I was saying. Imagine that half way through the game of two on two basketball the other player on your team threw the ball off the court. That the player started to drag their feet and not play to their potential. You didn't mind, so you cover for them and are still winning, until they walk off the court. After the player throws the ball they look you in the eyes and tell you that they aren't in to playing the game anymore. They wanted to play horse, not a serious game.

At that point imagine the world around you starts to vanish and darkness envelopes you. Four walls surround you, cold cold concrete walls. In front of you see a door, steel and with a slide looking port at the top. Its soo dark in here, soo dark you cant see that your in a room at all. Just alone. I sit in the corner with my arms rapped around my legs scared and alone. It feels like there are a million eyes all staring at you with a condescending look in them. Your the worlds' mistake. All you want is someone to open the door and let you see the light, because damnit your scared. You want to be accepted. That door is always closed, and it creaks with a horrible scream when its attempted to be opened now and then. It was open for you once, and you walked out and breathed the sweet air. A hand was held out to guide you and you reached for it with tears welling up, only to be shoved back into the room once again. The air is shallow in here and my breaths these days have been short and stagnant. My heart beats shallow and slow. My eyes are blurry and empty. My stomach is empty and my arms grow weaker by the day. Can no one here me scream in here?

All I want is someone to open the door. Someone please open the door. Its scary in here, its sad in here. Someone please just open the door. I'm alone, I'm always alone. I cant take this anymore. I need someone, anyone. Please help me.

So alone...

 

[Moink]

5 years ago my life was, or atleast I had felt, was excellent... Nothing could stop me and I was doing no wrong. i had just graduated from college and achieved perfect attendance and an associates degree with a 3.89 GPA in a field I felt was strong. Computer applications and programming. I knew code inside and out and could anylise any problem given to me, fixed and even improved upon... Be it C++, Java, Visual C++, ASP... whatever... I had it made.

Unfortunately, however, I wasn't able to anylise the problem that has laid before me for 5 years. When I was in school, I was working. When I was working, I met someone. This someone was my first relationship. I had always felt too nerdy and too much of a bookworm to be dealt with or by women. This woman had made me happy and I loved her very much... although I had no idea the meaning of love or how to manage it. Because of that it broke us apart and she needed room. We gave each other space and eventually it somehow ended back to us being together again. My family had felt it was a mistake and they never liked her to begin with.

It was a mistake... kinda... Us getting back together gave me something I hold extremely close to my heart and mind every damn day. My daughter Alexus. Now even though I love my daughter to pieces, the pregnancy had torn my ex and I apart. She had felt that the child was hers and solely hers until she was born and that I am and was to have zero involvement during the pregnancy. I was even given a kodak copy of the "child in belly thingy" and not an original saying "it's a girl!" on the side... I felt castrated... literally

During this same time I had also been rumored to have a wonderful new job that would take me places and make me lots of green. And because of that, I had quit the job I was working at for over a year. It did take me to new places and it didnt make me any green.

My mother at this same time felt that it was time to get up and move to North Carolina and be with "her" family... well wtf... am I not apart of her family... or my brothers?... I felt torn by those words and I keep myself distant from my mother now because of what she has said...

All of this was just the beginning... Because my mother had moved to NC, my ex and I were broke, and the rest of my family lived on the otherside of Pittsburgh... I felt alone... to a degree I was alone... I had kept myself distant from everyone because I was torn and pissed at my ex because of her actions. I didnt stay in contact with the rest of my family and I had a job that was supposedly doing well... Because of all this... I lost... 45 pounds in one month... I was waiting on my pay (which never really existed) and only eating bags of chips and maxing out a new credit card I had just applied to just for food each day...

Now... before you go thinking that losing 45 pounds is a good thing... its not... especially the way I lost it and I only wieghed 180 to begin with. My uncle, to who owned the apartment i was living in, came up the stairs one day and saw that I was ... in bad shape to say the least. He told me to go shower and get clean clothes on and to come spend the day with him. I did that and I was helping him get ready for a party at his place when I went to pick up a 20 pound table. As I did this... My legs had given in... and I felt light headed and I had to put the table back down and sit on the ground for a few minutes... This is when I knew I was in bad shape and I knew I had to do something to get better.

I had felt that I should move to my grandmothers place and be closer to family. It worked out for... 2 months before I had learned that my grandmother was a pathilogical liar and twisted everyones words to aide her say. I felt betrayed and bewildered and again I felt I had to get to somewhere new... and hopefully better...

I moved in with my brother and best friend... I knew it wasn't going to last because my best friend is cool but is filthy and I had to sleep on a floor that was hardly ever cleaned and sleep next to empty bottles... By this time I had given up on this supposed job that was taking me places and by the way you can see it only took me from house to house and in more poor conditions... Also, my daughter was finally born. I wanted to go see her and I didnt. I felt betrayed and pissed off at my ex and I wasn't even allowed in the same hospital... I wasnt even told she was born until 2 weeks later... When I did go to see her... the family was pleased to see me and the only two pissed people were my ex and her father... I didnt care though... I wanted to see her... My ex handed me Alexus and... well... holding her... ... ...

I had always wanted to be a dad and now finally holding her made me realise even more I had to get better. Everyday I fight to improve myself for her. Every weekend from then on I went to go see my daughter grow up before my eyes. I had eventually moved with my father and things seemed to get a little better. Come around 7 months of age for Alexus I had wanted more time with my daughter and less time with her family. My ex and I were getting along and we were doing ok except for the fact she still had that "everything that is Alexus's is mine" and I couldnt do anything like take her to the park without asking permission to use the stroller or even bottles and diapars and toys...

 

[Moink]

I had decided it was time to go to court for more time alone with my daughter. When I did this, it began to put me in a downhill swirl again. This bitch did everything against me to keep Alexus away from me and all I wanted was time with her alone and not the mother or anyone else. After the failed court hearing... I sadly stopped seeing my daughter, I couldnt stand what my ex has done to me and now because of that... I have only hurt myself and my daughter by not seeing each other. She will be 4 in december and it has been 3 years since I have seen her smile... I miss her so much...

Things were going for me despite me not seeing my daughter and my new job was taking kids on and off a handicapped school bus. It was a job and it paid better then my last and thats all I cared about. It was also getting my child support paid as well and the rent my dad asked of me each month. Eventually my twin brother moved in with us and he grabbed a job at the same place.

During this time, I got back into FFXI and began revisiting the jobs... I remember coming back on as a 42WHM/21WAR... I have no idea what I was thinking when I was doing that but meh... I redid it the right way and got 75 WHM and then SMN and then... I met a new player when I was lvln PUP... You guys may know her considering shes a mod now >.>;

Being with her and spending time with her made me happy, but it was making things alot more hard at home... They didnt like the fact I was on the phone with her or that I spent most of my time with her. But I didn't care, she was making feel happy and feel feeling I hadn't felt since I first held my daughter. Eventually I ended up getting stuck between a rock and a hard place and I had to make a decision. Was it to become homeless or move to florida and be with this person? I remember that night well and her and I discussed it alot. It eventually came down the boldest move in my life to date and that was to move out of state and meet someone new to me in person.

Since then, my life has become better and better and although I am now further distant from my daughter... Iso has been with me all the way and makes me push myself even more. Isollde is my support and I couldn't be here without her today...

The days or times that I'm not with her I have to keep myself up and although its hard sometimes I know I can do it. Looking into the dark or feeling as if your trapped is easy to look at when its the larger part of the environment, but theres always that glint of light or warmth there... and If you reach out to it, you will get better. Iso didnt help me find the light, I found it on my own... She is, however, helping reach that light every day and with each day I feel as though Im closer to it. I have a long ways to go til im there but one day, I know it will come back to me.

 

[Langly]

When we are alone we are honestly the least alone we could possibly be.

You will never be closer to yourself and your being when you are alone.

So you are not alone at all. IM me sometime Taku.

 

[Zyndara]

Taku I am so sorry to hear that you're having a rough time of it. I know exactly the kind of thing you're talking about. I've lived something very similar myself.

It is devastating when something like this happens because you allowed yourself to believe and made yourself vulnerable again. But the thing about it is, life is about risking for the chance of something incredible. I'm sure you had beautiful moments and wonderful memories during the good times. Would you go back and chose not to open yourself up? Would you trade all the good moments that made you happy to avoid a sad ending?

We are never as alone as we believe. We are resiliant and we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. You're going to hurt and ache and question why. But you're going to be fine. Don't shut yourself off; don't build that wall. Because the minute you start doing that, you're going to wall out the stuff of life - the people, the experiences, the happiness - that make it worth living. You have a lot to offer someone Taku. Be who you are, live your life and don't allow yourself to ever believe anything less.

 

[Genkaku]

There comes a time in every persons life when they are at the very bottom of themselves. There is no light, no all mighty hand to pick you up, when you have exhausted every inch of yourself to the forces that be.

You have to dig deep inside, in those places you dont talk to people about. Those most secret of places filled with anger, hatred, sorrow, pain, passion, feeling, hope and dreams. You need to claw, scrape, tug and fight for every inch that you pull your way. Life will always be there to put its foot on your face while you climb, but you have to use the last pieces of youself and dig yourself up and out of that dark place you curl up in.

"Life is not about how much you can take, its about taking as much as you can and still hit back. Life will knock you to your knees and keep you there, until you gather the strength to push back, fight with everything you have till you stand up straight and say 'Im not going to take this shit anymore' " - Quote / my own additions.

We all play the game. Some win, some lose. Since there is no reset button, you gotta click Continue.

Good luck to us all.