Family Matters (Not Urkel)

[Tim Wakefield]

I guess this is more of a question on how to handle a particular situation I will be facing in the very near future, but I'll lay out some back story first...

My father had a very good friend. Best friend. Pretty much his only good friend, who was going through some rough times. He had been bouncing between multiple jobs in multiple cities, while trying to also make time to visit his daughter who lives with his Ex-Wife. Anyway, he was living in Indianapolis and finally got a stable job offer back in Pittsburgh where we live. Upon telling us he was moving back here, my Dad offered to let him live with us for a little while until he got back on his feet. The rest of us in the house were fine with it, and the decision was pretty easy.

So back about 3 days before Thanksgiving, my Dad and his friend drove out to Indy to get all of his junk to move back here. Two days later my Father passed away. We went through the whole funeral ordeal and yadda yadda yadda. I also had an Uncle and Grandmother living in this house die here within the last 4 years. I'm used to it (not that you can really get "used" to it, but thats not the relevance of this particular story).

The friend continued to live with us afterward. He helped alot around the house, driving my mom to work, cooking and doing laundry, etc. I thought it was a minor blessing that he was here while we were going through such a tough time. Apparently my Dads side of the family didn't agree.

I have not seen, heard from, or spoken to any of them since. My Dads twin brother was supposed to come home from Florida to help clear out the rest of the belongings which are currently sitting in boxes in our basement taking up space. That was February. He never came. He was also a co-signer on my Dads car, and had planned to take it back to Florida with him. Its still here.

So, some of the aforementioned family is coming to pick the car up on Tuesday, before they make a drive down to visit my uncle. My dilemma is this: What do I do when they show up? I'm going to be the only one home, meaning at some point I'm gonna have to see them to give them the keys/papers. My first thought was to leave the shit on the front step, but that wouldn't leave me fulfilled. I only get one shot at this, so I have to do it right.

First step I think I'll be taking is pitching the keys as far as I can toss them, maybe with a "Go fuck yourself" thrown in there for emphasis. I'm sure that will lead into a verbal rant where I can then describe to them how detached I feel from my "Family" who hasn't been there for my Mom, Sister or I since the day we buried my Dad.

Thoughts? Ideas? I'm feeling very emo for posting this but I figured it was new and interesting enough to warrant a thread.

tl;dr Asshole family coming to house to get car, what should I do?

 

[Sirjarvis]

Toss them the keys, tell them to go fuck themselves, and keep a baseball bat handy in case they try to come in the house...

 

[Zhaoyun]

Shit in a bag and say the keys/papers are in there.

 

[Zyndara]

People grieve in different ways. I don't know the whole back story such as was your father's family shitty to your family or how they expressed their disagreement with your father's friend living with you all. But something like coming to retrieve your father's things might be a very emotional and difficult thing for them. Maybe they didn't feel like they were ready to face doing it, or maybe they were not ready to share their grief with all of you. As hard as that may be for you to understand, grief is a very personal thing for some people.

I guess what I'm saying is, you're hurting deeply, but undoubtedly they are too. A death is so hugely emotionally charged for everyone involved, and it's reasonable that your first instinct/reaction would be anger at them for not being more sensitive to your family or for not being more supportive. If the relationship with your Dad's side of the family is important to you, then I'd say the only advice I might give is just to remember that they're human too, and try to keep some consideration for their feelings in your mind as well. If not, then all I'd suggest is to try to show the class and dignity that maybe they didn't, and not to do something or say something that you will come to regret.

My condolences on your loss, and I wish you the best with the situation with your family; I hope it works out.

 

[Tim Wakefield]

While I agree with what you're saying Zyn, I just feel like its been completely inappropriate for them to create a feud at such a bad time. Sure, they lost a family member just like we did, but to hold a grudge against us for having his friend staying here whom my dad invited to live here in the first place is just acenine in my eyes.

As far as the stuff goes, they were the first ones to tear apart his room and take things that they wanted. Luckily my Mom was smart enough to grab a few things for myself and my sister before they got their hands on it, but it clearly wasn't too hard on them then. The stuff thats left now is just the leftovers (Clothes, etc.). We were all very close, they were over here sometimes once a week, and for them to not even be able to make a phone call to see how we are doing is unforgivable to me.

 

[Mizuti]

If you're sure that they're in the wrong on this one, then there's a part of me that agrees with you on this. However, if they started a feud, you fueling the flames really isn't going to help all that much. I suggest that you at the very least be civil with them, maybe ask them about it. Either way, it's your call... but just keep in mind, you can't control what other people are going to do, but you can control what you're going to do.

 

[Zyndara]

While I agree with what you're saying Zyn, I just feel like its been completely inappropriate for them to create a feud at such a bad time. Sure, they lost a family member just like we did, but to hold a grudge against us for having his friend staying here whom my dad invited to live here in the first place is just acenine in my eyes.

As far as the stuff goes, they were the first ones to tear apart his room and take things that they wanted. Luckily my Mom was smart enough to grab a few things for myself and my sister before they got their hands on it, but it clearly wasn't too hard on them then. The stuff thats left now is just the leftovers (Clothes, etc.). We were all very close, they were over here sometimes once a week, and for them to not even be able to make a phone call to see how we are doing is unforgivable to me.

I agree with you then; that seems very cold to me. I would react much like you have I think, and I would also find it just plain hurtful that they didn't bother to see how you were all holding up. I think it's important for you to not add to the tenseness of the situation by addressing it when you see them now because that won't be good for you or your family right now... It'll just add to the stress and emotional upheaval you're already feeling. But if you really feel the need to tell them how they've made you feel or if you have any interest in salvaging the relationship with them at this point, I'd maybe pick one of them that you are closest to and have a private and very frank conversation about it. Then you're not creating a situation of "our family vs. their family," or publicly humiliating anyone but you'll be saying exactly what you need to say and getting it off your chest.

Family is so important. And I know that it's hard to be the better person when you feel you've been hurt by the people you love, but at least when you look back on it, you won't have any regrets about the way you handled it. Good luck with however you decide to tackle it. I hope it works out.

 

[Stine]

I am sorry to hear about these problems. Being that I'm not personally there or involved, I'm not sure what to say. If it were me I wouldn't let them walk all over me and do it in the most civil way possible. That may not work for you though. It sounds to me like they were just after stuff. Unfortunately when people die for some reason everyone thinks they have a claim on the inheritance. It is also very petty of them to not like the fact that your dad's friend is living there. If it was your dad's wishes then I'd remind them of that and continue to let him live there.

I wish the best for you and your family especially you, your mom, and your sister. Times like these are hard enough on you and they should be considerate of that. It sounds like you would rather them care about what has happened to you instead of all the stuff anyway. I hope that your family can overcome this.

 

[Anttaru]

I guess this is more of a question on how to handle a particular situation I will be facing in the very near future, but I'll lay out some back story first...

My father had a very good friend. Best friend. Pretty much his only good friend, who was going through some rough times. He had been bouncing between multiple jobs in multiple cities, while trying to also make time to visit his daughter who lives with his Ex-Wife. Anyway, he was living in Indianapolis and finally got a stable job offer back in Pittsburgh where we live. Upon telling us he was moving back here, my Dad offered to let him live with us for a little while until he got back on his feet. The rest of us in the house were fine with it, and the decision was pretty easy.

So back about 3 days before Thanksgiving, my Dad and his friend drove out to Indy to get all of his junk to move back here. Two days later my Father passed away. We went through the whole funeral ordeal and yadda yadda yadda. I also had an Uncle and Grandmother living in this house die here within the last 4 years. I'm used to it (not that you can really get "used" to it, but thats not the relevance of this particular story).

The friend continued to live with us afterward. He helped alot around the house, driving my mom to work, cooking and doing laundry, etc. I thought it was a minor blessing that he was here while we were going through such a tough time. Apparently my Dads side of the family didn't agree.

I have not seen, heard from, or spoken to any of them since. My Dads twin brother was supposed to come home from Florida to help clear out the rest of the belongings which are currently sitting in boxes in our basement taking up space. That was February. He never came. He was also a co-signer on my Dads car, and had planned to take it back to Florida with him. Its still here.

So, some of the aforementioned family is coming to pick the car up on Tuesday, before they make a drive down to visit my uncle. My dilemma is this: What do I do when they show up? I'm going to be the only one home, meaning at some point I'm gonna have to see them to give them the keys/papers. My first thought was to leave the shit on the front step, but that wouldn't leave me fulfilled. I only get one shot at this, so I have to do it right.

First step I think I'll be taking is pitching the keys as far as I can toss them, maybe with a "Go fuck yourself" thrown in there for emphasis. I'm sure that will lead into a verbal rant where I can then describe to them how detached I feel from my "Family" who hasn't been there for my Mom, Sister or I since the day we buried my Dad.

Thoughts? Ideas? I'm feeling very emo for posting this but I figured it was new and interesting enough to warrant a thread.

tl;dr Asshole family coming to house to get car, what should I do?

Invite them in and show them what wonderful family they have. If they do turn out to be bad company, then deal with them accordingly. But keep in mind they see you as family and whatever performance you put on while they are over, is interesting in a subconscious way.

For what it's worth, them not being there for you will only make you stronger in the end. Possibly you'll heal faster.

A little off topic, but what part of Trinidad or Tobago are you in ?

 

[Kotsu]

Let me know and we'll galka stomp them. I'd consider flying out there for that. >.>

I'm sorry about your dad and the way shit has come down man. In the end, it's better to just cut ties with the people who aren't your real family. Family is more than blood, it's the entire relationship, experience, and emotion. Either way, good luck man. I know it's not easy but it's also not something you can run away from as the man of the house now. Let me know if you need help with anything.

 

[K. Ishitar]

I wish you the best tim, sorry not really experienced dealing with this stuff but I know that when people die it's disgusting how the 'family' all come over like little pigs to stuff into their mouths what they can and leave their shit for you to deal with.

i hope it goes well

 

[Genkaku]

Walk outside. Be polite. Pass the keys and the papers. Ignore them saying anything belittling or abrasive. Wave them off and walk back inside.

Gone baby, gone.

 

[skreb]

i would say what would your father want you to do?
my bet is to be the better man and treat them respectfully.
a bitter pill to swallow yes, but your dad will smile down on you.
i think about this when i need to make a decision that i am uncomfortable with then i think what my dad want me to do. i really believe my pop is looking down on me and wants me to do the right thing, not always easy though. damn writing this i really miss my dad now :/

 

[Solitia]

My dad died recently too.... was kind of the opposite experience though, he died more or less penniless :/ Sorry that you're getting shit from the family....