Growing up

[ds083roadkill]

My family (the ppl i live with currently) are all female, so it's biast. (even my brother, he's homosexual). But im faced with a life changing decision.

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Back story; My friend, My g/f and myself all moved out into a apartment, me and my friend were working at the same job, myself for a 1.5 years and him for 6-8 months. My g/f was bringing in housecleaning money, she only had to pay for a 1/3 of the rent, we paid the other bills in addition to rent due to the fact she did laundry and dishes ect out of choice.

Well, i lost my job due to a bullshit claim that i was "stealing" yet the reason submitted to unemployment was i had my g/f in the stockroom bringing me lunch. So, we couldnt afford the apartment anymore due it being 1015/mo rent alone. We moved out to rockford where it was 800/mo for a full house. I picked up a part time job at k-mart and things were semi-steady. I started to loose hours week after week. i went from 30+ to 10~ish. My g/f was not pulling in the amount of money that she was at the apt. due to distance. she picked up a job at a morgage firm, which turned out to be bullshit after a amount of time while was being presude by the FBI for fraud and tax evasion. so the latter checks started to bounce.

My friend got a transpher and was still pulling in enough money to keep us afloat IF, he contributed almost all his money he made. He was unwilling to do that and we left the house. My g/f and myself moved back in with my mother around july/august. At first, i was handling my bisness. got all my info squared away, was bringing food into the house threw church benifets and pantries, working odd jobs to get some cash together for my lisence.

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The cash was not staying with me though, i had to fork it over to pay for my g/f's medications, cigs and women products. I thought, "well fuck this, she's able bodied. Make your own damn money". into remission i went, for the late part of 2009, i did basically nothing. The sex was nearly gone, and if it was i wouldnt even nut. just spend a hour pounding away when she wanted it. if i was lucky i could sneak into a postition is could still watch TV.

My train of thought was, well eventually she'll either A) get a job, or B) leave me. At the point in time i could care less of what either happened. I was not happy.

Well here comes the life destroyer to every man. "i think im pregnant", and she was, according to the first clinic visit, she was 3 weeks pregnant, as opposed to the 6 weeks she was laying on me. She was on birth control the entire time we were together. Now, im not saying i never want a child, but when i do want one, i want to be living somewhere other then my mother garage, with stability and income. As it is, between the old bills, fines and tickets, and my apt lease. im pretty high in debt, over 5k but under 10k. So, we are not ready to bring a child into this world. To make matters worse, she is a heavy smoker. I personally HATE the smell of tobacco smoke (pot i can smoke all day thou ). She quit smoking for me back around the time we lived in the apartment, because she knew i hated it. Well, i had suspected she started again when she was taking frequent and long breaks in th bathroom in the apartment and more so in the house.

Her lesbo boss got her smoking again, and around 4-5 months after starting again, when we are moving her boss into a new house she drops "oh, you know im smoking again, right?"...real casual and shit. well yeah, the thought had crossed my mind, but i loved her and trusted her so i never accused.I was right with my assumptions, she had started back in the apartment. But, i opened myself up to be crossed, so whatever. "she had planned on quitting again". Now mind you, between the time i suppected her, and the end of 09', this was OVER a 1 year period. How do you plann on quitting, yet blazing threw over a pack a day in december??

Its Superficial. I wasnt going to break our relationship, which was still strong, over tobacco. I just used it as leverage to do shit she hated, like hide my pickles from my burgers under her pillow when she went to sleep. Or sit right outside the door and talk to her when she really really had to pee, but has some complex about she couldnt do it when i was listening really hard. ANYWAY,back to the baby.


Obviously, i dont want to keep it. Our current situation is unstable, she smokes like a chimmney and is under pain medication for a old foot surgery that the doctor said is harmful to the child. Yet she still wants to keep it. Her arguement is she dosent want to have to deal with the pain of aborting a baby (which when we had this discussion was the day of the 1st clinic visit, so withing the 7 week window that pill-form abortion is still viable.) I was going to just outright take the cigs away, but i didnt because she told me "abortion was still an option".. well she waited, and waited, and waited until pill abortion was no longer viable. and informed me she wasnt going to abort. Due the fact she had 2 miscarriges in the past, she dosent want to emotional guilt of "sucking this ones arms off". Trying to sell me on a bunch of pro-life propaganda on the internet.

So im crossed again with the cig issue. Now its not just a problem with me, its a problem with my unborn son or daughter. Smoking heavy in the first trimester, the most important. She throws at me "i know plenty of people that smoked during thier pregnacy..." Well that may be, but not with my child, i will not.

But fuck me right, its not like the baby is in me, not shit i can do about it. I tell around the 10th of december, if you dont stop smoking before the new year, were done. I will not sit idly by whlle she harms this child more. Well 10 till '10, and she buys 2 more packs from the gas station, basically saying fuck what you say. So its done, im single, im sticking to my guns. Not what i exspected to happen, but i guess she loves ciggs more then she loves me and the child. To this day, she has not stopped smoking.

She has moved out with her cousin due to the cold, even thought she was sleeping in the house with heat..so idk what cold she's refering too. As a hail mary, she needs money to buy her medication. I give her my gift cards i got for christmas, the only thing i got for christmas, so she can get her medication. She planned on paying me back in cash next time she went to her doctor, which was out her. I thought cool, i can have cash then.

I went to Le core don blue, chicago's culinary college. its what i want to do, i needed that money for the application fee. well she came by the house, instead of giving me my money, she takes the puppy we raised 2 days after his 1yr birthday. So, now im well off. rode my bike 10 miles to and from the train station in the dead cold for naught, and she now has the child and the dog. Everyone on her facebook is talking shit about me, like im doing the wrong shit.




Question being, do i make ammends with her for the babies sake, and try to hold a faux relationship. or go my own way and be the weekend father, like my father was. Im doing whats best for the child. i did not want a child, but its coming, and i have to provide for them. Its not his/her fault.


The ghetto side of me is saying she got you with the ol' keep-a-nlgga-baby.
forgive the numerous spelling errors, venting...

 

[Parnford]

Holy shit dude. I've been thru some pretty hectic stuff in my life, but never this heavy. No matter what anybody tells you on this matter though, it's your decision in the end. If you feel beeing a "weekend father" go for it, or holding a faux relationship, do it. But, think of it this way, each side has its pros and cons. For instance, holding a faux relationship for sake of the child...short term it might work, but do you want your child growing up thinking... "why dont mommy and daddy love eachother?" .In my OPINION...I feel the weekend father thing might work. THats how things were for me when I was growing up, I lived with my dad, saw my mom on the weekends. I never felt like either of them didnt care, it was situational, and it never really bothered me. You can still love a child from a-far, and still dedicate yourself 100% to him/her. That way you dont have to fake anything, and still give your child the love he/she deserves. Either way, as bad as shit might seem right now, every cloud does have its silver lining, and try to keep your head up.

 

[Uzor]

imo, you should never hold a fake relationship for the sake of a child. I agree, I want a baby when me and my partner has a stable relationship, stable economical situation, good appartment etc. A child deserves that. However, that does not mean that you should hold a faux relationship for the same of a child. You need to take care of yourself, too. Do stuff for yourself, and not only the child.

I have to ask, though, why on earth do you do stuff that annoys her simply because she smokes? I mean, I understand where you're coming from, I hate the smell of tobacco too. But seriously, that's no excuse to allow yourself to do things she hate. That's a rather immature way of thinking. If you love someone, you love them. That includes all of the flaws that make someone. If a flaw is serious enough that you go to lengths just to annoy her, then that speaks that the relationship won't hold long - as shown by what happened. The fact she tried to hide her smoking from you shows she respected you not liking her smoking, and as such I truly believe she did try to quit, but couldn't. Giving up smoking is actually harder than giving up heroine. And trust me, I know. One of my father's siblings died from a Heroine addiction, and my father's sister used to be a heroinist. She managed to get clean from that, but she's still smoking, and now works with helping others out of their heroine addiction.

 

[Raesylil]

Holding a fake relationship is not healthy for either of you. You would be tied down to a person you don't love and not able to seek happiness for yourself. A child will be able to sense that the relationship between the mom and dad are strained if not fake.
Do you want to make your baby go through all that crap?

I'm guessing she is a pretty heavy smoker. A pack a day...yea. If it was less, I'm guessing it would have been a bit more possible to quit.
Maybe she smokes because she feels stressed? I know I did. I smoked if I was stressed from work or if I had a fight with my bf.
The thing is it is difficult to even cut down on the number of cigs. I was able to because I started to keep track of it and was disgusted from smoking like 10 a day at some point. When I didn't smoke, I got really irritable, bitchy. I started to shave the total off 1 by 1 over the course of a few weeks.

You did do some childish things to piss her off as well lol. Resentment towards your partner does not bode well in any relationship.
It may have become one of the "triggers" for her smoking as well.
I'm not going to say you were in the right but I do understand you wanted to "punish" her even a little bit.
If you were doing that, then I don't think the relationship was meant to last. I'm sure at some point you did love her.

Did you guys use condoms even while she was on the pill?
Are you sure she was on the pill when it was oh lets say 3-4 weeks ago?
If it was on the placebo week then...she got you.

She's still angry with you, I imagine. People talking shit about you on facebook proves she's been talking.
It looks like she doesn't feel like she did anything wrong.
Of course, people will tell the story thats more or less makes them sound better. They would never tell others what possibly triggered it if it would make them seem the "bad" one.
If she fed you some pro-life stuff, you could have shown her some pictures of under-weight babies or those with a hare-lip.
Apparently, smoking can increase the possibility of a child born with one. Though the possibility seems slim, it's still there.

Which do you think is right?
Maintaining some form of relationship with the ex or be a weekend dad?
She's still going to squeeze money out of you for child support. You can still love your kid even if you aren't with her anymore.

Which option is more realistic in the long run?

 

[Rips]

You can start by recognizing that you're homosexual brother is male, not female.

Depend on your family and on yourself, it'll work itself out.

 

[ds083roadkill]

thx for the replies, uzor's esp. shined some light on maybe i was doing some bad things.

but in contrast, its not like i did those mean things 12+ times a day, like she smoked. It didnt bother me so much when she was in the other room, because my roomate smoked too, but he kept it confined to his room. What got me is she had some kinda habit, i swear 90% of the time, as SOON as i was ready to come to bed, she would light one. and being dead tired... i would have to drag myself out of bed and wait for her to finish because it would ruin my sleep. That and after sex... i would split like a lion cuz it drove me nuts.

 

[Hexx]

Yeah man, it's no good trying to keep a fake relationship "for the sake of the baby", all it will do is traumatize the child. Kids may be kids, but they can pick up on the animosity two parents may feel towards one another if they are together just for the child. As for the smoking, see, me and my wife used to smoke a lot as well, however once she had the suspicion that she was pregnant, she stopped completely. Reason for that is exactly what you said, smoking during the pregancy is the worst thing you can do to the baby. One of my aunts smoked all through her pregnancy, and when my cousin was born, ended up born with lung problems, and now that he's in school, he also has some serious learning disabilities. You as the father have as much say as she does in regards to what happens to that child. Take her to court if you have to! I would have thrown the book at her legally if I was in your place.....jus' sayin' >.>

 

[bigbroon]

Your ex sounds like a cunt, plain and simple. Quitting smoking is difficult, but nowhere near impossible. Willpower is a fantastic thing that doesn't actually exist. If you're faced with the choice of stopping smoking or leaving your partner, and you don't stop smoking, you don't care enough for your partner for the relationship to work. She sounds selfish, that's about it. In my opinion, you need to try and find a way to talk to her. Ask if you can have a sit-down, but make it clear that it's about your child, not about the two of you. By the sounds of things (and you're right), you have no interest in a relationship with her, but you have to have some kind of contact with her. (On a side-note, are you sure that you're the father of the child? I know it might seem weird, but if you were using protection the whole time then there's a chance it's someone elses).

If the child is yours, you have a responsibility to be available as a parent to the child; he/she didn't chose to be born into a failed relationship. The worst thing you can do, however, is to stay in a stale/volatile relationship for the sake of a child. You'll most likely have a detrimental effect on the child's upbringing by doing that. You and this woman need to have some kind of vocal relationship, as you'll need to come to an arrangement when it comes to access to the child. This is all on the basis of the child being yours, of course. If it's not, you can walk away and never talk to her again with a clear conscience. If it's yours, you have to be available for the child, while not being in a relationship with the woman. It would negatively affect you also, in addition to the child. You have needs and feelings too. Don't let the woman and her friends pressure you into anything, though. The friends are obviously biased because they're her friends. They can't leave you comments unless you have them as a friend, and you can't read them unless you're looking for them.

My advice, simply, would be to stay with your Mother until you save up enough, or complete college, while supporting the baby. Under no circumstances should you move back in with this woman. You made a go of it, you tried to make it work, but it didn't. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[Miros]

Drop the ho bag.

 

[Linhjah]

It seems pretty obvious that you are both unhappy with each other. As has been stated previously, there is no reason to subject your child to an unhealthy relationship. Its much better for you to stay separated. Maybe somewhere down the line one or both of you will meet someone new and be able to role model the healthy, happy relationship your child might eventually strive for. You don't want your child growing up expecting to be in an unhappy relationship based on what s/he's experienced with you two.

It would be much more traumatic for the child to go through your divorce/separation when s/he's 5 years old than if s/he never experiences you two together. Lets not kid ourselves, with where your relationship is at right now, it doesn't really have a lot of staying power.

As far as whether or not to walk away from the child, that is your call. If she is able to establish paternity, you will be legally obligated to pay child support regardless of your relationship with the child. If you are concerned about the child's best interests, be his father. Money is important, but it is certainly not more important than love and family, least of all to a small child. You have to decide what is most important to you here, and it is definitely not a decision to be taken lightly.

Good luck.

 

[Romper]

There's some things that you should have stopped doing right away if you were in a tight squeeze. 1) You should never enable anyone's habits and 2) that includes your own. Of course her friends are going to talk shit because she wont tell them the truth about what she was doing. I don't mean to offend, but Roadkill she sounds like an idiot. She wont be able to have a thought of her own and will listen to any sort of bull shit that comes her way from your side of the story. She'll play out that she's the victim and it'll carry on for months. The child will be born, and more than likely have complications because of her selfishness to not quit smoking. I agree with Miros; you tried it's time to drop the ho-bag and ignore her cronies.

 

[Morcheeba]

I agree with pretty much what everyone has said here. By the sounds of things she seems selfish and immaute.

What I want to make clear however is this, it is not necessarily possible for any and all women to stop smoking because they have found out they are pregnant. No if's and or buts, it is NOT easy and for some damn near impossible without a stop-smoking aid. Pregnanct women cannot take anything to aid in their addiction and have to fight with nothing but their will. It's not easy and for everyone not necessarily possible.

I wasn't able to stop myself until I was pushing at least 7 weeks. I knew I was pregnant almost right away, but that didn't mean I could just drop the habit. In fact I got myself extremely upset and worried because I wasn't finding my will power was at all up to the challenge and it seemed so many other women could just stop once they found out. I was envious and felt badly about myself. I did eventually get tired, or uninterested in smoking and just stopped dead one day, but that was after much stress and anxiety which I will tell you is NOT good for mommy or baby.

Some doctors will even advise to not bother quitting but just cutting back because the severe stress you will cause yourself is less healthy than to continue with slight risks.

Just sayin.

I at least felt bad. I felt guilty for not having the willpower right away and worried I wouldn not have the willpower. It's no joke and I wish all non-smokers, those who have never experienced the vice would choose their judgement wisely.

And a lot of my generation were born to mothers who smoked through-out their entire pregnancies without issue. Yes the risks are there and no I do not personally condone it but I will also not shun women who cannot get passed the vice in such a time. It could potentially cause more harm than good.

 

[Young318]

That's nuts!