Harry Potter Spoofs

[Blackmagik]

WARNING! The following parody is incredibly obscene and should not be read by children or those weak of mind. Or anybody else, for that matter. Enjoy! (this is #4, after this there are 1, 2 and 3)

Harry Potter and the Urges of Firey Goblets

Tea Kettle: Tinka Blinka, click click click, fwooshfire.

Frank Bryce: *sees light in Riddle House* Damn children…

Kettle: fwooshdoom!
Frank: Huh?
Kettle: FWOOSH!
Frank: Oh, okay. Damn kids. *walks up to Riddle House and sees big, scary clearly-not-from-fire blue light upstairs*

Nagini: Sssth, hashaasheeheth, cha cha cha cha cha.

Voldemort: Hasha, cha cha cha cha cha? Wormtail, kill the house attendant outside the door.

Wormtail: Grr, gaze into my evil MOLE of DOOM! MOLE! Cha cha!

Frank: AHH, IT BURNSSS!
Voldemort: Agh, you idiot! *turns towards Frank* ABRAKADAMMIT! *green flash*

*Frank dies*



Harry: *Awakens* Ahh! Snakes, moles, ugly baby!

Hermione: Harry, you were just having a bad dream.

Harry: … What the hell, how long have you been sitting on my bed?

Hermione: Only a few hours.. Say, Harry, do you ever get urges?
Harry: Dude, do you have any idea how many people ask me that in a day?

Hermione: Ron, wake up!
Ron: *mumbling* but I don't see why we should split the bill evenly, I just got soup.

Hermione: WAKE UP!

Ron: Rah, cha cha. Where are we going?



Harry: Mr. Weasley, just WHERE are we going?

Mr. Weasley: To and old smelly boot, of course. We must ride it to the World Cup.

Harry: won't that smell aweful?

Ginny: Dumbass

Fred: Idiot, gosh.

George: Harry, do you get urges?

Harry: ...

Mr. Weasley: Look, there's Amos Diggory, and his son, Cedric.

Amos: I invented pants. And cookies, Amos Cookies.

Cedric: No you didn't…

Amos: I also invented the internet. And pants.

Mr. Weasley: What the hell is a cookie?

Hermione: Look, an old dilapidated boot! Let's go feel it, rub it, squeeze it, and call it George.

Ron: LET'S DO IT!

Harry: Yeah!

Ginny: Yeah!

Fred and George: Yeah!

Amos and Arthur: Yeah!

Cedric: … my grand slam was supposed to come with sausage.

*all grab boot*

Boot: You may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see…

Harry: man, wrong prop.

Boot: Oh… the sorting hat is my brother, you know.

Arthur: Don't care, fling us up into the air, grab our bowels, and shoot us off to the middle of a wizard-infested camp ground!

Boot: Harry, do you get urges?

Harry: no…

Boot: oh, dammit. *flies into the air with the group handing on to it.* Do you have any idea how uncomfortable this is for me?

*all people fall off*

Harry: OMG, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEE!

Hermione: Harry, about those urges…

Ron: FORGET THE DAMN URGES, I AM GONNA DIE A VIRGIN!

*all fall on ground*

Harry: Ron, what are you talking about? Remember that one fan fiction on the same sex pairings section of MNFF we were in? Eh, eh, remember? You got pregnant, eh, eh?

Hermione: Dudes, look at all the groovy people with the tents and the colors and the stuff!

Arthur: let's go to the tent, shall we?



In the middle of the camp grounds is the most pathetic tent you've ever seen. It is five feet square.

Harry: how the bloody duck are we fitting in there?

Arthur: *winks at Harry* We'll manage.

*all pile into tent, save for Harry. After everyone gets in Harry goes through the curtain and sees that the tent is indeed five feet square with six full-grown wizards back-to-back.*

Harry: Yeah, I think I'll sleep outside. Gah, use magic, bitches.

Arthur: STFU, Harry. Anyway, not a moment to waste, we need to get to the Quidditch Game! It's only a minute long, you know.

Harry: Ahh, dammit. Come on, it would only take five minutes to do.

Arthur: Now, Harry, I don't make the rules. You can blame that on Mike Newell.

Harry: What a slut!



Announcer: and introducing Viktor Krum!

Krum: *waves* Haha, and world peace!



*match ends, screaming in the distance*

Ron: Heh, sounds like another Irish woman is giving birth.

Arthur: Wait, that isn't an Irish woman… it is the distinct sound of EVIL!
Ron: isn't that what I said?

Arthur: everyone, get out of the tent before it explodes!

Harry: OMG, ANARCHY! DUDE, someone trampled me and I have passed out. Soooo not cool.



Barty Crouch Jr.: MandiMooresdor!

Harry: Wicked…

Ron: Harry!

Hermione: Harry!

Ron: Harry, don't die! You never answered the question about your urges!

Harry: I'm fine, luckily this dead, homeless muggle broke my fall.

Hermione: That's fortunate.

*from all directions* RED WOOSH, BLUE WOOSH, OMG WOOSH!

Arthur: Don't kill the red-headed one, he's my son! Take the scarred one and the one with the hair-that-should-totally-be-frizzy-but-isn't!

Barty Crouch: Which one of you conjured it? Eh, EH? You, boy, with the urges!

Harry: Dammit, I thought I was concealing them pretty well.

Arthur: Barty, think logically… Harry couldn't have done it, he's Harry Potter! It would be like Hitler wearing a peace sign across his chest. It must've been Hermione.

MoM Wizard: SHE'S A WITCH! WITCH, WITCH, BURN HER!

Hermione: Technically, you're a witch too…

MoM Wizard: No… NO, SHE LIES! I am a good conservative catholic! Really, I am!

Barty: Oh.. burn him…

Harry: Dude, it totally wasn't Hermione. It was some guy. And what is this conjured thing you speak of

Hermione: Harry? Harry? See the big skull in the sky with the snake slithering out of it? Yeah, that's the dark mark.

Harry: Do you mean to say, that that mark, the one conjured by the random creepy guy, is up in the sky with a snake slithering out of its mouth?

Hermione: …

Harry: Which must mean… TO THE BATMOBILE!

Ron: No, it's You-Know-Who's SIGN.

Harry: I know! It's Voldemort's SIGN!

Ron: NO… WAY…



*Hogwarts Theme Music – train whistle*

MadamLadyOFood: Anything off the trolly?

Ron: Yeah, I'll have two dozen chocolate frogs, four pumpkin pasties *sniggers, haha, pasties*, eight cauldron cakes, three vats of pumpkin juice, and a cockroach cluster. *digs into pockets*… Oh, I guess I'll just have a pumpkin pasty *HAHAHAHA, PASTY!*

Harry: I'll have what he said, but I'll actually have it, and I'll have double.

MadamLadyOFood: Alright, that will be 11932 galleons, please.

Harry: WTF!?

MadamLadyOFood: Hey, the cost of gas for this train is expensive!

Cho: I'll have a pumpkin pasty.

Harry: *sniggers* Pasty… Whoa, you're eyes are so pretty.

Cho: Harry, your epidermis is showing!

Harry: OMG, WHERE?! Oh.. bitch.



At Hogwarts

Harry: Look, a flying carriage!

Hermione: Look, a ship in the lake… Coming from UNDER the water.. NO… WAY…

Ron: I got a rock.



Dumbledore: So, yeah foo's, I was all “GET OUTTA MY GRILL FOO, and he was all “gimme a sumtin sumtin”. And now it is my pleasure to introduce the lovely ladies of Box-Buttons!

*fluttery sounds, dancing, combined erection of all males in Hogwarts*

Hermione: *looks at Ron's pants* That is SO disgusting!

Ron: Ya think so? I'll show you mine if you show me yours, Harry.

Harry: I don't have a dark mark, Ron.

Ron: I know.



Dumbledore: And now the proud sons of Durm-strangle.

Girls in great hall: is it just me or is every one of the Durmstrangle people REALLY ugly?

Hermione: Krum is such a whore. Look at him and his chisled abs, his sculpted chin, and that tight ass.



Dumbledore: So, foos, Barty was all, “You shall be playing host to the Tri-Wizard Tournament this year”, so I was all, “Yeah, let's DO IT!”



Krum enters into competition

Fleur enters

Cedric enters

Harry doesn't..



Dumbledore: And from Boxbuttons.. Fleur Delacore!

And from Durmstrangle: Viktor Krum (dude, did anyone else realize that nobody else from Durmstrangle entered?

And from Hogwarts… CEDRIC DIGGORY!

Cedric: NO… WAY… Harry, do you get urges?



Dumbledore: and that concludes the… OMG, THE GOBLET IS ON FIRE!

*catches random name*

HARRY POTTER!



Harry: if they can't see you, you're invisible, like a duck, or a penguin, or a frog, or a

Dumbledore: HARRY POTTER, GET YO NARRAW ASS UP HERE!

Harry: … shit

Students: cheater, traitor, liar, slut, bitch, WHORE!

*Harry goes into inauspicious room of doom*

Dumbledore: Harry, how did you do it?! Did you put your name in the cup?!

Harry: Uh.. no.

Madam Maxime: Of course he did, the dirty little wanker.

Harry: Dude… you are so… robust.

Maxime: Harry, do you get urges?



Ron: So, it turns out that you have to do this even though you're gonna die?

Harry: Yeah…

Ron: I hate you! I hate you and you should die! DIE!

Harry: …



Rita Skeeter: How much does it suck to be in a tournament where it is almost certain that you will die, Harry?

Harry: can you tell me again why we're in a broom closet?

Rita: So, it's tough knowing that your imminent doom approaches with the first task of this tournament?

Harry: when did I say anything about –

Rita: well, that concludes this photo shoot

Harry: are you even listening to me

Rita: How precious, he craves attention.

Harry: *looks at quick quotes quill* I do not look up to you with great admiration and suffer from urges!



Roo roo, evil classroom of doo doo, roo roo doom, Madeye

Madeye: Haha, teehee, there are three kinds of unforgivable curses. What are they? Miss Granger.

Hermione: Imperius, Death Curse, and Crucio.

Madeye: Yes, and why are they called that, Neville?

Neville: Uh… because they're unforgivable?

Madeye: Exactly, ten points to Gryffindor! Now, let's manipulate and cause emotional trauma to some cave spiders, shall we?

Neville: AHH, NO, OH ME GA… Momma? Papa?

Fans: that is in such bad taste…

Greg: Yeah, well… SHUT UP!



Hermione: Seamus told me to tell you that Ron said that Dobby was looking for you so he could tell you that you need to go see Parvati right away so she can tell you about what Dean wants to tell you about Hagrid needing to see you.

Harry:… Well, tell Ron..

Hermione: BITCH, I'M NOT YOUR MIDDLE BITCH!

Harry: *turns to Neville who is knee-deep in poop* Women. Can't live with ‘em, can't turn them into flaming piles of

Neville: gillyweed?

Harry: Uh… I was gonna say shit, but okay.



Harry: Hey Hagrid, you needed me?

Hagrid: Yeah, follow me. And put on the invisibility cloak.

Harry: Hagrid… you smell like dead fish and your hair looks aweful… Are you going on a date?

Hagrid: STFU, look, dragons.

Harry: The first task is DRAGONS?!

Hagrid: Yep.. Look, they like eachother!

*dragons try to scorch eachother*

Harry: How… cute?

Hagrid: Ahh, they're hugging!



Harry: Hey, Cedric, the first task is dragons

Cedric: That totally sucks.

Harry: Yes

Cedric: Indeed.

Harry: Shallow.

Cedric: and pedantic.

Harry: Yes



Madeye: if you summon it, it will come.

Harry: Mr. Moody, that is NOT the way you talk to students.

Madeye: I'm talking about your broom.

Harry: GROSS!

Madeye: BROOMSTICK!

Harry: EWW, OLD MAN GAY!

Madeye: Quidditch

Harry: QUEERDITCH, DID I HEAR?

Madeye: Harry, just summon the broom to get away from the dragon.

Harry: Oh, okay.



Dragon: Harry, I am so gonna kill you.

Harry: Nuh uh, sister, I kill YOU!

Dragon: *breaks loose*

Harry: *summons broom*

Dragon and Harry: *fly around castle*

Harry: *falls*
Dragon: WHOOSH

Tea Kettle: WHOOSH
Dragon: Harry, do you get urges?

Harry: NO *maneuvers and dragon dies*

Yay!

Harry: *gets golden egg*



Harry in common room: DO YOU WANT ME TO OPEN IT?!

Common room: YEAH! DO IT!

Harry: *opens egg*

Cyndi Lauper: Maybe he'll know I'm not so sure maybe he'll know, well maybe he'll be my cure

Collected voice of common room: CLOSE IT!

Ron: what the bloody sex was that?

Harry: what, you talking to me now?

Ron: apparently

Harry: cool



Random kid: Mr. Weasley, you have a package.

Ron: Oh, thank you, Nebakenezer. Wait, why didn't an owl deliver this.

Nebakenezer: I'm a producer's son.

Ron: ahh… *opens box* OMG, MY DRESS ROBES CAME IN!

Nebakenezer: *oggles*

Ron: Away with you, ya grubby little wanker.

Harry: OOH, lemme see.

Ron: *pulls out frilly pink dress robes*

Harry: Man, they accent your manly eyes.

Hermione: Yeah, they go especially well with your Aunt Mildred.

Ginny: Burn!

Ron: Yeah, well… You're ugly!

Hermione: Hah, you won't be thinking that when you see my cleavage later on in the movie.

Ron: Huh?

Hermione: Oh, nothing…



McGonagall: Welcome to dance classes for the Yule Ball. Everyone, line up against the wall and watch Ron dance with me. Ron, place your left hand upon my right butt cheek .

Ron: WHERE?!

McGonagall: JUST DO IT!

Ron: *places hand reluctantly*

McGonagall: Yeah, that's the stuff.



Ron: Dude, we need dates.

Harry: No kidding.

Ron: Hey, Hermione, you have breasts..

Hermione: NO… WAY…

Ron: Wongobawime? I mean, if I show up alone, who cares.. but if you do? You'll look like suck an unwanted whore.

Hermione: No, I am already going, thank you very much! *storms off*

Ron: …Bitch…



Harry: Hey, Cho.

Cho: Hello, Harry

Harry: Well, umm.. I know this isn't the best place to talk, seeing that it's covered in 9593 years worth of bird feces, but… I was wondering if you wongobawime?

Cho: Oh, I'm sorry, Harry, I'm already wongobawimating with someone else.

Harry: Oh… who?

Cho: Your mother!

Harry: …

Cho: Say, Harry, do you get urges?

Harry: Not anymore, bitch.



Ron: Dude, I still haven't been able to get a date.

Harry: Yeah, same here. Every time I ask a girl out to the ball she asks if I get urges…

Ron: Harry, do you get-

Harry: Stop… now.

Parvati and Padma: ‘ello, Harry.

Harry: Hi *thought pops up* what a sweet ass.

Parvati: Ooh,

Padma: thanks!

Harry: Wongobawime and Ron?

Padma: That sounds

Parvati: Dashing! *both walk away*

Ron: Damn, they're creepy.

Harry: Well, do you want to get laid or not? They are practically the biggest sluts in Hogwarts.

Ron: Good point.



Harry: Arrives at ball.

Ron: What the hell, you just said that out loud. It's supposed to be in asterisks.

Harry: *Oh yeah*

Ron: What, are you dyslexic or something?

McGonagall: Harry, you have to dance first with your partner.

Harry: Uh…

McGonagall: Didn't I tell you that?

Harry: No…

McGonagall: Oh.. well.. TOUGH SHIT!

Parvati: It's okay, Harry, you can do it!



*Hermione walks down steps*

Padma: I am so hot for Hermione right now.

Ron: Me too

Padma: TOTALLY!



Viktor Krum: Turbohiney, take my hand.

Hermione: It's Her-My-Oh-Knee. Hermione.

Krum: Come, Turbohiney, we dance.

*four champions and their partners get on the dance floor*

Parvati: Harry, grab my ass!

Harry: Oh yeah.

*music starts playing*

Parvati: Harry, you broke my toe!

Harry: Oh, sorry, I was too busy staring at Hermione's boobs.

*hard rock starts playing*

Band guy: If I dance tonight, take my hippogriffin tonight. Oh yeah, tonight.

Hogwarts girls: YEAH, OMG, YEAH, I WANT MY SPRINGER BEADS!

*Dance ends*

Parvati: Are you going to dance with me or not?

Harry: No…

Durmstrangle guy: May I take your hand?

Padma: Take my leg, head, elbow… ANYTHING.

Durmstrangle guy: *pulls out large knife*

Padma: I thought you wanted to dance!

Durmstrangle guy: No, I'm just hungry.



Ron: *mutters something about Hermione*

Harry: …

Hermione: I am so gonna kill you.

Ron: AHH, DON'T KILL ME!

Hermione: DIE!

Ron: YOUR BOOBS ARE NICE!

Hermione: Oh, okay then.

Fans: Is this turning into a porno?



Hermione: Harry, the task is in two days and you haven't even tried to work out the egg's clue?!

Harry: I forgot…

Hermione: Holy shit, you're gonna die… YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

Harry: Thanks, I can always count on you to make me feel better.



Cedric: Hey, Harry, go take a bath.

Harry: Are you implying that I smell bad?!

Cedric: Well, no, but now that you mention it… you haven't washed yourself in the books… ever…

Harry: Good point.

Cedric: Seventh floor, Prefect's bathroom, tickle the pear.

Harry: Got it.

Cedric: ...and take your egg.

Harry: …

Cedric: Just do it.



Harry: *gets to seventh floor, tickles the pear*

Pear: Teehee, you tickled me.

Door: *opens* creakyeakycreaky

Bath: *gurgles*

Myrtle: *Myrtles*

Harry: *uh... hurtles?*

Mermaid: *Mermaidles*

Harry: *turns on bubbles* Hey, Myrtle, go away.. you are so creepy.

Myrtle: Stick your egg under the water.

Harry: I um.. plan to.

Myrtle: No, the gold one

Harry: I think I said that *winks*

Myrtle: the dragon egg!

Harry: I don't mean to boast, but, hehehe.

Myrtle: Dude, the one that you stole from the dragon in the tournament.

Harry: Yeah, that's the one I was talking about…

Myrtle: Oh, I thought you were releasing your pent-up sexual desires on me.

Harry: *opens egg above water*

Cyndi Lauper: When the working day is done girls - they want to have fun oh girls just want to have fun

Myrtle: AHH, KILL ME AGAIN! Put it under the water!

Harry: *puts egg under water*

Egg: Oh, you may not think I'm pretty…

Harry: Agh, this happens too much with the talking props.

Egg: oh, right… Seek us where are voices do not suck, where we cannot drive a truck. We've taken something that you love, and I don't think that it's a glove.

Harry: … shit.



Hermione: So, you just have to breathe under water for about two hours.. So what, you can hold your breath.

Harry: Erm… no?

Ron: Maybe you could get a REALLY big straw..

Madeye: Ron, Hermione… go jump in the lake.

Hermione: But Harry…

Madeye: You leave Harry to me!

Ron: *whispers to Harry* If he hits on you, kick him in the nuts!

*Ron and Hermione Leave*

*Neville enters*

*Madeye leaves*

Harry: Wtf… Neville, do you know how to make me breath under water for two hours?

Neville: Just eat some okra.

Harry: That seems a bit too easy.

Neville: Well, you'll have to eat a LOT of okra…



Dumbledore: so yeah, you foos have do go find sumtin cool in the water and come out wit if first. First to come out alive doesn't suck. And off you go!

Harry: *shoves okra down his throat*

People: *laugh*

Harry: *dives into water*

Crowd: Haha! He's gonna die!

Harry: OH ME GEE, NO BREATHE.. Oh wait, I have fins, gills, and a.. TAIL.. Wait, I had that before… I can stay under here forever!

Neville: Oh my God.. I've murdered Harry Potter by accident.

Harry: *flips out of water into air* I'm the king of the world! And I don't even need a hippogriff this time! *dives into water*

Weeds: Haha, I tangle in you.

Water: Haha, I go in through your neck flaps

Mer-People: We are so incredibly ugly

Harry: *sees four people totally made out of wax attached to poles in the water.* Okay, why is Ron the thing I treasure most?

Merman: I dunno…

Cedric: I have a big head.. BIG HEAD!

Fleur: My bubble popped.. SHIT!

Krum: I am going to EAT YOU! Haha, just kidding, I cut rope with head and take Turboninja.

Harry: I want Ron and random blond Veela.

Merman: NO

Harry: I kill thee!

*takes Ron and Veela up to surface*

Dumbledore: Because Fleur sucks and Krum cut Hermione's foot off while saving her, Harry Potter gets second place for Moral Fiber!

Harry: Effing sweet.



Hermione: Harry, I'm scared for you… the third task is in an hour!

Harry: what is with you and always pointing out the obvious?

Hermione: *hugs Harry*

Rita Skeeter: aww, young love.

Fans: Uh.. wasn't this supposed to happen two tasks ago.

Greg: … no…



Dumbledore: Dude, the third task is a maze? What a freakin' rip! How is it harder to get through a maze than to kill a dragon?

*Madeye whispers something to Dumbledore*

Dumbledore: Oh, carnivorous bushes, right… Well, Harry and Cedric go first because they are from Hogwarts, and I am just good like that. Second goes Viktor Krum, and third goes Fleur Delacore, because she SUCKS!

*bushes start whispering obscenities*

Madeye: You get em, Tiger.

Harry: Yeah… *walks into maze to instantly be confronted by a mysteriously closing bush* … shit. *starts running*

Bushes: Come to us Harry, we love you, we want to help you, we want to KILL you.

Harry: I swear something just like this happened to me in my second year…

Bushes: WHOOSH!

Harry: OMG, BALLISTIC BUSHES!

Bushes: I EAT YOU!

Harry: Nuh uh, bitch, I eat you! *grabs out fork and salad dressing* I MAKE SALAD OF YOU!

Bushes: …Shit…

Other thing, not bushes: Come to me Harry, I will help you get the cup.

Harry: No, I will make salad of you too!

Other thing: I am made of mist, not vegetables.

Harry: Garden-fresh spritz!

Fleur: AHH, RAH RAH SNABBLE AHHH! *high pitched scream*

Harry: Oh no, Fleur screaming… I'll save you!

Krum: My eyes are glazed over, I am clearly possessed. I SHALL EAT YOU!

Harry: Oh no! Krum all ballistic, cannibalistic, crazyazy!

Cedric: *confundalates Krum* Oh, the dramarama.

Harry: Crazyazy

Cedric: Snabbleabble.

Harry: Okay, enough of that.

Cedric: Right.

*in the distance: the cup, omg the cup*

Harry: I fight you to it!

Cedric: GRR! *elbows Harry in left eyeball*

Vines: Haha, not if I trip you. *grabs Cedric*

Cedric: Harry, I know I was just trying to kill you, but SAVE ME!

Harry: Hmm… I dunno…

Vines: You don't want to save him, I want to eat him.

Harry: No, vines, I eat you like salad! *grabs out fork and salad dressing*

Vines: …Shit…

Cedric: Dammit, Harry, you eat salad like a mad man!

Harry: Well, how do you think I maintain this figure?

Cedric: Look, the cup!

Harry: We'll take it at the same time.

Cedric: Okay… one – two- THREE *both grab cup*

Cup: Haha, I'm a portkey… Bet you didn't see that one coming!

Harry: Hmm.. we're in a grave hard and my scar hurts… interesting.

Cedric: Wow… this is cool!

Wormtail: ABRAKADAMMIT!

Cedric: *dead*

Harry: In the words of Darth Vader, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”



Wormtail: Bone of father, taken from creepy graveyard, foot of servant taken willingly, blood of enemy taken unwillingly. *chops own foot* AHH.. AHHH! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS WOULD HURT SO BAD?! AHHH! *hobbles over to Harry, not crying anymore because chopped off appendages feel fine three seconds after choppage… everyone knows that*

Wormtail: *slice*

Harry: *sliced* Ouch man, so not cool.

Voldemort from inside rags: come here and plop me into the cauldron.

Wormtail: *plop*

Voldemort: *grows, deforms, and changes into a dude with no nose* OMG, I can do the moonwalk now!

Harry: ahh, scar burns, AHH!

Voldemort: fight me Harry, with all of my magically appearing death eaters around me!

Harry: ANTONIOBANDERAS!

Voldemort: ABRAKADAMMIT!

*wands meet, entities fly out of Voldemort's wand*
James Potter: Harry, go to the cup
Lily Potter: Yeah, do it
Frank: My grand slam was supposed to come with sausage.. Where the hell is my tea? Am I dead?
Cedric: take my back to my father… he invented pants

Harry: okay *discontinues cool spelly thing and runs to cup with the corpse of Cedric with him*

Portkey: Haha, poof I go, back to Hogwarts

Voldemort: Harry, do you get urges?!

Crowd: WHOO, THEY'RE BACK!

Dumbledore: Oh, superfluous penguins, this can't be good.

Harry: *sob* I am so effing bad at crying *sob* HE'S BACK!

Dumbledore: Who's back?!

Harry: VOLDEMORT!

Crowd: Oh shit…

Amos Diggory: MY SON! MY SON IS DEAD!

Fans: Is there any way possible to make that funny?

Greg: Nope... Really, I tried and it had more bad taste than this entire parody altogether.

Madeye: Harry, come with me.

Harry: Uh… no?

Madeye: Do it or I'll kill you.

Harry: Oh, okay.

*in Madeye's office*

Madeye: What did Voldemort smell like? Did you taste him, what did he taste like? I NEED TO KNOW!

Harry: Uh… like strawberries and garlic chicken… for both of your question.

Madeye's face: Gurgle gurgle

Madeye: Shit…

Dumbledore: *breaks into office* I so kill you.

Madeye/Barty Jr.: haha, Look, man, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Dumbledore: …

Barty Jr.: *lifts up sleeve to reveal mark*

Dumbledore: Oh, thank God.. Say, Harry… do you get urges?

Harry: …


THE END

 

[Blackmagik]

Harry Potter And The Sorc. Stome (or Phil. Stone)

HP Fans: *Warming up their criticism skills*…
Dumbledore: It’s much much better to start off a best selling septology in the dark…which is why I have this lighter…
McGonagall: Dumbledore might be cool but I bet he can’t do this…*Transform*
Dumbledore: You wish you had my mad skills Minerva…you’ve kicked less ass in like 100 years then Harry Potter has in a few months.
McGonagall: Hey where is that kid?
Dumbledore…
McGonagall…
Hagrid: I’ve got him! You know, in the half an hour it took me to fly here on this rather curious motorcycle, me and Harry have really bonded and no, I don’t feel any shame in crying about it.
Dumbledore: For someone so damn large you sure have a weak constitution…

Minerva: Wtf….Albus? This kid has got a jacked up forehead…
Dumbledore: Oh don’t worry about that, that lightning scar is just a plot symbol that the whole story is based around. Fair-the-well Harry! Hope you don’t mind living in hell for the bulk of your youth.

Harry: My life is full of misery; my parents died in a car crash, I live with the most abusive family in this stuck up neighborhood, my hair needs serious conditioning and the worst part is: I bet there is no loop hole in my past that will come to the surface and make my life worth living…*sigh*
Dudley: *Holds the record for being the most obese spoiled brat in the world.*

Vernon: Listen here buddy, not that there is anything peculiar about you, but if we take you to the zoo and you do something – generally speaking of course –… magical… were sending you straight home and locking you up without meals.
Harry:…um…okay…??

Dudley: Gah! Why won’t this snake move?!
Snake: Maybe because it thinks you’re a blubbering idiot…
Harry: Funny, I didn’t think snakes spoke human…do you do that a lot?
Snake: Wow kid, your probably stupider then the guy who put me in this cage.
Harry: So do you think that this is a sign that I might be cooler then everyone thinks?
Snake: I think it might be a sign that you’re a freak, but you won’t get into that till your second year at-…never mind.

Harry: Huh. I seemed to have made the glass disappear with my mind…that’s not too unordinary…right?
Petunia: OMGHOWDIDTHATHAPPEN?!?!?! (Oh wait…I know EXACTLY how it happened but I’m too ashamed to admit it so I’ll just freak out to cover it up…)
Snake: See ya suckers!
Vernon: Didn’t we go over this magic thing before we came?!?! Back to the cupboard with you boy!

Harry: *Checks Mail* hmm…bills…coupons…Hogwarts Letter...magazine subscription...wait a sec…Hog-what-now?
Vernon/Petunia: Oh shit…here we go…
Harry: Anyone care to explain why someone with a hog is writing to me in green calligraphy?
Vernon: It’s probably just the cable company…
Harry: oh, does this mean were getting MTV?

Letters: *multiply*
Harry: The cable company sure does like me…
Vernon: Okay time to act drastically on impulse, lets move to an isolated island in the middle of the ocean!


Harry: Maybe if I just get through this miserable abusive life I’ll be reincarnated as a famous powerful wizard…
Hagrid: HI THERE!
Harry: That was easy…
Hagrid: How would you like me to take you on a glorious adventure where you’ll learn to do crazy magic stuff and battle dark wizards?
Harry: Is this the pivotal part in the story where my horrible life all of a sudden gets better?
Hagrid: No. Not Really, it seems great now but your life pretty much just gets worse after this.
Harry: I’ll take my chances.

Hagrid: This is Professor Quirrel Harry; he’ll be attempting to murder you at least three times this year. And here’s a butt load of other people who think you’re a saint.
Harry: Why do so many people like me?
Hagrid: Shh! I need concentration to move these bricks.

Hagrid: lets get some money…and some elixir of life…I mean *cough* just money.
Harry: What’s that?
Hagrid: What’s what?
Harry: That!
Hagrid: What?
Harry: That bag!
Hagrid: What bag?
Harry: Hagrid! That small bag that looks like it would fit a small stone-
Hagrid: Is this your first time in a Novel or do you really not understand the concept of subtle foreshadowing?

Olivander: J.K Rowling really doesn’t explain to much about my character, so I’m determined to add my two cents to the story…here take the wand that’s brother killed your parents and a hundred other innocent people, that ought to add some irony.
Harry:…thanks?

Harry: Oh um. Hagrid? Tell me again why everyone loves me?
Hagrid: Long story short; Voldemort killed your parents and couldn’t kill you. Who the hell knows where he is now, but don’t worry, your sure to meet him at the climax.

Hagrid: So all you have to do is get on a platform that technically doesn’t exist and take a mystical train to a rather unknown destination. K bye!
Harry: Um.

Fred: I’m George!
George: I’m Fred!
Mrs. Weasley: Running through solid barriers is fun and easy, you’ll need to get used to this dimension stuff because your life is going to be loaded with it.

Ron: I need a famous best friend who will be loyal to me but sometimes make me insanely jealous…oh look theres a contender!
Harry: Hi! Wana see where I was almost murdered?
Ron: Heck yes I do.
Hermione: I know I’m a snot but you guys are going to need me in your club to make up for your incredibly low IQ’s.
Ron: No way! Boys only!

Ron: Hey where’s the giant squid?
JKR: Yeah…I’d like to know that myself…
Chris Columbus: It’s dead, along with peeves and a whole load of other things that weren’t cool enough to keep in the films.

Malfoy: Hello Harry, I’m your arch nemesis but hey would you like to be my friend?
Harry: Uh…I don’t hang out with bleached blondes.
Malfoy: Fine. I’ll just befriend some huge kids so I can appear tough when I’m actually a cry baby..

McGonagall: Everyone ready to experience the most important and nerve racking aspect of coming to this school? There are four houses, if you’re cool you’ll be in Gryffindor, if you’re smart you’ll be in Ravenclaw, if you’re a little bitch you’ll be in Slytherin, and if no one cares about you you’ll be in Hufflepuff.

Hermione: Wait…I’m smarter then anyone here, shouldn’t I be in Ravenclaw?
McGonagall: Oh sorry, I meant to say; you’ll be in Ravenclaw if you’re smart and NOT a member of the main Trio.

Hat: My turn to add irony! Hmm…Harry, you might be successful in the house where your attempted murderer reigned.
Harry: Wtf?
Hat: Oh whatever, just be in Gryffindor.

Dumbledore: You and I need to have a bond of trust Harry…Until the 5th book where I
F’ up your life, that is.

Nearly Headless Nick: Despite my dangling severed head, I’d like to be treated with respect.

Ron: Good thing McGonagall isn’t here!
McGonagall: Burn.

Snape: I’m probably the most mysteriously bitter person at this school. Being as it’s the first day, I need to pick someone who I can cause eminent pain and suffering to for the next seven years…hm...Mr. Potter! Let it be known from here on out that I hate you and anyone who graces your presence.
Hermione: Is everyone clear that I know EVERYTHING?

Ron: Mails here.
Harry: I’ve just recently been introduced to the joys of mail, isn’t it great?
Ron: Not this time, according to this; the plotline is well under way.
Harry: Vault 713…I know those numbers…maybe they were the last lotto numbers?
Hermione: I can see I’m going to have my work cut out for me…
Harry: Oh wait! That was that place in that building where that guy got that bag and told me not to tell anyone about whatever was in it….Now it all makes sense.

Madam Hooch: No, I’m not part Hawk.
Harry: Yes! I’ve finally found something I don’t suck at!
Hermione: There is something wrong with this broom…ehum…
Neville: Waiting for something ridiculous and painful to happen to me…oh here it comes...help!

Malfoy: Being the stuck up little snot that I am, I think I’ll lure Potter into expulsion.
McGonagall: Oh wait I’m not going to expel you! I’m going to offer you a position as youngest seeker in a century!!!!
Malfoy:…oops…

Fred: Quidditch is lethal.
George: We’ll be lucky if we keep all our limbs.
Harry: Loss of limbs? That wasn’t in the job description…Oh wait my dad did it so I guess I’ll risk my life for it too.

Harry: Looks like it’s time for suspense…
Hermione: Looks like it’s time to show off…
Ron: How is that different from any other time in your life?
Harry: Okay, We obviously have to go through this ominous door to avoid being caught by Filch. Oops guess we can’t.
Hermione: Will have to force our way in if we want to advance the plot.

Ron: Remind me why we wanted to come in here again? Is it because we wanted to be eaten? Because quite frankly, I like living.
Hermione: Don’t you understand? JKR gives you clues along the story that help us to solve the overall mystery.
JKR: *Beams with pride*
Ron: I understand the concept, but it’s YOUR job to rationalize and MY job to flip out and provide comedic relief for the audience, get with the program Hermione.

Flitwick: You may know me from my daybew in Wizard of Oz; I was a member of the Lolly Pop Guild.
Ron: It’s-so-hard-to-lift-this-feather-*gasp*
Hermione: Here let me help you! (Translation: Here let me rub it in your face that you’re bad at charms)

Ron: Hermione is the most insensitive spastic little know-it-all I have ever had the misfortune to meet….I think I love her.
Hermione: *Sob* I’ve just realized I’m a insensitive spastic little know-it-all…How will I ever attain more people skills? *Sob*

Quirrel: *Causes a terrifying diversion*
Kids: *Panic*
Dumbledore: Don’t worry kids, this is just a tool the author is using to bring the three main kids into a friendship bond.
Ron: Utto…do you think maybe Hermione is emotionally unstable right now? As much as it may appear that I don’t have a conscious…I…kina do.
Harry: I’m up for some life saving.

Troll: I’m ugly, fat, and illiterate…but at least I have this kick ass club that I can hit things with!
Hermione: If anyone saves me I promise I’ll take the blame for their misdoings.
Ron: To increase the “aww” factor I’m going to use the very spell that Hermione “helped” me with.
Harry: This is certainly gross…who wants troll bogeys all over their magic wand?
American Viewers: Bogeys? What kind of word is that?

McGonagall: Five points from you Miss Granger, but ten points to Weasley and Potter…if you can’t do the math…that’s five points.
Harry: Five points, a new best friend AND a foreshadowing gash on Snape’s leg? It’s like Christmas came early…

Harry: I know your desperate to solve the mystery Hermione but I’ve beat you to it.
Snape is trying to steal that thing from vault 713 and that’s what that dog from hell was guarding.
Hermione: How did you all of a sudden get smart?
JKR: Don’t worry Hermione, He’s way off.

Harry: My first Quidditch match…My conscious would normally tell me that nothing unordinary is going to happen, but judging by events in the last week or so, we should probably see at least one major plot point in this game.
Harry: *Dangles dangerously from broom*…and there it is.
Ron: Let’s blame everything on Snape because he doesn’t wash his hair.
Hermione: That’s as good a reason as any.

Harry: Yes! I won AND I didn’t choke to death! Life is swell!

Harry: Hagrid, Snape is trying to kill me.
Hagrid: Don’t be silly, Snape came back from the dark side ages ago.
Harry: Hagrid, Snape is trying to steal that thing you told me not to mention.
Hagrid: Don’t be silly it’s guarded by one of my very loveable pets.
Ron: You and I have a very different Idea of what is loveable.
Hagrid: Nicholas Flamel!
Hermione: Who?!
Hagrid: Woopsie Dasies…look can you kids go be interrogative somewhere else?

Ron: It’s important for you to know that I’m really good at chess because it’s actually relevant to the plot.
Hermione: Merry Christmas, oh by the way you’ll need to spend your vacation looking up information in the library.

Harry: A mysterious invisible cloak from a mysteriously anonymous person…I’m not that surprised, you?
Ron: Not really, but hey I bet that’ll be useful in the future books.

Harry: This book looks interesting…
Book: Help! I’ve been sitting on this same shelf since the 17th century!
Harry: Ugh book! Don’t you understand sneaking around? It involves not screaming at the top of your lungs.

Quirrel: What do you mean I stutter too much Severus?
Severus: You know exactly what I mean Quirrel, muahahaha…

Harry: Last time I went through a mysterious door there was a three-headed dog on the other side, maybe this time there’ll be a magical mirror that shows my deepest desire...*Opens Door*…Well whadoyaknow…
Lilly and James: Don’t take us seriously, were illusions and were not coming back.

Harry: Ron! Ron! Want to see the people who made me?!
Ron: No, but I would like to see myself ten times awsomer then I already am.

Dumbledore: Now that you know how this mirror works I’m going to move it to a place where it will ultimately serve its purpose in the climax of the film.

Hermione: All that looking and the information we needed was right under my nose in this colossal book!
Ron: Are you done being snobbish? Because I honestly think our chemistry would work better if-
Hermione: Would you shut up? Listen it says in this book that Nicholas Flammel made the sorcerers stone and what-do-ya-know that’s the title of this movie.
Harry: So….what…your…saying…is that…that dog…is…guarding the….Sorcerer’s… Stone?
Hermione: Yes Damnit!!! Do I have to hit you over the head with this book?! God...you two had better attain more brain cells or I think I might die of frustration.

Ron: We need to go ask Hagrid more prying questions. Oh look we’re just in time to catch him hatching something dreadfully illegal!
Hagrid: He’s not “Illegal” he’s Norbert.
Harry: Shit Hagrid, why do you do this to yourself, before we know it you’ll be bringing Giants home and keeping them in the forest.
Hagrid: Giants? Now that’s just crazy….
*Silence*

McGonagall: Double Burn.
Harry: Darn, why didn’t we use that handy dandy invisibility cloak?
Hermione: Because you’re STUPID Harry, admitting it now will save you pain later.

McGonagall: Alright, 150 points from Gryffindor and detentions for all four of you.
Malfoy: Um…I’m no mathematician, but I think I heard you say FOUR detentions.
McGonagall: Yes…You had to be out of bed to catch those who were out of bed, out of bed.
Malfoy: My brilliant plan is foiled yet again by logic…

Filch: Am I scaring you yet?
Harry: No.
Filch: I’m going to hang you up by the ankles in my office!- How about now?
Harry: No.
Filch: You’re going into the forest where terror reigns supreme and lives off young souls- are you scared NOW?
Harry:…No.

Hagrid: Why oh why did they have to take Norbert?
Filch: Can you tell that Hagrid and I aren’t buddies?
Malfoy: See, without my cronies I’m probably the wimpiest kid on the block.

Hagrid: Someone in this forest is murdering Unicorns and sucking their blood, it’s dark and scary and, to increase the cliché, we’re going to split up.

Malfoy: This is so Blair Witch…
Harry: Hey look! A hooded figure! Let’s go say hello.
Malfoy: AHHHH!!!
Harry: What?
HPFans: How come Voldemort/Quirrel can fly???
Firenze: I’m here to save the day, but don’t tell my friends because they’ll banish me.
Harry: What was that hooded thing.
Firenze: look at me…I’m harrier then Hagrid!
Harry: yeah but the hooded thing…what was it?
Firenze: Oh um…I dunno probably the dark lord or something.
Harry: oh him…

Harry: It’s just occurred to me how much murder is going to be a theme in these books.
JKR: Wow…caught on quicker then I expected didn’t he?
Ron: *gulp* As usual I find any kind of mortal peril terrifying.
Hermione: Wait it’s time for my comforting speech about how wonderful Dumbledore is.

Harry: Hang on…we may have overlooked this whole “won a dragon in a pub thing.”
Hagrid: *Pipes merrily*
Harry: Um Hagrid who exactly gave you that egg?
Hagrid: Um…I dunno…a hooded figure.
Harry: You’ve gotta be shitting me.
Hagrid: No…why?
Harry: Well let’s face it Hagrid, you probably have the biggest mouth at Hogwarts.
Ron: Literally…
Harry: So what kind of important secret stuff did you tell the stranger?
Hagrid: Hm. Now that I think about it I pretty much told him just about everything you need to know to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone…Life’s a bitch…
Hermione: …and then you die.

Harry: Professor McGonagall! We’ve just completely solved the mystery and we need your help to move into the Rising Action.
McGonagall: Sorry I can’t help you with that one…and neither can Dumbledore because he’s conveniently absent.
Harry: Darn, why do I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders when I’m only eleven? Oh well…time to take matters into our own hands…
Ron: What else is new?

Neville: I’m here to serve as a blocker to the ultimate goal of the plot.
Hermione: I don’t think so…
Neville: *Is stiff as a board…and a weird shade of blue*

Hermione: The dog is kina cute when it’s unconscious…

Ron: Thank goodness for this shrub…I mean- AHH!!! OMGIT’SCHOKINGMETODEATH!!!!
Hermione: Don’t worry Ron, unlike you, I perform well under pressure.

Harry: Hey! Killer keys…and brooms to catch them…sweet.
Ron: If they really wanted to keep the stone safe, then why are there so many loop holes to getting past these obstacles?
Hermione: Ron if you want to reach the climax I suggest you shut it.

Ron: A chess board! A giant chess board! A giant wizard chess board! I must be in heaven…
Harry: It sure is convenient that all of these challenges utilize each of our individual talents, do you think its symbolism to show that were stronger together then apart?
Ron: Yeah whatever let’s play already!

Ron: This is the part where I quit being whiny and start being valiant- it doesn’t last long but what’re you gonna do right?

Ron: I’m in a sacrificial mood, I guess I will allow that murderous Queen to terminate me. You’d do the same for me right Harry?
Harry: Uh…

Hermione: I know I’ve been a bitch to you and Ron, and I’ll just admit it, I enjoyed it. But hey you’re a great friend so I hope you don’t die in the next scene.

Harry: Quirrel?!
Quirrel: Yes. It was I who tried to kill you at the quidditch match. I who drank the Unicorn blood, I who gave Hagrid the dragon in the pub. Oh and the stutters….I don’t stutter.
Harry: So where’s Voldemort?
Quirrel: Attached to the back of my head…wana see?
Harry: Heck yes I do.

Voldemort: Ah Harry we meet at last.
Harry: Haven’t we already met?
Voldemort: Well yeah but not officially
Harry: Oh ok I’m with you, go on.
Voldemort: Where is the stone?
Harry: Wouldn’t we all like to know.
Voldemort: Don’t play games with me kid. Tell me where the stone is or I’ll yell some more.
Harry: I seriously don’t have a clue where- *Sees self in mirror, feels stone in pocket*
Voldemort: Liar liar pants on…nevermind. Just grab him.

Harry: Huh…how strange…wherever I touch Quirrel he seems to crumble. This newfound talent is certainly more then useful.
Quirrel: Maybe I should have rethought this whole possession thing.
Voldemort: Time to hibernate until the memory of my past self comes back next year in a diary!

Dumbledore: Well Harry, Nicholas and I had a little chat and he decided that eternal life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Harry: So were rid of Voldemort now right?
JKR: LOL!!! Good one Harry!!!! Hahahahahhahaha…rid of Voldemort…lol….
Dumbledore: No Harry…unfortunately, if Voldemort ended here the series would have no where to go.
Harry: Hm. So care explaining why I could kill Quirrel?
Dumbledore: This is just a taster but it had a lot to do with your mom and love.

Dumbledore: Well it certainly appears that Slytherin has won the house cup, but I like Gryffindor better so I’m going to bend the rules a little and play favorites.

Hagrid: Well I heard how you liked that crazy mirror so much so I made you a photo album so that you don’t have to stare at it anymore!
Harry: Uh…thanks!

Ron: I don’t think this ending could get mushier.
Harry: I’m not going home…not really.
Ron: I stand corrected.

 

[Blackmagik]

Chamber of Secrets

Harry: My voice has dropped…maybe everyone will take my acting seriously now!...nah…
Uncle Vernon: *Signing a petition for the extermination of Owls*

Dobby: I have to tell you something SOOOOOO important- but I can’t tell you- But I HAVE to tell you- But I CANT tell you!….What the hell should I do?!?!.... Oh I know! I’ll keep you in excruciating pain for the entire movie...ya…
Harry: Um…shouldn’t the British Post Office have arrested your elfish ass by now?
Dobby:..
Harry: Give me my letters!!!
Dobby: Not unless you give me 50 pairs of miss-matched socks!

Mrs. Mason: Did I mention that I have an allergic reaction to pudding? Oh- and House Elves that levitate it.

Vernon: I take pleasure in pain.
Harry: So does Dobby…but let’s not get into THAT right now...
Vernon: I will now lock you in your room for the rest of eternity and rub it in your face that you don’t have a life.
Harry: Wow. There is absolutely no way out of this. Um Jo? This is where you bring out the unexpected but highly imaginative loop hole.
JKR: Calm down it’s coming…

Ron: Were here to bust you out of this sticky plot conflict with the most convenient resolution you’ve ever seen!
Harry: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?!
Ron: Um….no.
Vernon: Ahh! My torture victim is escaping!- thank goodness for this cushiony shrub…I mean otherwise I could have never fallen out of the second story without AT LEAST a minor injury…

Harry: Whoa cool House Ron!
Harry: Whoa cool self cleaning frying pan Ron!
Harry: Whoa cool self knitting tools Ron!
Harry: Whoa cool clock R-
Ron: Dude, Stop.

Mrs. Weasley: These contrasting angry/nice voices are so comical! But not nearly as comical as my outfit.

Mr. Weasley: So Rubber ducks...functional Yes or No?
Harry:...

Ron: K so now that the (so obviously anamatronic) owl has crashed into the window…where’s the real one?

Mrs. Weasley:
‘Traveling By Floo Powder for Dummies’:
1. Take this dust
2. Climb into the fireplace
3. Shout your desired destination (With correct stress on the syllables)
4. And sit back and relax as you are engulfed by gigantic emerald flames and ashes that will take you to your specified location in mere seconds.
Harry: Seems simple enough.

Harry: Um. Where in the flip am I? Ooooo! A rotting hand!
Hand: I’m soooo not alive…*Wink Wink*
Audience: OMG-WTF-I-NEVER-SAW-THAT-COMING!!!
Harry: Oh come on that was the most predictable thing so far…
HPFans: Not really Harry, it wasn’t in the book…

Harry: Um…Hagrid? Explain your presence in this dark arts shopping center…
Hagrid: Okay, some foreshadowing is put in to screw with your mind and lead you to the completely wrong conclusion! And this is one of those times….honest!

Hermione: Come with me to meet the dreamiest guy in the whole entire wizarding community.
Ron: *Looks Up Hopefully*
Hermione: *Beams at Lockhart*
Ron: *Droops*

Harry: Um I don’t take pictures with anyone without my lawyer and my agent’s approval.

Lockhart: I didn’t do any of the amazing things you all think I did! But aren’t I gorgeous?!

Malfoy: My dad hates you all!
Lucious: I hate you all!
Harry: You can’t intimidate me…not even if you insult my friends without moving your lips!

Lucious: You’re SO poor! But that’s not good enough for me, I want you to be poor AND possessed by the Dark Lord!
Ginny: *Clueless*
Lucious: Tootles! Have a blast with that secret, subtly placed diary! Tee hehehe…
Ginny: *Still Clueless*

Harry: The wall is totally solid…how unlike it.
Ron: *Weighs Options* Do something sensible….act on impulse and provide a thrilling scene for the audience…hmm…tough choice…

Ron: You know if we hadn’t taken the car then we never would have been able to test out this invisibility booster!
Harry: Okay Jo…you’ve really over done the invisibility stuff-
JKR: Shh…no I haven’t!

Ron: Trains Suck.
Harry: Hanging for dear life over trains sucks.

Whomping Willow: Moving things REALLY make me uncomfortable… but I’m seeing a psychiatrist about it and after my last three appointments… I really feel like I’m improving- AHHHH!!!! FLYING CAR!!!! AHHH!! DIE!!! DIE!!!

Ron: YES! Squeaky Voice time!

Car: After that excitement all I want to do is go hide in the forbidden forest until you guys need me to save your lives from oh…say…a flock of giant flesh eating spiders.

Snape: I hate you Harry because you’re cooler than me. I hate you Ron because you’re a natural red-head AND your dumb car ruined my favorite tree!
Dumbledore: Chill out Severus. If we expel Harry now then I won’t be able to tell him incredibly important things about his destiny, and what fun would it be if he never found out that he is either going to die at the hands of, or murder- woops….wrong place wrong time. Just wait a few books Harry…

Howler: I’m here to embarrass you to the max and finish by spontaneously combusting, any questions?
Ron: *Shocked silence*

Professor Sprout: Mandrakes are crazy and could technically kill you with their terrible high screechy voices.
Class: Yay! Dirt Babies!
Lawyers in the Audience: Um…do the makers of Cabbage Patch Kids know about this?

Lockhart: I had this fancy stair case made special to match my outfit…you like?
Hermione and Other Girls: *Sigh*
Lockhart: But Defense against the Darks Arts isn’t just about glamour- there is serious stuff too…like Cornish Pixies! Too bad I don’t know too much about those. But hey the best way to learn is by setting them free on my class.

Malfoy: I hate your family and how they are completely un-magical, (For lack of a better word)
Ron: If I weren’t repeatedly regurgitating slugs; I would soo sue the Scotch tape company.
Hermione: I will need complete silence from the crew and the audience as I attempt my first on-screen cry.

Lockhart: Fan blah mail blah I’m blah so blah great blah.
Harry: Is it just me or has the lighting and music gotten darker and more mysterious? It gives me such a foreboding feeling that something majorly weird is about to happen.
Voice: Gah! You are too damn smart for me Harry! You saw me coming a mile away! But that doesn’t change the fact that I want to rip, tear and kill all the mud bloods in this castle.
Harry: You know what’s hilarious?
Voice: What?
Harry: This one time I was at the zoo and this snake was like totally talking to me… Random shit like this ALWAYS happens to me…
Voice: You were never good at connecting the dots were you?

Harry: Scary-*gasp*-phantom-*gasp*-voice!
Hermione: I knew it!
Ron: WTF?

Ron: Don’t we have a plumber?

Filch: In times of grief, people often turn and blame people against their better judgment- POTTER!!! YOU WERE THE CLOSEST TO MY CAT WHEN I FIRST REALIZED SHE’D SNUFFED IT! SO NOW I WILL KILL YOU WITHOUT ANY RATIONALIZATION IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL!
Harry: With what…Your WAND? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha FILCH IS SQUIB!!!

Dumbledore: The cats not dead she’s just been petrified. We have a couple of options here… we could try and figure out what could have LOGICALLY petrified Mrs. Norris, or we can have a huge ass discussion that singles Harry out and eventually gets us no where.
Snape: hmm…Lets go for the latter.
Ron/Hermione/Harry: *Stop dead in tracks*

Dumbledore: Didjya do it?
Harry: No.
Snape: Then why were you down there?
Harry: Um, because…I…wasn’t ….hungry?
Dumbledore: I actually know you’re innocent because I am super good at Legilimency and I read your mind, but since you’re not supposed to know that yet, I’m just going to make it out like I’m a highly trusting person.

McGonagall: I’m absolutely positive that there is NO Chamber of Secrets...But if there WERE a chamber of secrets… then supposedly the heir of Slytherin could crash there and hang with a monster…But there is NO Chamber of Secrets
Hermione: *Raises hand*- But professor…The TITLE of this movie is CHAMBER OF SECRETS…
McGonagall:*Blinks*…um…Back to transfiguration-

Hermione: I realllly dislike Malfoy so let’s get dirt on him.
Ron: Awesome…how though?
Hermione: by concocting an extremely dangerous potion and drinking it to transform into his idiot friends of course!

Dobby: Bludgers are pretty lethal as it is, but this one is gona be CRAZY DEADLY.

Harry: Um… fowl?
Lockhart: Minus Bonemus, Rubberus Armicus!.......shit….

Dobby: I’m sorry! But If you weren’t gona take my warning and avoid death you must have known that I would kill you anyway right?

Voice: Ew, Sewer pipes suck, but squeaky mudblood photographers are yummy!
Colin: Can I have a picture Harry?...you’re not Harry….

Hermione: Double…Double…toil and trouble…
Ron: Will this taste like butterbeer?
Hermione….No.
Myrtle: I’m so miserable. Life sucks.
Ron: Good thing yours is over huh?
Myrtle: *Moans*
Harry: You think YOU’RE miserable?! I’m accused of petrifying Mudbloods when my own flipping mother was one herself, I keep hearing this whacked out voice say how much it wants to kill and tear and whatever, I can’t get over the fact that the sorting hat nearly put me in Slytherin and the worst part is, I bet none of this stuff is related in any way to the Chamber of Secrets.
Myrtle: I think I’m in love you.
Harry: Just what I need.

Lockhart: Let’s keep this civilized!
Malfoy: I will now conjure a snake that serves a dual plot purpose:
1. To increase the feeling of panic and mistrust among my fellow students when they
find out that potter is a parslemouth.
2. To really piss Potter off and make him feel even more insecure.

Hermione: We really like you Harry…
Ron: *Nods*
Hermione: But we just think that you’re kind of a freak, and for all we know…a descendant of the darkest wizard of all time.

Nearly Headless Nick and Justin: *Are immobile*
Voice/basilisk: Framing Harry is easy and fun; all you have to do is petrify the victims and his idiotic tendencies will do the rest.
Harry: I’m caught in the act for something that isn’t my fault, and no one will listen to the truth…..The Story of My Life.
McGonagall: I can’t handle this irony, so go talk to Dumbledore who deals with this kind of shit all the time.

Fawkes: FIRE!!!!!
Harry: I’m used to this kind of crap happening by now…
Fawkes: You’d better be, because were going to be seeing a lot of each other from now on.

Dumbledore: His tears can heal poisonous snake wounds, and he can also fly you out of slimy pipes. He’s ugly now, but when he saves you he’ll be pretty.
Harry: Huh? Sorry I didn’t hear you…I was just thinking about how terrible my life is.
Dumbledore: Never mind, some climaxes work better when the protagonist is surprised anyway…

Ron: I’m Crabbe!
Harry: I’m Goyle!
Hermione: Meow- I mean- I’m not going…

Malfoy: It’s funny, how you look like my friends but sound like my enemies.
Harry: No, you know what’s funny….Um… The heir of Slytherin!!!! By the way..are you???
Malfoy: Not so much, but whoever they are I hope they kill Hermione.
Ron: I hate you!!!! I mean….Just kidding…

Harry: Hermione…your so much furrier then the last time I saw you…
Ron: It’s…kina…cool….
Hermione: *Moan* *Sob* *Cry*

Harry: What’s wrong Myrtle?!?!?
Myrtle: Someone thought it was hilarious to throw a foreshadowing tool at me!
Harry: I want that!!!

Diary: Indulge in my misleading pages and I will show you how one of your best friends killed a mudblood!
Harry: Revisiting memories that drastically change the plot line will always be one of my favorite hobbies.

Diary: *Mislead Mislead Mislead*
Harry: It’s weird how I will put my trust in someone I have never met, in a diary fifty years old. Oh well….better go break the news to Ron and Hermione that Hagrid is a killer…

Hermione: I’ve just figured out the entire mystery, because let’s face it, I’m the smartest of the three, but due to dramatic irony I have been petrified leaving Harry and Ron up to the resolution of the plot…good luck with that guys…
Harry: She’s right, we ARE stupid.
Ron: Soo….what should we do?
Harry: Yell at Hagrid.

Fudge: The game is up Hagrid.
Dumbledore: I see London, I see France…I see Harry and Ron under an invisibility cloak!
Ron: K he’s good at being deep and wise and all, but rhyming isn’t exactly his forte’.
Hagrid: Follow the spiders! I’m pretty sure that they won’t eat you, but don’t hold me to that.

Ron: I’m not following any flipping spiders!
Harry: Come on, these are the steps we need to take to achieve our ultimate goal in the story.
Ron: Shouldn’t our ultimate goal be surviving?
JKR: What are you new?
Ron: Why couldn’t it have been follow the-
Harry: -If you finish that line I swear I’ll smack you.


Aragog: Hagrid didn’t do it. And I’m not the monster. I can’t tell you what the monsters name is because that’s Hermiones job. I will now allow my spidery friends to eat you, hence, completely defeating the purpose of your arrival and this conversation.
Harry: Um.
Ron: *Whimper*
Car: *Cough* HERE I AM IN THE NICK OF TIME!!!!
Harry: Huh?
Car: *Cough* get in *Cough*
Harry: OOOHHH I gotchya.
Car: God you’re slow.

Car/Harry/Ron/Fang: *Ride to safety*
Car: Well this has been fun, but I’m way too scratched up to be re-domesticated.
Harry: Wait! Will we ever see you again???
JKR: Who knows….

Harry: Hermione…Why o why did it have to be you- BASILISK!!!!!
Ron: What’s that?!!!
Harry: I DUNNO! OH wait it says here that…’everything that’s happened in the story points to it being the monster.’
Ron: cool...I think…
Harry: hey! It wasn’t just random shit! It all made perfect sense, the voice, the spiders, the roosters dying-
Ron: Nah, you have to watch deleted scenes to know about the roosters-
Harry: -the fact that everyones been petrified! It all comes down to one thing! Basilisk Basilisk Basilisk!
Ron: Yeah except we still don’t know who the heir of Slytherin is…
Harry: Well DUH! We haven’t reached the climax yet!

McGonagall: Ginny’s been captured! Dumbledore’s gone! And I’m the worst Headmistress EVER! I don’t have a clue what’s going on so I guess we’ll just pretend things are dandy.
Ron: I feel slightly reckless.
Lockhart: So do I!! Except I feel fake recklessness, so I’m just going to put on a show like I’m a hero and hitch hike out of here.
Harry: Stupid adults like you are what have driven me to be so emotional.
Lockhart: …Can I leave now?

Myrtle: Harry you complete me!

Harry: Um….(Parslemouth): Open?
Chamber: *Opens*
Harry: wow. Lax security…Well I think we all know where this leads, but just in case were totally wrong; lets make the guy we all hate go first.

Lockhart: Not that I don’t love slimy tunnels, but were not staying and your not gona remember I said this. Obliviate!
Tunnel: *Explodes*
Lockhart: um?
Ron: I LOVE scotch tape! I can’t believe I ever doubted it.

Harry: Uh…I like attention so I’m thinking I’m gona battle this basilisk thing on my own aright?
Ron: Okay! Whatever! Just don’t blame me for not helping when I’m a prefect and you’re a nothing-shit…

Harry: If I weren’t scared to death I would really appreciate this stone-work.
Ginny: *lifeless*
Harry: I can’t come back without you!!!
Harry/Ginny Shippers: *On edges of their seats*

Tom: Hi Harry…
Harry: Well hey Tom! Fancy meeting you here in the chamber of secrets…Wana help me save Ginny?
Tom: I wasn’t sure before, but now I have no doubt that you really are a moron.
Harry: What? You’re not good and cool like I thought?

Tom: Today Harry, I am going to introduce you to The Anagram...
JKR: Pay attention kids!
Tom: TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE = I AM LORD VOLDEMORT.
Harry: Wait! back up... back. up. You’re Voldemort….
Tom: Yes.
Harry: AND you’re Tom Riddle...
Tom: Yes.
Harry: Both?
Tom: Yes.
Harry: ……..*GASP* NO!
Tom: Yes.
Harry: ok well, go on.
Tom: I controlled Ginny, with the diary. Ginny petrified some kids with the basilisk and then you got the diary and here we are. Now my snake will kill you.

Fawkes: Here’s a hat and a sword. Have fun.
Harry: C’mon you have to give me more then that!
Fawkes: *Blinds Basilisk*
Harry: Okay…I guess I can take it from here.
Basilisk: I new I should have dumped Tom ages ago…all he ever did was get me in trouble.

Harry: How many people can say they’ve climbed all over Salazar Slytherins Face?
Sword: *Clang* *Clash* *Swish*
Audience: Does anyone else find it strange that the basilisk died from a wound in its mouth?

Harry: There’s a fang in my arm!
Tom: Well that was easy enough. See you on the Dark Side of The Moon Harry…
Harry: Hm…what shall I do with this fang…plunge it into Riddles Diary Perhaps?
Tom: Maybe he’s not so dumb…
Ginny: Harry! I-It-Tom-wa-
Harry: It’s okay, I won’t be able to tell anyone you attacked muggle-borns because I’m Dying!
Fawkes: I will need complete silence from the crew and the audience as I attempt my first on-screen cry…

Harry: Whoa. Thanks dude.
Fawkes: Thank me at the end of the seventh book. By then I will have probably saved your butt like a bajillion times.

Ron: Yay! My sisters back and I never had to risk my life!
Harry: Yay! I’m back with Ginny so now everyone will love me again!
Lockhart: Yay!...Who am I?

Dumbledore: Congratulations!!! You just broke about 1000 rules and technically I could kick you out!!!
Ron/Harry: We owe it all to Lockhart…
Dumbledore…right…

Harry: Since I killed riddle with the fang and the diary…doesn’t that make Voldemort dead since they’re the same person?
Dumbledore: No. Not Really.
Harry: That makes no sense…also, why did the hat want me in slytherin? Why can I talk to snakes?
Dumbledore: Jo?… He’s asking me too many questions again…
JKR: Just make up some BS about choices...I dunno…
Dumbledore: Harry it’s not our actions it’s our choices that count in life…
Harry: Yeah, but why are me and Voldemort all connected and junk, why did he even wana kill me in the first place?
Dumbledore: Um…-
Malfoy: Dumbledore your back!
Dumbledore: Wow your timing was dead on! Coincidently, have you ever seen this diary before?
Malfoy: Pscht NO!
Dobby: He’s lying!-OW-He-OW-Did-OW-it!

Harry: I don’t like you.
Malfoy: Well I don’t like you.
Harry: Well FINE! It’s mutual!...by the way this belongs to you.
Malfoy: *gives journal to Dobby*
Dobby: Because of this moment, I will here-out and forever be obsessed with socks. Thank you Harry Potter!
Harry: Whatever just keep the hell away from me.

Hermione: I’m conscious, so that means Harry and Ron didn’t mess things up too bad.
Harry: Were such good detectives Hermione! We only needed clues from you…Hagrid…The Diary…Myrtle…well…I guess a lot of people, But were still cool right?
Hermione: Well you are Harry and that’s why you get a hug. But Ron didn’t do jack-squat except complain, so he gets a pity handshake.

Dumbledore: The Basilisk is dead! And Voldemort is…well not dead, but not bugging us either! So everyone stand up and clap for Hagrid!
Audience: Wait...how did Hagrid help? Didn’t he kina send the kids into the spider’s lair where they were almost eaten?
Dumbledore: Who cares?!! We need someone to clap for!
Hagrid: Darn right you do!

 

[Blackmagik]

Prisoner of Azkaban

Note: Spoof is based on a Movie based on J.K. Rowlings fabulous book (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) Please understand that I am a Harry Potter Fanatic and I absolutely loved this film, so this is all in good fun...Enjoy and let me know what you think!

Harry: Twiddle lee Dee, playing with my wand.
Uncle Vernon: I knew I should have installed surveillance cameras…

Marge: Your mama was a female dog and your father was an unemployed drunken loser!!!
Harry: Was not!
Marge: Was too!
Harry: Was not!
Marge: Was- um…I seem to be inflating…
Harry: I’m out.

Scary Dog: I’m actually an accused murderer that has just escaped from Azkaban, oh I was also your dad’s best friend growing up and now I’m your godfather.
Alfonso: NO NO! Wrong scene!
Scary Dog: Oh! Sorry, I meant- Woof!
Harry: um….

Harry: A purple bus…WOOT!...Who is this Charles Manson look-a-like yelling at me in black and white?!
Stan: Murderer blah blah….Sirius Blah Black blah. You-Know-Who, reckon you’ve heard of him?
Harry: Psht chya. We go waaay back.
Hanging Jamaican Head: *Annoying, useless dialogue that adds nothing to the depth of the story*
HP Fans: WTF is that?

Fudge: Yeah so don’t worry about the whole blowing up your aunt thing…But if you ever try to destabilize my job by saying that You-Know-Who has returned…you might not get off so easy.
Harry: What if dementors attack me and I have to defend myself?
Fudge: ….No comment….

Ron/Hermione: BickerCatBanterRatBickerCatBanterRat
Harry: HEY GUYS!
Ron: I totally went to Egypt.
Harry: No way.
Ron: Way. Too bad this part of the story never plays out in the rest of the movie…

Mr. Weasley: He’s escaped, he wants to kill you, and you’d better not try to kill him first no matter what anyone says to provoke you.
Harry: Why not?
Mr. Weasley: Shh! don’t interrupt me when I’m adding internal conflict to the story.
Harry: Oh sorry…

Mrs. Weasley: Ron! If you had forgotten Peter- Ehum- Scabbers who knows what would have happened to the plot line!!!

Ron: *Switch to SqueakyVoice/ PainedExpression MODE*
Dementor: Um…Is Sirius Black here?
Lupin: No.
Dementor: Well if you see him, can you let him know that he owes me his soul?
Lupin: Will do.
Harry: Whoa my face is getting blurry.
Lupin: Take that you friggin’ Demon of eternal sorrow!
HP fans: Since when do you not have to say the incantation to produce a patronus? Even Dumbledore aint’ that good!

Lupin: have some Chocolate…
Audience: I have a feeling this is the start of annoying repetition...

Groovy Dumbledore: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds…
Kids: Huh?
Groovy Dumbledore: Oops I mean- Welcome to Hogwarts! Dementors suck man, they are always trying to bring us down man! But we need to stay high in the sky and celebrate life man!

Fat Lady: *Screech*
Fans: …her dress STILL isn’t pink!

Harry: K…Since when is a train an animal? Wait- Since when has there ever been candy that makes you act like an animal in the first place?
JKR: Um…don’t look at me.

Trelawny: You haven’t happened to see a hulking black dog, have you?
Harry: Actually…yeah kina...
Trelawny: Sucks for you.
Hermione: What mysterious entrance?

Hagrid: Aint ‘e cute?
Class: No. Not Really.
Harry: Hey he’s not so bad.
Class: Yeah. He really is.
Harry: I’m king of the castle!!!
Malfoy: Hey! I want to be king!
Buckbeak: Do you have ferrets?
Malfoy: I’m DYING!!!
Hagrid: Uttoh…
Buckbeak: Ok…What do you have to do around here to get some ferrets?

Seamus: He’s been sighted! Doyathinkthey’llcatchhim?!?!?!
Random Kid: It’s like trying to catch smoke…It’s like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.
HP fans: Who the hell is this guy? He isn’t in the books!!! How did he get so many flipping lines?!
Random kid: My dad and Alfonso are drinking buddies.
HP fans: I see how it is.

Lupin: K so are we all clear that a Bogart is the frickin scariest thing on the face of this earth?
Class: ...
Lupin: Awesome, who’s first?
Ron: Roller blades….I am SUCH a genius.
Harry: I feel singled out. Not to mention lame.

McGonagall: No…No…and…No.
Harry: Pleeassse!
McGonagall: um….No.

Lupin: You have your mothers-
Harry: Eyes?
Lupin: Yeah those.
Harry: K, you’re like the 80th person to say that. I’m starting to suspect that it’s going to be important in the story.
JKR: Not as stupid as you look are ya Harry?

Snape: A werewolf transforms during the full moon- oh my gosh- its full moon right now and Lupin is mysteriously absent- form your own conclusions.
Hermione: Again…I was here the whole time.
Snape: You are so annoyingly right about everything….100 points from Gryffindor!

Umbrella: Don’t I have a warranty?
Dementors: Haha suckers were back!!!
Harry: I’ve always wanted to try skydiving…

Ron: Dude, remember that tree that nearly squashed us to death? Well it has it out for your broom.

Harry: I’m so sick of hearing my mother die! Please teach me to kill the dementors!
Lupin: Whatever gives me another excuse to bust out more chocolate is fine by me!

Fat Lady: Thank god for this hippo or I could have died!…Wait…I’m a painting…I..was...never…alive…

Groovy Dumbledore: Mass murderer escaped in the castle??? What a PERFECT excuse for a slumber party!!!
Snape: Lupin is totally helping Black into the castle.
Groovy Dumbledore: You are such a downer Severus! Lighten up alittle!

Fred/George: It would have been pretty helpful to have this map back around chamber of secret days huh?
Harry: Sure, we could use this map to do good for Hogwarts and save the wizarding world…or we could go to honeydukes and party hardy.

Malfoy: I will now belittle you both by insulting your heritage.
Harry: You suck! And I throw disembodied snowballs at people who suck!
Malfoy: Screw acting superior, I’m outta here!

Harry: Invisibility….you gotta love it…It even allows me to listen in on important conversations where foreshadowing information is divulged.
Rosmerta: So tell me again why the potters are dead?
Fudge: Sirius Sirius Sirius.
Rosmerta: Okay. Got it.

Harry: Raise your hand if you feel betrayed and alone. *Raises hand*

Lupin: This is the most difficult magic EVER. So naturally I’ll expect you to get it pretty quickly.
Harry: Righto!
Lupin: This patronus thing could really take you places in the future…

Hagrid: Buckbeak is getting the knife…
Ron: So did scabbers...
Crookshanks: Don’t look at me foo’…

Map: *Flashing* PETER PETIGREW (FORMALLY PERCIEVED DEAD) IS ALIVE AND THRIVING IN THIS CASTLE UNDER A CLEVER DISGUISE!
Harry: I have the weirdest feeling I should check this out.

Snape: Your map insulted me and now I’m going to subtly hint at your secret! Nice scratches moony!
Lupin: Um…what scratches?...Who’s Moony?...
Harry: That map is totally wacked!
Lupin: The map is never wacked…this is so ominous...I almost can’t take it.

Trelawney: You are so mundane!
Hermione: Thank You! *Storms out*

Trelawney: I have a knack for surprising the hell out of people.
Harry: I’ll say. *backs away*

Hermione: BAM! Welcome to Hogwarts bitch!
Malfoy: I knew I should have taken tykwondo…

Hagrid: I’m so nice and lovable…why does so much shit happen to me?
Harry: seriously…
Hagrid: That reminds me! I found scabbers...
(Future) Harry: WORMTAIL! TRAITOR!!!
(Future) Hermione: Shhhhh!
Ron: WOW! Thanks a bunch!!!
Rock: WEEEE! *Flies through air*
Harry: OWWEEE!

Hermione: Im sooooooo sad! But on the plus side…I get to cry into Ron’s shoulder…ain’t it fun being the only girl?
Ron: Maybe scabbers was better off eaten…
Scary Dog: I’m back and I’m worse then ever!
Harry: Hey it’s my death omen! How’ve you been?

Hermione: This damn tree ruins everything!
Harry: What would a Harry Potter Movie be if I didn’t loose my glasses and have my vision briefly obscured?

Harry: *Clunk*
Hermione: *Clunk* (On top of Harry)
Hermione: Where do you suppose this goes?
Harry/Hermione Shippers: We know exactly where it goes.
Ron/Hermione Shippers: she’s talking about the hallway. DUH!
Harry: The protagonist in me will now lead us to the climax…

Sirius: If I just stopped thinking about that stupid rat and told everyone the truth it would save a lot of upcoming conflict. Too bad I hold grudges eh?

Lupin: I always liked you…honestly…I never thought you were a killer…
Hermione: He’s a werewolf!
Sirius: YA? Well I’m a dog and He’s a rat so lady-frickin-da.
Snape: I’m here to delay the truth and continue to frustrate the audience.
Harry: Not if I can help it…

Pettigrew: Uh...Um...I'm late for a manicure appointment!
Harry: Don’t kill him! I have a feeling he may save my life one day!
Sirius/Lupin: Whatevs…

Sirius: Wana live with me?
Harry: ARE YOU KIDDING? Come live in your smelly apartment and leave the pristinely trimmed lawn of privet drive?! When can I move my stuff in?

Lupin: *Heavy Breathing* *Heart Beating*
Ron: Yeah dude, I suffer from Asthma too, wana borrow my inhaler?
Lupin: *Transform Transform*
Ron: uh…never mind.

Dementor: I still want that soul Deadbeat!
Sirius: I can’t take this trauma, time for me to pass out.
Harry: You had better wake up! No way hozay am I going back to the Dursley’s now that I know I can live in your hell hole.
Dementor: Pucker Up!
People who haven’t read the book: Ah! Oh my gosh Sirius is gona loose his soul to those demented things!
HP fans: Calm down. He dies later…
Patronus: I’m so glad the producers caved on my back-up chorus idea, it makes me seem so much cooler! Take my silvery force field!
Dementor: You know what? I’m not even in the mood for soul…let’s bail.

Harry: *Flashback*- Sirius, Petigrew, Dementors, Patronus….DAD?!?!
Groovy Dumbledore: I don’t know why, but I believe you little moppet heads and I think you should manipulate time and save your godfathers ass. OH- we didn’t have this convo. *Wink Wink*
Ron/Harry: WTF?
Hermione: I-know-something-you-don’t-know…But that’s usually the case, isn’t it?

Hermione: Time blah Travel blah Classes blah can’t blah be blah Seen….blah.
Harry: Got it…not really….

Buckbeak: All I ever wanted was a ferret…and what do I get? An axe the size of Hagrid’s frickin’ pumpkins…someone help my pathetic existence.
Harry: See I knew you were just a softy.
Hermione: Here we come…for some reason I am interested in the appearance of my hair…how out of character of me…
Past Hermione: I thought I just saw myself. Should I investigate?
Past Harry: Not unless you want to destroy our lives, not to mention the entire series of Harry Potter books.
Past Hermione: Oh. Nevermind.

Buckbeak: Bats are the new ferrets.
Harry: I totally saw my dad!
Hermione: Have you been puffing the magic dragon? YOUR DAD IS DEAD.
Harry: Downermumbleknowitallmumble….

Past Sirius: Living this once was bad enough…
Past Harry: You’re telling me…

Harry: Um…Dad?...NOW would be a good time…........shit…
Harry: EXPECTO-SAVE-THE-DAY-PATRONUM!
Hermione/Sirius/Buckbeak: Yay! You’re our Hero Harry!
Harry: So what else is new?

Groovy Dumbledore: Either I'm really good at being mysterious, OR I'm wasted and I really CAN'T remember the entire plan that I just plotted.

Lupin: *Waits till no ones looking* *Tiptoes out front door with suitcase* *Runs For life*

Harry: I like brooms.
Ron: That’s good because Sirius only sent you the fastest awesomest one there is!

Harry: What a bizarre ending...I mean I barely got to ponder that whole "Dark lord returning" thing And there is still that unexplainable Stag-Shaped Patronus...And how in the hell did Lupin and Sirius both know about the map? Oh well...At least my face is blurry again. WHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!