- Joined
- Nov 17, 2004
- Messages
- 759
- Age
- 42
- Location
- San Jose, CA
- Nation Banner
- Main Job
- Server
- Quetzalcoatl
- FFXIV
- Veovis
Hello world, are you there? It's Doug.
Theres a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've felt it before. Its nerves. I felt like this the day I stepped off the plane in Washington D.C. The first time I laid eyes on her. But this time, the feeling is different. Theres something wrong with this feeling. I can barely hang onto the phone.
Theres a soft tremble in her voice, I can hear it. I know that voice. I've heard it a thousand times. She cant say what she wants to, a choked sob follows. Then she blurts it out all at once and my world comes crashing down around me. Her world, too, is destroyed. Her tears attest to that. I want to cry, I want to curl up and tremble and not listen to her, but i'm a man. I bite back my tears, I swallow hard, feeling that lump welling in my throat. I cant believe my ears, what she said. Not after all we'd been through. Not after all the laughs and tears and love.
With a shakey voice, I quietly ask "Why". Why, after all this time, would she choose to reject my love? What have I done to upset her? How can I make it right, fix things, repair this hole in our relationship thats developed? It was her that loved me first. She nursed the wounds of a previous, hard ending relationship. She was my rock. My support. At the time the former relationship had ended, I wished I could die. I felt I had nothing to live for. But she showed me how wrong I was. She showed me what true love was. She took me by the hand and guided me through my mire of angst and led me to a plataeu of happiness I'd never before imagined in my wildest dreams.
And now, she wishes it to end. How can she? Why did she love me in the first place? Her reply comes after several breaths, tears still choking her. She tells me shes taken on too many responsibilities in school, that she has no time to see me, that she would rather we break up than to have me sit and wait endlessly for her, with my heartache welling until it becomes unbearable.
Its a noble request. I can understand why she would wish such a thing. To hurt the one you treasure most is worse than the hugest pain you could ever inflict upon yourself.
..But doesnt she understand that love knows no bounds? Time is nothing next to love. Love is all powerful. Love sees you through the worst of times, and makes the best of times even better. Why, I can still see her beautiful face whenever I close my eyes. Hear her sweet laugh. Feel her soft touch. Love doesnt just go away.
Again, I ask why. I understand her reason, but I dont believe it. We've been together for three years, the whole time distance has been between us. Why suddenly has that become a factor when it never had been before?
She tells me it isnt that she doesnt love me. She says she'll love me till she dies, that she's madly in love with me. She says its because she doesnt want to hurt me. It would be best for me to find another girl, more worthwhile than her, to lavish my attentions upon. But she doesnt realize..To me, there is no other girl I could lavish my attentions upon. Theres no girl i'd ever want to take her place. I'd rather die lost and lonely than seek another. To me, she is the greatest woman whos ever lived, who ever shall live. There will never be another girl.
I tell her I dont care that she has no time right now. Thats alright! College is only a few months away, and we'll be together then. I tell her to stop worrying about the here, the now. There will always be time. No matter how busy she is, she can pick up the phone and drop me a line. She doesnt even need to come online. I'll settle for that.
Her tears begin to slow, I can hear her more clearly now, though her next words come in a soft whimper.
"...Really?" She asked me. "Of course," I replied, "I've loved you these three years, and never once has it ever crossed my mind to simply end our relationship. Three years ago, we decided that, no matter how long it took, one day we'd be together. One day, we'd have a life together. And that day is so close, I can see it ahead. I'm willing to hold on until then. Are you?"
Her tears begin again, and she sobs loudly, crying without abandon now. But these are a different kind of tears. Tears of relief, no anguish. I'll admit it. I cried a little too when I heard her, I couldnt help it. She thought that this whole time that she's been doing her things IRL, not being around the computer and such, that i've been feeling nothing but pain, and she was the direct source of it. Hearing my words, I made her day. She cries more before finally speaking again, telling me all of this in one speedy breath.
I wish, at this point, I could hold her close. Comfort her, tell her to stop being such a silly little girl. That I could smooth my hand against her hair, gaze into her eyes, and tell her that I loved her and that everything will be okay. I cant though, not yet. Soon, but not yet. We begin to talk, the minutes turn to hours. Pretty soon, we've been talking for more than four hours, and on her side of the world its quickly approaching three AM. She's got school in the morning, and asks if she can go to bed. A smile on my face where once had been a frown, I say, "Of course."
I can hear her smile with her next words. Its that shy smile, I can tell. That shy smile that goes with those dazzling eyes. She tells me, "Doug..I'm happier right now than i've been in months. This is us again. Together. Talking, spending time together, laughing, smiling. This is us. I've missed us."
I chuckle a little as I reply. "I've missed us too, kid. Now get to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."
We say our goodbyes, and after several "I love you's", she hangs up, and i'm left alone in my darkness once again. Left to think, to worry, to question. I blame myself for what happened earlier that night, but I thank my lucky stars I pleaded my case and she understood well enough. I'd wait forever for her, if thats what it took. One touch from her is worth a thousand years. But I lay awake for the majority of the night, thinking about everything. Thinking about how, so long ago now, I wanted to die. I was prepared to end it too. I know, so Emo. But whenever I got up the gall to do it, i'd see her. She loved me then. And I think I loved her too, I just didnt want to admit it. I'd see her there, smiling before me, and I knew that if I did what I wanted to, that poor innocent girl would be crushed. I couldnt do that to her. I owed her more than that. She saved my life, whether she knows it or not. And she thinks I cant wait a few months to be able to talk to her every day again?
I told you she was a silly little girl.
Everythings better now, but it feels off. Something changed last night, I dont want to believe it, but something did. Maybe we both grew up a little. Maybe we hurt each other a little bit last night and we both need to lick our wounds. Maybe nothings changed and I'm just upset still that the notion came to her to end our love. I still have that odd little stirring in the pit of my stomach, but i'm thinking now its due more in part to the burrito I had for lunch.
Taylor, you dont play this game, so the chances of you ever finding this post and reading it are slim. But on the off chance that you do, I want to say something special, something that has meaning to you, and only you:
Ego amat tu semper.
..I dont know why i'm writing this here. Nobody I know is around to talk to. And I needed to talk. Sorry for cluttering up the boards with my useless ramblings.
Theres a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've felt it before. Its nerves. I felt like this the day I stepped off the plane in Washington D.C. The first time I laid eyes on her. But this time, the feeling is different. Theres something wrong with this feeling. I can barely hang onto the phone.
Theres a soft tremble in her voice, I can hear it. I know that voice. I've heard it a thousand times. She cant say what she wants to, a choked sob follows. Then she blurts it out all at once and my world comes crashing down around me. Her world, too, is destroyed. Her tears attest to that. I want to cry, I want to curl up and tremble and not listen to her, but i'm a man. I bite back my tears, I swallow hard, feeling that lump welling in my throat. I cant believe my ears, what she said. Not after all we'd been through. Not after all the laughs and tears and love.
With a shakey voice, I quietly ask "Why". Why, after all this time, would she choose to reject my love? What have I done to upset her? How can I make it right, fix things, repair this hole in our relationship thats developed? It was her that loved me first. She nursed the wounds of a previous, hard ending relationship. She was my rock. My support. At the time the former relationship had ended, I wished I could die. I felt I had nothing to live for. But she showed me how wrong I was. She showed me what true love was. She took me by the hand and guided me through my mire of angst and led me to a plataeu of happiness I'd never before imagined in my wildest dreams.
And now, she wishes it to end. How can she? Why did she love me in the first place? Her reply comes after several breaths, tears still choking her. She tells me shes taken on too many responsibilities in school, that she has no time to see me, that she would rather we break up than to have me sit and wait endlessly for her, with my heartache welling until it becomes unbearable.
Its a noble request. I can understand why she would wish such a thing. To hurt the one you treasure most is worse than the hugest pain you could ever inflict upon yourself.
..But doesnt she understand that love knows no bounds? Time is nothing next to love. Love is all powerful. Love sees you through the worst of times, and makes the best of times even better. Why, I can still see her beautiful face whenever I close my eyes. Hear her sweet laugh. Feel her soft touch. Love doesnt just go away.
Again, I ask why. I understand her reason, but I dont believe it. We've been together for three years, the whole time distance has been between us. Why suddenly has that become a factor when it never had been before?
She tells me it isnt that she doesnt love me. She says she'll love me till she dies, that she's madly in love with me. She says its because she doesnt want to hurt me. It would be best for me to find another girl, more worthwhile than her, to lavish my attentions upon. But she doesnt realize..To me, there is no other girl I could lavish my attentions upon. Theres no girl i'd ever want to take her place. I'd rather die lost and lonely than seek another. To me, she is the greatest woman whos ever lived, who ever shall live. There will never be another girl.
I tell her I dont care that she has no time right now. Thats alright! College is only a few months away, and we'll be together then. I tell her to stop worrying about the here, the now. There will always be time. No matter how busy she is, she can pick up the phone and drop me a line. She doesnt even need to come online. I'll settle for that.
Her tears begin to slow, I can hear her more clearly now, though her next words come in a soft whimper.
"...Really?" She asked me. "Of course," I replied, "I've loved you these three years, and never once has it ever crossed my mind to simply end our relationship. Three years ago, we decided that, no matter how long it took, one day we'd be together. One day, we'd have a life together. And that day is so close, I can see it ahead. I'm willing to hold on until then. Are you?"
Her tears begin again, and she sobs loudly, crying without abandon now. But these are a different kind of tears. Tears of relief, no anguish. I'll admit it. I cried a little too when I heard her, I couldnt help it. She thought that this whole time that she's been doing her things IRL, not being around the computer and such, that i've been feeling nothing but pain, and she was the direct source of it. Hearing my words, I made her day. She cries more before finally speaking again, telling me all of this in one speedy breath.
I wish, at this point, I could hold her close. Comfort her, tell her to stop being such a silly little girl. That I could smooth my hand against her hair, gaze into her eyes, and tell her that I loved her and that everything will be okay. I cant though, not yet. Soon, but not yet. We begin to talk, the minutes turn to hours. Pretty soon, we've been talking for more than four hours, and on her side of the world its quickly approaching three AM. She's got school in the morning, and asks if she can go to bed. A smile on my face where once had been a frown, I say, "Of course."
I can hear her smile with her next words. Its that shy smile, I can tell. That shy smile that goes with those dazzling eyes. She tells me, "Doug..I'm happier right now than i've been in months. This is us again. Together. Talking, spending time together, laughing, smiling. This is us. I've missed us."
I chuckle a little as I reply. "I've missed us too, kid. Now get to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."
We say our goodbyes, and after several "I love you's", she hangs up, and i'm left alone in my darkness once again. Left to think, to worry, to question. I blame myself for what happened earlier that night, but I thank my lucky stars I pleaded my case and she understood well enough. I'd wait forever for her, if thats what it took. One touch from her is worth a thousand years. But I lay awake for the majority of the night, thinking about everything. Thinking about how, so long ago now, I wanted to die. I was prepared to end it too. I know, so Emo. But whenever I got up the gall to do it, i'd see her. She loved me then. And I think I loved her too, I just didnt want to admit it. I'd see her there, smiling before me, and I knew that if I did what I wanted to, that poor innocent girl would be crushed. I couldnt do that to her. I owed her more than that. She saved my life, whether she knows it or not. And she thinks I cant wait a few months to be able to talk to her every day again?
I told you she was a silly little girl.
Everythings better now, but it feels off. Something changed last night, I dont want to believe it, but something did. Maybe we both grew up a little. Maybe we hurt each other a little bit last night and we both need to lick our wounds. Maybe nothings changed and I'm just upset still that the notion came to her to end our love. I still have that odd little stirring in the pit of my stomach, but i'm thinking now its due more in part to the burrito I had for lunch.
Taylor, you dont play this game, so the chances of you ever finding this post and reading it are slim. But on the off chance that you do, I want to say something special, something that has meaning to you, and only you:
Ego amat tu semper.
..I dont know why i'm writing this here. Nobody I know is around to talk to. And I needed to talk. Sorry for cluttering up the boards with my useless ramblings.
)
You can always talk to me if you still feel down. I really don't know what to say but that I'm extreamly sorry..and that things will get better over time.
