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Henriette Bordvik [(ex)sirenia] wrote this in her myspace blog thought it was interesting and funny. Warning it is pretty graphic.
METAL!!
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Let's set the next situation: There's a gorgeous princess captive on the top of a castle that's guarded by a huge dreadful dragon. Let's see what
would happen in every case from the following situations:
POWER METAL: the trend representative arrives in the castle riding a
pegasus, cowardly avoiding the dragon, saves the princess and then fly
away to have sex.
TRUE METAL: This hero arrives to the castle, faces the dragon and defeats
it in a rough battle with his sword. Has sex with the princess all covered
with the dragon's blood.
THRASH METAL: This dude gets to the castle, faces the dragon and goes
buckwild and beats the crap out of it just with punches and kicks, saves
the princess and screws her.
HEAVY METAL: The heavy metal star arrives to the castle on a Harley
Davidson, kills the dragon with a machine gun, drinks a couple of beers
with the princess and then... You know what follows.
FOLK METAL: The folk metal representative arrives with a bunch of buddies
loaded with achordeons, bag pipes, oboes and other weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep and the folk dudes get the hell out of the castle
leaving the way out clean for the princess to escape.
VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a drakkar gets his axe and kills
the dragon, then he beheads it, pulls his heart out, cooks it and eats it.
Then he rapes the princess, sacks the castle and sets it on fire before he leaves.
DEATH METAL: The death metal kid slaughters the dragon, gets in the
castle, rapes the princess and then he kills her. (what a dick!)
BLACK METAL: A corpse painted dude gets before dawn in the middle of the fog, kills the dragon with his sword, and impales it. Then he sodomizes
the princess, cuts her all over with his knife and drinks her blood in a
satanic bloody ritual, then he finds she was not a virgin and impales her
too and sets her corpse by the dragon's.
GORE METAL: (Just imagine what this dude does to the dragon) he f*cks the princess and burns her alive her and f*cks her again, then he eats her
carbonized remains and throughs her up in gore regurgitation and eats her
again!!
GRIND METAL: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
DOOM METAL: Gets to the castle, sees the dragon and gets depressed for its size and the dumbass kills himself, the dragon eats his corpse and the
princess
GOTHIC METAL: The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.
INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL: Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
BATTLE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
NU METAL: The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
or
NU METAL: (we all hate this dude... don't you?) he gets to the castle bragging about his fighting abilities. The dragon laughs and gets the sh*t
out of this poor 15 year older. The boy looses in shame and runs out into
the castle, meets the princess and talks to her about his disgraceful
childhood, the princess slaps him on his face and he leaves crying going
back home to record a "best of" cd.
EMO: The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
GRUNGE: The protagonist doesn't get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won't go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other mosha's due to the over consumption of white cider.
POP-PUNK: The dragon can't eat the protagonist because he can't catch him because he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won't f*ck him either, because he likes ska.
CLASSIC ROCK AND ROLL: Arrives on a motor bike smoking some pot and offers a bit to the dragon who happened to be his friend, then he sleeps in a tent with the princess in the bottom of the garden and after much sex,
loads of drugs and Rock 'n' Roll he chokes in with his own vomit and dies
(Uhh.. reminds me of Bon Scott).
PUNK: (This one's the very best cowards) Throws a rock to the dragon and
runs away, the dragon burns his mohican hairstyle and he writes the A symbol of anarchy on the castle's wall. He meets the princess and grosses her up with his cheap vodka breath. The princess dies and the punky takes over the castle and sets a punk store.
PROGRESSIVE: Gets there and plays a 26 minute-long virtuoso solo, our dragon friend kills himself for so much boredom. The dudes gets the princess and plays all the tunes, harmonies, compasses and techniques learnt during his years in the conservatory. The princess escapes to find the true metal protagonist.
HARD ROCK: This one arrives in a red 56er Cadillac with two big-boobed blonde girls drinking a Jack Daniels bottle. Kills the dragon with a knife and makes up an orgy with the blonde girls and the princess.
GLAM: The dragon laughs his ass out at the glam star look and just lets him in. The glam star gets in the princess room, steals her lipstick and hairspray and convinces the dragon to paint the castle in pink.
THE FAGGOTHIC: (you know what I mean, huh!) Gets to the place all clothed up in black and his face with some white powder on, talking about how regarding must killing oneself be while he cuts his veins, then sees the dragon and thinks it's realy dark and sinister so he hangs his dumb self from a tree to show the dragon he's even darker and gloomier. The dragon gets sad and kills himself too.
THE DISCO FREAK: Offers the dragon some cocaine and invites him to make a dance race. After winning the competition and killing the dragon by overconsuption of cocaine, offers the princess to film a porn movie playing cheerleader.
THE TECHNOELECTRONIC: Uses a loop goa trance to get the dragon stuck down there on dancing, he doesn't care for theprincess and, since he's gay, goes and does the glam star coz he's gay too.
THE HIP HOP WHIGGER: (This one must be the most hated by us... isn't he?) Gets there jiving and talking in ibonics and "singing" "Snoop Dogg" shit and his ghettoness and stench scares the dragon off. Meets the princess and jumps her to steal her goods to buy some weed and glue to sniff.
MISTER JPOP ANIME: Gets there all dressed up as a Sailor Moon and tries to make up his lunar prism power ability but it won't come out and the dragons eats him for being a dumbass scum.
BOY BAND DUDE: Gets there but the dragon tells him to record an album coz he sings good, he gets the hell out of the place and records his shity stuff. He tells the press he's a virgin, but later he kisses Michael Jackson and later on he marries Britney Spears's fan club president.
THE DEMOCRAT HIPPIE: Gets there fucking the dragon around about being an imperialist lizard and that it's a black gold exploiter, throws some molotov bombs at it and kills it. The the pigs (police) get to the place and get the shit out of the hippie, they arrest him and he refuses to save the princess because she's part of the oligarchy.[/FONT]
Spoiler:
METAL!!
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Let's set the next situation: There's a gorgeous princess captive on the top of a castle that's guarded by a huge dreadful dragon. Let's see what
would happen in every case from the following situations:
POWER METAL: the trend representative arrives in the castle riding a
pegasus, cowardly avoiding the dragon, saves the princess and then fly
away to have sex.
TRUE METAL: This hero arrives to the castle, faces the dragon and defeats
it in a rough battle with his sword. Has sex with the princess all covered
with the dragon's blood.
THRASH METAL: This dude gets to the castle, faces the dragon and goes
buckwild and beats the crap out of it just with punches and kicks, saves
the princess and screws her.
HEAVY METAL: The heavy metal star arrives to the castle on a Harley
Davidson, kills the dragon with a machine gun, drinks a couple of beers
with the princess and then... You know what follows.
FOLK METAL: The folk metal representative arrives with a bunch of buddies
loaded with achordeons, bag pipes, oboes and other weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep and the folk dudes get the hell out of the castle
leaving the way out clean for the princess to escape.
VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a drakkar gets his axe and kills
the dragon, then he beheads it, pulls his heart out, cooks it and eats it.
Then he rapes the princess, sacks the castle and sets it on fire before he leaves.
DEATH METAL: The death metal kid slaughters the dragon, gets in the
castle, rapes the princess and then he kills her. (what a dick!)
BLACK METAL: A corpse painted dude gets before dawn in the middle of the fog, kills the dragon with his sword, and impales it. Then he sodomizes
the princess, cuts her all over with his knife and drinks her blood in a
satanic bloody ritual, then he finds she was not a virgin and impales her
too and sets her corpse by the dragon's.
GORE METAL: (Just imagine what this dude does to the dragon) he f*cks the princess and burns her alive her and f*cks her again, then he eats her
carbonized remains and throughs her up in gore regurgitation and eats her
again!!
GRIND METAL: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
DOOM METAL: Gets to the castle, sees the dragon and gets depressed for its size and the dumbass kills himself, the dragon eats his corpse and the
princess
GOTHIC METAL: The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.
INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
SPEED METAL: Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
BATTLE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.
NU METAL: The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
or
NU METAL: (we all hate this dude... don't you?) he gets to the castle bragging about his fighting abilities. The dragon laughs and gets the sh*t
out of this poor 15 year older. The boy looses in shame and runs out into
the castle, meets the princess and talks to her about his disgraceful
childhood, the princess slaps him on his face and he leaves crying going
back home to record a "best of" cd.
EMO: The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
GRUNGE: The protagonist doesn't get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much from not washing his hair in months. The princess won't go near him either, and he ends up dying on the town hall steps with the other mosha's due to the over consumption of white cider.
POP-PUNK: The dragon can't eat the protagonist because he can't catch him because he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won't f*ck him either, because he likes ska.
CLASSIC ROCK AND ROLL: Arrives on a motor bike smoking some pot and offers a bit to the dragon who happened to be his friend, then he sleeps in a tent with the princess in the bottom of the garden and after much sex,
loads of drugs and Rock 'n' Roll he chokes in with his own vomit and dies
(Uhh.. reminds me of Bon Scott).
PUNK: (This one's the very best cowards) Throws a rock to the dragon and
runs away, the dragon burns his mohican hairstyle and he writes the A symbol of anarchy on the castle's wall. He meets the princess and grosses her up with his cheap vodka breath. The princess dies and the punky takes over the castle and sets a punk store.
PROGRESSIVE: Gets there and plays a 26 minute-long virtuoso solo, our dragon friend kills himself for so much boredom. The dudes gets the princess and plays all the tunes, harmonies, compasses and techniques learnt during his years in the conservatory. The princess escapes to find the true metal protagonist.
HARD ROCK: This one arrives in a red 56er Cadillac with two big-boobed blonde girls drinking a Jack Daniels bottle. Kills the dragon with a knife and makes up an orgy with the blonde girls and the princess.
GLAM: The dragon laughs his ass out at the glam star look and just lets him in. The glam star gets in the princess room, steals her lipstick and hairspray and convinces the dragon to paint the castle in pink.
THE FAGGOTHIC: (you know what I mean, huh!) Gets to the place all clothed up in black and his face with some white powder on, talking about how regarding must killing oneself be while he cuts his veins, then sees the dragon and thinks it's realy dark and sinister so he hangs his dumb self from a tree to show the dragon he's even darker and gloomier. The dragon gets sad and kills himself too.
THE DISCO FREAK: Offers the dragon some cocaine and invites him to make a dance race. After winning the competition and killing the dragon by overconsuption of cocaine, offers the princess to film a porn movie playing cheerleader.
THE TECHNOELECTRONIC: Uses a loop goa trance to get the dragon stuck down there on dancing, he doesn't care for theprincess and, since he's gay, goes and does the glam star coz he's gay too.
THE HIP HOP WHIGGER: (This one must be the most hated by us... isn't he?) Gets there jiving and talking in ibonics and "singing" "Snoop Dogg" shit and his ghettoness and stench scares the dragon off. Meets the princess and jumps her to steal her goods to buy some weed and glue to sniff.
MISTER JPOP ANIME: Gets there all dressed up as a Sailor Moon and tries to make up his lunar prism power ability but it won't come out and the dragons eats him for being a dumbass scum.
BOY BAND DUDE: Gets there but the dragon tells him to record an album coz he sings good, he gets the hell out of the place and records his shity stuff. He tells the press he's a virgin, but later he kisses Michael Jackson and later on he marries Britney Spears's fan club president.
THE DEMOCRAT HIPPIE: Gets there fucking the dragon around about being an imperialist lizard and that it's a black gold exploiter, throws some molotov bombs at it and kills it. The the pigs (police) get to the place and get the shit out of the hippie, they arrest him and he refuses to save the princess because she's part of the oligarchy.[/FONT]
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