Ooohhkay, so before I start this, I should note that the following is intensely personal. The kind of personal that I rarely even put in my blog because people I know READ that shit (sillies)...so this is my disclaimer..I don't know if this post will warrant an [M] rating, but just in case, I stuck it up there.
It's probably also going to fall in the TL;DR category - but it's therapeutic a bit to toss prose out on my work-issued laptop instead of actually WORK so I'm doing this for me and because it's just time dammit so...yeah...
Ahem..now then...
I'm divorced. No secret there...I got married when I was 20 to a man 7 years older than I am and that, dear friends, was just stupid. I got married to get married - to have security and a wedding and because I thought I was so mature for my age. I wasn't. Neither are you. So there.
I quit taking birth control that year. About 3 months before the wedding, in fact. Although I was finishing my senior year of college and heading to grad school, I wanted a baby. I wanted the career, husband and family and I wanted it all NOW. So..by 23 I had a masters degree, had been a home owner for 3 years, and a husband. But still no kids. A garden and a few good friends...but no kids.
This is when we started seeking help from specialists. After a lot of testing, trial and error, and tedious temperature taking at 7 a.m. - we found out that I had a nasty hormonal imbalance and his sperm count was non-existent. We went through in-vitro fertilization (test tube babies) and the second time I got pregnant with twins.
Fast forward 3 year...mommy of 2 beautiful girls..I have everything I want right? Full time job with summers off as a school social worker, 3 bedroom ranch, husband, my babies...nah...it just - I started to realize a lot of things. Maybe because I was a mom, maybe because I was 27-28... but either way - I realized that if a man treated my daughters the way their father treated me, I'd drag em out of that house by their ear lobes.
The entire story behind that is wayy to long..and actually - really off topic, but the background is still important.
So, after a long divorce, I find myself skinny, bold, and....re-living the early 20's I never got to have. Hanging out with my sisters at college, dating men 7-8 years younger, drinking, smoking - uh - things, and blowing off bills, work, just about everything. It's like I just reverted 7 or 8 years after I got out of the dictatorship..er...marriage.
This whole time I'm not exactly being a rocket scientist about my body. I didn't think I could get pregnant..and wasn't exactly picky about birth control. I had a few 2 and 3 week relationships...a few other types of relationships I'm not proud of..then there was one that lasted about 9 months..and the current relationship I'm in now.
I came through the whole thing healthy, employed, with a bad credit record I'm going to be rebuilding for a few years - but nothing I can't handle. It really is amazing I didn't lose my job or gain an STD, but I didn't. Brutal honesty.
Now I'm 31. Here's the kicker...after 11 years of thinking I couldn't get pregnant...11 years of largely unprotected sex..and 11 years of being told it would be a miracle if I did conceive and carry because of horribly low progesterone levels among other things...I'm now almost 12 weeks pregnant.
Ohhh wait, it gets better.
When I met my boyfriend, he wasn't exaclty honest with me about a few things. Namely, his criminal record is longer than my inseam (which is LONG) and he is a convicted felon. Fortunately for him, I believe people can change and I'd already started to really like him for who he was - not his vital stats.
So it's a pain..he can't drive. He gets injured on the job. Loses ride to job. Can't find another job. Things go from ugly to uglier. We've been together for only 8 months and when I found out I was pregnant I felt the world crushing me.
Okay, so I CAN do it on my own. I own my home, I make enough to live well...but damn..I cried for days. Feeling like I should sell my stuff and get a trailor house and a permanent spot on Jerry Springer...I didn't know what to do. I can't deny I contemplated not having the baby. I even made the appointment...heh..my insurance wouldn't pay for fertility meds..but an abortion would have cost my 15 bucks...my co pay..After 10 agonizing days and a significant event - I realized that the only thing that would benefit was me - and only for the short term.
I had to have an ultrasound to find out exactly how far along I was. I thought I was about 10 weeks...found out I was 6. BUT..I saw the baby's heart beat. OHH the boyfriend was angry when I told him that there was no decision to be made - I couldn't live with myself as a woman and mother if I went through with it. He wasn't angry about the decision itself, only that I'd taken his right to input away.
Well..at that time he and I weren't getting along for more than 5 minutes at a time anyway. He still had no job and I was working 4 in order to help him out, even though I still wasn't quite making enough to support 2 househoulds. Eventually...we had a few breakdowns...have done a lot of talking..and, to be honest we still have a long way to go. At least, thank Goddess, I'm old enough to see the reality in the situation.
It's scary...to say the least...if he and I don't work out - another kid with another dad...me alone with 3 kids..I am NOT trashy, I'm not STUPID...but man, I feel like it sometimes.
And that's the easy part. I'm an adult, I'll heal...but..the chances of this succeeding? Umm...
He has a 70% chance of going back to prison, a 90% chance he'll use Meth again, a 90% chance he'll become an active alcoholic again, a 60% chance he'll commit another violent act, and, because of his childhood, a 70% chance he will get divorced should he ever marry.
Since it would be my second marriage, if we ever get to that point, it has a 70% failure rate. My kids all have a significantly higher chance of dropping out of school, abusing drugs and/or alcohol, ending up on public assistance, participating in violent crime, and getting divorced and/or knocked up themselves.
It's sobering.
I wanted to aggregate all of the statistics between he and I to figure out what the percent chance is that we can get married, live happily ever after in a middle class neighborhood and raise 3 successful, intelligent, healthy, happy children but I'm guessing it will be such a small number that no calculator I have will compute it.
We joke about this...our eyes are wide open.
I guess you could take several angles on what the point of all of this is...don't judge others, statistics suck, don't get married young...I don't really care. Maybe there is no point at all...chew it up, taste it, spit or swallow - tis up to you. But DAMN you're good if you made it this far. Cheerz!
It's probably also going to fall in the TL;DR category - but it's therapeutic a bit to toss prose out on my work-issued laptop instead of actually WORK so I'm doing this for me and because it's just time dammit so...yeah...
Ahem..now then...
I'm divorced. No secret there...I got married when I was 20 to a man 7 years older than I am and that, dear friends, was just stupid. I got married to get married - to have security and a wedding and because I thought I was so mature for my age. I wasn't. Neither are you. So there.
I quit taking birth control that year. About 3 months before the wedding, in fact. Although I was finishing my senior year of college and heading to grad school, I wanted a baby. I wanted the career, husband and family and I wanted it all NOW. So..by 23 I had a masters degree, had been a home owner for 3 years, and a husband. But still no kids. A garden and a few good friends...but no kids.
This is when we started seeking help from specialists. After a lot of testing, trial and error, and tedious temperature taking at 7 a.m. - we found out that I had a nasty hormonal imbalance and his sperm count was non-existent. We went through in-vitro fertilization (test tube babies) and the second time I got pregnant with twins.
Fast forward 3 year...mommy of 2 beautiful girls..I have everything I want right? Full time job with summers off as a school social worker, 3 bedroom ranch, husband, my babies...nah...it just - I started to realize a lot of things. Maybe because I was a mom, maybe because I was 27-28... but either way - I realized that if a man treated my daughters the way their father treated me, I'd drag em out of that house by their ear lobes.
The entire story behind that is wayy to long..and actually - really off topic, but the background is still important.
So, after a long divorce, I find myself skinny, bold, and....re-living the early 20's I never got to have. Hanging out with my sisters at college, dating men 7-8 years younger, drinking, smoking - uh - things, and blowing off bills, work, just about everything. It's like I just reverted 7 or 8 years after I got out of the dictatorship..er...marriage.
This whole time I'm not exactly being a rocket scientist about my body. I didn't think I could get pregnant..and wasn't exactly picky about birth control. I had a few 2 and 3 week relationships...a few other types of relationships I'm not proud of..then there was one that lasted about 9 months..and the current relationship I'm in now.
I came through the whole thing healthy, employed, with a bad credit record I'm going to be rebuilding for a few years - but nothing I can't handle. It really is amazing I didn't lose my job or gain an STD, but I didn't. Brutal honesty.
Now I'm 31. Here's the kicker...after 11 years of thinking I couldn't get pregnant...11 years of largely unprotected sex..and 11 years of being told it would be a miracle if I did conceive and carry because of horribly low progesterone levels among other things...I'm now almost 12 weeks pregnant.
Ohhh wait, it gets better.
When I met my boyfriend, he wasn't exaclty honest with me about a few things. Namely, his criminal record is longer than my inseam (which is LONG) and he is a convicted felon. Fortunately for him, I believe people can change and I'd already started to really like him for who he was - not his vital stats.
So it's a pain..he can't drive. He gets injured on the job. Loses ride to job. Can't find another job. Things go from ugly to uglier. We've been together for only 8 months and when I found out I was pregnant I felt the world crushing me.
Okay, so I CAN do it on my own. I own my home, I make enough to live well...but damn..I cried for days. Feeling like I should sell my stuff and get a trailor house and a permanent spot on Jerry Springer...I didn't know what to do. I can't deny I contemplated not having the baby. I even made the appointment...heh..my insurance wouldn't pay for fertility meds..but an abortion would have cost my 15 bucks...my co pay..After 10 agonizing days and a significant event - I realized that the only thing that would benefit was me - and only for the short term.
I had to have an ultrasound to find out exactly how far along I was. I thought I was about 10 weeks...found out I was 6. BUT..I saw the baby's heart beat. OHH the boyfriend was angry when I told him that there was no decision to be made - I couldn't live with myself as a woman and mother if I went through with it. He wasn't angry about the decision itself, only that I'd taken his right to input away.
Well..at that time he and I weren't getting along for more than 5 minutes at a time anyway. He still had no job and I was working 4 in order to help him out, even though I still wasn't quite making enough to support 2 househoulds. Eventually...we had a few breakdowns...have done a lot of talking..and, to be honest we still have a long way to go. At least, thank Goddess, I'm old enough to see the reality in the situation.
It's scary...to say the least...if he and I don't work out - another kid with another dad...me alone with 3 kids..I am NOT trashy, I'm not STUPID...but man, I feel like it sometimes.
And that's the easy part. I'm an adult, I'll heal...but..the chances of this succeeding? Umm...
He has a 70% chance of going back to prison, a 90% chance he'll use Meth again, a 90% chance he'll become an active alcoholic again, a 60% chance he'll commit another violent act, and, because of his childhood, a 70% chance he will get divorced should he ever marry.
Since it would be my second marriage, if we ever get to that point, it has a 70% failure rate. My kids all have a significantly higher chance of dropping out of school, abusing drugs and/or alcohol, ending up on public assistance, participating in violent crime, and getting divorced and/or knocked up themselves.
It's sobering.
I wanted to aggregate all of the statistics between he and I to figure out what the percent chance is that we can get married, live happily ever after in a middle class neighborhood and raise 3 successful, intelligent, healthy, happy children but I'm guessing it will be such a small number that no calculator I have will compute it.
We joke about this...our eyes are wide open.
I guess you could take several angles on what the point of all of this is...don't judge others, statistics suck, don't get married young...I don't really care. Maybe there is no point at all...chew it up, taste it, spit or swallow - tis up to you. But DAMN you're good if you made it this far. Cheerz!
), but good luck with everything Jezz. You seem like a tough chick so if anyone can do it, you can!
