Ok everyone. So I am going to do something that is typically very hard for me to do. I will be talking about the reasons behind removals for a group of members.
The reason this is hard for me is that, after already having happened twice and to a small degree on some recently closed topics, I expect people to jump the gun at what others say and not even give the other side a chance. I have observed how people behave a lot throughout my life, and everything I feel about what is right and what is wrong has all been shaped by my own interpretations that I know no one but the One above has given to me. Because of what I have usually seen, I hardly expect people to try to abstract themselves away from any biased thinking. I have seen people do things against innocent people, and then twisting the reality to turn all the negative attention on them. I have seen the stigmas applied to those who do not seek to affect others. I never liked it when those who have no bad intentions were mistreated. I hated it. I have grown up with surroundings where I saw some of the worst. I never lived in a low-housing apartment complex (yes, a ghetto), but I have lived near and even twice even next to them. I attended nearby schools where lots of the people are bad, in the real, not fake way. Gangs were common. Fights were common. I knew one black guy who left my high school because he was threatened to get shot. I knew a black guy who got jumped on the bus by a trio of rival ghetto dudes, and the guy pulled out his gun, shot someone and went to jail for it. I didn't just know about those people, I knew them. I've talked with people who lived that lifestyle. I've heard about girls getting used by guys and getting called ho's. I have two cousins of my own who have kids and no dad around, and one cousin who is living in a shelter. I was not a stranger to being picked on when I was young. It wasn't until high school that that really stopped. I was told that, as a kid, when I was young, I would talk about the stuff I see people do. Like tagging the buildings and breaking school windows and beating each other up over nothing. During those younger years, my home was a safe haven for me.
As I grew up, I started getting thicker skin. I didn't look like the kid people could just push around anymore. I wasn't made fun of anymore. But I didn't do any of those bad things, getting into gangs, drugs, fights, house parties, sex and all that. No. Instead, I hated those things. I hated that people did all the things that made them do bad things. But, one thing was certain, I never hated the person. Only the actions. I could never hate another spirit connected to one tied universe. That's why I still talked to people. But that doesn't mean that my trust was completely there. Trust is the most difficult thing I can give to people. I can give people my friendship, I can give people my attention, I can give people my time. I have given people my care, hugging them when they needed someone to cry on. But even then, I still could not give all of my full trust. Because I know there is always the possibility that I'd get turned on. That is why I hardly show any of my own personal feelings to people. Not many get to see the real side of me. I'm not saying that how I act otherwise is fake, no. That's a real side of me too. But I mean my personal side. The side I don't let most people see because I'm too afraid to do so. Is it ok for a man to cry? I say it is. Have I? Well, make your guess.
When things like this happen (and this would be the third time), I just take it as it is. Instead of being all sad about it, the things I've observed about past similar occurrences give me reason not to take it to heart. The way I respond is my conscious choice, but I know that in truth it breaks my heart that people can have such malice in their hearts. We have to live with an imperfect world, but this world is not the true reality. Our spirits are affected by the motives and actions of others. These are not just feelings stemming from the brain. They are distortions to the realities that we really are. And I am not affected simply because it is done against me. It affects my spirit, as all of ours even when our Selves don't know it, to see others do wrong. So does this still affect me on a physical, emotional level? Not really. But it does affect me at the core, the spirit. I love it when I see others do good. I love it when I see people make up for their mistakes and go beyond their own obstacles. I love it when people be nothing but good, in both action and in heart, towards one another. Would I like it if I knew I could fully entrust myself to people no matter what? Yes, I would. But I know that is not the reality.
After talking with one member, I have felt just enough to want to express my side to the linkshell. I am not doing this with high hopes that I will be believed. I am doing this out of a feeble heart and mind. Up until this point, I was dedicated to the stance that I wouldn't bother wasting my time telling people stuff when they wouldn't believe me because they're stuck on what one side said and won't even allow the other side a chance.
This past December, Aimie stayed with me for two weeks in my home with my family, and then we all went on that 3-week vacation to my relatives in Mexico. When we returned, we returned to a shell that was in trouble. We were told that people weren't getting the help they've been asking for, that no one was really on the forum, things were a mess. So we went and did the same thing we always did since we started this shell. We helped the members who let us know their needs. Of course, I could only do this up until a couple weeks later when I had to get back into the projects for school. But if I knew that someone needed help, which is why I need the forums until I finish school, and I was actually at home and not school, I would try to be there. There were a couple of members who had a number of needs. They weren't just wants. One of these members personally told us that he was considering quitting the shell because, while we were gone, that member wasn't getting help. I am so glad this member decided not to leave.
So Aimie and I were just helping people who came to us. We were told we were picking favorites then, and that we always defended those favorites. We didn't pick favorites, please just look through the various topics where we mentioned we would try to help. The particular members who later made us know they thought we were picking favorites also had requests on the forum that we responded to. But for some reason, in one of their more important events, they decided to start without us. That didn't stop us from offering to do it the second time they would try. They still received things that Zerayla was helping on as well.
As for myself, too many people have called me a failure of an example. They wouldn't deny that Zer was helping others, but that I was a different case. This really bothered me when I was told that, but I don't easily give in to frustration. I just explain my situation, and from what I've noticed, that information hasn't really been known to everyone. The fact that I would have to explain it again to others made it more bothering, but I wouldn't deny the possibility that not everyone catches everything. I'm not going to go into that again, it was already mentioned on another rather heated topic.
Well, one day one of our members told us what this member had heard. When this member was no longer held restricted by a confidential matter, this member talked to Zerayla. This happened after the time that a portion of one of Kirameki's post was removed because I was not going to allow someone to slip an insult in through the guise of supposed good intention. Kirameki then defied this by reposting that section, but turned the dial down on the insult. But that dial was not turned all the way down, as it should have been, so it was again deleted. After that was deleted, he proceeded to make a topic trying to put Zerayla and I in public view of the linkshell as if to incite something. This was unacceptable, but we just locked the topic. If a person has an issue with the decision of another, it should be discussed privately in respect to the other party. Doing it in public only serves to put someone in the bad spotlight.
As for what we were told that Kirameki was doing in secret along with other members was that they made fun of us and called us names. Why this group did that, we did not fully know at the time. From what I have been told by another member, it was most likely linked to their idea that we were picking favorites, which meant that they were outside of that circle. Part of the reason it is claimed that we picked favorites, I was told, is because we defended these members. Well if you were us, just returning from a trip and finding that most of your own LS members can't help themselves when you're not around, we just helped those members. If someone is not being helped, it's not really fair in our eyes for others to say something against those people for complaining that they don't get help. This is something we were told by one of the removed members. My stance is that people would have no reason to complain if their complaints are being addressed. That simple. If their complaints are valid, meaning that they are true, then they are entitled to their feelings. And those complaints were true. If you don't help a person, and then that person complains (without really naming people) that they aren't getting help, then are you in no position to hold a grudge against that person.
So did we defend them when it came to that? Yes. But did we pick favorites? No. One of these members who was disliked by the others went through something similar in the past. When Myrrh would talk about some gear of his, this member would get an attitude about it. We talked privately to this member that there is no need to be mad with someone if nothing is being directed at you. If a person wants to brag, but is not doing it at a person, but just voicing themselves, they are doing nobody any harm. Though we did ask Myrrh to lessen his bragging in respect to this other member, we kept telling this other member to let go of getting upset so easily when it has nothing to do with this member. One of the members who was removed also said that we were picking favorites for this member because in the past month, we were supposedly not doing the same for another member. But again, we were not doing it out of favoritism. We had reasons behind it. For the member that we were claimed to be biased for, most of this member's issues arose out of something that was taken to a personal level. The complaints arose out of things that actually dealt with people. When this member expressed their complaint, we did ask the other party to tone down, but we still continued to tell this member to stop taking it to a personal level when it's not intended that way. As for the member who we were claimed to not defend as a favorite, the member's complaints dealt with matters that were clearly not related to the players behind the characters. This member had complaints when other members utilized their liberty to speak about something that boils down to a fact sheet. Less vaguely, the complaint was about others making fun of a class in the game. We told this member that it has nothing to do with him as a person, so there is really no reason to be taking offense to anything. If people dislike or joke about something as a result of something that is based on fact sheets and data (yes, damage parsing in FFXI), then it should not be taken to a personal level. This member has still expressed the same feelings though, and this member has asked that particular members quit the jokes about a job. One of those members did include myself, and we did consent to his request after seeing just how attached this member was to the issue.
As for what we were told about what Kirameki has been calling Aimie and me (Aimie for physical judgments, and me for demeanor reasons), we decided that we would remove Kirameki for the all the transgressions he has made. It was intentionally seeking to raise arguments over the use of the forum, calling it useless and such. It was for defying the removal of an insult, for creating a topic seeking to incite another dilemma by creating a topic to put Aimie and me in the spotlight because of the removal of his second reposting that was in defiance. Then it was all topped off by the negative comments he makes. When he was removed, Zerayla had a discussion with him in which he revealed that the other members participated in the same thing as he did. When we discovered this, we couldn't really get ourselves to confront them about it to remove them. It took a little more for us to do that. And more came. After Kirameki was removed, a member notified us about their dissident behavior. Two of the other removed members, Kelga and Josudes, have been given pearlsacks in the past. From what this member told us, they conspired to foil any attempts we would try to make by giving Kirameki more pearls, calling our reasons for his removals as "bullshit". Apparently, they did the same for themselves, and logically so, in fear of removal for giving Kirameki pearls back despite his removal. To this day, we know this is true, because some members report to us the instances in which Kirameki would randomly pop into the shell, make some snide comment, and then immediately take off his shell. With this, we decided we would confront the others about it as well as what they've already been doing and saying.
It was when we found this out that we then understood why they must have been going in and out of shell in the past weeks. The fact that this has already been happening shows that the attitudes against us have been there for a while, which must relate back to our return when we started helping members, thus disliking us for helping those whom they disliked for complaining about not receiving help. They were making it hard for us to take action.
When I was finally able to get into contact with who I will say was the leader of the group, I asked him to assess the truth about what Kirameki told us. He revealed that it was true, rather brazenly. So based on what we were told, which was that he participated in the insult party and thwarting our removal of Kirameki, we removed him as well as the others who were all in on it together.
There was one member among them of who I will not deny I did not try to assail, as he posted parts of the chat between me and him. This is not typical of me. Remember how I said that I don't trust people too much? Well this member was someone who I actually believed at one point about calling Aimie and I one of his best friends. We talked with him on voice chat before, and he would share with us his life issues and such. He's share some of his more emotional moments, too, which is when I started really believing him. But then he started changing his attitude towards us, and was telling us that we were the ones who changed, but would occasionally interrogate Aimie about being "stuck-up" as was one of the exact words. If you're going to look down on me for having taken it to a personal level, then be free to do so. I know I don't do it often, so I don't feel any proud about it. I wanted at least him to feel guilty about it, that he would turn on people he once called his best friends who have done nothing against him. Call me biased or whatever, I don't care. I knew him at a time where it seemed like he wanted to help himself with his life, was seeing what was right and what was wrong, where he too believed in a higher being. It pleased me to see that he could do that for himself. I could only do so much living 3/4ths across the country from him. But then he started returning to his old habits and attitudes... That's all I'll say, it's not my privilege to speak everything about his life, but I was aware of what was going on in his life at one point. As any human being, it affected me personally that he changed so suddenly towards us. It really, really disappoints me that he was the one who went and made a topic on a flameboard about it. My trust for him has bombed back down to zero. I would have to see something really sincere looking if he wants to make up for having done that. I wouldn't deny him the chance entirely, it'll just be harder for me to believe him if he wants to go back to how things were without doing it all over again.
This is my side of the story. And if you wanted something more human than I usually provide, you just got it. But this doesn't mean that my distrust has gone away. Only the reasons I took for having no need to want to explain anything have been taken down for this. My opinions about them have only been cemented by the fact that while they were conspiring and insulting in secret about us, while we were not aware, they were benefiting from what has been provided to them. The optical hat run was coming up, and they were trying to gather eyes for a pop. Aimie was in the eye farming group, in which they were being procured for the very members who did not like us. Aimie even, on one day went out on her own to farm eyes for Josudes and Reiyn by herself since they were unable to attend the prior farming days. Taking advantage of people is something I adamantly oppose. I have seen and known stories of this myself (like my cousins without baby daddies for example), including a recent one in which a person I have high regards for has experienced recently.
I think that's all I can remember to say at this point. It's been a lot, so I'll go ahead with posting this.
