I need help...

Enlenne

Enlenne

Doesn't like cheese
Adventurer
Joined
Jul 17, 2006
Messages
550
Age
35
Website
enlenneffxi.blogspot.com
Main Job
Bard-Female
Secondary Job
Samurai-Female
Third Job
WhiteMage-Female
I don't really know why I'm posting here, I hate posting my emonic whining, but I dunno what to do. I'm scared.

This is something I haven't talked to anyone about, partly coz whenever I start talking, it seems like people stop listening.

But I've been having bad thoughts lately. Suicide thoughts.

Yeah, okay, common in teenagers to think about that stuff, right? Yeah, normally. But I have never thought like this before, and I'm really scaring myself.

I've been extremely depressed for over 6-7 years, and in all that time I've never had thoughts like this. I always told myself to be optimistic and that I can't ever do things like that ever.

I'm also really sick right now. I dunno what it is, I'll get tested for this-and-that soon, it's lasted all summer though. The more sick I get, the more depressed I get, and the more thoughts I have.

My life is in a shit-hole right now and I've lost all my rl friends in some way. So I can't really talk to anyone.

I went in counseling before, I hated it. She tried to veer everything to my dad, which is bull. To shrinks, does everything have to be blamed on the parents?? My dad is a crappy dad, but I don't care.

So I don't wanna deal with another counselor.

I don't know what I'm asking, really. But I'm scared that I'm actually having these type of thoughts.

I'm sick of being like this. What do I do?
 
I'm not sure how old you are, but I had a time period where I got really depressed and I barely left my house at all. I've mostly come out of it now, but it did last for a number of years. I was really irritable and snapped at people a lot.

Have you been on any medication for depression? Some will cause suicidal thoughts for a while until you adjust.

As for being sick, what kind of sick? Just not feeling well or is it more complex than that?

I know what it's like to have people stop listening, but I want you to know you can always talk to me. Feel free to PM me and we can talk there or I can give you some other ways to contact me.
 
Lyrai said:
I'm not sure how old you are, but I had a time period where I got really depressed and I barely left my house at all. I've mostly come out of it now, but it did last for a number of years. I was really irritable and snapped at people a lot.

Have you been on any medication for depression? Some will cause suicidal thoughts for a while until you adjust.

As for being sick, what kind of sick? Just not feeling well or is it more complex than that?

I know what it's like to have people stop listening, but I want you to know you can always talk to me. Feel free to PM me and we can talk there or I can give you some other ways to contact me.
Click to expand...

I've been on anti-depressants 2 years ago...But I stopped taking them a year ago...

And sick-wise, there's something up in my stomach or something....I'm not sure, coz my doctor hasn't told me.
She suspects either a virus or an ulcer, though...

Thank you for your words, though.
 
Lord knows I just want to say "Don't cry emo kid."
Buttttttttttttt I don't see Ruffy around. /grin

I'm just nosy myself, what's a week for you involve as far as going out or other activities?

What do you do with your free time when not playing FFXI so you don't dwell on things?

Don't isolate yourself. Be social a couple times a week. I really don't have much to say, not knowing what your life is like myself but...

Talking can help, but not like you feel like pouring your heart and thoughts out to a complete stranger, Doctor/Counselor/New Friend/Whatever...

There's not much of a "cure" for what goes through your head in terms of thoughts, there's just what you do with them and what you do with your life to help have some good memories to stuff in there.

I'd offer meditation and self-reflection up on the table, but too many people laugh at the notion or insert a joke about weed. You'd be surprised what you can learn when you really just have uninterrupted time to think.

Best advice I've got is not to do what most of us do and refrain from acting on such negative thoughts. No matter how bad it gets, there's always a reason to live: Tomorrow.

Tomorrow no matter how bad things are today, always has potential to be better, but you have to seize it and make it happen, should it not flow that way. ;p

You'll find your way, build a support structure of friends, family and new people you can place faith into talking with.

Most importantly, just trust yourself and be honest with what you're feeling and what you're willing to proactively to do make it better. ;O

I'm so talkative when I've been drinking.

- I'mLectasticAren'tI?
 
If you were medicated in the past, how did it work for you? If it was positive, it might be a good time to go back on your prescription. Meds can be helpful in giving you some mental clarity, while other things get figured out.

I understand that you don't want to see the councilor you had in the past, I can very much relate to that. There may be no need to see this person again if you've relied on them to get you your anti-depression medication before. I've known women to get their depression medication from their OBGYN. Not sure if this is right for you, but I'm just throwing it out there..

My heart goes out to you, remember that you're not the only one to ever feel the way you do, and there are plenty who've made it out the other side.
 
Lecreuset said:
I'm so talkative when I've been drinking.

- I'mLectasticAren'tI?
Click to expand...

farkin alchy :crazy:

Lecreuset said:
Lord knows I just want to say "Don't cry emo kid."
Click to expand...

honestly tho whenever someone has a genuine problem in life whether it be heartbreak (>.> <.<) or something like enlennes situation everyone always says "quit being emo" im not yellin at anyone in particluar (lec you emo hating bastard) its just somethin i noticed, its gotten to the point where someone with no "emo backround" is gettin called emo at the first sign of trouble in their lives =/

but i digress

honestly enlenne, like really honest...nothing anyone says is gonna help =( i've been there. but...that depends, if you stubborn like me and dont let anyone in to help then it wont, but if you truly want help then ill say this, put yourself out there, if you've lost all your friends for whatever reason then they truly werent your friends to start with, if they dont stick with you through thick and thin then they arent worth your time. find a boy or a girl to share your heart with, or just connect with them in some way. as hard as it is to do, dont dwell on things, cause i can tell you from personal experience that dwelling on anything, big or small is just a waste of your time, whatever will be will be, and there is, in the worst of fortunes, the best chance for a happy ending
 
It doesnt really help a lot, but the only thing I, or anyone, can really say is wait it out.. You have full control of your own life, and you can choose what to make of it when you want to.

Much like yourself, I also dont have any true real life friends, because I just dont fit in with the 'clique' around here. I also have had these pits of depression in my life, and still do, but I blame it on no one but myself (and one bitch of an ex gf LOL.) My father/siblings were also VERY shitty family members, and I was always caught in the middle. I do not blame them. But anyway, I know I may not fit in with the people around here, mostly because of the level of maturity Ive settled at, which is far above most other peoples Ive met. From talking to you, I think I can assume its the same for you. Ive made some good friends from overseas and such, and Im glad that I did 'meet' them. They dont quite give the same level of satisfaction that a friend in person can give, but they meld with my personality very nicely.

To generalize it all, I would chalk it up to not being able to quite fit in with a group of friends around you. Get those thoughts out of your head, and think positive. I know, its cliche, but its the best solution. Think about your future, and what youre going to do. In times that you dont wanna think about your future, think about something random. Like polar bears in tutu's. Open paint or photoshop, or just get a pen and paper and draw those weird-ass things. I did, quite a few times. Heres a few examples, lol...

An elepharoo:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ruffyreborn/Elepharoo.jpg

Franken-pot pie:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ruffyreborn/misc/DSC01923.jpg

ice cream coon:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ruffyreborn/misc/coon.jpg

I forget what I called this one...
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ruffyreborn/misc/swirl.jpg
 
bad shrinks often dwell on past histories such as bio fathers and crap you really dont care about since it's not really in your life

I dealt with this shit too my parents put me through a few after my car accident to make sure my brains werent addled in the wreck.

Shrinks in general the bad ones I guess dont really know how to solve our problems. The problems I believed I had werent addressed

Have you had any deaths in the family or ones that you still mourn?

Suicidal thoughts are usually related to them, I've had them before once a relative of mine passed away. I shrugged them off eventually.

As mentioned before anti-depressants are pretty addicting and cause more harm than they do good more often than not.

Why do you have suicidal thoughts?
 
I see that people are giving helpful advice, and are expressing general consider for you Enlenne. If you can't talk to people in RL, try talking to some of your friends here or ingame. I'm sure they will drop whatever they are doing and talk to you and keep you company.

Enjoy your time, have fun, and remember the good times in game and RL. Like people said here think positively. Hope all goes well. Take care of yourself.
 
Jediknight said:
I see that people are giving helpful advice, and are expressing general consider for you Enlenne. If you can't talk to people in RL, try talking to some of your friends here or ingame. I'm sure they will drop whatever they are doing and talk to you and keep you company.

Enjoy your time, have fun, and remember the good times in game and RL. Like people said here think positively. Hope all goes well. Take care of yourself.
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Yes this is true. You and I do not know each other very well, Enlenne, but both have a general idea of each other, I think.

Also, even though some people here are complete strangers you havent talked to whatsoever, Im sure they would pay just as much attention as anyone else would, no matter how close you are to them.

So yes! Maybe have a 1 on 1 conversation with someone as well as using this thread.
 
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I've heard from a lot of people that people that play MMOs shouldn't be considered friends, they should be viewed more of as an aquaintance; but now I see that that comment doesn't hold true to everyone. I've met some really fantastic people through FF that relate to me more than people I have met IRL, so with that, I would like to extend my hand in friendship to you.

If you ever have a those negative thoughts creep up on you,..don't hestitate to do a /sea all Avalar. It's more healthy to talk about it than believe that no one really wants to listen. I understand EXACTLY how you feel and I have been there at one point intime, so speaking to me won't be pointless =). Take care of yourself and be safe.
 
Khidir said:
Have you had any deaths in the family or ones that you still mourn?

Suicidal thoughts are usually related to them, I've had them before once a relative of mine passed away. I shrugged them off eventually.
Click to expand...

There hasn't been a family death...but a few weeks ago, someone who used to be a very good friend to me some years ago died in a car accident. That hit me really hard, and come to think of it...alot of the thoughts I've been having came since then.





Jediknight said:
I see that people are giving helpful advice, and are expressing general consider for you Enlenne. If you can't talk to people in RL, try talking to some of your friends here or ingame. I'm sure they will drop whatever they are doing and talk to you and keep you company.

Enjoy your time, have fun, and remember the good times in game and RL. Like people said here think positively. Hope all goes well. Take care of yourself.
Click to expand...

The great thing about this game is that my best friends play. I know I can always talk to them, and that makes me happy--it's still nice, however, to have friends outside the game. It was always Lokelani before she had to move, now I only see her in-game, it makes it harder D:



Ruffyreborn said:
An elepharoo:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ruffyreborn/Elepharoo.jpg

Franken-pot pie:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ruffyreborn/misc/DSC01923.jpg

ice cream coon:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ruffyreborn/misc/coon.jpg

I forget what I called this one...
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/ruffyreborn/misc/swirl.jpg
Click to expand...

Those made me laugh :D





And thank you everyone for trying to help--that itself makes me feel a bit better ^^
 
Just remember that death can hurt... ALOT, and you dont wanna be in an extreme amount of pain do you?

But, just rememeber that suicide can be a very selfish thing to do, and one thing that has helped me before is that i dont want my family / friends being hit with my suicide and causing them all that heartbreak. Just a few words to consider.

edit: Just to clear things up, I know suicide can be seen as selfish and not selfish considering the circumstance, so dont flame me for having a hard headed view, because I dont.
 
I didn't really read anything but the OP, but here is remedy for you.

A lot of people go though what you're going through, a lot of people are assholes and lose the battle. Those people never get to experience life as it is currently; marriage, children, and self fulfillments. It's no rockstar life, but it beats the hell out of bumming it on the streets. Deep down, even though I don't have a clue who you are, I bet you want that too.

Go out with people. If you don't have people now then find new people to go out with. The less you stay indoors the happier you'll be. This is the biggest step.

Do things you'd never do normally. It can start from singing at some lame karaoke bar or having a random one night stand, just do it. The more crazy events that happen in your life, the more you'll want to experience more of it.

Find a hobby. Exercise, join a team sport, volunteer at a animal shelter. Again, having a obligation or a routine changes everything.

Overall, other than being somewhat attention grabbing, your fine. Suicide threating and preforming is the most selfish act possible in humanity, so don't be foolish and ruin more peoples lives. You'll get better soon, and then you'll have a blast. Just smile and do something more exciting.
 
exodusamphi said:
The only problem with that, is people with certain morals can find themselves distraught after an event like that. Just thought i would point that out.
Click to expand...

I definitely agree with that, but I was going from one extreme to another. Really, what your morals is up to that individual, and when people frown upon others choices it's usually the people who are weak minded and spineless who'd only mention their opinion than actually try that alternative.

Meaning I believe one night stands are amazing when you have two cooperating individuals, who have the strength to live in that reality.
 
Tok said:
honestly enlenne, like really honest...nothing anyone says is gonna help =( i've been there. but...that depends, if you stubborn like me and dont let anyone in to help then it wont, but if you truly want help then ill say this, put yourself out there, if you've lost all your friends for whatever reason then they truly werent your friends to start with, if they dont stick with you through thick and thin then they arent worth your time. find a boy or a girl to share your heart with, or just connect with them in some way. as hard as it is to do, dont dwell on things, cause i can tell you from personal experience that dwelling on anything, big or small is just a waste of your time, whatever will be will be, and there is, in the worst of fortunes, the best chance for a happy ending
Click to expand...

She/he has already put her/himself out there. She/he just publicly did a reach out, so he/she would most likely take all the help he/she can get.
 
Yeah, I'm not sure how old you are or what's going on in your life, but maybe I can relate to you somehow.

My senior year of high school was, I guess you could say, just the most awesome part of my life. Now, I can probably already tell you're all like, "that's nothing similar; what's your point?" Just hold on with me, I'm getting there. I had a hard time deciding where I wanted to go for school the following year. A friend of mine who lives in Canada jokingly recommended going to a school nearby her, and long story short I applied to Queen's University and moved up there. The whole process of applying to a foreign school, most especially without the aid of anyone, was such a huge responsibility and quite a large leap from my normal happy-go-lucky life-style I had previously known; it was quite stressful, to put it lightly.

Holy shit. I don't think I was ever more depressed in my entire life. I was so far from home, and when I did call back people didn't really even seem to care much that I was gone. For the most part everyone picked on me (for being the foreign redneck guy, mostly), and even though I knew they were usually joking it hurt a lot, mostly when everyone got drunk (I don't drink). I haven't told anyone this, but I often times just had thoughts of ending it all. But ya'know, something about me told me to just go on. This is kind of hard to tell someone to do... but just hold on; you'll make it through it all. People do care about you. Just don't bottle up your feelings; it's a mistake I made and it definitely makes things harder.

Find something that makes you happy! I did not used to listen to a lot of music, but I think O.A.R. and Bon Jovi helped me through those times. I rock out to Bon Jovi on a daily basis now, and if you don't believe me ask Willian. If you want to go that route just make sure it's a positive reinforcement; I seriously doubt death metal or something will help much.
 
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Antor said:
I rock out to Bon Jovi on a daily basis now.
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I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride...

I'm wanted...

Dead or aliiiiiiive.

- Lec
 
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