This is a long long long read. Please, no "TLDR" shit.
I say i need to put this into writing but i don't even think i know how to. This past week has been...crazy. As of now, i am out of my house. I am currently living in California Berkley with my boyfriend. A few days ago i got into an argument with my mother which put me into a panic attack. The panic attack was not induced by the one argument. Prior to it i had surpressed all the things my mother had said to me. All the, "you are the cause of our marital problems", "Dad is having a hard time accepting you." "I can't sleep at night because of you" "You are going to hell". All of those i had suppressed and never let them out. After my mom told me all these things she would apologize right away and say how sorry she was. She did this many times. Each time i thought it would be different. Let's back track some.
About a month ago i was out in California seeing my old boyfriend at the time. During that time out there i was introduced to his friend, who is also gay. His name was Will. I am not the type to believe in love at first sight. But after the past month i have accapted the fact it is possible. After the first conversation Will and I had, i knew he was someone special. During the 2 days him and i were supposed to be in company with one another, the attraction between the two of us grew larger and larger. I ended up falling for him. Will and I just clicked. I remember always telling my best friend Adam how i wanted to date myself, so i could know what him/I wanted. I have now found that. I have never been in a better relationship than i am right now. Will and I both decided that long distance is not for us, even with us saying this, we contined to talk and talk and talk. Now, when i had told Alex (ex boyfriend) i had feelings he left. We were at Will's apartment for a gay party lol. It was Alex, Will and a kid named Brew who really is not important in this. So, after i had told Alex that i had feelings for Will, he left. That left Will and I with 3 days together. In those 3 days i got to really know him. I found he is someone i wanted to be with. Him and I at this moment are VERY happy and VERY in love.
Now, last Friday i was coming out here to see Will to spend the weekend with him. Well, i got into an argument with my mom. She has it in her mind that i am addicted to people and being in relationships. She thinks this because when i had broken up with my first boyfriend Justin, i went to Alex, then after Alex i went to Will. Now, i waited 2 months before i started to date Alex after Justin. I don't see how that is jumping from one to another. Now, The transitoin from Alex to Will was COMPLETLY different in my opinion. He wasn't a rebound, he was just a better match for me. My mom does not seem to understand this fact.
Prior to the trip to see Will last weekend my doctor had taken me off my SSRI (anti-depressent meds) so i could start a new one. Now, for people who do not know about SSRI withdraw symptoms, they are very serious. My doctor didn't think that dropping me completely off my SSRI would effect me. Well, 4 days after being off the drug, i started having muscle spasms. That is a direct effect of SSRI withdraw. After the spasm had happened i tried frantically to get ahold of my doctor, which i couldn't which scared me REALLY BAD. The one time i needed to talk to my doctor he wasn't there, so that already put me on edge. My mom had called later and she could tell there was something in my voice, right away the first thing she says is, "Jamie, you need to stop jumping, you are using Will, you have an addiction" This put me into a very depressed state. Now, being off an SSRI it is very easy to slip into depressed states, even over time things. When my mom made comments like that i could normally shrug them off, but i couldn't this time. I was able to get past it and surpress it. Mind you it took Xanax (Anti-Anxiety Med) to get me over it.
I got passed that, explained to her the reason i was uneasy on the phone was because of my doctor situation and not being able to get ahold of him. She just said, "No, you are wrong it is about you not liking Will." I wanted to hang up, but i just told her no, your wrong. Then came the day to leave. Will lives about 25 minutes away from the airport. My plane left at 9:40 AM. We left at 8AM which we both thought would be PLENTLY of time to get to the airport. Well, we didn;t know that there was ridiculous traffic getting to the airport. Then, once i got there at 9:15 i got stuck in fucking security. Now, i have been in airports many a times, and never have i had to wait more than 10 minutes in security, i ended up being in the line for 30 minutes. So, after i got out of security i had 5 minutes to run ot my gate, which of course was at the furthest terminal, i am running into people just trying to get to the gate. I get there...and they closed the fucking door WHEN I GOT TO THE GATE. They had given up my seat because i didn't make it in time. This is what my mom had to say after i explained the lenghts i went to try and get on the flight, "You did it on purpose! WHAT THE FUCK JAMIE! Don't give me this shit on how you tried, you wanted to miss the flight!" Awesome thing to come to after missing your flight home right? Well, i had been rebooked for a flight that left 2 hours later so it really wasn't that big of a deal, but according to my mom it was. All and in she blammed me for construction, traffic, and security lines. I got over it, that is how she acts, so yet again, i surpress the emotions of anger and sadness... Now, the flight i was booked on got fucking cancelled due to weather in Baltimore. Now, I was using a reward ticket to see Will, and with United they only have a set amount of Reward seats per flight. Now, I couldn't get on a flight until 7:30PM the next day. One reason being it was a reward ticket and 2, is that TWO flights to Baltimore from ORD got canceled. Now, that is 350 people trying to rebook at get to Baltimore. There was no way in hell i was getting home that day. I was able to confirm a seat on the 7:30 flight. Now, i explained all of this to my mother, the reward ticket, all the rebookings everything. Well, like she LOVES to do, she doesn't tell my dad everything. I get a voicemail from my dad, WHILE AT FUCKING DINNER WITH WILLS Family saying word for word, "Jamie, i don't know what the fuck you are trying to pull but it is fucking rediculous that you couldn;t get home before 11PM. It is obvious that you just didn't try to get something sooner. Enjoy your time with Will, when you come home you are coming home to hell." Now, i called my dad after this and explained to him the situation, then after he heard it all he said, "Oh christ, that makes complete sense". I love how my mom just forgot to tell my dad about the rebookings and the reward ticket restrictions. Now, being off the SSRI this put me into a panic state even after my dad said sorry. My household is already uncomfortable for me to live in with having to deal with two people who do not accept me for who i am. Now, we get home dinner and i just fall apart. All the things my mom said to me, the "Never come homes", the "you are going to hells" They all hit me at once. I could not breath, my heart started to hurt, i couldn't get control of my emotions, my head was racing, everything i thought of would just lead in me killing myself. Will gave me a mg of xanax, which is a lot. Didn't do anything. He decided to take me to the hospital, on the way to the hospital i still was not able to control myself. I ended up passing out in the car ride, and then waking up in the garage of the hospital, and i had no idea how i had gotten there, which then added MORE anxiety to me. I ended up staying in the hospital for four hours until i was stable to go home. Mind you, i did the pass out, wake up thing about 10 times in the hospital.
So, we had gotten home from the hospital around 2 am, and i was just so rained i slept for 12 hours. It was at this time i had a sit down with Will's parents who are amazing. It was decided that it was not safe for me to go home beacuse i could easily slip into another panic attack and maybe when that happens noone will be there to help me. So, I made the decision to stay here with Will. I called my dad, but sadly he didn't answer so i had to deal with my mom and said, "Mom, I am not coming home tonight. Last night i spent 4 hours in the hospital because of a panic attack and i do not feel safe coming home" She completly lost it and said if i was not home it was over, she was done with me. She started yelling so i took the advice of my doctors and hung up. I told her to call me when she was going to talk calmly. I don't think she understood that i couldn't come home to that enviorment. That happened on Tuesday, and i have not talked to my parents since then, nor have they tried to call me.
As of right now, i am safe. I am with Will and his family and they are so amazing. They have basically accepted me as a son. Now, Will is leaving on saturday to head back to school, he is taking summer classes. I have decided to go with him. His parents made a deal with me. They said if i pay for food that they will take care of everything else. Once out there i plan to get a job, which at Berkley around this time shouldn't be to hard. I also have 1k saved in the bank that only i can touch. So i am pretty much set as for that.
So here i am, 19 living with my boyfriend and just getting by. I am still very on edge and need medical help from head doctors. Problem there is...how can i pay for that help? It was decided that i need to contact my dad. Here is what i would like to say;
"Dear Dad,
I am not out here running away from my problems, i am here to face them head on, i have a mental illness that i need to take care of. I do not feel as if i can do that back in maryland. As of right now i am in a enviorment where i feel safe. I am getting a job out here and Wills parents are allowing me to stay with Will, rent free. The only think i need to do it pay for food, and as you know i don't eat much anyway so that isn't a huge problem. Now, I would like nothing more than to be able to come home. I love where we live, I love you and i love Mom, i love our house, it is my home. This is me now asking for you help to get me home. I need medical help, and i would like to seek it out. The only thing i am asking for is your support to get me the help i need, nothing else."
I have not sent this to him, it isn't even close to being done. So, all in all the point of this thread is to help me write an email to my dad asking for support in finding a doctor. Also, just to get peoples opinions on the situation. I know it is a lot and it may be unorganized and shit but sorry. I tried my best, so please bare with me on it. All reponses are welcome.
Please just help me guys.
I say i need to put this into writing but i don't even think i know how to. This past week has been...crazy. As of now, i am out of my house. I am currently living in California Berkley with my boyfriend. A few days ago i got into an argument with my mother which put me into a panic attack. The panic attack was not induced by the one argument. Prior to it i had surpressed all the things my mother had said to me. All the, "you are the cause of our marital problems", "Dad is having a hard time accepting you." "I can't sleep at night because of you" "You are going to hell". All of those i had suppressed and never let them out. After my mom told me all these things she would apologize right away and say how sorry she was. She did this many times. Each time i thought it would be different. Let's back track some.
About a month ago i was out in California seeing my old boyfriend at the time. During that time out there i was introduced to his friend, who is also gay. His name was Will. I am not the type to believe in love at first sight. But after the past month i have accapted the fact it is possible. After the first conversation Will and I had, i knew he was someone special. During the 2 days him and i were supposed to be in company with one another, the attraction between the two of us grew larger and larger. I ended up falling for him. Will and I just clicked. I remember always telling my best friend Adam how i wanted to date myself, so i could know what him/I wanted. I have now found that. I have never been in a better relationship than i am right now. Will and I both decided that long distance is not for us, even with us saying this, we contined to talk and talk and talk. Now, when i had told Alex (ex boyfriend) i had feelings he left. We were at Will's apartment for a gay party lol. It was Alex, Will and a kid named Brew who really is not important in this. So, after i had told Alex that i had feelings for Will, he left. That left Will and I with 3 days together. In those 3 days i got to really know him. I found he is someone i wanted to be with. Him and I at this moment are VERY happy and VERY in love.
Now, last Friday i was coming out here to see Will to spend the weekend with him. Well, i got into an argument with my mom. She has it in her mind that i am addicted to people and being in relationships. She thinks this because when i had broken up with my first boyfriend Justin, i went to Alex, then after Alex i went to Will. Now, i waited 2 months before i started to date Alex after Justin. I don't see how that is jumping from one to another. Now, The transitoin from Alex to Will was COMPLETLY different in my opinion. He wasn't a rebound, he was just a better match for me. My mom does not seem to understand this fact.
Prior to the trip to see Will last weekend my doctor had taken me off my SSRI (anti-depressent meds) so i could start a new one. Now, for people who do not know about SSRI withdraw symptoms, they are very serious. My doctor didn't think that dropping me completely off my SSRI would effect me. Well, 4 days after being off the drug, i started having muscle spasms. That is a direct effect of SSRI withdraw. After the spasm had happened i tried frantically to get ahold of my doctor, which i couldn't which scared me REALLY BAD. The one time i needed to talk to my doctor he wasn't there, so that already put me on edge. My mom had called later and she could tell there was something in my voice, right away the first thing she says is, "Jamie, you need to stop jumping, you are using Will, you have an addiction" This put me into a very depressed state. Now, being off an SSRI it is very easy to slip into depressed states, even over time things. When my mom made comments like that i could normally shrug them off, but i couldn't this time. I was able to get past it and surpress it. Mind you it took Xanax (Anti-Anxiety Med) to get me over it.
I got passed that, explained to her the reason i was uneasy on the phone was because of my doctor situation and not being able to get ahold of him. She just said, "No, you are wrong it is about you not liking Will." I wanted to hang up, but i just told her no, your wrong. Then came the day to leave. Will lives about 25 minutes away from the airport. My plane left at 9:40 AM. We left at 8AM which we both thought would be PLENTLY of time to get to the airport. Well, we didn;t know that there was ridiculous traffic getting to the airport. Then, once i got there at 9:15 i got stuck in fucking security. Now, i have been in airports many a times, and never have i had to wait more than 10 minutes in security, i ended up being in the line for 30 minutes. So, after i got out of security i had 5 minutes to run ot my gate, which of course was at the furthest terminal, i am running into people just trying to get to the gate. I get there...and they closed the fucking door WHEN I GOT TO THE GATE. They had given up my seat because i didn't make it in time. This is what my mom had to say after i explained the lenghts i went to try and get on the flight, "You did it on purpose! WHAT THE FUCK JAMIE! Don't give me this shit on how you tried, you wanted to miss the flight!" Awesome thing to come to after missing your flight home right? Well, i had been rebooked for a flight that left 2 hours later so it really wasn't that big of a deal, but according to my mom it was. All and in she blammed me for construction, traffic, and security lines. I got over it, that is how she acts, so yet again, i surpress the emotions of anger and sadness... Now, the flight i was booked on got fucking cancelled due to weather in Baltimore. Now, I was using a reward ticket to see Will, and with United they only have a set amount of Reward seats per flight. Now, I couldn't get on a flight until 7:30PM the next day. One reason being it was a reward ticket and 2, is that TWO flights to Baltimore from ORD got canceled. Now, that is 350 people trying to rebook at get to Baltimore. There was no way in hell i was getting home that day. I was able to confirm a seat on the 7:30 flight. Now, i explained all of this to my mother, the reward ticket, all the rebookings everything. Well, like she LOVES to do, she doesn't tell my dad everything. I get a voicemail from my dad, WHILE AT FUCKING DINNER WITH WILLS Family saying word for word, "Jamie, i don't know what the fuck you are trying to pull but it is fucking rediculous that you couldn;t get home before 11PM. It is obvious that you just didn't try to get something sooner. Enjoy your time with Will, when you come home you are coming home to hell." Now, i called my dad after this and explained to him the situation, then after he heard it all he said, "Oh christ, that makes complete sense". I love how my mom just forgot to tell my dad about the rebookings and the reward ticket restrictions. Now, being off the SSRI this put me into a panic state even after my dad said sorry. My household is already uncomfortable for me to live in with having to deal with two people who do not accept me for who i am. Now, we get home dinner and i just fall apart. All the things my mom said to me, the "Never come homes", the "you are going to hells" They all hit me at once. I could not breath, my heart started to hurt, i couldn't get control of my emotions, my head was racing, everything i thought of would just lead in me killing myself. Will gave me a mg of xanax, which is a lot. Didn't do anything. He decided to take me to the hospital, on the way to the hospital i still was not able to control myself. I ended up passing out in the car ride, and then waking up in the garage of the hospital, and i had no idea how i had gotten there, which then added MORE anxiety to me. I ended up staying in the hospital for four hours until i was stable to go home. Mind you, i did the pass out, wake up thing about 10 times in the hospital.
So, we had gotten home from the hospital around 2 am, and i was just so rained i slept for 12 hours. It was at this time i had a sit down with Will's parents who are amazing. It was decided that it was not safe for me to go home beacuse i could easily slip into another panic attack and maybe when that happens noone will be there to help me. So, I made the decision to stay here with Will. I called my dad, but sadly he didn't answer so i had to deal with my mom and said, "Mom, I am not coming home tonight. Last night i spent 4 hours in the hospital because of a panic attack and i do not feel safe coming home" She completly lost it and said if i was not home it was over, she was done with me. She started yelling so i took the advice of my doctors and hung up. I told her to call me when she was going to talk calmly. I don't think she understood that i couldn't come home to that enviorment. That happened on Tuesday, and i have not talked to my parents since then, nor have they tried to call me.
As of right now, i am safe. I am with Will and his family and they are so amazing. They have basically accepted me as a son. Now, Will is leaving on saturday to head back to school, he is taking summer classes. I have decided to go with him. His parents made a deal with me. They said if i pay for food that they will take care of everything else. Once out there i plan to get a job, which at Berkley around this time shouldn't be to hard. I also have 1k saved in the bank that only i can touch. So i am pretty much set as for that.
So here i am, 19 living with my boyfriend and just getting by. I am still very on edge and need medical help from head doctors. Problem there is...how can i pay for that help? It was decided that i need to contact my dad. Here is what i would like to say;
"Dear Dad,
I am not out here running away from my problems, i am here to face them head on, i have a mental illness that i need to take care of. I do not feel as if i can do that back in maryland. As of right now i am in a enviorment where i feel safe. I am getting a job out here and Wills parents are allowing me to stay with Will, rent free. The only think i need to do it pay for food, and as you know i don't eat much anyway so that isn't a huge problem. Now, I would like nothing more than to be able to come home. I love where we live, I love you and i love Mom, i love our house, it is my home. This is me now asking for you help to get me home. I need medical help, and i would like to seek it out. The only thing i am asking for is your support to get me the help i need, nothing else."
I have not sent this to him, it isn't even close to being done. So, all in all the point of this thread is to help me write an email to my dad asking for support in finding a doctor. Also, just to get peoples opinions on the situation. I know it is a lot and it may be unorganized and shit but sorry. I tried my best, so please bare with me on it. All reponses are welcome.
Please just help me guys.
