- Joined
- Mar 15, 2005
- Messages
- 3,650
- Age
- 50
- Location
- Delawhere?
- Nation Banner
- Main Job
- Secondary Job
- Third Job
- Server
- Quetzalcoatl
- Linkshell
- PhoenixPimps
- FFXIV
- Raesvelg Helheim
Maybe. I dunno. I'm rather on the fence about the issue.
True to previous form, it seems I can't get an abstract idea out of my head without dredging up something more personal, so screw it. I will continue the trend, and be damned to anyone who complains about it.
By Las Vegas, I obviously mean QCDN/EoSun/Whatever FFXIV server the majority of you all wind up going to. It's not personal; it's not like I don't like you or anything. It's just... oddly stressful for me these days. And sometimes I'm not sure if the stress is worth it.
The past 18 months or so have been... difficult. My own life pretty much fell apart, people around me ran into significant hardships in many cases, and every time I started to feel optimistic about the whole thing, some new bit of horribleness descended upon me or someone I cared about. For the first time in my life I took up drinking (nothing too serious, have no fears) because holy shit, a modest amount of alcohol in my system dissolved that knot of tension between my shoulder blades that had seemingly been there long enough that I'd almost forgotten that there was a time when I wasn't constantly on-edge.
The only consolation, really, has been that the random finger of the karmic shitstorm has so far largely avoided touching anyone else in my immediate family. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, that trend continues.
But anyway.
I do like it here. I enjoy the dialogues, I had fun with quite a few of you in FFXI, and a handful irl, but I'm also regularly reminded of how I felt before things went to hell, and that... gets difficult at times. I bite my tongue a lot, but sometimes I mostly just want to scream. Part of that is on me, of course. It's my nature. One of the things that's always puzzled me about most people is how incredibly... inconstant they are. Me? Not so much. I am constant as the Northern Star (and believe me, it's much more impressive to read in the the original Klingon), and as a result, I stagger along under the emotional wreckage of the previous 34 years, and that shit just keeps getting heavier.
On the up side, my memory works mostly on the basis of mnemonic cues, and by eliminating those cues, I can... well... not exactly lighten the load, but I can shift it around in such a fashion that the pokey bits aren't constantly jabbing me in the spine.
This place, sadly, is one such cue. Hell, this place occasionally conspires to add some new bit of pointy-edged emotional trauma to the pile. Part of the reason that, when I came back to the game, I did not come back to Quetz was to limit the exposure I had to some folks. Sylph, such as it was, was... relatively safe territory, so to speak.
Irony of ironies, I get e-body the day before FFXIV launches, and when it is almost undoubtedly going to be utterly obsolete after the next FFXI patch regardless. But anyway.
There are days when I think how much more relaxing it would be, in some ways, to just log out, erase the link, and never come back. There are a lot of you I'd miss, of course, and I do feel that a good number of you appreciate my presence, which would make it even harder to stay away, but... there are days...
True to previous form, it seems I can't get an abstract idea out of my head without dredging up something more personal, so screw it. I will continue the trend, and be damned to anyone who complains about it.
By Las Vegas, I obviously mean QCDN/EoSun/Whatever FFXIV server the majority of you all wind up going to. It's not personal; it's not like I don't like you or anything. It's just... oddly stressful for me these days. And sometimes I'm not sure if the stress is worth it.
The past 18 months or so have been... difficult. My own life pretty much fell apart, people around me ran into significant hardships in many cases, and every time I started to feel optimistic about the whole thing, some new bit of horribleness descended upon me or someone I cared about. For the first time in my life I took up drinking (nothing too serious, have no fears) because holy shit, a modest amount of alcohol in my system dissolved that knot of tension between my shoulder blades that had seemingly been there long enough that I'd almost forgotten that there was a time when I wasn't constantly on-edge.
The only consolation, really, has been that the random finger of the karmic shitstorm has so far largely avoided touching anyone else in my immediate family. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, that trend continues.
But anyway.
I do like it here. I enjoy the dialogues, I had fun with quite a few of you in FFXI, and a handful irl, but I'm also regularly reminded of how I felt before things went to hell, and that... gets difficult at times. I bite my tongue a lot, but sometimes I mostly just want to scream. Part of that is on me, of course. It's my nature. One of the things that's always puzzled me about most people is how incredibly... inconstant they are. Me? Not so much. I am constant as the Northern Star (and believe me, it's much more impressive to read in the the original Klingon), and as a result, I stagger along under the emotional wreckage of the previous 34 years, and that shit just keeps getting heavier.
On the up side, my memory works mostly on the basis of mnemonic cues, and by eliminating those cues, I can... well... not exactly lighten the load, but I can shift it around in such a fashion that the pokey bits aren't constantly jabbing me in the spine.
This place, sadly, is one such cue. Hell, this place occasionally conspires to add some new bit of pointy-edged emotional trauma to the pile. Part of the reason that, when I came back to the game, I did not come back to Quetz was to limit the exposure I had to some folks. Sylph, such as it was, was... relatively safe territory, so to speak.
Irony of ironies, I get e-body the day before FFXIV launches, and when it is almost undoubtedly going to be utterly obsolete after the next FFXI patch regardless. But anyway.
There are days when I think how much more relaxing it would be, in some ways, to just log out, erase the link, and never come back. There are a lot of you I'd miss, of course, and I do feel that a good number of you appreciate my presence, which would make it even harder to stay away, but... there are days...
