Love dilemna...advice?

chrishj19

chrishj19

Airship Passenger
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At this point, I'm looking for any advice at all...but please be serious...not a joking matter for me. Heres the story:

Ive known this girl a little over 4 years now. We dated for the first 3 years then broke up. We broke up because she is adopted and has a lot of issues with that and couldnt handle a relationship at the time. I respected that and was still her friend and support. I fell in love with her.
During this past year however, found out she secretly had a kinda relationship with this other guy. Of course it hurt, and the guy was quite insane. Girls parents hated him, for good reason, he was quite a controlling and scary guy, and set a restraining order and all that. I of course was very hurt that she did this, but she was single technically. Also the guy hated me just because he knew how good friends I am with the girl. Threatened me on the phone and in my car almost got me in an accident.
Well the kid went off to military school, and me and the girl became really good friends and were really close. No relationship though because she is still having a really lot of her own problems with life. About a month ago, he came back for a few weeks. The girl told me it would be best and safest if me and her didnt talk during this time. I found out from her parents that she saw him and talked to him a lot during this time. I was very hurt yet again. She started getting in bad shape, very sick and such so her mom took her away, to the beach at FL (we live in NC) for 3 weeks.
We did not talk during this time, nor did she talk to the other guy. She comes home like a week ago, and tells her parents shes gonna call me, they warn her to make sure she knows whats she doing as not too hurt me so bad again. She said if the other guy couldnt accept her being friends with me then she would ditch him. She calls and says she misses me and wants to be my friend again.
Being in love with her, I accept and see her and we have lotsa fun together. Today, she tells me that the other guy left her a voicemail. I tell her that hurts, and she says she wants to be friends with both of us. I say thats too hard because of the past and my feelings for her. She says its unfair for her to pick between us, and since im such a softie I say I'll just continue to be her friend and deal with the pain alone...
I just dont know what to do....Im in love with her and I cant stop seeing or talking to her. Its just too hard I have tried. But at the same time I love being with her but it would be so hard knowing shes doing the same thing with this other guy..... advice?? anything help? :(

sry for the long post...I shortened it as much as I could..
 
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;_;

Aw man, I feel for you. >_< Sadly, there is no good solution to your problem, from what I've read. Whether it be her personal problems, or that other guy interfering, it doesn't look like it's going to end with you and her being together as a couple. Love hurts so much, eh? Sorry man. :(
 
Luffy said:
Aw man, I feel for you. >_< Sadly, there is no good solution to your problem, from what I've read. Whether it be her personal problems, or that other guy interfering, it doesn't look like it's going to end with you and her being together as a couple. Love hurts so much, eh? Sorry man. :(
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Yeah I feel like too much has happened for it to end any good...but I still cant accept it or stop talking to her..I just cant do it.
 
damn man that is a jacked up situation. it might seem hard but your best bet it to just forget about this girl. you literally have entered the friend zone to her and it seems she is wanting to date this other guy. for all you know this guy is the reason she broke up with you all the while saying she wasn't able to handle a relationship hence the reason she hid it from ya that entire time and why she decided not to talk to you the entire time that other guy was down. just that right there shows she has already chosen that guy over you.
 
You know, I feel for ya. I do.

Tonic hit the nail on the head. As much as it may pain you to do so, it'd be best for you to get over her, and move on. Just cut all contact with her.

I can relate to you on that, because as hard as it may seem to do, I've done it with my ex fiance. I totally cut off my contact with her, and it helped me not think about her anymore. Of course, this was a long time ago, but still.

In any case, hope you feel better bub.
 
tonicfly said:
damn man that is a jacked up situation. it might seem hard but your best bet it to just forget about this girl. you literally have entered the friend zone to her and it seems she is wanting to date this other guy. for all you know this guy is the reason she broke up with you all the while saying she wasn't able to handle a relationship hence the reason she hid it from ya that entire time and why she decided not to talk to you the entire time that other guy was down. just that right there shows she has already chosen that guy over you.
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theres a lot I didnt mention as I didnt want the post to be too big. Me and him have entered the friend zone now is she honestly cant handle a relationship right now. However she has said she has feelings for both of us. She did not meet this guy until about 7 months after we broke up so that isnt the reason. She hid it from me and from her parents because she knew he wouldnt be accepted. As he wasnt. She also hid him as it was one of her personal problems, being adopted she is stuck on always feeling like she isnt wanted and tends to lie just to feel like she isnt wanted. She doesnt do it on purpose, it just happens. She is very upfront and honest now though, she has been in therapy for over a year too.
She realized she didnt treat the situation when the guy came down right and talked about how she did it wrong. She did not want to talk to me as she did not want trouble between me and the guy. She has not chosen the guy over me, she has not chosen either of us and does not want to chose. She wants both of us to be her friend and knows nothing about the future. She has feelings for both of us, but cant manage to express them at this time.
Sorry theres just so much to this its hard to get all the important facts down without writing 20 pages.
 
tonicfly said:
it might seem hard but your best bet it to just forget about this girl. you literally have entered the friend zone to her and it seems she is wanting to date this other guy.
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QFT


Unless you are willing to put yourself through more pain for a slim chance, then keep trying. Honestly though, as long as your in her pocket, she's gonna string you along and your going to get the raw deal. Forget about her, and if it was meant to be, then she'll come back.
 
Honestly man, I'd give up if I were you. I mean, unless you're very determined, it seems like you and her aren't meant to be. And say that you two did become a couple, imagine what the other guy would do. Either way, from a personal ideal atleast, it's not worth it.

But hey, that's my opinion. I mean, you'll still be close friends with her and ya never know. Things can sometimes just happen unexpectedly. She has got to be very lucky that she has someone, like yourself, who is helping keep her on her feet, and supporting her during this dilema.
 
You only learn from your own mistakes, and noone can tell you what to do because its human nature to gather info and conduct expirements to see if what was said was the truth. I can, however, tell you that if you cut off all relations with this girl, in the long run it may benefit you but harm her. Ive been considered the "nice guy" and sometimes it bothers me, because I know it means no relationship for me, so i can somewhat relate to your situation.

If you left her alone and forgot about her, she might be crushed and say she liked you blah blah blah (most chicks do that anyway when its too late and never say anything). Yet if you close yourself to only her, some perfection to you might walk past you and you wont even notice. You might miss out on the love of your life in comparison to this pseudo-love you are friends with at this time. If she cant handle a relationship, respect it and focus elsewhere. Chicks will use guys at any given opportunity if they are insecure and problematic. All guys are commonly misconceived as that way, but it doesnt rule out the possibility that girls can be as well.

In a personal experience, ive ridden some girl's coat tail every chance she asked for me back, and every time it ended with her saying it isnt working out. Unintentional evil is still evil regardless, so don't let her get to you.
 
It sounds to me like this girl wants the best of both worlds. She has feelings for both of you, yet only wants to be friends to not hurt either of you. She started talking to this guy yet doesn't want to go anywhere with him. She went out with you yet doesn't want to now because of this other guy. I understand her not wanting to hurt anyone, but in a situation like this thats how its going to inevitably end up. If you seriously still have feelings for this girl, your best bet is to cut yourself off enough to not be hurt if she doesn't choose you. There's not a whole lot you can do in your situation other than break yourself off from her.

I really feel for you dude. I was in the same situation about 2 years ago.
 
Don't give up. If I didn't fight for the girl I love, I wouldn't be with her now. I don't get how everyone can say give up on your love. It's so depressing.
 
I'm marking the date that lan made a serious post taht wasn't about him buying gil.

I didn't say for him to give up, I'm saying that eventually she's gonna pick someone to be with, and if its not him, thats not his fault. It would be a bitchy thing to do, since he's been there for her every time she needed him, but with love nothings ever fair. Its depressing, but like lan and I (kinda) said, don't give up. I empathize with lan in that if I gave up on my gf I wouldn't be with her either. The most you can do is keep trying, but sooner or later she's gonna pick and you might have to live with the fact that it might not be you, dude.
 
Suragata said:
You only learn from your own mistakes, and noone can tell you what to do because its human nature to gather info and conduct expirements to see if what was said was the truth. I can, however, tell you that if you cut off all relations with this girl, in the long run it may benefit you but harm her. Ive been considered the "nice guy" and sometimes it bothers me, because I know it means no relationship for me, so i can somewhat relate to your situation.

If you left her alone and forgot about her, she might be crushed and say she liked you blah blah blah (most chicks do that anyway when its too late and never say anything). Yet if you close yourself to only her, some perfection to you might walk past you and you wont even notice. You might miss out on the love of your life in comparison to this pseudo-love you are friends with at this time. If she cant handle a relationship, respect it and focus elsewhere. Chicks will use guys at any given opportunity if they are insecure and problematic. All guys are commonly misconceived as that way, but it doesnt rule out the possibility that girls can be as well.
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she told her mom that she loves me. I talked to her tonight, we are gonna still talk and such but not much, she needs to focus on school. She took a year off after high school because of her problems, and she is planning on getting into college now. She also is getting a new adoption therapist. She told me tonight how bad seh felt for putting me back into this and doesnt want us to be like this and she loves me and all, I told her to focus on getting school back together, then me.
I dont know what the deal is with the other guy. She is going to tell him, next they talk that she still loves me and see how he takes it. If he doesnt like it then she said shes gonna tell him to leave. But the guy is a maniac so he probably wont leave anyway. I left the phone calling to her, and for her to call me when she has time around her schooling, work, therapy and her personal trainer.
I am determined to getting through this with her, so like lan said, I'm not giving up, and I'm not gonna move on yet. Shes one of a kind and my life is empty without her, I'm in love and more determined then I ever have before....Im gonna get through this with her! ^^

sry, I know this thread is kinda pointless for ppl....just nice to get my thoughts down.
 
No no, lan has a gf. I know because no self-respecting single guy would have that much porn of that kind in a HIDDEN folder. Lan takes love seriously. Except when it comes to kink.
 
Here is my 2 sense, take it how you will: She is using her adoption as a crutch. I'm sorry, but thats the way I see it. This situation will not get better for you if you continue down this path. She can't choose? It sounds a little selfish to me. She may have issues to work out, but after everything you have done for her, and everything you have been there through, and she still isn't willing to commit to you? I've learned to look at a person's actions more then what they say. If they have to keep making excuses, like its not their fault, alot, maybe it really is their fault.

To the above posts, there is a difference between fighting for your love, and simply being used.

As far as what she said about it being unfair to choose, it's part of being an adult. People who aren't forced to choose, won't, ever. It's that simple.

This is probably not what you wanted to hear, may even be a little harsh, but at least consider what I've said.
 
Smoke some pot, seriously.

EDIT: Ok, I just finished reading that now, and you don't deserve any pot! Quit being a dick and let her have friends outside the two of you, that's pretty damn selfish of you there, especially for someone who so calls "loves" this chick. Get the fuck over it. She knows someone else, omg, alert the media.
 
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Excalibr said:
Smoke some pot, seriously.

EDIT: Ok, I just finished reading that now, and you don't deserve any pot! Quit being a dick and let her have friends outside the two of you, that's pretty damn selfish of you there, especially for someone who so calls "loves" this chick. Get the fuck over it. She knows someone else, omg, alert the media.
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Don't be a dick. There's a difference between what he said and what you got from it.
 
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Also, by this: 75BLM 67DRG 67WAR 60PLD 46RDM 45NIN 40WHM
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I can tell you don't exactly spend all YOUR free time with her, yet your complaining about the fact that she doesn't spend all her time with you.
 
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