[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]WWW.MITCHHEDBERG.NET[/FONT]
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F[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
ebuary 24 1968 - March 30 2005[/FONT]
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He will be missed[/FONT]
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"Has anyone seen me on Lettermen? 2 billion people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store."[/FONT]
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"I tried walking into a Target , but I missed."[/FONT]
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"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."[/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
"I type 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language."[/FONT]
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"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."[/FONT]
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"I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."[/FONT]
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"It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky."[/FONT]
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"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."[/FONT]
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"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."[/FONT]
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"And then at the end of the letter i like to write P.S.- This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
eliminated."[/FONT]
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"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
They're relentless."[/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."[/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."[/FONT]
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"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others."[/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."[/FONT]
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"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."[/FONT]
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"[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
I lke refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time."[/FONT]
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"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"[/FONT]
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"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
going to be hard."[/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead."[/FONT]
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"I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
fire exit."[/FONT]
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"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
they just say "Mitch," and I say "What?" and turn my head slightly."[/FONT]
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"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."[/FONT]
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"My friend said to me "You know what I like? Mashed poatoes," I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
ging to quiz me, you must put a pause in there."[/FONT]
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"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
just Escaloaor temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."[/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
Your not special. That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."[/FONT]
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"I went to the park and saw a kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
to do. Now if he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."[/FONT]
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"I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said I saw you on tv last night. He didn't say if I was any good. He just [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
told me where I was. So turned away for a minute and said Hey I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good."[/FONT]
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I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss.[/FONT]
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"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."[/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil and the devil is....Dill."[/FONT]
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"Alcoholism, is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, your an alcoholic. [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
Dammit Otto, you have Lupis. One of those two doesn't sound right."[/FONT]
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"I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
3a.m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
hey I was here at 3a.m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."[/FONT]
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"I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."[/FONT]
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"I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey Washington U, Did [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
you go there?" Yeah! It was a Wednesday."[/FONT]
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"[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them."[/FONT]
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"I opened a yogurt and underneath the lid it said "please try again" they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong.Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitch, don't give up! An [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."[/FONT]
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"I brought a donut and the guy gave me a recieipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you the money, [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
you give me the donut, end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I can not imagine the senerio [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
where I would have to prove that I broughrt a donut. Some skeptical friend. Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
the documentation right here."[/FONT]
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"When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say Dufrane, party of two, table [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
ready for Dufrane, party of two , and if no one answers they'll say the name again, Dufrane, party of two. Bu then if no one [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
answers, they'll move on to the next name. Bush party of three. Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes, No one seems to [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
care, who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
now ,with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry.That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,adobe-helvetica,Arial Narrow]
three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."[/FONT]
