Need help with Essay

[Calv/Godofdeath]

I'm writing my first essay for my ENGL1301 class and its due next week tues. We were told to write about a global discussion, and I chose Gay Marriage. I just need feed back on how it is so far and its weak and strong points and how I can improve on them. Be as harsh as needed!

[qoute=Calvins Essay] Gay Marriage: What's The Big Deal?
Marriage is a union of two people's love in one another, a symbol of wanting to be with eachother, "'Til death do we part." Lovers vary from a man loving a woman, to a man loving another man , to a woman loving another woman. So, why is it fair for a man and a woman to be blessed into marriage hood, but a man and man or a woman and woman, not be allowed the same privelages? Many religious and goverment officals want to ban gay marriage, because many believe marriage to be a sacred religios rite.

Firstly, the government is overstepping its bounderies in wanting to ban gay marriage. It's overstepping what our forefathers fought so hard against, separation of church and state. As Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner said in her 2005 Ten Commandments ruling, "Those who would renegotiate the boundaries between church and state must therefore answer a difficult question: why would we trade a system that has served us so well for one for one that has served others so poorly?" Another good quote is from a prominent Baptist minister from New England in 1773, by the name of Revrend Issac Backus, "When church and state are seperate, the effects are happy, and they do not all interfere with eachother: but where they have been confounded together, no tongue nor pen can fully describe the mischiefs that have ensued." Two officals from each side, goverment and religion, from different parts of history, aggreeing that state and church just don't go on the same plate. A govermental offical should not let his or her religious beliefs influence their point when debating on a discussion. The decision should be based off of what is best for the people of the country, not what their minister was preaching in last weeks sermon. We have many different cultural groups sitting in our government, each with their own religious beliefs and backgrounds. It would just lead too much controversy over which one of their beliefs was right.

Secondly, the church is being too judgemental on gay lovers. As John Corvino states, "The Bible provides the ultimate condemnation of homosexuality---or at least this is what some people claim. The more accurate statement is this: the Bible can supply the ultimate rationalization for people who want to condemn homosexuality. Just as the Bible was used to justify slavery, the Bible can be used to oppress gay and lesbian people. Quote the Bible, and supposedly all discussion is to cease. But not all Christians take the Bible to condemn same-sex acts."[/quote]

Its not done yet and I'll add more as I do it. But please help me with any Grammatical or Punctional errors as well. I really want a good grade on this. Thank you for your time on reading it.

Its going to be double spaced and all that and not look like a wall of text so ignore that part.

 

[Calv/Godofdeath]

err double posted it >.>

 

[Realia]

Got some spelling mistakes in there. Just be sure to fix everything up when you're done writing the paper.

Your intro is a little short and doesn't talk about the fact that gay marriage is a global discussion/debate. Make sure to at least, even if it's an English paper, to go back to what the topic is and why you're writing about it.

Your thesis doesn't seem very focused. It's a good start, but if you're going to have three paragraphs make sure to put what the paragraphs you're going to write about in your thesis. So if it's gay marriage a good example might be: "There are many people throughout the world that do not believe in gay marriage because of insert reason 1, insert reason 2 and insert reason 3." Just make sure to state what you're talking about in your thesis and stick to it.

And in an English paper, "first," "secondly," and "thirdly," are not very good transitions. Try something like: "When this country became independent and set up its own government the founders wanted it to be a country free from oppression and restrictions. Today’s government is perverting this ideal from our people today....blahblahblah." Start off with something related to gay marriage, such as another right being taken away (or something, it's up to you), and lead it to your topic.

Also, your quotes need a little work. It's nice to have the facts strait up, but it's hard to read. Again, try leading to the quotes and then follow your info with the quote and who said the quote at the end. That won't work for all your quotes, but it's usually a case by case basis there. You do have some good quotes, keep them, just change it around a bit to make it seem more interesting to read.

Oh and one last thing, try to keep personal comments out of papers. Yes, we all have opinions on what we write about, that's why we're writing about it (usually XD), but your school paper is not the place for your comments. If you want to enlighten people about why banning gay marriage is wrong, do so with facts in an interesting way and try to be as neutral as possible.

Sooooo yeah, I hope that helps. If you have any other questions just let me know. And if you want some sort of sample writing (not about gay marriage though ;D) I have a few old papers you could read.

 

[Kinkkerbelle]

1. Don't use the expression marriage hood.

2. You could talk about gay couple's lack of rights that other couples are allowed.

One example is not being allowed to use your same-sexed spouse's insurance coverage. Another is that the gay spouse really has few rights if his or her partner is hospitalized, the family gets to make the decisions (Unless the gay couple had the forethought to create a durable power of attorney) Yet another problme for gay couples is not being allowed to file joint tax returns. You should research what gay couples want and need a bit and then re-evaluate what you have written. What are the hardships gay couples face that straight couples do not face?

 

[Trippyhippy]

You might want to discuss the history of homosexuality.

A while back I was having a discussion with my sister (who is much more worldy and educated than me), and she mentioned that it was considered a good thing to have a gay man or woman in your family because that meant they would not have children and could help raise children of thier heterosexual siblings.

It wasn't until Christianity started spreading until it was deemed "wrong" or "unnatural". Christianity is what first motivated people to have relationshiips soley for the purpose of reproduction, an idea which has survived in Catholics to this very day. It's the reason Catholics believe it is a sin to masturbate or to use birth control. You are using your reproductive organs for reasons other than reproducing, and apperently god doesnt llike that. With scientific advances, and the discovery of cells, people realised what that goo that comes out is, and they like to claim that you are killing thousands of "potential lives" everytime you orgasm and don't try to reproduce.

I don't understand how this makes masturbation a sin for women. Or for that matter, why isn't a sin for women to have a period, since they are killing a "potential life".

Now I'm getting of topic. My point is start at the bigining and go through history and then build an arguement based on historical facts. I would (do) also blame the views of the sexually repressed soley on christianty in my arguement. I'm also more of an atheist than anything except maybe "Anti-Christian". I just hate that religion inparticulary because I live in the south east US and I've had it shoved down my throat my whole life.

 

[Calv/Godofdeath]

Thanks for the feedback so far. Thinking bout changing my first body paragraph talking bout the history and lack of rights. Then second the goverment and third religion. Would that work well?

Yea I kinda figured my thesis was a little weak. One thing I forgot to mention, its suppose to be a in the form of a letter to a family member, friend or loved one... yet where not allowed to use Dear so-and-so >.>. So I don't see how I'm suppose to leave out personal feelings, espically being the type of person I am ho says how they feel bout a subject.

Thanks for the comments so far again, I'll work on it later tonight. Keep the comments comming though.

 

[Calv/Godofdeath]

Revised Thesis

Marriage is a union of two people's love for one another, a symbol of wanting to be with eachother, "Til Death Do They Part." Marriage is ideally between a man and a woman, but occassionally a gay couple wish to tie the knot. Gay couples have a lot to ordeal when applying for a marriage licence. They don't have the same equal rights as a hetrosexual couple, the government stands in the way, and some religions, mainly Christanity, veiw homosexuality as a sin.

Revised my thesis, is this better and what more do I need to add?

 

[Calv/Godofdeath]

First Body

Homosexual couples are denied some of the basic rights and protections that hetrosexual couple are given. For instance, they can be denied to see their partner in the hospital, where as a hetrosexual couple is given the automatic right to visit their spouse and make medical decisions for one another. A homosexual can try to have a medical power of attorney documents on hand, but even then, the hospital may choose not to recognize the document. Homosexual couples are also not intitled to their partners inheritance if a will is absent. They are also not given unpaid leave from work if their partner were to become ill. Their work also denies them pensions in case of a death. Laws that protect hetrosexual couples from being forced to sell their homes to cover high nursing home bills, does not apply to homosexual couples, they can be forced to sell and forced out of their home to satisfy if their only renting and don't own a house. Homosexuals aren't even given the right to spend their last remaining years together in a nursing home.


My revised first body paragraph. I believe its almost done, want to add a few more. All info gotten off of http://www.republicoft.com/2006/08/06/what-rights-should-same-sex-couples-have/ As always hows it so far and what needs improving.

 

[Excalibur]

Homosexual couples are also not intitled to their partners inheritance if a will is absent. They are also not given unpaid leave from work if their partner were to become ill. Their work also denies them pensions in case of a death.

Try not to use 'also' so much, think of another way to start the sentence.
EX:

Homosexual couples are also not intitled to their partners inheritance if a will is absent, as well as not being given unpaid leave from work if their partner were to become ill. In addition(comma?) their work denies them pensions in case of a death.

Something like that.

 

[Deviantkat]

Try not to use 'also' so much, think of another way to start the sentence.

I'd agree with Excalibur on this one. If you need to keep using connecting words, then you're making your sentenses too long and flashy. Sometimes a brand new sentence is the way to go. When you have to use connecting words like that, try to think of synonyms to hide it from your reader so they don't feel like you're running on too much.

In the place of 'also' you can make use of things like:
as well
additionally
furthermore

Even the use of 3 or 4 synonyms being rotated so that they aren't individually used too often can make the paper flow a lot smoother from the reader's standpoint. Nonetheless, my first point about making a new sentence is usually the best idea. Don't feel like you have to dress an essay up with lots of descriptive adjectives and such to sugarcoat it like you would with a piece of creative writing... Not that I accuse you of such, but just a piece of advice from my experience. In an essay you only do that to eat up the word count when you can't think of anything to write. =P

 

[Calv/Godofdeath]

Gay Marriage: What's The Big Deal?
Marriage is a union of two people's love for one another, a symbol of wanting to be with eachother, "Til Death Do They Part." Marriage is ideally
between a man and a woman, but occassionally a gay couple wish to tie the knot. Gay couples have a lot to ordeal when applying for a marriage license. They don't have the same equal rights as a hetrosexual couple, the government stands in the way, and some religions, mainly Christianity, view homosexuality as a sin.
Homosexual couples are denied some of the basic rights and protections that hetrosexual couple are given. For instance, a hetrosexual couple is given the automatic right to visit their spouse and make medical decisions for one another, where as a homosexual couple can be denied to see their partner in the hospital, they can try to have a medical power of attorney document on hand, but even then, the hospital may choose not to recognize the document. They are also not given unpaid leave from work if their partner were to become ill, or if their work denies them pensions in case of a death. Laws that protect hetrosexual couples from being forced to sell their homes to cover high nursing home bills, does not apply to homosexual couples. They can be forced to sell and forced out of their home to satisfy if their only renting and don't own a house, they aren't even given the right to spend their last remaining years together in a nursing home. Homosexual couples are also not entitled to their partners inheritance if a will is absent, but they must pay property taxes on any amount over set state and federal system. It's very clear that homosexual couples are denied some of the basic rights hetrosexual couples often take for granted.
Banishingay marriage is not a political view point, but something the church deens as a sin, so why is the government trying to ban gay marriage in a majority of its states? In the constitution, it states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." So, why is our government today trying to overthrow what our for-fathers fought so hard against? "Those who would re-negotiate the boundaries between church and state must therefore answer a difficult question: why would we trade a system that has served us so well for one that has served us so poorly?". As Supreme Court Justice,Sandra Day O'Conner said in her 2005, 'Ten Commandments ruling", our country was founded by people who wished to escape from the tyranny and corruption of the church. Not everyone who sits in a governmental office has the same religion, it's a mix of many different cultures and religious beliefs. If they were to all toss in what their religion beliefs were on a discussion, we would never get anything done. "When church and state are seperate, the effects are happy, and they do not all interfere with each other, but, were they have been confounded together, no tongue nor pen can fully describe the mischiefs that have ensued.", as said by Reverned Issac Bakus, a prominent Baptist minister from New England in 1773.
Churchs are too judgemental on homosexual couples. John Corvino wrote in his book, Same Sex: Debating the Ethics, Science and Culture of
Homosexuality. The Bible provides the ultimate condemnation of homosexuality -- or at least that is what some people claim. The more accurate statement is this: the Bible can supply the ultimate rationalization for people who want to condemn homosexuality, just as the Bible was used to justify slavery. The Bible can be used to oppress gay and lesbian people. Quote the Bible, and supposedly all discussion is to cease, but, not all Christians take the Bible to condemn same-sex acts." The Bible is a strong belief amongst the Christians... they believe and stand for every word described by Christ. In some of the New Testaments, there are some gay refrences, calling homosexuality a sin. How is loving someone of the same sex a sin? The church believe marriage to be a continuation of life. A man and woman meet, be happy, have sex, and produce a child. Problem is, couples occassionally have difficulties in producing children, some couples even choose not to have children. Are these couples deemed to be a sin as well? There is no diference between a hetrosexual childless couple and a homosexual couple, except one is condemned by the church and the other is not. Joe Perez put Christianity firmly in its place, "Christianity is the gayest religion, you know. Its core commandments to men is to form a deep lifelong partnership with ANOTHER MAN. It demands real man-on-man, man-on-Jesus love action, no holds barred. It's the most homophilic religion in the universe."
Homosexuality is not a choice, it is a way of life for many. They deserve the same respect as any hetrosexual person, they don't deserve to be exiled for their way of life. Their going to be gay whether you don't give them equal rights, even if the governmant stands in their way and even if people in the church call them sinners. "We are deeply concerned about these young men and women because so many of us, as formor homosexuals, wish we had been aware of the emotional and physical devastation often found in gay life. It is our sincere desire to empower them with this information so they can make knowledgeable choices for their future. We will continue to be an advocate for those youth whose voices have been lost amid the inflammatory rhetoric." Alan Chambers, a member of the gay community.


Heres my final rough draft I'm turning in tomorrow, Final is due Thursday. Please list any spelling and Grammitcal errors, and improvments I may need. Thank you.

 

[Excalibur]

Gay Marriage: What's The Big Deal?
Marriage is a union of two people's love for one another, a symbol of wanting to be with eachspaceother, "Til Death Do They Part." Marriage is ideally
between a man and a woman, but occassionally a gay couple wish to tie the knot. Gay couples have a lot to ordeal when applying for a marriage license. They don't have the same equal rights as a hetrosexual couple, the government stands in the way, and some religions, mainly Christianity, view homosexuality as a sin.
Homosexual couples are denied some of the basic rights and protections that hetrosexual couple are given. For instance, a hetrosexual couple is given the automatic right to visit their spouse and make medical decisions for one another, where as a homosexual couple can be denied to see their partner in the hospital, they can try to have a medical power of attorney document on hand, but even then, the hospital may choose not to recognize the document. They are also not given unpaid leave from work if their partner were to become ill, or if (space too many)their work denies them pensions in case of a death. Laws that protect hetrosexual couples from being forced to sell their homes to cover high nursing home bills, does not apply to homosexual couples. They can be forced to sell and forced out of their home to satisfy if their only renting and don't own a house(what??), they aren't even given the right to spend their last remaining years together in a nursing home. Homosexual couples are also not entitled to their partners inheritance if a will is absent, but they must pay property taxes on any amount over set state and federal system. It's very clear that homosexual couples are denied some of the basic rights hetrosexual couples often take for granted.
Banishing(space, g)ay marriage is not a political view point, but something the church deen(m)s as a sin, so why is the government trying to ban gay marriage in a majority of its states? In the constitution, it states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." So, why is our government today trying to overthrow what our for-fathers fought so hard against? "Those who would re-negotiate the boundaries between church and state must therefore answer a difficult question: why would we trade a system that has served (1space too many) us so well for one that has served us so poorly?". As Supreme Court Justice,(space) Sandra Day O'Conner said in her 2005, 'Ten Commandments ruling"('), our country was founded by people who wished to escape from the tyranny and corruption of the church. Not everyone who sits in a governmental office has the same religion, it's a mix of many different cultures and religious beliefs. If they were to all toss in what their religion beliefs were on a discussion, we would never get anything done. "When church and state are seperate, the effects are happy, and they do not all interfere with each other, but, w(h)ere they have been confounded together, no tongue nor pen can fully describe the mischiefs that have ensued.", as said by Reverned Issac Bakus, a prominent Baptist minister from New England in 1773.
Churchs are too judgemental on homosexual couples. John Corvino wrote in his book, Same Sex: Debating the Ethics, Science and Culture of
Homosexuality(underline or italicize names of books). The Bible provides the ultimate condemnation of homosexuality -- or at least that is what some people claim. The more accurate statement is this: the Bible can supply the ultimate rationalization for people who want to condemn homosexuality, just as the Bible was used to justify slavery. The Bible can be used to oppress gay and lesbian people. Quote the Bible, and supposedly all discussion is to cease, but, not all Christians take the Bible to condemn same-sex acts.(why is this here?->"<-) The Bible is a strong belief amongst the Christians... they believe and stand for every word described by Christ. In some of the New Testaments, there are some gay refrences, calling homosexuality a sin. How is loving someone of the same sex a sin? The church believe marriage to be a continuation of life. A man and woman meet, be happy, have sex, and produce a child. Problem is, couples occassionally have difficulties in producing children, some couples even choose not to have children. Are these couples deemed to be a sin as well? There is no diference between a hetrosexual childless couple and a homosexual couple, except one is condemned by the church and the other is not. Joe Perez put Christianity firmly in its place, "Christianity is the gayest religion, you know. Its core commandments to men is to form a deep lifelong partnership with ANOTHER MAN. It demands real man-on-man, man-on-Jesus love action, no holds barred. It's the most homophilic religion in the universe."
Homosexuality is not a choice, it is a way of life for many. They deserve the same respect as any hetrosexual person, they don't deserve to be exiled for their way of life. Their going to be gay whether you don't give them equal rights, even if the governmant stands in their way and even if people in the church call them sinners. "We are deeply concerned about these young men and women because so many of us, as formor homosexuals, wish we had been aware of the emotional and physical devastation often found in gay life. It is our sincere desire to empower them with this information so they can make knowledgeable choices for their future. We will continue to be an advocate for those youth whose voices have been lost amid the inflammatory rhetoric." Alan Chambers, a member of the gay community.


I'm pretty sure there were a few things I missed in here, so make sure to go over it again yourself.