Need Relationship Advice (Warning: Profoundly Complicated and Obscenely Long)

[Elemmire]

wow :| I don't know what to say. I've seen this with friends of mine at my school but I don't get involved. They have asked me about it and I just tell em in the end it's their choice.

Me and a friend call this the "Dick-in-the-jar" plan. Break in case of emergency.

wasn't that Chris Rock's joke?

The asshole always gets the chick. Instead of the "Lets spend time together and I'll be sooo nice to you and treat you well" guy, chicks are always desiring more from the guys that are teasingly critical and have better things to do.

I think Waiting... said it best. "Girl's look for assholes. WOMEN look for nice guys". Any mature woman won't want a jackass treating them like shit for the next # of years. That's why those kinda guys have a relationship for barely a few months, if that. A mature woman will find that person that truly makes them happy. (I guess in some cases the asshole does do that but.. that's gotta be some sorta childhood parent beat ya kinda thing x.x).

Good luck bud. And noooooo, no one has been able to figure out girls, not even other girls!

Quoted because it's true x.x

oh.. and listen to Sculli. Focus on your work first. I'm lucky my love understands this and leaves me be if I'm working, as I do to him, and we both push each other into working harder on things for classes because we both want to be successful. We still have fun in our free time but school must come first for things to atleast be better off in life (I don't actually buy completely that "you work hard you move up" kinda belief.. it's not true in our society.. rich are always rich.. middle class remain that.. etc. You can move up but that's rarer than moving down. Go go sociology!). Anyways... don't get too worked up over it. You should take a few days to relax yourself, focus on your work, and just reflect upon yourself. Take a break from everyone if you have to. A good bit of self-reflection is a great thing to have. Hey! you could always come on FFXI for a little leisurely fun XD

 

[vang]

Dude, seriously, join a fraternity and party. You may think you're not that kind of guy but 85% of fraternity guys think the same thing until they actually rush/pledge for one. You will meet/gain so many close friends who are there like family for you and you will have a retarded amount of girls to choose from...ahhh the days.

Don't fuck up 4 of the best years you WILL EVER HAVE over a broad this early man.

 

[Veteran]

I now realize that girls never know what they want. If I had told her that I liked her during that fateful night a few weeks ago, by saying something like this:

"Well, when you are ready for a relationship, let me know because I would like to go out with you sometime."

How fucking simple, right? But it didn't occur to me at the time that I would have to "claim" her in such a manner. And now I'm paying the ultimate price. I know it's unhealthy to dwell on "what-ifs" but I can say that I've learned a lot from this. I had a very blunt and frank conversation with Ron and Alice earlier, and then I talked to Lee for a bit, and I just had a nice talk with Gow and Bella so I'm feeling somewhat decent compared to how I was feeling a few hours ago. I think I'm going to attempt some sleep now and see what tomorrow brings. If I could have one wish in the entire world, besides bringing Lee's mother back, it would be to rewind time and insert that one little sentence into our conversation that day. It would have made all the difference.

 

[Braydon]

Dude, seriously, join a fraternity and party. You may think you're not that kind of guy but 85% of fraternity guys think the same thing until they actually rush/pledge for one. You will meet/gain so many close friends who are there like family for you and you will have a retarded amount of girls to choose from...ahhh the days.

Don't fuck up 4 of the best years you WILL EVER HAVE over a broad this early man.

Better listen to him, Vet, he's in pre-med.


Seriously, I'm a computer nerd, and I joined a fraternity. It was fucking great. They got me laid, and in return, marvelled at my abilities to get them free cable and other computer stuff. I know she's special to you, but all the more reason to back off more.

Besides, fratenity house drama is so much easier to deal with than dorm drama.

 

[KuroSan]

Well, love is blind. Did it blind you? It blinds everyone to the point where nothing in your mind matters. Falling in love with someone is easy, later then it smacks you so hard. Women have different feelings towards men. I don't know if I'm exactly right but I do know this had happened to me... lets say... 3 times in my life maybe? This is how it usually goes down to.

You fall in love easy, you don't know if she feels the same about you, you get that feeling in your stomach and it leeches up to your throat, you invision the both of you kissing, making love, ect. Your feelings grow stronger, everything you feel is her, the feeling won't leave your stomach, it gets harder, your afraid sometimes to admit you love her, suddenly everything goes bad.

If she denies you it will destroy you. Cause you mistakenly fell in love with her when she says she had a messy break up with her ex. So when it comes to advice, its going to be very difficult. Cause everyone knows that of course they will meet someone and to be patient about it. What also really sucks is when your in love with one girl, you have to compete with your friend. If he does he brags how good the sex is, how good she kisses, how warm she is, like if he won a huge prize and left you with your dick in your hand.

Love is blind, love is good, love can be evil, and love can surely be a bitch with capital letters. So there is something we can relate to when we know if we can get someone or not. But when that type of love hits you, damn dude, I dunno what to tell you. So this is my advice.

Take it slow. Talk to your boy, tell him how you feel. Friends understand man. Tell him that your heart aches over her. If he doesn't understand then surely he is an asshole and you should not have a thing to do with him.

Also take step by step with her. Rushing words and feelings at her is only gonna show her that your addictingly in love and that is scary. Like Helga from the cartoon "Hey Arnold". Just don't make any Clay statues of her and worship like that. lol

What you need to also do is Meditate on it. Hold yourself back abit and don't play any bullshit. Take her out. Make a date but don't say it's a date. Take her to see some movie and don't take her to see a drama. Makes it more obvious. Take her to eat, talk to her, COMMUNICATE. Doing these things will basically clear things out and the both of you can get to know each other better.

This is the best advice I can give. And ladies who actually read all of what I wrote your free to correct me what I said about "Women feeling different towards men". Cause honestly, even I have to learn more for what I should know.

~Kurosan

 

[Sculli]

"Well, when you are ready for a relationship, let me know because I would like to go out with you sometime."

I think there is an all too common misconception that going out == relationship.

You know, you can take a woman to a movie, dinner, lunch, sightseeing, ice cream, whatever, just like that. A joined activity doesn't mean there is a relationship, it could be as simple as a nice afternoon with someone you like. In fact, even sex doesn't necessarily imply a relationship.

From the limited pieces of information in this thread I conclude that you are trying too hard. There is no such thing as "claim", nor does there need to be.

Youth is wasted on the young! No offense meant, just demonstrating a point. This isn't highschool anymore where males and females would only speak to each other if they were actually "together", otherwise genders would just hang in little groups trying to look cool and impress equally insecure little groups of the opposite gender (or not, depending on sexual preference).

Be that as it may, forget the word relationship for the next few years. Just socialize with girls, you can do that without to call it (or make it) a relationship. You will find it much easier on yourself, and everyone around if you just get a little more real about how things really work.

The fact that the girl may hang with the other guy for the time being doesn't mean anything, and it surly doesn't mean that you can't ask her out to a shake or whatever floats your boat.

"The very essence of romance is uncertainty." - Once you know that you "got her", she will all of a sudden become less interesting, and you learn more about her by hanging out with her, she may even become a liability in terms of spending time, doing things together all the time, unrealistic expectations. You can escape all of this by just socializing without a "relationship", and take it from there should more happen.

 

[Kat]

Lots of good advice above me Vet. Please heed it. Sculli's last post though, especially, and also Vang's post about joining a Fraternity. College is your stepping stone before you hit the "real world". Make the most you can from it, cuz once you get out "here", more times than not it truly sucks. Bills, bills and more bills .

Basically what everyone says about school coming first though, is the most important.

For Panda: You know I luv you dearly, so we're gonna have to agree to disagree about my quote. Just so you know though, I've lived it. To make a very long story short:

I met my husband (who is my soulmate) in 1989. He was 22, I was 27 and I had a 6 year old from a previous marriage. We had a relationship for almost 4 years before we got married in 1993. He was 26, I was 31 when we got married. Things went great for quite a few years. Then in 1997, that 6 year old we were raising (who was now barely 15) got pregnant. She had my first grandchild, Michael, the following May.

In September of 1999, my sister was killed by a drunk driver (Sept. 26th to be exact) while I was in the hospital having a major female operation. I literally lost a year of my life, I was so "out of it".

If this wasn't bad enough, Steve's father died the day after he and Steve had gone ice fishing while laying on his couch in the livingroom that following January (2000). Then 2 years later his mother died in October of 2002 (we buried her on her 69th birthday).

Needless to say, we're at about 2002 now, and my Steve has started drinking A LOT. I'm on the computer constantly cuz I'm afraid to open my heart up again cuz if I do in my weirded out head that person will die. I know really screwed up. Steve is drinking more and more. We don't even talk anymore. We are two strangers living in the same house. We're basically separated. This goes on for over 2 years.

Finally 2005 rolls around. We are seriously talking about divorcing. Neither one of us can live like we have been for the last 4+ years. So one day he asks me to go for a drive with him in early April. We go to Shabbona State Park, park the truck and start walking. Then we just really start talking and talking and talking. No yelling at each other. And in the end we realize we truly still love each other and want to try make things work. It can only get better from here. And it has. I got off the computer and started living again. He barely drinks anymore. We bought a motorcycle this summer and had the time of our lives. We joined Weight Watchers on June 6th of this year and we go religiously every Tuesday nite. Our routine is: Weight Watchers, then Subway, then grocery shopping. To date (as of last nite) Steve has lost 34 lbs. and I've lost 27.6 since June. (Pictures to come at a later date).

And that is where my quote comes in. I've lived it.

Anyway, that pretty much is my life story in a nutshell. The reason I'm telling it? To let Vet know this is just a small stepping stone to the rest of his life.

Vet, you are gonna have so much more laughter, tears, tragedy, and life changing "stuff" happen to you. That is why I had those tears in my eyes. Lee is just one small stepping stone to the rest of your life. Just handle the situation right. That's basically what I was saying.

Sorry had to *EDIT* some of this stuff. I remember everything like it was yesterday, but as I said I was really "out of it" for quite awhile. My days/years are foggy sometimes^^. That and old age I guess .

 

[j]

All I can say is your over-reacting. You’re a kid that’s growing up, and you’ll like a new girl every other week. Your in college! Have fun, Santa Clara has a nice campus with a lot of places to meet new and attractive women.

With that being said.. Daymn. Just daymn. First of all, your issue with Alice. You already lost your chance with her when you decided you weren’t good enough for her(wtf is that shit?). Confidence is whats attractive, even if she was interested in you, the relationship wouldn’t have even happened because of ur lack of confidence to ask her out on a date. Your the man, remember that, don’t be a cauky sob but be confident in yourself. Next your issue with Lee. In my opinion you lost ur chance with this when you said -“I hung around her as much as I could without making it too obvious”-. If you like a girl, make your move. If you feel that she is still trying to recover from her breakup, its noble of you to give her space, but by you hanging out with her whenever she wants or you always being there for her is making you into a friend, a friend she can lean on, a friend she can trust, but just a friend(I’m surprised she didn’t ask you for relationship advice with that other guy). Since your always there trying to kick it with her you lose that mysteriousness… what’s attractive about a guy that’s always there to hang out with(at least in the dating stages)? Asking her if she likes you, although it was a heart to heart conversion, made it worse for you. Its kinda like asking Lee “who do u like better me or that guy”, and that again shows ur lack of confidence in yourself, she answered “I don’t know” because she felt bad for you bro. Her saying she doesnt know if you have a chance is her way of saying "no, i feel bad so i'm gonna say i dunno".

If I were you I’d do my own thing, hang out with the new friends you’ve made (and will probably keep for a very long time). Don't be so "clingy" with the girls you meet or you'll just become friends. Go out, study hard, play harder. If shes attracted to you, she’ll come to you, but don’t let your ego/high self-esteem get the better of ur decision making process.

I’m sure not everyone will agree with the advice I gave. I haven’t read any responses but I’m curious as to what the women on qcdn have to say. Don’t stress the issue, and god.. don’t freakin cry(although that’s the reason why I’m posting), go out shoot some hoops, talk to new ppl, keep yourself busy, and you’ll forget this ever happened. Its college, you’ll always stress and over think issues, dont over think when you meet a new girl, if anything over think what your major will be, so you don’t graduate into a field you hate(ugh my life’s story).

 

[Zaxxon]

My little Vet is learning what his "special purpose" is for. My advice to you is to start drinking heavily....

All kidding aside, is to take a step or two back, get right with Vet and as trite as it sounds, if it's meant to be, it will be so.

 

[Ranpha]

There are some great stories and words of advice here. In due respect not to completely repeat everything said already, there is a little experience that has changed my perspective about the whole relationship/going out/whatever you like to call it.

Sculli hit the nail on the head about the “relationship” thing. Personally, I hate the term myself. There have been a few serious ones but it was just too much effort with little result. If the effort put into it has mutual results, then go for it. Otherwise, stay clear of it.

I have had a few guys misinterpret going out as being a relationship. From my standpoint, I never wanted anything to do with those particular guys when it happened. It became awkward to talk to them, let alone do anything with them involved. Seriously, playing videogames at someone’s house is not a date.

There were always boys around when I was growing up. All of them were regarded as older brothers not love interests. It was shocking when some took notice in other ways.

I love my guy friends. Practically the majority of my friends are male and do not blur the line between friends and lovers. Of course they are always a little more protective but it is out of friendship. It beats going out alone and being vulnerable. We also have had some interesting conversations that were thought of to be taboo in the grade school days. True friends are honest with each other, no matter which direction a conversation goes. They are also accepting of each other’s opinions and do not force dumb guidelines to follow by (i.e. for this to be a ___, this has to happen).

One of the biggest confidence boosters was to find out who I was and what my values, goals, and ambitions are. Forget about searching for that companion. That gives way to more headaches and unnecessary stress. Plus, desperate guys are a big turn off. Avoid anything that starts with; “I have a thing for ____.” Conversations with people have to be more than just a few selected topics. It has to be natural. Fishing for words to say is a clear sign there is no interest and to move on.

Girls can be just a desperate. Stay away from these at all costs. They tend to develop a huge dependency on their partners because they lack confidence in their potential to grab a mate. Those events usually end in a negative manner.

If a girl takes interest and it is noticeable, try it. Come clean and be honest. Be ready to accept rejection if it happens. Do not dwell on telling someone your feelings. They may feel the same way but not have the confidence to admit it.

Laugh, enjoy life, do stupid things. If there is an interest in certain activities, join a few clubs, maybe even a fraternity. Chances are there are people who have similar feelings and can probably give some advice from their own experiences.

Good luck!

 

[alanon]

My estute analysis: You taint in HS anymore son!!!

You come on too strong my man! You are already all forcing him or me questions on her when you a) have admitted knowledge that she isn't ready and b)haven't even gone out on a date yet!!!

My advice: Ask her out.
NOT "hey baby, wanna go steady?" but more like "Hey Lee, have dinner with me" or "Let's go see a movie" or party or beach or bar.......

If you keep losely dating and the feelings are mutual, eventually it will naturally evolve into something else. In short, quit being so damned serious. If you keep forcing confusing choices upon her, she will eventually come to subconsciously associate you with the source of confusion and possibly remove you all together.





Worse comes to worse, go find some drunk sorority chicks. They always made me feel better when I was in college.

 

[Sculli]

Worse comes to worse, go find some drunk sorority chicks. They always made me feel better when I was in college.

What happens in the sorority house stays in the sorority house (unless you just happen to make it into "Sorority Girls Gone Wild").

 

[Svina]

You sound like I was in early high school days.

Once I hit college and went through a decent online relationship with a bitter end, I decided to avoid relationships until I made sense of myself. It helped somewhat... I figured out that women at that age are fickle and flighty, they dont' know what they want and can give the deception of loving someone. I had felt that break-up several times in which it felt like the whole thing was just a one-act play. And it started to wreck me badly.

But I got over them, looked back on each one and realized that I was being just as silly of a kid. Sure some people don't grow out of it immediately but eh...

I see a relationship as sort of a loosely tied thing. There should be no immediate obligations this early in your lives if you find someone you're attracted to, whether physically, mentally, or spiritually, or whatever-it-is you like about that person. People are still going through changes, and have other priorities (like finishing college in your case), they can't be tied down to you, and you should not tie yourself down to them. However, if you feel someone you've come to like that way has walked into your life, keep them close and dont drive them away from you until you're both ready to decide if a relationship belongs between you...it depends on how much you care about him/her after getting to know them better I guess.

To me, it's one of those "you'll know it when you see it" things. But people's looks on relationships are different. Some see them as absolute commitments, like it's a job or a contract you're signing by getting into one. Some just see them as a cheap occasional screw. Some see them as being able to talk about anything with that person, like a friend, but perhaps closer. Some just see them as friendships. Re-evaluate what you think a relationship really is to you, just break off from trying so hard, and you'll probably just walk right into what you want without knowing it one day. The less you chase, the better.

 

[Ajs]

Wow Vet. . . . I really hope everything works out for you.

There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said, although a lot of people have given some really good advice. But I do know that you're one of the nicest people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and that you definately deserve the best. You were there for me when my "friends" all betrayed me. You've helped me willingly for no cost. You've proven that there are still nice people in this game, and I'm sure that carries over to your RL.

Just don't push her into anything. She'll see your good traits, and if it was meant to happen, it will. If it isn't, then move on. No matter what happens, for everything bad you overcome, something far better will make up for it.

GL man, if there's anyone out there who deserves it, it's you.

 

[Strid]

You can't be the nice guy setting back or you get the leftovers man. I learned it the hardway as have everyone else who takes the nice guy approach. Go for the gold as subtle as possible but not crawlingly slow. If it ends bad just put on a viking hat, a thong, grab a Shiner Bock, and dance with friends to an Arcturus CD. Don't be shy you're in college. No one is ever to hot for anyone it's just a matter or whther you can win them over or not with your ways, in reply to Alice being to hot for you. Anyway, good luck Vet but it's obvious, to me, this Lee girl has eyes for you.

 

[Illyria]

Reading this has had some weird profound effect on me which I need every now and again for my own good... I won't get into my life and honestly I am not sure I have good advice most of my good advice comes from being the girl being and getting out of the bad relationship. I will say this thought I really hope for the best and I hope everyone finds what makes them happy. Also be glad you have such good friends.... I somewhat envy that.

Now I'm starting to think about all the things... for my friends who are going through things so similar and wishing I could just fix everything for everyone. I can see the hurt in you because I saw it in someone not a week ago. Weirdly enough it hurts me and even thought I don't know you I wanna fix things.

OK I'm gonna stop now before I make a fool of myself but have faith. God does strange things for strange reasons but he knows what he is up to.

 

[Konartist]

I <3 you, you sexy galka beast!

 

[Sculli]

OK I'm gonna stop now before I make a fool of myself but have faith. God does strange things for strange reasons but he knows what he is up to.

It's obviously a free country and people can believe whatever they want to, but my advice is to keep faith out of it. It's your life, you are in control of it, not something from above.

 

[Xerius]

J has his stuff SORTA CLEAR...

first things first...

GIRLS FEED ON FEAR, and they can sense insecurity before you're even within view of them. remember that... you go up to a chick afraid, and you're already THEIR prey...

face it, movies are romanticising relationships, most of the time, girls go for guys that ARENT all lovey-dovey and bambi like, hell a lotta girls like to test you, putting on pussy fits and what not to try and see how you react. If you react by becoming a blubbering fool, they're gonna play you. You act tough and act like you dont give a shit, it actually makes the girl want you more. <--- most of the time....

Vet, I was once long ago in your position, in highschool... TRUE... college is a new experience, and getting a girl is probably one of best feeligns in life if it works well, but remember, its not the be all end all. School is important, and so are friends. It's important to remember if you ever get a girlfriend not to forget your friends, they are the ones who will stick with you after your relationship breaks, dont ignore them...

I went and told her last night that if she wants to date Ralph, to please go ahead and do so. I told her that I only wanted her to be happy, and that I was willing to wait a month, a year, two or three years to be able to go out with her if that's what it takes. I was able to "un-like" other girls, but I really don't think it's even possible with her at this point.

WHAT IS THIS?!?!? PLEASE DO NOT BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT... dont tell yourself that, that is a defeatist attitude... if you tell yourself that you are not gonna do shit and just let them get along. If yo uwant a girl you hafta fight for them, girls wont come to you if you just sit back and be a pushover. Show your strong points, and dont be clingy, girls HATE koalas for boyfriends. There's a difference between showing care, spending time with them, catching a movie with them, buying them something or taking them out for dinner, and being a clinger and wanting to spend every waking moment of the day with them. Don't assume just becuase you wont get sick of them that they wont get sick of you. Remember, only in hollywood will a guy sitting back at home somehow get a girl come to his door saying "i really loved you all this time please forgive me"...

Vet you hafta show your strong points, show what she liked in you as a friend, and show you are better than Ralph. It's not stealing her, it's showing her you're the better choice.


To Vang and Braydon, I normally respect what you guys say, but frats arent always what they are made out to be. Not all sororities have hot chicks, and most of the time they only go for athletes lol... ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE ASIAN, god most asian frats have ugly chicks, because comomonly guys and girls that can get some, can get it without the help of a frat or sorority. Besides, having people set you up isn't going to happen your whole life, you have to get your own skills and technique. Guys aren't born players, they all started one point too. Rejection is something that happens. Hell this is what i tell people, if you meet someone, and you like them, whats the WORST thing that can happen if you ask them out and they reject you? You have no partner, which is how you started anyways, so what the hell is there to worry about? Besides, I think Vet is looking for a real relationship, not random play, random play i s something you can get without drunk hoes in a sorority... hahaha

Besides, Vet, be positive, you've actually found someone you get along with, I wasn't able to find anyone that suited my expectations the first year of college, at least where i was going to school at least.

Finally, do not spend eternity waiting for this chick, it'll only make you more depressed, at times you have to move on. Not everything in life goes the way you want, everyone should know that, life can be cruel sometimes.

I hope i dont come across as cruel, because honestly, I'm cheering for you. I used to be someone who thought being the nice guy was the way but i learned my lessons. I'm cheering for you becuase I want you to be one of those nice guys that actually win the race. /cheer

 

[wolfskymoon]

Crying is a waste of life.Anything more than a day waiting for someone who doesn't even really like you and is confused between two men,is a waste of life.Just let her go and go on with your life.