Please help me

[Answa~]

I have a question. For English, my prof asked us to translate a Spanish poem to English and I'd like to ask for feedback on the translation I've been working on, to see what you make of it and if it makes any sense or if any verse or phrase feels awkward.

(Transl. from "Si mis manos pudieran deshojar" by Federico García Lorca)

If my hands could undress [of/the] leaves

I utter your name
On these dark nights,
When the stars come
To drink of the Moon
And the branches of the
Unseen vegetation sleep.
And I feel incomplete
Of passion and of music.
O, strange clock that sings
Dead, old hours.

I utter your name,
In this dark night,
And your name resounds
As far as it has never seemed.
Farther than all the stars
And more hurtful than the calm rain.

Will I ever love you so
Again? What blame
Lies on my heart?
If the fog fades away,
What other passion awaits me?
Will it be tranquil and pure?
If only my fingers could
Undress of its leaves the Moon! [Undress the leaves from the Moon!]

 

[Shaunessy]

Spanish? How can we tell if it is right without the spanish? You don't want us to do research do you?

 

[Veovis]

Spanish? How can we tell if it is right without the spanish? You don't want us to do research do you?

I think he's asking if it flows correctly, if the english seems to fit.

I think it does.

 

[Answa~]

I think he's asking if it flows correctly, if the english seems to fit.

This is what I'm asking. If I read it I'm biased already because I know what it means in my own mind, I have both languages mixed together to fill the gaps for me. Which is why I'm asking people who haven't read the Spanish one, people who are reading it with a fresh mind and who speak and read English regularly, unlike me, if it makes any sense.

I think it does.

Thank you.

-----

I still think verses 7-8 need a little work... but I'm not sure. Also, "deshojar" means "to take leaves off", I put this as undressing as leaves, is there any word in English for this, or should I leave it as is?

 

[Answa~]

*Bump for obvious reasons...*

Please, I really need input on this... I have nowhere else to turn to, though I realize QCDN is kinda dead on weekends... People not on work or school.

 

[Mortanis]

The only section I think that sounded kinda odd, was the last line that read, "If only my fingers could Undress of its leaves the Moon!"

That sounds off. You might want to change it to say:

If only my fingers could
Undress the leaves from the Moon!

I hope this helps ^^

 

[Mortanis]

also, the title sounds strange too:

"If my hands could undress of leaves"

It might sound better like:

"If my hands could undress the leaves"

 

[Answa~]

If I put "the" it won't sound too targetted? The title in Spanish is very general-sounding. In the end, I can change it to "the", and it'll sound better, I thank you for that. But I'm not sure with the title...

 

[Brin]

Ya, I think it should be "If my hands could undress the leaves"

 

[Trippyhippy]

Undress of its leaves the Moon!
doesn't flow right.

Undress the Moon of (its/the) leaves!

That's my suggestion.

 

[Answa~]

Undress of its leaves the Moon!
doesn't flow right.

Undress the Moon of (its/the) leaves!

That's my suggestion.

I think that works well, thank you.

Thank you everyone, actually, very much.

 

[Answa~]

Revised rough draft:

If my hands could undress

I utter your name
On these dark nights,
When stars come
To drink in the Moon
And the branches of the
Unseen greenery sleep.
I do not feel whole
In passion nor in music.
O, strange clock that sings
Dead, old hours!

I utter your name,
In this dark night,
And your name resounds
As far as it has never seemed.
Farther than all the stars
And more hurtful than the calm rain.

Will I ever love you so
Again? What blame
Lies on my heart?
If the fog fades away,
What other passion awaits me?
Will it be tranquil and pure?
If only my fingers could
Undress the Moon of its leaves!

--

Thank you all. Now to write my analysis on it... yay... >.>

 

[Ronith]

I like the final one Answa, gj and it flows pretty good, hope you do ok on it in class