Roommate Tensions

[Valoran]

Hey guys . . .

my first topic post here.

I guess I'm posting because I've got a bit of anxiety over a roommate situation. I live with two roommates, and last year things just blew up with one of them. Basically, I got the girl he'd secretly been after for months, and he sort of retreated from the world.

He has a job an hour and a half away. He spends part of his day there, then comes home, goes in his room and sits at his computer watching old tv series dvd's and sitting at aim. He doesn't go out ever; his weekends are spent in his room at his computer.

Recently, he's been making little giggly sex jokes to a bunch of girls over aim. These girls are friends of mine, and I wind up hearing about this a lot. The girls hate it. He's also taken to discussing with them how uncomfortable he feels dealing with me, and how he avoids the living room and stuff because of that. He basically hasn't been speaking to me since I returned after the summer.

So maybe I've just been stressed about finals, but tonight I went to give him my part of the rent check to turn in, and I sort of bit the bullet and just told him that if he feels so uncomfortable around me, he ought to consider moving to someplace he can be comfortable and getting a subletter (I've thought about moving myself, but a) we live near a University campus where I still attend school and he does not, b) he is ridiculously far from his workplace to begin with, his choice, I know, and c) 90% of the major furniture, tv's, xbox, ps2, and kitchen stuff (pots, pans, table, chairs) is mine, and I'd hate to have to move it, even if I could find a living arrangement in the middle of the year).

He closed his door and told me he could run his own life, at which point I continued talking and said, "it'd be nice if the girls could quit complaining about being harassed on aim, too."

Boy did I do it. I went out to a holiday party and came back to finish up a paper. I log onto aim to keep me company while I write (I HAVE to get windower). He's already apparently confronted several of my friends on aim.

Anyhow, through some kind of crazy aim-loop, our third roommate, who has stayed out of it and friends with both of us, heard about this within an hour of it happening. He has now scheduled a mediated talk, which I think is a good idea in principle, although I can't imagine it being effective.

So I guess we'll go from there.

I feel like I'm starting to know a number of you, and I could just use a bit of support on this; I'm kind of high-stress about having finals the next 3 days straight, and this is bad timing.

In that I haven't posted here before about myself, really, I promise that I really am usually in high spirits and enjoy life; this situation has just been weighing on me, and odd as it may seem to me, this community is a part of my life these days.

Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

 

[GhostinmyShell]

If the guy wants to sit in his room and do whatever let him, it's his life... if you are here it probably means you play FFXI which isn't exactly kosher with society itself you know

Now if this guy is a total slob and neglecting real life in terms of work/school/bills then it might be appropriate to actually talk to them about it...

As for the IM stuff, you should tell the girls to put the guy on ignore rather then making you fight their battles.

 

[Trippyhippy]

Tell him he's a dirty Pirate Hooker and then Slap him in public.

He's being unreasonable and childish. Sounds like he just needs to get laid. You should find out how long it's been for him.

The solutions I see are:

A)Take him out, get him drunk, get him laid.
B)Hire a prostitute to pick him up, and don't tell him about it... untill you want to piss him off bad enough to never speak to you again.


I'm a bad person.

 

[MayMaythaBiznitch]

The solutions I see are:

A)Take him out, get him drunk, get him laid.
B)Hire a prostitute to pick him up, and don't tell him about it... untill you want to piss him off bad enough to never speak to you again.

LoL i second that idea

 

[xena]

Ceran Wrap him to the bed, flip it over, and jump on it until hes Sociable. It worked on Viva La Bam. All of that prostitute crap doesnt sound too bad either.

 

[Ranpha]

Focus on the exams first. There is always time to amend relationships with friends/roommates afterwards.

Hate to say this but people have to motivate themselves to do anything outside of their routine. Being pushy might cause this roommate to retract even further into their cubicle.

If the subleasing thing goes through, make sure it is okay with the landlord first. Otherwise it might violate the leasing agreement.

Avoid making the snippy comments to one another. At least the roommate has not starting throwing away your stuff or has turned destructive as a result of this. Be honest with one another in the little meeting and try not to hurt the third roommate in the process.

 

[Rones]

Just leave him alone. Tell the girls you don't want to hear about him. You'll probably move once you graduate anyway. So at worse you'll spend 2-3 more years there (didn't catch what year you are). If he's quiet and stays in his room, just pretend he isn't there.

 

[Bigboy]

Buy him a cross, I'd bet you he already has the nails.

 

[Sculli]

I think it comes down to who's in the rental agreement with the landlord. Since you said you were giving him your check, I assume that it isn't you. In which case I'd avoid anything that might get your evicted unless you really want to move all your stuff.

Other already gave good advice, put the girls on ignore if that is what it takes to make them shut up about him. I would definitely NOT tell them anything about any tensions, because they will turn right around and tell him, which is not what you want.

 

[Kat]

Advice above is great, (even Trippy's^^). hahahhaha ... NOT.

My feelings are you are feeling guilty about getting the girl. Bottom line. Don't. May the best man win, as long as you really like her (in the first place), and it wasn't a competition thing.

I like the 3rd roommate already. Sounds like a guy I'd want in my corner, because he only got involved when it got really hairy. Anyway, the mediated thing sounds like a very good idea. And it can work. I had to do it years ago with my ex-husband when we were fighting over our daughter. I, of course, won^^. Nevermind, starting to ramble here.

But yah Val, most importantly school first. Don't sweat the small stuff. If he's just giving you the cold shoulder, shake that guilt off and blow it off for now 'til you don't have the stress of finals.

 

[Elemmire]

Ceran Wrap him to the bed, flip it over, and jump on it until hes Sociable. It worked on Viva La Bam. All of that prostitute crap doesnt sound too bad either.

it's sad you got an idea from that shitty channel that represents how our society is so bad... (god I hate MTV)

anyways.. I'd go with the first advice given... that guy has the right to live his life as he wishes. You can be concerned for him.. try and see if he'll go out, but let him do it himself. Let him control his own life and those girls do need to stop asking you to make him stop. They can tell him they don't like what he's saying or block him whatever.. they are cowards (and/or lazy) to ask you to fight their battles. Seriously though, if he is keeping up with his work/bills what's the problem? Does it REALLY affect your life?

 

[deathsvengeance]

sounds like you have one hell of an impartial roommate ^^ best of luck to ya

 

[Valoran]

Let him control his own life and those girls do need to stop asking you to make him stop. They can tell him they don't like what he's saying or block him whatever.. they are cowards (and/or lazy) to ask you to fight their battles. Seriously though, if he is keeping up with his work/bills what's the problem? Does it REALLY affect your life?

There have been a number of comments like this, and I usually agree with them in principle. I should probably flesh out the specific situation here, though:

The girls he harasses are my close friends. They are my social circle. He used to be part of that same circle until I got the girl; the rest of us have made up any hurt feelings over it. Some of the girls have suggested that I say something about it to him; mostly, I've encouraged them to do it themselves, but they haven't. I guess I feel that even if they should be able to stick up for themselves, then if they can't, someone should still do it for them.

The issue I have is that I don't think it's appropriate for him to continue to spam my social circle with hate about me; it indicates to me that he still feels an active hostility that is finding expression through conversations to my friends. I'm not comfortable living with someone who is actively hostile towards me, and is willing to let that control his decision-making (he will, for example, leave the living room and go into his room if I wake up, just in that I might go into the living room; I'm not being neurotic; this has happened on multiple occasions).

Anyway, that's why I don't want to live and let live. The guy has a pretty stagnant situation right now, and if he doesn't have any goals to focus him on positive things, I'm worried that his actions could turn really negative, either to me or himself.

Thanks for the posts; I'm still interested. Trippy, you might be interested to know that a number of our friends have said that too, lol. I wonder if there's any truth to it . . . he sort of got burned by two girls within 6 months the year before I got the girl (she'd make the 3rd in like, 14 months); he must feel pretty unconfident about his masculinity or whatever these days . . . I'll think about that some.

 

[Sculli]

I guess I feel that even if they should be able to stick up for themselves, then if they can't, someone should still do it for them.

The issue I have is that I don't think it's appropriate for him to continue to spam my social circle with hate about me;

#1 Can't lives on Won't street.
#2 The recipient of IM spam has the option to ignore the sender. May want to ask the girls why it is they don't do that, one possible answer is that they may just agree with what he has to say (not implying that they do, but it is a possibility)

 

[Valoran]

#1 Can't lives on Won't street.
#2 The recipient of IM spam has the option to ignore the sender. May want to ask the girls why it is they don't do that, one possible answer is that they may just agree with what he has to say (not implying that they do, but it is a possibility)

I was unaware of Can't's living arrangement, lol. Suppose he needs a roommate?

Anyway, the girls do occasionally block him when he becomes particularly obnoxious.

I'm also not worried about them feeling that he's right in any hostility towards me.

For one thing, his comments are not specific criticisms; they seem to be potshots he takes at random (ie, he'll say "oh, we can hang out, but it has to be at your place. I try to avoid the living room b/c I don't like dealing with certain people."). It's the sort of thing that's not worth their time to call him on. The fact that he seems to feel a need to do it, and specifically, to do it to people who he knows are my friends, raises a bit of a question.

I kind of feel like the issue about him harassing these girls isn't as much a part of my discussion. They handle it or don't; I went to bat for them this once, and I think that has helped a lot (he realized that people are aware of what he's doing and he's at least maybe too embarrassed to do it again for a while), but my main role with regard to that is to encourage them to block him or tell him off; it's what I've mostly been doing.

 

[Dirgesong]

I got the girl he'd secretly been after for months

If it was a secret it's his fault not yours . . . end of story . . .

Tell him to suck it up and if he wants to live his life away from the people that were his friends that's his call not yours.

 

[Valoran]

Keep the MTV flames out of my thread, please.

I'm still trying to hear people's opinions.

Ask the mod to split it to the flameboard if you want to keep arguing, please.

 

[Sculli]

I have cleaned this up some. Trade personal insults on the Flameboard, bash MTV in as different thread per Valoran's request.

 

[Raesvelg]

I gotta say, I fail to see how your roommate being a whiny little punk is somehow your fault. Which is basically how HE wants to see things from the sound of it. You got the girl he wanted... so what? You say he was "secretly" after her... perhaps if it had been something other than "secretly", your situations might be reversed on the matter.

First off, the whole thing is insulting the girl in question. You didn't "get" her (I realize the figure of speech present in the statement, but it still bugs me), she made a CHOICE to be WITH you. It's not like you clubbed her over the head and dragged her back to your cave for crying out loud.

Second, it sounds like he views your relationship as some sort of betrayal, as if his desire for the girl should somehow set her off limits to everyone he knows. I don't buy that either. I'm personally of the opinion that the best way to handle things is to put all your cards on the table as early as possible. Nursing a secret crush just screws things up in the long run, particularly if you view the success of others with the object of your desire as some sort of a personal slight.

Third, so he got rejected a few times. Big deal. Winding up in a successful relationship is all too often the same as how you get to Carnegie Hall: Practice practice practice. Persistence pays in the long run, trust me on that. So does objectivity.

My advice? Confront him on the issue, and don't let him weasel his way out of it. If you think it would be best to have impartial third parties present, then feel free, though personally I think such things are best handled as quietly as possible. Hell, do your confrontation through IM behind locked doors if that's what it takes, I've done that at least once in my life, when dealing with someone who wouldn't say "boo" to me in person.

 

[Panda]

My current roomates just had a similar problem with their old roomate where he would leave a room when they were around and completely avoid them whenever possible. They had issues with him that, though they weren't anything like yours, they still caused a lot of tension in the house - and the common ground between you and them is that they never talked out what happened - the guy just moved out.

The guy that had lived here before me was friends with the people in this house since they were about 12 years old (they're 25 now) and now they're not talking at all and really have no idea where he is. The bottom line, or at least my point, is that if you want to avoid losing this person as a friend or having it end up nasty you should really at least try to talk about what the real issue is instead of jumping to conclusions about each other. Find out what his real problem is (though you're pretty sure what it is - he could probably explain it to you if he was willing to in a way that would help you to better understand his issues and his yours as well) and really sit down and talk to each other about it and move from there. Honestly, thats about all you can do right now. It seems that you're pusing things around more and more in your head making the issue worse by growing up some more animosity towards him than is really needed, and vice versa again.

Talk it out, and move from there. Really don't jump to conclusions like I said, and really try to see his point of view - because even though you feel as if he has no right to be mad at you, he is, and you need to respect that if you want to come to terms.