Friends and countrymen, it is with a heavy heart that I report on the state of Zombie Activity in our fair city of San Francisco.
The time has come to once again activate the radio-attraktor towers to funnel hundreds of zombies through downtown to a secure location. This is a risky maneuver, as evidenced by carnage enshrouding last year’s event. Rest assured, we have made improvements to the technology.
We will turn on the radio-attraktor towers at 2:05pm on Saturday, August 16th. All zombies in the area will be telepathically compelled to march down a route which we will disclose in a future email. The radio waves will also cause undead to crave duct tape instead of human flesh. If you are unfortunate enough to be standing along the route with a duct tape “X” on your torso, you will be attacked and consumed by the horde, after which you will be one of them. Don’t wear your favorite shirt.
Please, please tell your friends and family not to be anywhere near the route at 2:05pm this Saturday! Have them sign up for updates or follow the movement live on Twitter with up-to-the-minute zombie migration forecast, Beijing Olympic protest style. If we loose radio control of the mob, the result will be catastrophically gruesome!
