It's good, however here is a tip, if you plan on getting better at writing.
Short Sentences = Powerful
-I learned this from my English class, and it's true, a short sentence has a better, more powerful pull on the reader than one run-on sentence.
Sorry guys, I've decided I'm not gonna go into that story, will be starting another one soon though, my OWN story, much like yours Oni ^^ will keep you all updated, sorry for wasting everyones time.
