"The Grand List of Console Role Playing Game Cliches"

[Seteyu]

I dunno if anyones already seen this before, and I have no idea how old it actually is, but I stumbled upon it when I clicked an old webcomic link, and decided to dig around their website, cause it's late, and I was bored. (and for the same reason I'm not posting my favourites, cause I'm tired )
As the title says, it's a list of CRPG cliches (there's 192 in the list for whom are not bothered to actually read it.) I found it quite funny, recognized nearly all of them, enjoyed it, and thought perhaps others might as well.
Direct link to site: linky linky
Click it, you know you waaant to.

Enjoy.


My own personal bet still stands that this post will be ignored, like 99% of mine. Prove me wrong perhaps?

 

[Negorissimo]

#27 Nostradamus Rule
All legends are 100% accurate. All rumors are entirely factual. All prophecies will come true, and not just someday but almost immediately.

lmao~

 

[Isomiau]

i'm on 19: (they're all apt and relatively humorous)

No matter what timeframe the game is set in -- past, present, or future -- the main hero and his antagonist will both use a sword for a weapon. (Therefore, you can identify your antagonist pretty easily right from the start of the game just by looking for the other guy who uses a sword.) These swords will be far more powerful than any gun and often capable of distance attacks.

24:

Once you sell something to a shopkeeper, he instantly sells it to somebody else and you will never see the item again no matter what.

92:

Whenever someone asks you a question to decide what to do, it's just to be polite. He or she will ask the question again and again until you answer "correctly."

107:

At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says.

183:

By the end of the game you are renowned everywhere as the Legendary Heroes, every surviving government and authority figure has rallied behind you, the fate of the world is obviously hanging in the balance, and out of nowhere random passers-by give you a pat on the back and heartfelt good luck wishes. However, shopkeepers won't even give you a discount, much less free supplies for the final battle with evil.

 

[Xalioniaf]

Found the list a few years ago, definitely a hilarious read.

My favorite:

[FONT=Arial,Univers,Helvetica]Weapon Rule
There's always a hidden creature who is much harder to defeat than even the ultimate bad guy's final, world-annihilating form. It's lucky for all concerned that this hidden creature prefers to stay hidden rather than trying to take over the world himself, because he'd probably win. As a corollary, whatever reward you get for killing the hidden creature is basically worthless because by the time you're powerful enough to defeat him, you don't need it any more.

[/FONT]

 

[Makelith]

I'm the NRA (Billy Lee Black Rule)
Opposition to gun control is probably the only thing you could get all RPG characters to agree upon. Even deep religious faith and heartfelt pacifism can't compete with the allure of guns.

This is my favorite.

 

[Kagemusha]

My favorites:

Thousand Year Rule
The Ancient Evil returns to savage the land every thousand years on the dot, and the last time it showed up was just about 999.9875 years ago. Despite their best efforts, heroes of the past were never able to do more than seal the Evil away again for the future to deal with (which brings up the question of just how exactly does this "sealing away" work anyway, but never mind.) The good news is that this time, the Evil will get destroyed permanently. The bad news is that you're the one who's going to have to do it.

# Fourth Law of Travel
Three out of every four vehicles you ride on will eventually sink, derail or crash in some spectacular manner.

# Falling Rule
An RPG character can fall any distance onto anything without suffering anything worse than brief unconsciousness. In fact, falling a huge distance is an excellent cure for otherwise fatal wounds -- anyone who you see shot, stabbed, or mangled and then tossed off a cliff is guaranteed to return later in the game with barely a scratch.

# "Mommy, why didn't they just use a Phoenix Down on Aeris?"
Don't expect battle mechanics to carry over into the "real world."

It's funny 'cause it's true.

 

[Isomiau]

the 70's /rofl

also the 80's

 

[Elpon]

Hmmm I'm surprised this isnt mentioned but I'll add my own.

The Everybody Poops Contradiction
No matter how advanced a civilization is or if there is clearly indoor plumbing (sinks, showers, etc), there are never any bathrooms. From the smallest of cottages to the largest of mansions there is no access or presense of any restrooms.

This is true for a lot of games including rpgs. There are a few exceptions but it seems like a solid cliche to me.

 

[Tim Wakefield]

This was an excellent read/time-killer. Thanks.

 

[Legomyeggo]

Law of Mooks
Soldiers and guards working for the Evil Empire are, as a rule, sloppy, cowardly and incompetent. Members of the heroic Resistance Faction are, as a rule, dreadfully weak and undertrained and will be wiped out to the last man the moment they come in contact with the enemy.

lol, yeah...

 

[Gerry]

# 156 XD

Sephiroth Memorial Escape Clause
Any misdeed up to and including multiple genocide is forgiveable if you're cool enough.

 

[Sorrowfulturnip]

What are we going to do tonight, Vinsfeld
The goal of every game (as revealed during the Fake Ending) is to Save the World from an evil figure who's trying to take it over or destroy it. There is no way to escape from this formidable task. No matter whether the protagonist's goal in life is to pay off a debt, to explore distant lands, or just to make time with that cute girl in the blue dress, it will be necessary for him to Save the World in order to accomplish it. Take heart, though -- once the world gets sorted out, everything else will fall into place almost immediately.

Tis true in most RPGs. Just think if I had to save the world everytime I go out to the grocery store or I'm on my way to visit a friend's house lol.

 

[toqabowl]

some of my favs:

#25
Dimensional Transcendence Principle
Buildings are much, much larger on the inside than on the outside, and that doesn't even count the secret maze of tunnels behind the clock in the basement.

#37
Fake Ending
There will be a sequence which pretends to be the end of the game but obviously isn't -- if for no other reason than because you're still on Disk 1 of 4.

#50
Short Attention Span Principle
All bookshelves contain exactly one book, which only has enough text on it to fill up half a page.

#69
Fifth Law of Travel
All vehicles can be driven or piloted by anyone. The main character just needs to find out where the bridge or steering wheel is, as he already knows all of the controls.

#76-77
Magical Inequality Theorem
In the course of your travels you may find useful-sounding spells such as Petrify, Silence, and Instant Death. However, you will end up never using these spells in combat because a) all ordinary enemies can be killed with a few normal attacks, making fancy attacks unneccessary, b) all bosses and other stronger-than-average monsters are immune to those effects so there's no point in using them for long fights where they'd actually come in handy, and c) the spells usually don't work anyway.

Magical Inequality Corollary
When the enemy uses Petrify, Silence, Instant Death, et cetera spells on you, they will be effective 100% of the time.

#86
Wait! That Was A Load-Bearing Boss!
Defeating a dungeon's boss creature will frequently cause the dungeon to collapse, which is nonsensical but does make for thrilling escape scenes.

#95
Selective Invulnerability Principle
RPG characters are immune from such mundane hazards as intense heat, freezing cold, or poison gas... except when they're suddenly not. Surprise!

#184
Adam Smith's Corollary
No matter how thoroughly devastated the continent/planet/universe is, there's always some shopkeeper who survived the end of the world and sits outside the gates of the villain's castle, selling the most powerful equipment in the game, like nothing ever happened.

#186
Apocalypse Any Time Now
The best time to do side quests is while the huge meteor hovers in the sky above the planet, waiting to fall and destroy the world.

#188
In Your Face, Jesus!
Even if you manage to deal with him that time, you're not done -- the villain will then transform into his final form, which is always an angelic winged figure with background music remixed for ecstatic chorus and pipe organ.

 

[Danyal]

Insomnia Rule
A "free stay at the inn" is never really free. Expect to be woken up in the middle of the night for a mandatory plot event.


Lol

 

[Neisan]

Favourite of mine just because it's so true in so many games:

#14. Garrett's Principle
Let's not mince words: you're a thief. You can walk into just about anybody's house like the door wasn't even locked. You just barge right in and start looking for stuff. Anything you can find that's not nailed down is yours to keep. You will often walk into perfect strangers' houses, lift their precious artifacts, and then chat with them like you were old neighbors as you head back out with their family heirlooms under your arm. Unfortunately, this never works in stores.