The Help Kelyon Thread because he needs his own thread.

i hope that pic in your sig is a mistake, and not something you're actually contemplating doing... or i will be "teh angree"
 
Kelyon said:
on earth, stay alive. i cant live without my mother. on the phone with my therapist right now.
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You know just as well as anyone that suicide is the easy way out. Can feel compelling at times, but its the cheapest, most selfish solution to any problem. You're also aware that by doing that, your mother will hate herself for the rest of her life for never making up with you, and she will blame herself for your death until she dies, correct? Are you also aware of the sorrow you will bring upon your entire family due to the premature death of their brother (and son, in your father's case), and the possible (and likely) impact on their life that will cause?

Seriously, suicide isn't even something you should be contemplating. No offense, but I wouldn't consider any situation (except for possibly the ending of "The Mist") great enough to even consider that.
 
I know you want to be open with your mother about your boyfriend and things you're doing in your life, but perhaps you should hold back on some of the details until she is able to be more accepting of this. At least you have your father, boyfriend, and friends (including us here) to fall back on for advice and a shoulder to lean on. Let your mother digest this a little bit, it will be hard, but she's your mother, she loves you, and you know that.

And don't be stupid, talking about suicide. When I was 5 years old, I found my father (he's manic depressive) in the bathroom having over dosed on pills... he was hospitalized and that's actually when he was diagnosed manic.
 
One thing you need to think about that you might not be considering yet is the way your mother was raised. Any loving parent is going to accept you any way you are, but if your mother was brought up in a sheltered home or worse was even taught by her family or friends that homosexuality is wrong, it's going to take longer for her to come to terms with something like this. It's her love for her son going against her years of beliefs in basic right vs wrong. She'll side with you in the end, but you can't force it. Let her make small steps towards you and do your best to encourage her and nuture your relationship with her without trying to force it. Good luck with everything, but remember that even though this is incredibly hard for you, it isn't going to be easy for her either if this is something she's been lead to believe is morally wrong.
 
UGH! This shit is so fucking confusing...

Okay, i don't know if i sound like a hypocrite or not but i really do not know.

I am no longer in a relationship, mind you we didn't even date and i had never had a boyfriend before him. Prior to this i had a girlfriend for 5 years. Now, i was thinking if i could see myself with him, or any guy for that matter for that amount of time. I remember talking to my dad awhile back when i first thought that i was not straight. He told me that there is a physical side and an emotional side to every relationship. With Justin there was the physical side. As for the emotional though, there was not ANYTHING natural. I was forcing myself it seemed.

Now, i think back to when i was in the relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years. I felt the emotional and physical side. I felt the physical until we had sex. She was the only one i had ever had sex with, and the last one i would. It just felt awkward as anything. Now i did not think about this then and i didn't talk about it with anyone, i just figured i was not into that. But everything physical besides that was fine, and that means everything. I just told this to my dad and he started to laugh at me. He said that it is supposed to be weird. With her, it was everything.

I just don't know anymore. I just know that i can't have a emotional relationship with another guy. I just tried and i just could not see it.

Now...ugh is all i have.
 
I think you're putting too much thought into the physical act of sex. The first time is awkward for everyone. It sounds like you just had a bad experience and decided on the spot that it wasn't for you. There's a lot more to a relationship than sex. If it's awkward or bad, then you need to talk to your partner about it. This goes for gay, straight, bi, or whatever. Find out why it's bad and see what the two of you can do to make it pleasent. Are you attracted to girls but just not to the thought of sex, or only to guys, or both?
 
Rappa said:
I think you're putting too much thought into the physical act of sex. The first time is awkward for everyone. It sounds like you just had a bad experience and decided on the spot that it wasn't for you. There's a lot more to a relationship than sex. If it's awkward or bad, then you need to talk to your partner about it. This goes for gay, straight, bi, or whatever. Find out why it's bad and see what the two of you can do to make it pleasent. Are you attracted to girls but just not to the thought of sex, or only to guys, or both?
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I am sexually attracted to girls, i can admit that, i am also somewhat to guys.
I am emotionally attracted to girls, but i am not to guys.

The reason i thought i was is a simple reason. He made me feel good. I think i was just being selfish. The way he talked about me just made me feel wanted by another person.
 
I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like the one and only girl you had sex with did something to you that really messed up sex for you. Then you turned to guys in search of answers and found something that felt good and comforting. But it isn't what you really want, it was just a response to a stimulus. I think your mind's just confused and went with what felt good rather than what felt right. Now you're feeling guilty and your mind's wanting to go back to what feels right again. Again, I could be way off so don't really put much credit into what I'm saying.
 
Or it could be that you're genuinely bisexual and have some personal hangups on that idea as well. I think you're right to be in therapy, not because your Mom or Dad or anyone else says so but because I think you have a lot of things you need to work out for yourself. There is zero shame in finding things attractive or stimulating about both sexes, but you seem to be trying to force yourself into one box or the other. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, and what's more, don't let anyone define you, not even your parents.

I hope you are able to do some more soul searching and come to a conclusion that you can live with... and I do mean YOU, not anyone else. You are the only one who has to look yourself in the mirror. You need to do what is best for you, and the people that love you will accept you no matter what you decide.
 
Love isn't as simple as you seem to believe. Most people seem to think sex is going to be this amazing and pleasant experience the first time, and then they get disappointed. First time sucks for everyone, that's just the way it is. Shouldn't be discouraged by it, though. As for love, there's several types of love. You can be physically attracted to someone, emotionally, both. You can like their personality, opinions, intellect, or whatever. A relationship based on only the emotional part is a very close friend. A relationship based on only the physical part does not exist. It is impossible to feel nothing for a person. If you can imagine yourself having sex with someone, you must like them in some way. Unless you're raping them, that is. But its not mutual in that case.

True love is hard to find, and the only way to really find it is to not be discouraged and go out there to date people. Dating someone that always agrees with you won't work out, neither will dating someone that always disagrees with you. True love, in my opinion, is based on the same principles Ying and Yang are.

As for your current problem, you just seem a bit sexually confused. No one can really help you find the answers you seek in that case, as that is something only you can find. Just go out there and experiment, until you settle with one of the other, or both.

To be quite honest, though, my cousin were in the same situation. She found a woman that made her feel good. Made her feel loved and safe. In the end, however, she realized that she didn't really love her, she just enjoyed the way she made her feel. At that point they broke up, and she's now dating a man.

Edit: Also, you said you have no emotional attraction to men, and both physical and emotional attraction to women, but you don't have as strong physical attraction to women? In that case, you can ask yourself this: Which do you consider the most important, the physical part, the emotional part, or a mixture of both?
 
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I feel the need to scream.

I don't get anything anymore, i really dont. The boy here just had to move all the knives away from me. I am just wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I don't understand why i have these feelings i really do not know what to do. I feel like i am on a emotional roller coaster.

I know all the reasons why i want to live. My friends, family, and the joy of being able to breath. I just know that sometimes when i get so low my vision gets blurred, and i can't see those things.

What can i do to help this? I am on anti-depressants now, Wellburtin. But, fuck i dont know. All i know is i don't want these feelings anymore.
 
Kelyon said:
I feel the need to scream.

I don't get anything anymore, i really dont. The boy here just had to move all the knives away from me. I am just wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I don't understand why i have these feelings i really do not know what to do. I feel like i am on a emotional roller coaster.

I know all the reasons why i want to live. My friends, family, and the joy of being able to breath. I just know that sometimes when i get so low my vision gets blurred, and i can't see those things.

What can i do to help this? I am on anti-depressants now, Wellburtin. But, fuck i dont know. All i know is i don't want these feelings anymore.
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First off nothing is "wrong" with you. You're a human being living in a fucked up, complicated world. NOTHING is black and white. And the people who act like it's black and white and like they've got it all figured out are usually just as fucked up as everyone else, they just manage to look perfect while doing it.

Two things: 1 - You need to tell your therapist that you are having suicidal thoughts. Some anti-depressants aggravate that situation, so your emotional crisis right now could be partially your medication as well. To that degree, you need to be sure someone with some knowledge is aware of the extent of your emotional distress. 2 - You need to take a deep breath and take a moment to get some perspective. There is a world of people out there who have gone through, or are going through what you're going through now. The confusion, the fear, the anxiety, the depression... you are not alone at all. My suggestion to you is, if you cannot find someone stable and supportive to help you be strong through this, then look into resources on campus, in your community, on the net, etc. Don't entertain the idea of suicide over something that will pass. You're talking about a permanent end to a problem that will resolve itself in time. It's not going to be easy. It's going to hurt and it's going to take a lot out of you. But simply choosing not to be at all shouldn't even be an option to you. So stop thinking about it like it is. There's a lot worth living for and you know it. So get a grip. And I'm not saying that in a mean spirited way either. I mean it in the warmest way possible. There are people that care about you. That love you. Like your father. So stop panicking and calm down. Cling to the people who are there for you like he is and clear your mind. And once you've calmed the hell down and can think straight, figure out what it is you want; what it is that is going to make you happy, and do it.
 
will you be at the Duke/Terps game?
 
Today is the day that i head home. I can't even go home home until my neck clears they say. I'll keep posted on how that all goes. Three hour drive awaits me.
 
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