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- Sep 27, 2004
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Here's a long one :s This is like the 9th long-ass post on this I've made in 2 months. The others were written far differently, focusing more on her, and more on the negative emotions and hopelessness of it all, I always delete the whole thing and never post, I almost posted one anonymously, but wasn't allowed to make a sock puppet for it. This one focuses more on me, and less on actual emotions and stuff, probably why It's gonna be easy to hit the post button.
---
Right now I'm going through some stuff in my life. Mainly someone I care deeply about, someone I love, is suffering from a major depression. This is taking its toll on me, as it constantly beats down on my emotions, as I try my best to help her. I've downed books, scoured the Internet, paid close attention to classes whenever we're doing depression as a topic, learned all I can, and I listen all I can, do my best. I believed myself to be strong, I could handle it, I have to help her, no matter how hard it is on me.
Unfortunately I think I was wrong. This post's purpose is merely for me to vent. I've talked to friends, both RL and in game only about this, I find just saying stuff to be relieving, I don't need responses, hell I don't really care if they listen, I just wanna put it down in writing. The one downside is bombarding one person with my getting all emo around them is bad, and makes me feel worse about everything, so I try to hide it, not mention it, I'm as normal as can be as long as you don't catch me during my downs.
I find my position and emotional state fascinating, I like looking at myself with an overhead eye, because it's so odd, so hard to explain what I'm thinking, why, how, where. I think for now the best way I can tell what goes on is by splitting myself up into conscious logical thinking, and my abnormal feelings, thoughts and stuff. It's almost like an internal struggle.
Anyways, as I said I'm read up on depression and stuff, I've tried my best to gather information about it. I try my best to help her, I can recognize triggers, signs, and other things in her. But sometime around Christmas I started noticing something very, very scary. I was starting to act like she was in October. I was beginning to show symptoms of the very disease I was trying to fight in someone else. It was minor at first, I told myself I was strong enough to deal with my own minor depressions, after all I knew methods on how to go against it, plus I have high self esteem and crap like that.
Nearing the end of the year though, it was becoming more and more apparent to me that I might seriously get depressed, and things started snowballing down. See my gf, she noticed it, she noticed she was bringing me down, she knew she was hurting me. Which only made her feel more guilty, more hurt, she wanted to protect me, but she couldn't hide it, and it hurt me so much to see her that way.
Anyways I'm leaving out tons of details (they both upset me, and I could probably like write a book on this all). But if we fast forward to last week, it became glaringly obvious I myself had become depressed. I have certain trigger words that make my eyes tear, and feel that horrible sinking feeling in my chest. I end up crying more and more in private, and go into crying spells that can last like an hour. But the strangest part of this all is, I don't know why.
When I cry after a certain trigger, I cry needlessly, my mind isn't thinking of anything hurtful, it's almost as if my subconscious is in agony, but it doesn't want to give up it secrets to me, while my conscious mind remains utterly confused, I don't know why, I think to myself very logically, find nothing wrong, but the pain is there. I find those things so odd, and actually fascinating really, they feel horrible, but they make me wonder, make me think, what the hell is going on in my mind, cause I sure as hell don't know.
My depression (if it even is that >.>) is -nothing- compared to hers though, I would know. Her problems are much, much worse, and when I hit one of her triggers (they're too everyday to not accidentally talk about), that's when I feel the worse, it's at this point my self esteem goes instantly *poof* and I start blaming myself. I -know- I shouldn't of mentioned that topic, I should of kept my mouth shut. Here it's like I have two minds, I have one side, still thinking logically if you will “it wasn't your fault, you didn't know, nothing you could do, lets try method X to calm yourself and her down” and there's the other side that's like “Fuck me, I'm an idiot, wtf did I say, I know I can't mention birthdays”.
Usually around here, she gets really really bad, when it hits her she's making me depressed, which only loops back to me making me feel worse. Usually somewhere here my logical mind loses, and I start crying and crying, my thoughts are all dismal, everything seems to be going wrong, everything seems sooo bad. I'm usually quick to regain control of myself though, after about 1 minute, my logical mind comes back fighting (I love that part of me >.>) I force myself to calm down physically, and emotionally talk to myself, putting everything into perspective, telling myself “I have food, a warm bed, dry stuff, a computer, entertainment, I have good grades, there's nothing -horribly- wrong with me”. The full recovery can take 1-2hrs, during which it's almost like a mental battle, my depressed self making me all sad, my unconscious side crying for no damn reason, and logical self fighting both. I usually get all my conscious thought into control before the crying.
Once I'm merely crying but thinking straight, I have the oddest feeling of safety and security. I feel like I've already won, I'll calm down soon enough, while I still don't know what my subconscious is dying over (the crying can actually be pretty bad here, as in, have to do it in a pillow so no one hears it) but at least I know my conscious space is secured.
I guess this one post is more to describe my mental state. I know something about it is weird, I find it fascinating, I want to know more about what I'm feeling. I'm taking my own depression lightly, I feel like I can fight it well, and control it well. I've also have had some episodes of pretty erratic thinking, to the point where I really had to question my sanity, I wonder about those too.
I also find it funny, how people scoff at people who are depressed, tell them it's not that bad, things could get worse, they just want attention and etc... The funny thing about it all is, at least for me, I know I could be in some far off country with aids working in a mine with a broken hand for a bean a day, I know just about every helpful response someone could get “cheer up”, “get your mind off it”, “do this”, etc.. I just guess it takes personal experience to realize some of these things, and how it's not that easy.
I'm personally grateful I only get bad for short periods of times, and not every day, that my high self esteem, hope, and conscious thoughts fight it well, and I can stay strong for the most part.
For her however, the situation isn't so light, so optimistic. =( I'm trying my best, doing everything I can. She seems to slowly getting better, but this wouldn't of been the first time I “thought” she was getting better when it all blows up. I'm beginning to understand just how bad she must feel, before I could only comfort her, now I know that horrible feeling I get for brief minutes, she has for days at a time.
---
Right now I'm going through some stuff in my life. Mainly someone I care deeply about, someone I love, is suffering from a major depression. This is taking its toll on me, as it constantly beats down on my emotions, as I try my best to help her. I've downed books, scoured the Internet, paid close attention to classes whenever we're doing depression as a topic, learned all I can, and I listen all I can, do my best. I believed myself to be strong, I could handle it, I have to help her, no matter how hard it is on me.
Unfortunately I think I was wrong. This post's purpose is merely for me to vent. I've talked to friends, both RL and in game only about this, I find just saying stuff to be relieving, I don't need responses, hell I don't really care if they listen, I just wanna put it down in writing. The one downside is bombarding one person with my getting all emo around them is bad, and makes me feel worse about everything, so I try to hide it, not mention it, I'm as normal as can be as long as you don't catch me during my downs.
I find my position and emotional state fascinating, I like looking at myself with an overhead eye, because it's so odd, so hard to explain what I'm thinking, why, how, where. I think for now the best way I can tell what goes on is by splitting myself up into conscious logical thinking, and my abnormal feelings, thoughts and stuff. It's almost like an internal struggle.
Anyways, as I said I'm read up on depression and stuff, I've tried my best to gather information about it. I try my best to help her, I can recognize triggers, signs, and other things in her. But sometime around Christmas I started noticing something very, very scary. I was starting to act like she was in October. I was beginning to show symptoms of the very disease I was trying to fight in someone else. It was minor at first, I told myself I was strong enough to deal with my own minor depressions, after all I knew methods on how to go against it, plus I have high self esteem and crap like that.
Nearing the end of the year though, it was becoming more and more apparent to me that I might seriously get depressed, and things started snowballing down. See my gf, she noticed it, she noticed she was bringing me down, she knew she was hurting me. Which only made her feel more guilty, more hurt, she wanted to protect me, but she couldn't hide it, and it hurt me so much to see her that way.
Anyways I'm leaving out tons of details (they both upset me, and I could probably like write a book on this all). But if we fast forward to last week, it became glaringly obvious I myself had become depressed. I have certain trigger words that make my eyes tear, and feel that horrible sinking feeling in my chest. I end up crying more and more in private, and go into crying spells that can last like an hour. But the strangest part of this all is, I don't know why.
When I cry after a certain trigger, I cry needlessly, my mind isn't thinking of anything hurtful, it's almost as if my subconscious is in agony, but it doesn't want to give up it secrets to me, while my conscious mind remains utterly confused, I don't know why, I think to myself very logically, find nothing wrong, but the pain is there. I find those things so odd, and actually fascinating really, they feel horrible, but they make me wonder, make me think, what the hell is going on in my mind, cause I sure as hell don't know.
My depression (if it even is that >.>) is -nothing- compared to hers though, I would know. Her problems are much, much worse, and when I hit one of her triggers (they're too everyday to not accidentally talk about), that's when I feel the worse, it's at this point my self esteem goes instantly *poof* and I start blaming myself. I -know- I shouldn't of mentioned that topic, I should of kept my mouth shut. Here it's like I have two minds, I have one side, still thinking logically if you will “it wasn't your fault, you didn't know, nothing you could do, lets try method X to calm yourself and her down” and there's the other side that's like “Fuck me, I'm an idiot, wtf did I say, I know I can't mention birthdays”.
Usually around here, she gets really really bad, when it hits her she's making me depressed, which only loops back to me making me feel worse. Usually somewhere here my logical mind loses, and I start crying and crying, my thoughts are all dismal, everything seems to be going wrong, everything seems sooo bad. I'm usually quick to regain control of myself though, after about 1 minute, my logical mind comes back fighting (I love that part of me >.>) I force myself to calm down physically, and emotionally talk to myself, putting everything into perspective, telling myself “I have food, a warm bed, dry stuff, a computer, entertainment, I have good grades, there's nothing -horribly- wrong with me”. The full recovery can take 1-2hrs, during which it's almost like a mental battle, my depressed self making me all sad, my unconscious side crying for no damn reason, and logical self fighting both. I usually get all my conscious thought into control before the crying.
Once I'm merely crying but thinking straight, I have the oddest feeling of safety and security. I feel like I've already won, I'll calm down soon enough, while I still don't know what my subconscious is dying over (the crying can actually be pretty bad here, as in, have to do it in a pillow so no one hears it) but at least I know my conscious space is secured.
I guess this one post is more to describe my mental state. I know something about it is weird, I find it fascinating, I want to know more about what I'm feeling. I'm taking my own depression lightly, I feel like I can fight it well, and control it well. I've also have had some episodes of pretty erratic thinking, to the point where I really had to question my sanity, I wonder about those too.
I also find it funny, how people scoff at people who are depressed, tell them it's not that bad, things could get worse, they just want attention and etc... The funny thing about it all is, at least for me, I know I could be in some far off country with aids working in a mine with a broken hand for a bean a day, I know just about every helpful response someone could get “cheer up”, “get your mind off it”, “do this”, etc.. I just guess it takes personal experience to realize some of these things, and how it's not that easy.
I'm personally grateful I only get bad for short periods of times, and not every day, that my high self esteem, hope, and conscious thoughts fight it well, and I can stay strong for the most part.
For her however, the situation isn't so light, so optimistic. =( I'm trying my best, doing everything I can. She seems to slowly getting better, but this wouldn't of been the first time I “thought” she was getting better when it all blows up. I'm beginning to understand just how bad she must feel, before I could only comfort her, now I know that horrible feeling I get for brief minutes, she has for days at a time.
Fixed. -Sculli]
