To be or not to be...

[Helius]

is the question haunting my life right now. (This is a relationship advice question for those who don't want to read anything about this.) So pretty much I've been dating this girl (Lola) for pretty much a month now, we never really picked an actual day since it wasn't like, an official "Will you go out with me?" type deal. So pretty much yeah, some information on it; it's online (for now), we both fell hard for each other in like, the first two weeks. I'm not having the problem of keeping this relationship going since I know for a fact she wants to. My problem is that it conflicts with my religion. (For those of you not religious, please post your opinion too) ~I believe in God, she however does not. Via the "Book" He simply states that you should only be with someone who loves God more then anyone type deal, for good reasons too, mainly just morals and the fact they will go to Heaven and reside there for eternity. I talked to my Youth Pastor about the whole situation. I explained that she's amazing in every way except for the fact she drinks. She does it about every weekend. I'm against it, though I read more into it, it's not like she's fully addicted and gets to the point she can't remember anything. So it's semi-o.k. He (Youth Pastor) explain to me that evangelising(SP) through dating is entirely wrong and creates confusion in the relationship. Which is true, it happened with my friend. She knows I'm religious and she's o.k. with that and respects that, and my belief of no sex until marriage.

So with that, like the topic. "To continue or not to continue" this relationship is my question I'm having, I have religion telling me to stop pursuing it, and then I have my own heart telling me that she's fricking amazing and I should put my all into it. I feel that if we stay together, I will slowly be dragged down, though God wont let me suffer and he'll keep me going and I can slowly without mentioning it, show her God does exist and all that and she'll come to God and yada yada yada... So I just need an outside opinion besides my Youth Pastor and myself. I didn't really talk to any of my friends about it since I already know their answer. (Most of them anyway). I really need some advice on this. Thank you.

 

[Pasquale]

Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl...

I've been on the other side. I got my heart ripped out by a chick because I don't believe and she was coo-koo for christ. She kept trying to get me to go to these Bible Studies and church, and it was driving me crazy. She was super great, so I put up with it until she decided it had to end.

Religion is so touchy with some people, and most people aren't willing to bend. If you have doubts now, you'll probably have them forever. But if this chick is as amazing as you say she is, then work past your religious beliefs.

Whatever you do, don't try to push religion onto her. Its her decision not to want it, and little "god reminders" will drive her insane. Trust me, waking up to a "God is Great" text message from your crazy religious significant other is not as appealing as it sounds.

If things are going so well, then just keep on going. You respect her choice, and she'll respect your choice.

 

[Halifirien]

Your youth pastor is giving you good advice. You and your girlfriend have very fundamental differences when it comes to viewing how the world works, and he's trying to save you a lot of stress and grief.

She may be amazing, but she's not the only amazing person out there. You'd be better served trying to find someone whose values more closely mirror your own.

 

[Tristam Green]

In before ... others. . . whatever.

Your youth pastor is absolutely right, and any good minister, be it senior, junior, or assistant, will tell you those same words.

Prosetylizing to someone during dating is only a recipe for disaster.

I would weigh options.

1.) Would you feel like you are giving up a part of yourself by being with her?
I would argue that nobody should diminish any part of their own being because they love someone. Christians have the tenet of "love God, love thyself, love one another" - which works in that order.
2.) Is *she* okay with your beliefs? If so, then that's good and well. If not, does she feed anti-religious discourse down your throat (I dated an agnostic, she did this)?

She fell in love with you, not your beliefs. If you don't feel the same way about her, it's probably not going to work.

 

[Raesylil]

Respect her space, choices and she will most likely do the same to you.
Push some things onto her and she will push you away for doing so.

To be honest, have you actually met the girl?
She can say she is so-and-so age, what her hair color is, her eyes, etc and she could be something totally different from what she described herself as.
I'm more or less concerned with if she is being truthful to you or not.

I do not believe in organized religion but I do believe that there is a higher entity...I just don't know what it is lol.
The drinking thing could be a phase, I've gone out drinking almost every weekend with my friends for fun when we went out to bars. Sometimes at college parties as well.
As long as she's not drinking to the point of oblivion then I would say it's totally fine.

If you think she's amazing in many ways, then see it to the end.
People have their flaws and imperfections but thats what makes us all human.
No one is perfect, that's all.
If you think she is perfect for you, then good for you.
If you have any doubts in your mind, see if they are actually relevant to the relationship itself, or if they are more or less your fears because of your beliefs and religion.

 

[Uzor]

If you truely love her, then religion isn't an issue. Part of being in love is respecting each other's opinions and beliefs. You don't HAVE to talk about religion with her, just like she doesn't HAVE to say that she believe God doesn't exist.

In a relationship, you don't have to agree about everything. As a matter of fact, agreeing about everything can get extremely boring in the long-run. Accept your differences and love each other as people, not your believes. Religion is more an issue when it comes to Jewish people marrying Christians, or Christians marrying Muslims, and mainly because of the parents and relatives, not the two in love. But that's not the situation you're in.

 

[Excim]

First of all, I believe online relationships are a huge gamble to begin with. I would think it to be very difficult to build a strong base with someone based on txt, pictures, and a few phone calls.

Be that as it may, a difference in religion may seem minor in your lives at this moment, but as your relationship grows (assuming that it indeed will), your difference will become more and more evident.

Thats not to say it's impossible to be with someone who believes in something different, but it's damn hard. It sucks to say, but the odds are against you buddy. Sorry.



Again, notwithstanding anything anybody else has said, in every relationship the small differences get magnified with time.

 

[Lyrai]

To be honest, people that obsess over religion bother me. They're your own beliefs and it's not your place to decide for someone else what they should believe in. If you love this girl, then love comes first. There wouldn't be an issue over religion or anything else like that. As long as she's a good person, what's everything else matter? Isn't there something somewhere that says "We're all god's children?" Respect eachother's beliefs and understand that you'd need to compromise sometimes.

So she drinks once a week, but to what extent? Does she get completely trashed, or does she have a drink or two out with friends? There's nothing wrong with having a few drinks as long as you don't overdo it.

I'm not religious in the least, never have been. I was raised Byzantine Catholic even though my mother's side of the family is all Jewish. Religion was never an issue for my parents. Even though I might not have the same beliefs as you, or someone I might date, I'm a good person. I don't believe your god, or any other god would condemn someone for not exclusively believing in them, even though someone might have all the same morals.

Your girlfriend might think the same way. Just remember though, you are still young and if you're really set in finding someone with exact specifications, you're going to miss a lot of chances for someone that really does love you.

 

[Excim]

To be honest, people that obsess over religion bother me. They're your own beliefs and it's not your place to decide for someone else what they should believe in. If you love this girl, then love comes first. There wouldn't be an issue over religion or anything else like that. As long as she's a good person, what's everything else matter? Isn't there something somewhere that says "We're all god's children?" Respect eachother's beliefs and understand that you'd need to compromise sometimes.

---

Your girlfriend might think the same way. Just remember though, you are still young and if you're really set in finding someone with exact specifications, you're going to miss a lot of chances for someone that really does love you.

Good post. But isn't "loving" someone a sharing of every aspect in and of thier life, and an acceptance of who that person is wholly? Compromise is one thing, but are you will to compromise your religion if the time ever came?


Example: You want to have a large religion based wedding with a priest and church and all that jazz, she wants a justice to wed you in front of a few close friends. What then?

I guess, you really have to decide for yourself what are the things you are willing to give up if you have to for this woman, and will she return the gesture in kind?

 

[Lyrai]

Good post. But isn't "loving" someone a sharing of every aspect in and of thier life, and an acceptance of who that person is wholly? Compromise is one thing, but are you will to compromise your religion if the time ever came?


Example: You want to have a large religion based wedding with a priest and church and all that jazz, she wants a justice to wed you in front of a few close friends. What then?

I guess, you really have to decide for yourself what are the things you are willing to give up if you have to for this woman, and will she return the gesture in kind?

While the exact thing you described is a little difficult, a lot of people marrying a person of another religion will have two people present at the ceremony, such as a Priest and a Rabbi, both working together to perform the ceremony to make both sides of the family happy.

Yes you should love every aspect of someone and their life, but you don't have to agree with it. I don't agree with a lot of things, but I respect other people's choices in life. Part of relationships in general is making choices together, coming up with something reasonable so that everyone is happy, it's not always possible, but even if someone is unhappy with the decision, shouldn't they be happy that their partner is happy?

 

[Excim]

...but even if someone is unhappy with the decision, shouldn't they be happy that their partner is happy?

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care? I dunno, I've seen a lot of people very close to me suffer a whole lot by the decisions (or indecisions) made by thier significant other. I respectfully disagree with this quote Lyrai, even if you may be right.



Two people wanting to be surrounded by religion is one thing, as long as elements of each are represented. But for some people who don't have any religious affiliation, it can make them very uncomfortable to be put in spiritual situations. Thats where a difficult choice would have to be made by both parties involved.

But all this could very well be for nothing, since we both are going on the assumption that this girl would have a problem with being in a religous setting. Maybe it wouldn't bother her at all...



As for the OP, I would still want to have all my cards on the table when the time comes to progress the relationship. It would be a shame to come across a problem later in the relationship over something she should have already known you'd feel strongly about...

 

[Excalibur]

Christians have the tenet of "love God, love thyself, love one another" - which works in that order.

Actually the rule is God > others > me.



First you need to ask yourself if you honestly think this could lead to marriage. With your age, and the fact that it's an online thing, I don't think this is even a question you need to be worrying about right now. I say you continue for now, see how things go and where things are later down the road. I think the only time you need to worry about this is when one of you is ready to get married, and who knows, she might have changed by then.

But yeah..as other people and your pastor have already said, don't try and push anything on her, evangelism through realtionships is one of the worst ways to do it. Really you can only lead through example, if she hangs around you enough, she might see that it's something she wants - but I doubt it, especially with it being online and everything.

 

[Helius]

Thanks for your opinions, and to answer a few things.

-I plan(ned) on going up to see her for Christmas, since I finally found a job at a Chic Fil A. The trip will cost me around 700 dollars. Which I can get.

-We have talked on the phone once, do to international calling. She lives in Canada

-I do know her is her via web cam

-She is totally respectable of my beliefs and I have no intentions at all to push religion on her.

-I do agree with that fact if it's true solid love or seems like it, religion isn't a HUGE deal anymore and is put on the back burner in a sense to the point, marriage and all that.

-I myself don't want a weeding in a church. I want one outside at some exotic place. KAZHAM!!! (lolRandom)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will continue on with the relationship, I have no doubts, I just get stressed at times when she'll say she'll be on or something, then she's off for like 5 days, and I start to worry and then she comes back on, and some drastic story happened. Which is what happened this past week. I do feel strongly towards her with no doubt in my mind that what I feel isn't just lust or a 'thing'. It's 'something' that I want to hold on to, once things on her end settle down I plan to discuss certain matters with her. I realize I am young, I know I still have my life ahead of me, but if she is that special someone now, I really don't want to miss that, and I hate missing opurtunities(SP). I missed so many I have seriously been affected by them.

Again, thank you all, and keep them coming. So far I have receive very detailed and thought out posts and it's nice, I feel comfortable. Thanks again and in advance.

 

[Excim]

Helius, I am all about getting to know someone years before you decide to make a commitment to be with them forever (read marriage). There is nothing wrong with riding out a relationship, no matter what kind it may be (online or not) to see where it may lead to.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket, as they say. No need to whore around, but networking with people and getting to really know a whole bunch of people is your best bet. It'll help you find out who you really are, and what it is you are looking for.

This is a very telling statistic of how things work in the real world.

Atlanta Journal Constitution (subscription) - GA,USA
Divorce law needs no tweaking
Published on: 03/07/05
"Early marriage is a key predictor of later divorce. Nearly half of people
who marry under age 18 and 40 percent under age 20 end up divorced. It's
only 24 percent for people who marry after age 25."

So take it slow, and don't stress yourself out about it. Its nice when you have someone around who cares about you and makes you feel something, but try not to make your world revolve around it. You'd be setting yourself up for failure.

 

[Excalibur]

No need to whore around, but networking with people and getting to really know a whole bunch of people is your best bet. It'll help you find out who you really are, and what it is you are looking for.

Sorry off topic for a second, I just wanted to point out that it's not this way for everyone. I'm pretty much a loner, I value my privacy and prefer the company of myself to most other people. In fact I gurantee you I say more in a day on this forum than irl. I know alot of people, but I only have a small handful of real friends irl. I did most of my "finding myself" from when I was 15 to present, and it's all been alone. Whenever I come to a realization about myself, or I'm struck with an epiphany about life or the world in general, it's because of something I, all by myself, realized. Rarely does it ever have anything to do with something someone else said or did.

 

[Fellina]

As someone who married young (wed at 21) I'm a wholehearted supporter or prolonging marriage as long as possible. There's a whole world of difference between 18 and 24; when you're old enough to have outgrown the hormones and you're still head over heels, that's when you know you've got a keeper.

As for this specific situation . . . you're one month into an e-lationship, of course everything is going to be "amazing". At least meet her in real life first, I've known a number of people who hit it off over the net but once they met IRL there was no real chemistry, just an awkward vacuum where they both wondered wtf happened.

 

[Uzor]

As someone who married young (wed at 21) I'm a wholehearted supporter or prolonging marriage as long as possible. There's a whole world of difference between 18 and 24; when you're old enough to have outgrown the hormones and you're still head over heels, that's when you know you've got a keeper.

As for this specific situation . . . you're one month into an e-lationship, of course everything is going to be "amazing". At least meet her in real life first, I've known a number of people who hit it off over the net but once they met IRL there was no real chemistry, just an awkward vacuum where they both wondered wtf happened.

Yes. My uncle's been doing a lot of internet dating lately. Most of the woman he met online and really liked and thought were awesome, he had no chemistry with what-so-ever when they met irl. He did meet some he still liked, but were just... very odd. Like this one woman that started talking in baby language with him when they had sex. Such as saying weird shit like "Are you going to milk me now?" with this baby-voice when he made love to her curvy torso area.

 

[K. Ishitar]

is the question haunting my life right now. (This is a relationship advice question for those who don't want to read anything about this.) So pretty much I've been dating this girl (Lola) for pretty much a month now, we never really picked an actual day since it wasn't like, an official "Will you go out with me?" type deal. So pretty much yeah, some information on it; it's online (for now), we both fell hard for each other in like, the first two weeks.

I'm not having the problem of keeping this relationship going since I know for a fact she wants to. My problem is that it conflicts with my religion. (For those of you not religious, please post your opinion too) ~I believe in God, she however does not. Via the "Book" He simply states that you should only be with someone who loves God more then anyone type deal, for good reasons too, mainly just morals and the fact they will go to Heaven and reside there for eternity.

I talked to my Youth Pastor about the whole situation. I explained that she's amazing in every way except for the fact she drinks. She does it about every weekend. I'm against it, though I read more into it, it's not like she's fully addicted and gets to the point she can't remember anything. So it's semi-o.k. He (Youth Pastor) explain to me that evangelising(SP) through dating is entirely wrong and creates confusion in the relationship. Which is true, it happened with my friend. She knows I'm religious and she's o.k. with that and respects that, and my belief of no sex until marriage.

So with that, like the topic. "To continue or not to continue" this relationship is my question I'm having, I have religion telling me to stop pursuing it, and then I have my own heart telling me that she's fricking amazing and I should put my all into it. I feel that if we stay together, I will slowly be dragged down, though God wont let me suffer and he'll keep me going and I can slowly without mentioning it, show her God does exist and all that and she'll come to God and yada yada yada...

So I just need an outside opinion besides my Youth Pastor and myself. I didn't really talk to any of my friends about it since I already know their answer. (Most of them anyway). I really need some advice on this. Thank you.

Attempting to change people is never a good thing and just makes the person rebound on you twice as hard(has done this stupid mistake before). I think you see things as a very static sort of way and unchangeable.

You never know someone in her family could die and she reach out to God(someone who she never felt existed) for help at the same time the same predicament could happen to you and you lose your faith cursing a being that let a good person die for seemingly no reason.

It's(like others said) why you should respect different beliefs and be open as possible twoards them when one partner goes through an absurdity(defined as an event that has no set solution to its difficulty) they reach out to the other. Ups and downs happen all the time and people react and change as a result of it.

It's good of you to want to 'put her on the right path' but everyone has to find what's 'right' for them, save the energy for if she wants to be a follower with you.

E-relationships are kinda awkward, I've never personally known a couple making it work, since they tend to fall apart where they start due to one person 'making an idol' of the other and it shown different by face to face. Best of luck with it man

 

[Xalioniaf]

It's been said already many times over.
If you truly love her, religious bend won't matter.

 

[Helius]

Thanks to everyone.~

I'm gonna see where this goes, and I'm gonna try and still go up to visit her for Christmas.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I see QCDN/Quetzalcaotl as my home, I never could say that before. Glad to know people like you all are out there and I'm glad I found a nice bunch, specially on a game :biggrin:

Any who. I'll make sure to post back with updates every couple of weeks or when something major happens.

/bow