Ventilation...

[Mishaela]

I gotta get something off my chest...and no, it's not my cat this time.


A guy's visiting from out of state...to meet my mom. He's possibly moving in...they've never really even met before. Me, most of my family...all but about two members are adamantly against this, but my mom demands her wishes be respected, because we don't know what she's going through...

...Now, to spill the beans...a can that many laugh at fervently - I in fact know what she's gone through. A person I felt I was really connected to and wished strongly to meet for much longer than I wish to admit, I'd only known online. However, due to severe money troubles and mom's dictating of my income (that is...most all of my money is taken to cover food, rent, etc if I have a job at any given time. FFXI itself is a gift from a relative...), as well as her obsession with the thought that everyone on the internet is some serial killer who are only out to rape little girls, my attempts at getting anything digital has proven less than successful; on the contrary, I've gotten a digital camera and a webcam both at separate times, but both wound up getting confiscated before I could put them to use. She demands I get a boyfriend via normal means, that is, hanging out at the mall or meeting people through work. But then, she also has me constantly stay at home doing chores and looking after the house while she's busy - Busy hanging out with her online boyfriend.

...Yes, she's a complete fucking hypocrite...despite this, she expects me to "respect her wishes" and that I should accept how she feels because I couldn't possibly know what she's feeling...needless to say I've been trying my damnedest not to rip off her face for saying such things to me, considering the utter hell she's put me through in terms of cutting me off from even simple means of communication.



Straying from the point. This guy I've never met may be moving in the the house I'm damned to look after because I can't manage to stash enough money to afford to move out, and I don't really have the option of moving in with friends as most are married and/or tend to delve into illegal drugs (sorry, too much of a coward to want to risk getting tied into that). I dunno what to do regarding this...part of me still hasn't accepted the death of my dad and, well, as everyone knows, I'm quite childish about many things...and in this case? I'm incredibly scared. This person's a horrible racist, an incredibly heavy drinker from what I've gathered...I just dunno what to do. If anyone can give me feedback on this, it's be greatly appreciated. The whole idea of some drunken freak I've never met moving in is bad enough, but I think the hypocrisy laced into it is just making this hell for me.








On a more important note...the person I loved has given up, and figured what we've driven for is destined to fail - I don't at all blame him, as we've tried an embarrassingly long time to get things to work, only for it to not. We agreed to try to remain friends but it's been incredibly awkward, and almost any type of subject is impossible to discuss for one reason or another...and it'd seem any hopes at a normal friendship have been drug into an early grave as well. Thus, we've...grown to virtually not speaking, ever.

On the outside I feel unscathed, but then things pop up...whether it be successes in a game, fun times of a day. A new anime, movie, book, or song I found. I normally goto him to spread to the experience...but he's not there. That feeling of joy, or of new, happy experience, suddenly feels incomplete and unravels before me. Even if I just want to share an idea for the story I'm working on, or just feel bored and want to help someone do some meaningless little thing as a pass time...he's just not there. I know it's a cliche saying, but things really do just feel incomplete without his presence in some form.

And I dunno what to do about this, either...I mean I know I can pass time by doing more chores...or perhaps helping random people in FF or something? But I know poking at the same people, asking if they need help with something or chatting with em daily seems to creep them out. I feel so timid yet edgy without him, and that my word holds so much less value than it used to. I've lost my appetite, lost sleep...why? Losing him wasn't even a terribly recent occurance...maybe I'm just pathetic? Maybe I'm just too much of a coward for my own good?

 

[Flymop]

We've all been there, some more then others but we've all been at the same point as you, some point in our lives (not the internet guy moving in part, the other part). For the part about losing your bloke, it'll be difficult for a little while, you've just got to try and keep busy and not focus on what happened and why it did. If it was due to money problems like you said then it isn't your fault and you shouldn't think it or be ashamed/scared of it. Time is the best healer out and you'll soon realise things happen because they happen and that all problems will eventually sort themselves out, as long as you don't go picking at them or digging a bigger hole for it.

Look at things as they are ment to happen like that for a reason. The reason usually shows itself after a short amount of time after the event and then you'll realise why its happened. Just gotta sit back, not worry and delve too deep into thought on a touchy subject or situation in your mind and just watch the rest of it play out. I'll pm you some other stuff about this.

About the internet guy moving in, what I would do and what I am actually doing right now as the same type of thing is happening to me right at this moment in time, is to just sit back again and just see what happens and evaluate whats going on.

If something doesn't seem right then you have to at first just talk to your mum about it. Don't be too pushy or confronting, try and be subtle about it but firm and get the point across. If that doesn't seem to work then talk to your relatives or a friend that your mum is very close to, explain the situation and your concerns to them and get them to try and talk to your mum about it.

Cant think of anything else at the moment, if I do, ill pm it over.

 

[Legomyeggo]

Just do what I do. Bottoms up!

 

[Svina]

Just do what I do. Bottoms up!

That solves the problem. Until you throw up.

Then you remember your problems AND you have puke in your nose =)

 

[Bigboy]

People trip and fall down the stairs all the time... especially drunks.

 

[Legomyeggo]

That solves the problem. Until you throw up.

Then you remember your problems AND you have puke in your nose =)

Yeah but when you wake up, you get a kickass hang over. As painful as they are, hang overs are sweet. I feel like I'm fuckin Spider-Man with all the sensitive hearing and sight from all the alcohol running through my veins.

 

[Stouter]

Just tell your mom that you've met a guy on the internet and you're going to move in with him.

 

[Ranpha]

Now a lot of this may sound cold and non personal but I am not a psychologist or trained in social work. I might also mention that I scored lowest in having a career in social work. (‘-‘)b

Mom and guy from the internet possibly moving in

This has been tried tested and true that in most cases, it does not work out. Likewise with roommate selection, interview first. And if you are very paranoid about this person: background check. It’s easy to do. All you need is a name and location.

Mother:
It sounds like a midlife crisis or something of that nature. Both men and women can go through these and it does not matter whether they are single, married, or divorced. Or it could be something else which would require someone with more expertise on the subject. From the brief history Mish talked about, it could be an ongoing series of some possible things:

Is she ever happy? Does she ever have a positive opinion? People who choose to be constantly unhappy usually stay unhappy on their own will.

Despite what Mish thinks, she does not know exactly how her mother feels. Seriously. We all try to know our loved ones best but in reality, we do not. All we can do is listening and give feedback.

Did she ever have time to grieve? Did she seek outside help or a trained professional? With a loss of a loved one, it takes more time to grieve.

Ask yourself these silently:
Are there financial problems currently? Were there always financial problems or did this start after the death of the father?

How was she before your father passed away?
-Near the point of death?
-Afterwards?

Is she currently employed? How is her work changed if at all?

Are there any new habits she has picked up over time? Has she stopped doing things that she used to find enjoyable?

My best suggestion would be to seek professional help. And if expense is a problem, there are free services provided by the government (assuming this is in the states). A lot of religious affiliations (such as Churches) provide counseling for free. Something is apparently wrong with the relationship in the family and a third opinion from someone can be an eye opening experience. Of course it will take effort and research to find the best person for the case.

http://locator.apahelpcenter.org/ Find a psychologist in the states and Canada ;p
http://www.cpa.ca/ finds one in Canada
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/ and http://www.samhsa.gov/ websites about the people who do this stuff for a living.

The relationship thing

Good relationships come and go and so do the bad ones. Sometimes you have best friends at the end or people you never see again. What is left now? Single perks! You can choose to be unhappy and delve about the last one and not having a boyfriend or you can take this as a learning experience and move on.

Some things to do on your own:

Whenever you can find the means to move out, try it. The road to independence is financial security. Are there any family members willing and stable to take you in until you can get financial independence? Are there any relatives you can talk to? Write up a sample budget of an estimate of how much things cost. It is a good start to see where you will need to go from there (overestimating is ok).
----------------
Electric
Cable/internet
Phone/cell/prepaid?
Monthly subscriptions (mmos, member dues)
Utilities (sewage, trash collection)
Rent
Groceries
Transportation
Personal expenses
Deposit into savings
Leftover for emergencies
----------

One way to try and achieve some independence is actively inquire and seek work even online. There are websites to get in contact with people who can help. Discuss with an employer agency, social worker, community college advisor your unique situation. Their job is to help or give suggestions for you. You never know what is out there until you try. Anyone can complain and not do anything.

With all of this in mind, it is not going to be easy by any means. It takes effort and persistence. Some people may not be entirely too happy about the situation or your choices, believe me. But when all the hard work pays off, it feels good.

 

[Westyle]

Everyone I meet on the Internet lives 500+ miles away. This appears to be my minimum radius of attractiveness. Its a real bitch.

If this guy's like you say he is, I'd try to stay away from him. But doing that at all times is impossible. Try to work that other guy into a protective role. Great success!

 

[meeze]

can't believe you put me on blast like this =/

 

[Myrrh]

I know how you feel for most of it Mish. Few years ago my mom met someone on the net and forced me to move to the states so she can be with him. It didn't last long though. He cheated on her and got another woman pregnant. The most you can do about that is hope your mother realizes that he is a prick fast and the pain won't be too bad.

I know what's it's like to have a mother like yours. My mom won't let me go out because i'm sick yet she bitches at me about not going out. She uses my lung transplant as a excuse to guilt trip me into doing what she wants or tells me that i'm killing myself early by going through with it. The most i can tell ya for that is to either ignore her completely or try to move out. When ever i'm pissed at my family members i don't speak to them at all. I went a full weak without speaking to anyone in my house and i felt better. It works wonders and you get a nice break. Try to give it a go.

I can't really lend any advise on the moving out part. I'm stuck in the same situation as you. My friends either do drugs and i don't want to get into that or they are Marajade and i don't like him enough to move in with him(that and i can't work to earn rent and my disability isn't even enough to cover food for me let alone rent). Life is unfair to the good people and retardedly fair to the bad people.

For the relationship issue, I kinda know what you're going through. I met a girl in my city through the net. We've only met a few times but when things were starting to get serious I ended up sick and in the hospital. She thought i didn't like her and moved on. I deeply liked this girl too. If it wasn't for my health i think i would have found my special someone out there.

If you're suffering from depression you could try to get some happy pills to help you out. Also, find someone that you can talk to about anything. Just venting to someone can help a lot. If it wasn't for my ignoring my family and venting to a close friend i would have gone insane by now. I'm not sure if what i said can help but i wish you the best and i want you to know i'm here incase you need someone to talk to.

 

[Legomyeggo]

If you're suffering from depression you could try to get some happy pills to help you out.

As great as they were the first few days, some of them have tard side effects and some are habit forming. As much as I would like to be happy, I couldn't stand that synthetic feeling. I'd much rather deal with it myself (read: get shitfaced).

 

[Lanien]

Need a place to stay Ish? Fouton with your name on it in NY lol

I don't really know what to say to this. What I wonder is does this guy have a job, or any kind of income on his own, and does he have a house he selling and stuff like that, or is he just getting to move in and now has your mom for a sugar mama?

 

[Svina]

As great as they were the first few days, some of them have tard side effects and some are habit forming. As much as I would like to be happy, I couldn't stand that synthetic feeling. I'd much rather deal with it myself (read: get shitfaced).

Honestly I'd suggest no form of substance abuse whatsoever. It just leads to more problems. I got through a similar situation with nothing of the sort helping me out. Just takes time.

 

[Darkdante]

Parents deserve to have a chance to move on. Unfortunatly........

Thinking that a parent should only go out with someone thier kids approves of works both ways........ I'd never want my mother critiquing all of my girlfriends, I'd never get to go out much then.

A parent is automatically a hypocrite as soon as that parent tries to tell thier children not to do something that they have done before. Meaning when you become a parent you too will be a hypocrite, but should that stop you from saying what you belive to be the right thing for the kids you love? You wouldn't be much of a parent if you let hypocrisy get in your way.

Unless of course your a Saint.

 

[K. Ishitar]

Depression drugs eh most of them make you feel more sick than you were to start with

i have a friend that used to use them now she has all kinds of buggy shit wrong with her that she tells me about

don't take them if you can help it, most of them have pretty bad side effects

 

[CmdrFly]

It may be time to get serious about moving out on your own.

Look for social/subsidized housing with reduced rent where you can build up your assets (furniture etc) while you stabilize your independant life.

Your mom shouldn't be depending on you this much. Ideally there would be little to no dependancy, but in any case it should usually be you depending on her. If she sees you move out on your own, as a testamonial outcry against her decision for this dude to move in with her, maybe it'll flip a switch in her head and she will reconsider / postpone it.

If you want to teach your parents a lesson it usually seems to require drastic measures.

 

[Nycon]

Sounds like a tough situation. I would have to agree with Cmdr though, and say try to save up and move out. I guess I dont' know how old you are, but if your over 18, it may be best to move.

 

[Legomyeggo]

Honestly I'd suggest no form of substance abuse whatsoever. It just leads to more problems. I got through a similar situation with nothing of the sort helping me out. Just takes time.

Oh, yeah definitely. I wasn't implying for her to drink, that's just a bad habit I managed to pick up from my father.

 

[Rinoah]

Wow all that sucks. Well i figure i'll start by letting you know you have my sympathy and no doubt everyone else's who has read this thread.

Onto your actual problems:

#1 Drunk guy; is he as bad as you make out? Not calling you a liar, but with you losing your dad and your mom trying to move on i advise making sure that you dislike him for real reasons instead of taking any faults and making them more serious because he isn't your dad.

Of course assuming that he is as big an ass as you believe he is (which is probably more likely) then i suggest the plan of informing your mother you are going to move out. That might shock her to her senses, if not i also suggest pointing out how much of a huge hypocrite she is being. Not pleasent but it sounds like she could do with coming to her senses. If she still has him coming over then i suggest squirreling away until you can move out.

Also remember that while moving in with friends isn't an option crashing at their place for a night is. I'm sure they wouldn't mind helping a friend out with a room for the night, and your child disappearing for a night when you have no idea where can be an awful thing and yet again is sure to bring her back to her senses.

Onto the more personal problems you've been having. Time is the best healer really. Maybe have a drink and a good cry one night, let the grief out, but aside from that no drugs is a good idea. As for the filling your days now, i advise just chatting to people and being social. While yes you bugging your friends every few seconds may be a little annoying they should appreciate you are going through a hard time and want someone to talk to. Besides why just stick to your current friends? Make new ones, become a social goddess lol.

Also have you considered looking on the internet, places around your town/city (i don't live in america no idea where you would look) for living accomodation? Perhaps you could even try universities where students live off campus, and get a place with some other people. Makes things alot cheaper and you might even have some people there who will be able to offer some help with the transition from home to living by yourself.

I hope any of the advice helps. Best of luck with the whole situation and if you wish to talk then i'm probably in game and there is also a handy pm feature.