Yet again...

[Mishaela]

Yeah...I've made some pretty crappy RL-related posts in the past....and I know this entire thread probably screams emo....and sorry if it does......


It's be a wonderful year....having to choose between $1700 in surgery for my cat, only to have a 30% chance at survival or simply putting him down, because his kidneys were so bad we couldn't legally leave the vet...my great grandpa dying...grandma getting cancer....great grandma dying..one of my best friends getting cancer...dad dying....great aunt dying...

All within a cute little f-!king 11 month period. And now...my grandpa, probably one of the closest relatives I ever had..so much that I gave him his own silly nickname of "Papa"...is now dying as well. They don't think he'll survive til the end of today. His kidneys and liver are failing, he's retaining too much water and it's stressing his heart, he can't take a water pill or his BP will drop far too low.....they literally can't do anything.

Right now....I just feel f-!king broken. Nothing ever seems to go right, nomatter where I go. I can't escape it online, I can't escape it IRL. I dunno what to do anymore....I felt to post this, because my friends IRL had no experience with such things, and were unable to give advice....which I could really, really use right now....'cause I dunno what to do anymore, I can't take this constant loss on a bi-monthly basis....

 

[Falsey]

Sometimes it just helps to find a person you can trust, and that, more importantly, will understand you, and just cry to them. Like cry untill you cant see or breathe anymore. It can do wonders to relive some stress.

As far as mending your feelings, only time can help you do that.(I know its the same crap everyone says blah blah, too bad its true.) Everyone has good and bad days, shit even months or years. A few years back I lost 2 people and almost my mom, lost my mom, my gf, and the world seems to have ended right there at that one moment, and nothing was worth living for anymore. I wasnt going to kill myself, it just seemed like I had nothing to live for, no one to talk to.

But its times like those that make the rest of your life seem worth it. You will bounce back, and you will feel better, it could take a long long time for that, but you will feel better one day.

 

[Zerayla]

Really sorry to hear about all the bad things that have been happening to you, and though I haven't had to deal with death and i'm sure there isn't much that can compare to losing a loved one, I have also had a pretty bad year which makes you constantly think "ok, what next? What worse could go wrong?" and then of course, something does -_-

Life is truly just a test for us, we're dealt some good experiences, but also dealt with the bad ones... and its a test to see if we can get through them somehow. Everyone has their own way, sometimes its through the love and support of your friend, a family member... other times its through understanding yourself, there's a lot of variables. Just keep in mind that as a person, you're here for a reason and keep believing that you can get through all the sadness and pain i'm sure you must be feeling. Do what you know will help comfort you, and try to keep in sight at least something to hope for.

I really hope that things can improve for you, that your situation gets better. I don't believe that you really need to escape your life no matter how agonizing it can be, but to live through it will teach you something. Mind you, little escapes are alright in moderation *points to FFXI*

Best wishes for you and your loved ones.

 

[Mishaela]

I understand that time will, eventually, heal all wounds....but it's continuity of occurance is making recovery all but impossible. Maybe for some it's easy to move on after a month or two, but I've not been granted even that much time to recover before yet anything thing is thrown out. M'f-!king tired of having this cloud of misery raining over my head, really makes it hard to be fun to be around and stuff...

 

[Rones]

You should be grateful you had the opportunity to meet so many wonderful people. Many never even have a chance to get to know their grandparents, let alone great grandparents. Be happy with what you experienced with them and do not be saddened by what is beyond your control.

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."
-Epictetus

"The mind in itself wants nothing, unless it creates a want for itself; therefore it is both free from perturbation and unimpeded, if it does not perturb and impede itself."
"If you are distressed by any external thing, it is not this thing which disturbs you, but your own judgment about it. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now."
-Marcus Aurelius

"Life is just a long string of greetings, reunions, and goodbyes"
-Can't remember

 

[Lokkin]

Sorry to hear about all the stuff thats been happening to you Mishaela. especially when you aren't getting the time to recover. Just remember, things always get better. If you can endure something, you'll be all the stronger for it. Sorry for your losses, and hope you feel better soon.

 

[Zyndara]

I remember reading in a book by the Dalai Lama that one of the things that we as human beings tend towards is the "why me" mentality when things go wrong. We fight change and we ask ourselves "why is this happening" and "what did I do to deserve this?" It's human nature. The Dalai Lama says in the book that as a buddhist, he accepts that life is suffering...that it is all about living through these things that happen because they will happen, there's no avoiding them. He goes on to say that while many people find that type of thought pessimistic and depressing, that it actually improves your outlook on things. When you stop looking at things as if... "the planets are aligning against me" and accept that it is all a part of the journey... part of the cycle that all things go through, then these things become easier to bear. It won't make you mourn any less or feel any less pain, but it may lessen your depression and pain if your focus stays on coping with the loss at hand and not on the feeling that you are being cosmically wronged in some way.

I wouldn't just be saying this like I don't know what you're experiencing...I had a similar time not too long ago which is why I started reading books like the Dalai Lama's and spent quite a bit of time seeking out something to kind of ease my anguish. I'm not a very religious person, but I consider myself a spiritual one. The only thing I can tell you is to allow yourself to feel what you must. Don't let yourself or anyone else make you feel like the emotions you're dealing with are foolish or wrong. Have faith that as much as your loss will affect you...as much as you will miss the people whom you have cherished...it is the way of things and you will get through it. Rely on your personal strength and the memory of those you loved to pull you through. Comfort yourself by remembering what they brought to your life and how because of that, they will always be with you. You feel broken and worn, but you will make it through. Maybe meditating isn't your thing, though it helped me get through what I experienced immensely, but try to spend some time to heal yourself doing something that makes you feel happy and peaceful. Time does heal most wounds. Give yourself the time you need.

And since I'm starting to sound like one of those renegade new-agey folks, I'm gonna stop now. :biggrin: But I do hope that you find comfort soon and that you have a break from all you've been struggling with. Take care.

 

[Runekane]

I'm sorry, that sounds like a really bad run of luck, the same thing happened with my mom a year and a half ago. Within a year (starting a little before Christmas one year, and ending a week after the following Christmas), her mom, dad, close cousin and one of our favorite pets had died... it was very very difficult for her, especially since she was so close with them growing up. One thing she didn't do was blame herself - it wasn't her fault they died, although it's perfectly ok to grieve, and respectable to, you shouldn't blame yourself for what happens to other people if it isn't something you can control. You can love them all you want, and you should. As long as you remember them, and hold them in your heart, they'll still be there with you. Think of the good times, and what wonderful opportunities you DID get to have with them. Plus, I know this sounds kind of mean, but they won't be in pain anymore in this world... :-/ I'm probably coming off like a total bastard, but I am saying pretty much don't forget about them, think about all the times you enjoyed with them, and be gracious for having their presence in your life while they were here. Sometimes, it's just time to go and move on for some people, you know? I hope I was of some help, as my heart goes out to you, that's rough.

 

[Alyada]

Really sorry Ish. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[Audino]

Sorry to hear about all that Mish, sounds like you went through a really tough year. I haven't gone through too much/as much as you have. I still have all 4 grandparents around, though my grandfather on my mothers side keeps having to go in for heart surgeries. Coincidently though, I lost one of my two cats a few months ago when she was at the young age of 20. My cat that I still have now I have had since I was 3 years old, making her 22. She's in pretty bad shape as far as strength and weight goes so I know it won't be much longer. But still.. ; ; after having her my whole life its going to be like losing a best friend. If you ever want to talk or anything, I'm always in game.

 

[Mattaru]

This may sound strange Mish, but you should try and get active in some sort of meditation practice: Meditation, Tai Chi, or Yoga. It really helps to calm you, deal with pain and think positively. Trying to break the cycle of negative thinking and emotion, which over time is just self-perpetuating is key, the best way to do that is find positive things and different outlooks.

An 11 month period? Well...I don't know the background for you but my ex-gf would have very long and intense periods when she was younger (like when she first started getting them) and thought it was normal for awhile...I'm sure you've looked into that already.

 

[Ronith]

I understand that time will, eventually, heal all wounds....but it's continuity of occurance is making recovery all but impossible. Maybe for some it's easy to move on after a month or two, but I've not been granted even that much time to recover before yet anything thing is thrown out. M'f-!king tired of having this cloud of misery raining over my head, really makes it hard to be fun to be around and stuff...

That's right Time does heal all wounds, but most of the time, far too damn slow...

I was lucky enough to be a guy who can just get into a game or a movie, and completely forget what's going on around me or in my life... I know that sounds bad, but it really helps me keep myself intact... it hurts to see a family member go Ish, but it really hurts to see them all going especially like that, I'm really sorry for what's going on and I hope you the best... and I do not do this much, but when I do I will pray for your family, trust me praying + ron = rare occurance so it should work!

Hope you fair well in all of this ish...

 

[annabelle]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. He must have been special to have developed such a strong relationship to you.

The only memories I have of my grandfather are of a man struck with disease who couldn't speak, see, hear, or walk without two people holding him up. When he passed away, his loss didn't bother me that much because he had always seemed near death in my eyes. But when I attended his memorial service, the people that known him his whole life spoke of an energetic and compassionate man that I never knew.

Cherish always the bond you were able to share with your grandfather. Even if the closer relationship means a greater feeling of loss when it's gone, I'm sure you wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

 

[Mishaela]

An 11 month period? Well...I don't know the background for you but my ex-gf would have very long and intense periods when she was younger (like when she first started getting them) and thought it was normal for awhile...I'm sure you've looked into that already.

What the f-!k? o_o; I meant time-span, not......am I reading that right? Wow...



Uhm....papa passed away....roughly an hour after I posted on Thursday....so...uhmmm....thanks for the feedback, everyone...I really dunno what to say on the matter anymore...


*edit* Oh f-!k, this isn't why you passed on the Jelly Ring, is it Aly...?

 

[Mattaru]

What the f-!k? o_o; I meant time-span, not......am I reading that right? Wow...

roflcoptor

 

[Zhaoyun]

Aly told me he passed on it because you could use it more.

My brother has a kind heart.

So sorry to hear about your grandfather though, Ish.

 

[tonicfly]

Ish i understand what your going through. I myself have had the enjoyment of knowing my great grandparents also and this is a lil story of my own along with what i had to do to cope, hope something helps. For almost all my life my great grandma was the one that was always on deaths door. going through heart bypass surgeries when she had heart attacks and getting severly burned when their house had burned down. but through all this she had survived. all my life my great grandpa was the strong one in the family he was over 85 years old (Noone actually knew how old he really was cuz of no birth record) and walked atleast 3 miles every morning before working on his car or garden. Well when i was in basic training for the army I had gotten the shock of my life that my great grandpa had died. With the way he died though is still kinda of weird that noone really knows. just days before he had his annual check up and was given a clean bill of health. Well when he was making his weekly visit to his parents graves to put up fresh flowers he had a heart attack and from what the rest of the family said it looks like he had laid down right inbetween his parents graves and that is where he died. Now it was a shock to everyone that he died but this was the beginning of the end for my great grandma (who everyone in the family called Mim, i still to this day do not even know her real first name). For my family it wasn't the death that saddened everyone it was the fact that my Mim had now given up on life. It was really hard when i finally was able to go home on vacation because i was not able to make it to the funeral for my great grandpa (its kinda funny everyone in the family called him Papa also). Well when i was finally able to see Mim i was shocked at how much she had changed from when i had last saw her. She had lost alot of weight mind you she was never a big women but she was now weighing about 80 lbs and the smile that i always remember that she had on her face was gone. and me being the second oldest great grandchild i had the enjoyment of spending entire summers with my great grandparents and when Papa had died Mim was asking everyone where i was at. Well when i finally got a chance to see her she was already in the hospital because she had quit eating and was literally on life support to live at that point because she had literally given up on life. Well when she finally realized it was me everyone started crying because that was the first time she had smiled since Papa had died. But the thing was when i was talking to her she never cried or anything she was telling me about all the great times her and Papa had spent together over the many years they were married and how she couldn't wait to see him again. Well she lived only a few more months after that. I was one of the pallbearers at the funeral and most of the funeral a few cried but not as many as you would expect at a funeral. Just about everyone there was talking about the good times that were spent with Mim and Papa. It was actually a rather good time because i was able to learn alot about my beloved great grandparents from the experiences of the rest of my family. Afterwards most of the family went back to my great grandparents house and we had a really big cookout so to speak that was spent going through my great grandparents things and talking about more memories regarding certain items and pictures. Everything that was theres was given to the people that had cherished memories regarding certain items. The only thing i got was my Papa's knife and gun collecting because everyone in the family knew how much i cherished that and from his collecting i had started my own. And for me his collecting has not really been entered into my collection so to speak. I went and bought a china cabinet and with my grand parents permission the cabinet is now placed in their dining room with all the pieces of my Papa's collection desplayed in it. Because to me his collection is not a collection of items but a collection of memories. For me i have never really dwelled on their deaths but the memories that i have shared with them or the memories that have been told to me by the rest of the family. Alot of people sit back and reflect on their loved ones last days which are always the hardest to remember and don't really think of the times that they have had the pleasure to spend with them. It is very hard to deal with but please just sit back and think of all the great times that you have had with the family members that you have lost. All in all i hope the best for you. and if ya ever wanna talk just send a tell to the huggle galka Tonicfly