Sports to Ignore
Diving: Not sure what the big achievement is in walking off the end of a plank and succumbing to gravity. Big deal. To really make the divers demonstrate some skill, the diving events should be help in a zeroG environment like the International Space Station.
Cycling: It seems a colossal waste to me to have a dozen cyclists, in peak condition, furiously pedaling their sleek carbon-fiber machines at mind-boggling speeds... and not a single one of them is carrying a takeout order of Chinese food. Because once you're past the age of 12, the only legitimate reason I can think of to get on a bicycle is to deliver someone's steamy container of moo shu pork. I saw we limit the cycling events to professional delivery boys and bike messengers, and here's a thrilling twist I came up with the other night while watching The Road to Perdition: Each contestant is carrying an envelope he's supposed to deliver to the judge. Inside the envelope: an order to shoot the cyclist dead. The sepctators know what's in the notes - the athletes have no idea!!!
Synchronized Swimming: I defy you to watch this sport and tell me the Olympics have no hidden gay agenda, and probably some kind of nose clip kickback scheme going on as well. Besides, a sport in which you win by doing exactly what your partner is doing goes against our American tradition of individuality: It's the aquatic equivalent of the Soviet army marching in lockstep through Red Square, if that army were also wearing women's bathing suits and occasionally twirling in unison. So I reject synchronized swimming, and call instead for it to be replaced by an improvised freestyle underwater dance jam. Still gay, but now American gay.
Fencing: I like the concept. I don't like the mask, or protective jumpsuits, and for God sake use a real sword, not those effete little French things. I mean, does "epee" sound like something you could open an artery with? You need a blade that wouldn't embarrass a pirate, or maybe one of those martial arts swords that look like a long walking stick but then when a guy tries to attack you, you pull it apart and whoosh! It's actually two swords. Speaking of martial arts, a few throwing stars couldn't hurt fencing, or any sport for that matter. And can we please get rid of that ridiculous electronic scoring system that uses sensors to tell us someone has made a hit? That's what blood is for.
