Hello everyone. I realize that I haven't been here in around two months, and some of you may have forgotten about me, but I am in dire straits, my mind is spinning, and I have never been more depressed in my life.
The only way I can make you understand is from the very beginning (names will be changed to keep this from being blatently obvious to anyone from SCU who happens to read this). I arrived at SCU (Santa Clara University) two months ago, which prompted my respite (retirement?) from FFXI. I quickly made close friends here on the third floor of Walsh Residence Hall. Being around these people twenty-four-seven sure brings the relationships along at a torrent pace. I guess I'll outline my closest friends here (remember, names are changed so they may sound strange):
The Guys:
Gow, the globally-ranked badminton player: Gow is a really cool guy and fun to be around; however, he flirts with all the girls which is alright until he gets a girlfriend. He and Bella may have something going on so he had better stop soon.
Ron, one of four Filipino exchange students whom I know: Ron is also a really great guy; I'm pretty sure he's gay but nevertheless he is really cool to hang out with and he's great to have deep conversations with.
Ralph, another Filipino exchange student: Ralph lived in L.A. for much of his childhood, so he is the most Americanized of the exchange students (I actually didn't know he was an exchange student until the second week). Ralph is also a really great guy, and I considered myself very close friends with him up until yesterday--a part of me still likes him, but a part of me hates him more than I've hated anyone perhaps in my entire life. More on this later.
Earl, another exchange student: Earl is very smart but a tad socially awkward. Nonetheless, he is well-liked and his social quirks liven up the scene most times. I must say he is a great guy as well. He is roommates with Ron and Ralph (the only "triple" on the floor).
Matt, my roommate: Matt was incredibly reclusive for the first two weeks of school, practically living in his bed with his laptop all day long. We as a community eventually broke him out of it, and now he is one of the coolest guys around. He is a man of few words but every one of them is golden. He is very intelligent, has a quick wit, and is overall a joy to be around.
Carl, probably the guy who is the most comfortable with his sexuality that I've ever met: Carl seems very extroverted, but in reality he is shy by nature. He is the least gay guy you would ever meet, but he occassionally kisses guys on the cheeks just to get a reaction--I'm pretty comfortable with my sexuality as well so he didn't creep me out too much, but I must admit he got me. He is currently attempting to woo Alice, but this is a secret so only a handful of us are aware. He is Gow's roommate.
Dave, the closet nerd: On the surface, Dave is a skater, a pot-smoker, and he had to go to military school because of his behavior. Underneath, he is a computer nerd, plays Magic the Gathering, and is a level 60 something-or-other in WoW. He is currently kinda-sorta with Alice.
Dong, the other computer nerd: Not that I'm not one myself, but Dong takes it to another level. I specialize in software--not only are his software skills superior to mine, but he can find hardware problems usually within minutes as well. He also plays Magic and WoW along with Dave, and they are roomates so I guess that works out pretty well. The one thing about Dong is that he has no apparent sex drive. We can only speculate that he must be gay (he does hang out with Matt a lot), but that's really not a big deal anyway.
The Girls:
Alice, the sexy latina: I was instantly attracted to Alice upon arriving at SCU, and I tried to win her over but I forgot that I'm ugly. She simply had no attraction toward me. She is very cool, however, and I feel that I can talk to her about deep issues. I actually started liking her, but I nipped it in the bud because I knew it would only cause heartache down the road--I was moderately depressed for a day or two after I did that but I felt fine afterwards. She is a close friend of mine now.
Bella, the female Filipino exchange student: Bella is very sweet--we have equated making fun of her to making fun of a puppy: you just can't bring yourself to do it. She is very prudish and innocent but we are breaking her shell a bit (we actually got her to say "fuck" once or twice). The only boyfriend she has ever had was with her for a year before she called him her boyfriend, and another year before they even kissed. Kudos to that guy for patience, eh?
Lee, the smart, funny, witty, amazing girl who is caring and kind and prompted this visit to you all: It all started as a very close, very deep friendship. She was giving me tips trying to help me win over Alice, and when I failed she consoled me. We took long walks together and discussed life in general--she told me how her mother had passed away from cancer just months before, and I consoled her. We talked about relationships, and how she had only had one prior boyfriend--she was surprised to learn I had never had a girlfriend. You see, I was always told that I was "too nice", or "boyfriend material, just not for me", or "it would ruin our friendship", or any other tidbit of utter garbage that you can think of. After all of these heart-to-hearts, I was beginning to develop feelings for Lee. The way she smiled all cute with her tongue sticking out ever-so-slightly, the way she would curl up and blush when she got embarassed, the way she laughed. . . . It seems I'm typing too much here; let me move on to the bulk of this.
As you know, it all started with me being attracted to and then even liking Alice. I had liked several girls before, and this was no different. When things didn't pan out, I was sad, maybe even a little depressed, but I dusted myself off and got over it like I always have. Then I started hanging out with Lee more and more, and not only is she by far the best friend I have made here, I like her more with every passing minute. I can't call it love because I know it can't be, but it makes me wonder if I ever really liked any of those girls at all, because this is a whole other level, a whole other degree. This is the strongest attachment I've ever felt to a girl in this manner, by a long shot.
Anyway, here is the major problem: during one of our heart-to-hearts, after I had just begun to like her, she mentioned that she had just recently had a messy breakup with her ex, and she wasn't ready for a relationship. Wanting to respect her space, I hid my feelings for her, but like a fool I let them grow, thinking that someday she may be ready and I could ask her out. I had planned that if I foresaw someone coming on to her, I would let her know that I had always liked her, and that I wasn't trying to make her uncomfortable, but I just didn't want to lose any chance of being able to go out with her. But fucking Ralph. . . . I'm sorry, let me do this as objectively as I can.
I was sitting in Lee and Bella's room, listening to music and doing my homework with Lee (I hung around her as much as I could without making it too obvious), when Bella began talking to Lee about an issue I was unaware of, and they were kind of talking in code ("You know that thing? Yeah, what do you think about that?"). I asked Lee if she minded talking to me about it, since we shared everything, and this is what she said: "Me and Ralph might have a thing".
My heart stopped. My brain shut off. I felt like throwing up. Goosebumps covered my entire body. I began to shiver, but I subdued it enough so that she couldn't readily notice. Lee noticed my concentration was way off of the math at this point, and she asked me if anything was wrong. I shrugged my shoulders, meaning yes obviously. She offered to take a break and go on a walk with her, and I readily accepted.
I learned that Ralph and Lee were hanging out in Ralph's room listening to music, when out of the blue Ralph told Lee that he had feelings for her. He already knew that she wasn't ready for a relationship, yet he had the nerve to do this to her anyway. She tells him again that she isn't ready for a relationship, but then the fucking girls on the floor. . . . *sigh*
But then the girls on the floor almost talk her into giving him a chance. Now at this point she is utterly confused and doesn't know what to do. During our walk, I work up the nerve to tell her that I like her, although I tone down the degree to which I like her so that she won't be weirded out or anything--however, I do let her know that I like her quite a bit, and it's definitely the serious kind. She was very understanding and quite frankly shocked that two guys could like her. You see, she has low self-esteem (why, I don't know) and assumed that I still liked Alice just because of what she looked like. She told me she didn't know what she was going to say to Ralph, and that she is so sorry that I was so crushed. Now, at this point, Ralph constantly has his arm around her shoulder, and she isn't backing away from him. Is she just too kind to brush him off or is she really interested?
Needless to say, I didn't sleep one second last night, and I cried for the first time in years.
Today, I felt like a zombie, going through the motions. I threw up as soon as I woke up, barely reaching the sink. I heard the professors talking but it was all indiscernable to me. During my breaks in between classes when I would normally hang out with friends, I lied in my bed, crying occassionally. Just a few hours ago, I pulled myself together enough to ask Lee these questions:
"Do you like Ralph?"
"I don't know."
"Do you like me?"
"I don't know."
If she had said that she liked him, I would have respected her choice and allowed them to have a relationship for her sake, because I like her too damn much, all the while sinking into a deep depression the likes of which I have never experienced.
If she had said that she didn't like me, I would have done the same, but here she remains on the fence.
"Is the door still open for me? Do I still have a chance?"
"Yes."
"Are you ready for a relationship?"
"I don't know."
So we just hugged for about five minutes and I came up here and lied in bed for about an hour, now more confused than ever, and just as depressed. I felt a burning desire to type all my feelings out, and it occurred to me that I had you all, a community of hundreds of people whom I respect, whom have more experience than I in matters such as these. So please, if you have anything to say at all, feel free to do so. My life is in shambles right now and I could really use some support. Thank you all so much in advance.
~Vet
The only way I can make you understand is from the very beginning (names will be changed to keep this from being blatently obvious to anyone from SCU who happens to read this). I arrived at SCU (Santa Clara University) two months ago, which prompted my respite (retirement?) from FFXI. I quickly made close friends here on the third floor of Walsh Residence Hall. Being around these people twenty-four-seven sure brings the relationships along at a torrent pace. I guess I'll outline my closest friends here (remember, names are changed so they may sound strange):
The Guys:
Gow, the globally-ranked badminton player: Gow is a really cool guy and fun to be around; however, he flirts with all the girls which is alright until he gets a girlfriend. He and Bella may have something going on so he had better stop soon.
Ron, one of four Filipino exchange students whom I know: Ron is also a really great guy; I'm pretty sure he's gay but nevertheless he is really cool to hang out with and he's great to have deep conversations with.
Ralph, another Filipino exchange student: Ralph lived in L.A. for much of his childhood, so he is the most Americanized of the exchange students (I actually didn't know he was an exchange student until the second week). Ralph is also a really great guy, and I considered myself very close friends with him up until yesterday--a part of me still likes him, but a part of me hates him more than I've hated anyone perhaps in my entire life. More on this later.
Earl, another exchange student: Earl is very smart but a tad socially awkward. Nonetheless, he is well-liked and his social quirks liven up the scene most times. I must say he is a great guy as well. He is roommates with Ron and Ralph (the only "triple" on the floor).
Matt, my roommate: Matt was incredibly reclusive for the first two weeks of school, practically living in his bed with his laptop all day long. We as a community eventually broke him out of it, and now he is one of the coolest guys around. He is a man of few words but every one of them is golden. He is very intelligent, has a quick wit, and is overall a joy to be around.
Carl, probably the guy who is the most comfortable with his sexuality that I've ever met: Carl seems very extroverted, but in reality he is shy by nature. He is the least gay guy you would ever meet, but he occassionally kisses guys on the cheeks just to get a reaction--I'm pretty comfortable with my sexuality as well so he didn't creep me out too much, but I must admit he got me. He is currently attempting to woo Alice, but this is a secret so only a handful of us are aware. He is Gow's roommate.
Dave, the closet nerd: On the surface, Dave is a skater, a pot-smoker, and he had to go to military school because of his behavior. Underneath, he is a computer nerd, plays Magic the Gathering, and is a level 60 something-or-other in WoW. He is currently kinda-sorta with Alice.
Dong, the other computer nerd: Not that I'm not one myself, but Dong takes it to another level. I specialize in software--not only are his software skills superior to mine, but he can find hardware problems usually within minutes as well. He also plays Magic and WoW along with Dave, and they are roomates so I guess that works out pretty well. The one thing about Dong is that he has no apparent sex drive. We can only speculate that he must be gay (he does hang out with Matt a lot), but that's really not a big deal anyway.
The Girls:
Alice, the sexy latina: I was instantly attracted to Alice upon arriving at SCU, and I tried to win her over but I forgot that I'm ugly. She simply had no attraction toward me. She is very cool, however, and I feel that I can talk to her about deep issues. I actually started liking her, but I nipped it in the bud because I knew it would only cause heartache down the road--I was moderately depressed for a day or two after I did that but I felt fine afterwards. She is a close friend of mine now.
Bella, the female Filipino exchange student: Bella is very sweet--we have equated making fun of her to making fun of a puppy: you just can't bring yourself to do it. She is very prudish and innocent but we are breaking her shell a bit (we actually got her to say "fuck" once or twice). The only boyfriend she has ever had was with her for a year before she called him her boyfriend, and another year before they even kissed. Kudos to that guy for patience, eh?
Lee, the smart, funny, witty, amazing girl who is caring and kind and prompted this visit to you all: It all started as a very close, very deep friendship. She was giving me tips trying to help me win over Alice, and when I failed she consoled me. We took long walks together and discussed life in general--she told me how her mother had passed away from cancer just months before, and I consoled her. We talked about relationships, and how she had only had one prior boyfriend--she was surprised to learn I had never had a girlfriend. You see, I was always told that I was "too nice", or "boyfriend material, just not for me", or "it would ruin our friendship", or any other tidbit of utter garbage that you can think of. After all of these heart-to-hearts, I was beginning to develop feelings for Lee. The way she smiled all cute with her tongue sticking out ever-so-slightly, the way she would curl up and blush when she got embarassed, the way she laughed. . . . It seems I'm typing too much here; let me move on to the bulk of this.
As you know, it all started with me being attracted to and then even liking Alice. I had liked several girls before, and this was no different. When things didn't pan out, I was sad, maybe even a little depressed, but I dusted myself off and got over it like I always have. Then I started hanging out with Lee more and more, and not only is she by far the best friend I have made here, I like her more with every passing minute. I can't call it love because I know it can't be, but it makes me wonder if I ever really liked any of those girls at all, because this is a whole other level, a whole other degree. This is the strongest attachment I've ever felt to a girl in this manner, by a long shot.
Anyway, here is the major problem: during one of our heart-to-hearts, after I had just begun to like her, she mentioned that she had just recently had a messy breakup with her ex, and she wasn't ready for a relationship. Wanting to respect her space, I hid my feelings for her, but like a fool I let them grow, thinking that someday she may be ready and I could ask her out. I had planned that if I foresaw someone coming on to her, I would let her know that I had always liked her, and that I wasn't trying to make her uncomfortable, but I just didn't want to lose any chance of being able to go out with her. But fucking Ralph. . . . I'm sorry, let me do this as objectively as I can.
I was sitting in Lee and Bella's room, listening to music and doing my homework with Lee (I hung around her as much as I could without making it too obvious), when Bella began talking to Lee about an issue I was unaware of, and they were kind of talking in code ("You know that thing? Yeah, what do you think about that?"). I asked Lee if she minded talking to me about it, since we shared everything, and this is what she said: "Me and Ralph might have a thing".
My heart stopped. My brain shut off. I felt like throwing up. Goosebumps covered my entire body. I began to shiver, but I subdued it enough so that she couldn't readily notice. Lee noticed my concentration was way off of the math at this point, and she asked me if anything was wrong. I shrugged my shoulders, meaning yes obviously. She offered to take a break and go on a walk with her, and I readily accepted.
I learned that Ralph and Lee were hanging out in Ralph's room listening to music, when out of the blue Ralph told Lee that he had feelings for her. He already knew that she wasn't ready for a relationship, yet he had the nerve to do this to her anyway. She tells him again that she isn't ready for a relationship, but then the fucking girls on the floor. . . . *sigh*
But then the girls on the floor almost talk her into giving him a chance. Now at this point she is utterly confused and doesn't know what to do. During our walk, I work up the nerve to tell her that I like her, although I tone down the degree to which I like her so that she won't be weirded out or anything--however, I do let her know that I like her quite a bit, and it's definitely the serious kind. She was very understanding and quite frankly shocked that two guys could like her. You see, she has low self-esteem (why, I don't know) and assumed that I still liked Alice just because of what she looked like. She told me she didn't know what she was going to say to Ralph, and that she is so sorry that I was so crushed. Now, at this point, Ralph constantly has his arm around her shoulder, and she isn't backing away from him. Is she just too kind to brush him off or is she really interested?
Needless to say, I didn't sleep one second last night, and I cried for the first time in years.
Today, I felt like a zombie, going through the motions. I threw up as soon as I woke up, barely reaching the sink. I heard the professors talking but it was all indiscernable to me. During my breaks in between classes when I would normally hang out with friends, I lied in my bed, crying occassionally. Just a few hours ago, I pulled myself together enough to ask Lee these questions:
"Do you like Ralph?"
"I don't know."
"Do you like me?"
"I don't know."
If she had said that she liked him, I would have respected her choice and allowed them to have a relationship for her sake, because I like her too damn much, all the while sinking into a deep depression the likes of which I have never experienced.
If she had said that she didn't like me, I would have done the same, but here she remains on the fence.
"Is the door still open for me? Do I still have a chance?"
"Yes."
"Are you ready for a relationship?"
"I don't know."
So we just hugged for about five minutes and I came up here and lied in bed for about an hour, now more confused than ever, and just as depressed. I felt a burning desire to type all my feelings out, and it occurred to me that I had you all, a community of hundreds of people whom I respect, whom have more experience than I in matters such as these. So please, if you have anything to say at all, feel free to do so. My life is in shambles right now and I could really use some support. Thank you all so much in advance.
~Vet
.
If you two are meant to be together then you will be, in time.
