- Joined
- Feb 11, 2005
- Messages
- 5,126
- Age
- 41
So, I need confidence. I agree with this. I won't be successful if I'm not. Now confidence is something everyone wants. I'm not unconfident by choice. If gaining confidence was just a mental light switch away, you can believe I would switch it. If I'm going to get confident, I need a trigger. Aside from looking better, I don't know what to do. Confidence won't spring forth from a void, as far as I know.
I admit I'm the kind of guy you meet who's looking down at his shoes and scratching the back of his head while talking to you. This won't do. If I make a conscious effort to look a person in the eyes while talking, they tend to look away. In other words, when I'm not being me (cowing my head), I feel like I'm freaking people out. So, I'll work on it.
EDIT: Thursday, I'll go to the bar and see if I can't just say hi to some stranger. If it happens, that'll be a first. Every friend, no exaggeration, that I have, either made the initiative and came to me, or was thrust upon me by fate, such as a coworker or classmate. Not once in my life, and it's weird even thinking about it now, have I ever initiated a friendship voluntarily. That I have a good handful of friends in life is a testament to people being good in general, and not to any good in me.
If you follow some of the things I told you, it'll really feel like a switch flick. Focus on improvin' the things that make you look at your shoes and scratch the back of the head, let fixin' those be your trigger. The best way to go about that is to look people in the eye and don't care what they think when they look away, you're probably readin' to much into it in the first place.
However, lookin' someone in the eyes while you speak is more of a relative term. Don't stare at them like they're a freak, fixated on their eyes. Just give them a glance once in a while, basically, show attention to them and show them you respect yourself by not lookin' all shy and worried about carryin' a conversation. Do what feels nature, lookin' at the floor aside. It's really a sign of disrespect to look down while talkin' to someone. Honestly I make it a point not to stand face to face when carryin' on a conversation, it's much easier for me to be side to side, in a friendly manner that isn't work related. That way you can look ahead or around and every once in a while glance at them to show your attentiveness. There are lots of little tricks and the more you find, the better off you'll be.
To me it sounds like your first step needs to be this; love yourself. Everyone has a crummy spot in their history of bein'. You need to be happy with YOURSELF first and that doesn't mean you need to be happy with your life in general but happy with who you are and what you do. There is no need to feel discouraged with your current situation once you choose to fix it, like you have. Start a fresh new page, as silly as it sounds, and from then on forget about the old you and focus on the new exclusively.
Another little trick, especially if you're headed to a bar, is to at least pretend to like sports even if you don't. After high school I stopped watchin' and carin' about sports. However, I found it way to easy to go to a bar and begin' a conversation over a sport bein' played over the T.V. When I noticed this I started payin' more attention to sports again. Sports is a very, very good common ground for a lot of people. Start with a simple sport chat to show them you're approachable and open for conversation then let it go from their.
Also, some bar tips for Thursday: Don't ever just say "Hi" to someone when you're tryin' to stir up a conversation, it's to simple to disregard. My openin' line is always somethin' to try to get a conversation goin', like "How's it goin'" or "What's good with ya today" that'll usually at least get more than a nod and often times somethin' to go off of. I rarely introduce myself either, don't go in there lookin' or expectin' to make a friend for longer than they're goin' to be there or you are. Pay attention to what people are doin' and wearin' too, those are easy targets. Nine times out of ten I can walk into a bar out here where someone will be readin', wearin' a sports item, or somethin' to get an easy conversation from. Also, carry a lighter, even if you don't smoke. That little bit there has done more for me than anything, especially with silly women who don't smoke unless they drink. Also, chattin' it up with the bartender is a median to chattin' with the entire bar, do ittttt.
Anyway, with all the input you've gotten this week you're probably overloaded with stuff you feel you need to do. Don't worry about it, just work on discardin' your nerves and everything will probably just come natural. Don't walk into the bar lookin' to be the high-life, just go and try to start a chat, even if you don't get a chat out of the night, at least leave there able to say you tried and hopefully don't let it get to you, that'll be the first sign of discardin' your nerves.