What is your favorite joke?

So I am walking down the street, And I see a pirate. I start getting all excited, duuuuuuude a real pirate so I go up to him.

I look him up and down, he's got the peg leg, the hook for a hand and the eye patch, sweets.

So I ask "WOW a real pirate, I gotta know, where did the peg leg come from"

He responds (in a very Barbosa style voice) " Well matey, there I was, sailing the high seas, when suddenly I came up to a merchent vessel. I pull up the black flag and we fire cannons at each other, I sunk his ship, but the bastard, well he got me leg."

Im like "HOLY COW ARE YOU SERIOUS THATS SO COOL!!!" "Ok OK OK, the hook, were did that come from."

"Well lad, me and boys were up in the caribbean and decided to wrestle some alligators. Couple mates got eatten, but i was about subdue the bastard, saddly, he got me hand"

"HOLY CRAP, AN ALLIGATOR ATE IT THATS AWSOME!!!!" "Ok, the eye patch, what awsome pirate tale is there for that????"

"Well I once had me a bird, and the pretty parate was flying high above me and i was watching him from below, but then what do you know, the little bastard shat in me eye."

"............ so, what did it get infected or somethin?"

"Well you see, I had just gotten the hook."
 
A penguin was driving his car through the desert when all of a sudden, the car starts to shake, overheats, and steam starts shooting out of the engine.

He pulls his car off the desert road to a mechanics shop.

The mechanic says, "Have a seat inside, while I take a look at your car for you."

The penguin goes into the waiting room area, and discovers that there is a vending machine with ice cream bars for sale in it. He buys one, sits down and starts to eat it.

Since it's in the desert, the ice cream gets all melty and drips all over him while he's trying to eat it with his flippers.

The mechanic comes in and says, "Well Mr Penguin, it appears you've blown a seal."

And the penguin replies, "Oh, no no...this is just ice cream."
 
Mortanis that so friggin Wins. I LOL'd heartily.
 
LadyKiKi said:
The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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I've seen the video for that... and its better watching it
 
my older brother lives near this local church reformed into a concert hall(guess its getting popular)

to walk to the store on the corner i have to walk by the church

Everyonce and a while ill stop by a group of ppl standing near the church and ask them with my most serious face i can muster:

"Hey you guys have tickets for the show?"

I quickly reply with "The gun show" (as i flex my fairly thin boney arms)


Also used the joke at a computer expo one time(but the show on the other side of the building was actually a gun show -_-)
 
Langly said:
So a dislexic guy walks into a bra.
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Chuash said:
a bra?
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I'm sorry, but I just had to lol @ you Chaush lol


A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
 
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I liked this one when I was waiting for something ---

So there is this guy and a girl in a car, and the guy is driving. So the guy drives out to the farthest place he can where no one will be. Well you know girls and boys together they do things when alone. So when all is done and the boy and girl are sitting in the car. The girl says "You know I'm a hooker and that will cost you $20." So the boy reluctuntly(sp?) hands over the money. The girl asks the boy if she can go home and he responds "Well, you see I'm a taxi driver and the drive home is $25."
 
Consider this:

You're in a room with Hitler, A Lawer, and Jack the Ripper. You have a gun with only two bullets. Who do you shoot?

....

The lawyer.. Twice.
 
A friend told me this one...

If you were riding a horse and a guy named Jack helped you off the horse would you help Jack off the horse?

... >.<
 
Raesylil said:
A friend told me this one...

If you were riding a horse and a guy named Jack helped you off the horse would you help Jack off the horse?

... >.<
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I thought it was supposed to be "Capitalization is the difference between 'I helped my uncle Jack off the horse' and 'I helped my uncle jack off the horse'"
 
Like i said I heard it from a friend and I posted the way he told it to me.
There may be some variations to it I dunno.
 
Raesylil said:
Like i said I heard it from a friend and I posted the way he told it to me.
There may be some variations to it I dunno.
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Yeah, I wasn't blaming you. I wrote what I was saying badly, I meant "I heard it differently" Sorry>.>;
 
How are women and hurricanes alike?

wait..

When they arrive they're all wet and wild, but when they leave they take your car and your house.
 
A Day On the Job For St. Peter
There are 3 guys waiting to get into heaven.

St. Peter says, "Heavens getting pretty full today so the I can only let in those who have had particularly horrible deaths."

The 1st guy says "Well ,for a while I suspected my wife was cheating on me so today I came home early. I live on the 25th floor I could tell something was wrong. So, I looked to see where the guy could be hiding. I went out to the balcony and sure enough, there was a guy hangingoff the railing. By now I was really mad and started kicking and beating him He let go and fell, but fell into some bushes that just stunned him.I ran back to the kitchen and got our fridge on the balcony and pushed it on top of him. I had a heart attack doing it and died."

St. Peter says, "That sounds pretty bad." And let him into heaven.

The second guy tells St.Peter, "It's been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor and I do exercises out on my balcony. I must have slipped because I fell over the railing and caught the railing on the floor below. I thought I was saved till this crazy man came out and started beating on me. Finally,I let go and fell in some bushes. I thought I was a really lucky guy until the refridgerator fell on me."

St. Peter again says, "That sounds pretty bad." And let him into heaven.

The third man goes to St. Peter and says, "Okay, picture this , I'm hiding naked in this refridgerator..."
 
What does a Lesbian bring on a 2nd date?

*wait*

A moving van.

(haha... not so funny...)

Part2

What does a gay guy bring on the 2nd date?

*wait*

What 2nd date? >.>

Har har.
 
I typed all this up and then considered not posting it. So yea, bit of a racey joke - bad pun v.v;

There's 3 guys walkin along, a mexican, a black man, and a caucasian. They come across a bottle, so one of them picks it up and a genie pops out. When he comes out, he says he'll grant them all 1 wish.

The mexican says, I'd like all my fellow mexicans to go to mexico and to be prosperous. The genie claps his hands and all the mexicans are now in mexico living a prosperous life.

The black man says, I'd like all my niggas to go back to Africa and be prosperous. The genie claps his hands and all the black people are now in africa living prosperous.

The caucasian inquires, "So all the mexicans are in mexico, and all the black people are in Africa?" The Genie replies, "Yes." So the caucasian exclaims "I'll just take a coke."
 
I probably won't be able to tell this one as good as it was told to me but I'll do my best. This one kind of takes a shot at women. Don't worry though, it's nothing degrading or nasty.

One day there was a guy who stumbled upon a lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out came a genie. The genie says "I'll grant you one wish." So the guy got to thinking and said "I would like there to be a bridge that goes across the ocean." The genie then denies. The guy says "but your a genie right? you should be able to grant me that wish without any problems." The genie says, "I'm sorry but I just can't do that. That is a bit beyond my power. You'll have to think of another wish." So the guy got to thinking again and got another idea. The guy said, "I wish for you to give me the ablity to understand my wife. Shes so complicated and I can never understand her and how she ticks. I wish for you to help me understand her." So the genie responds, "Do you want that bridge 2 lanes or 4?"
 
this is a rather bad one, but I laughed the first time I heard it...

What do you call a black man that flys an airplane?

*pause*

A pilot. What are you, a racist?
 
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