Bad Jokes

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes​


That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu
 
Hitokiri said:
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes​



That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu
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hehehe this made me giggle ^^
 
What kind of cheese, is not your cheese.
Spoiler:
Nacho Cheese


Are you Jamaican? Because you're Jamaican me crazy.


A bear walks in a bar and asks for a "Sex on a... ... ... beach."
Bartender asks, "What's with the huge pause??"
Bear says, "I've had them all my life."
 
Little Billy is on a fishing trip with his Grandpa.

After a while, Grandpa opens up his lunchbox and pulls out a beer.

Billy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer too?"

Grandpa replies, "Can you stick your dick between your legs and make it touch your asshole?"

Billy relies, "Well no I can't."

Grandpa replies, "Well then no, you aren't old enough for a beer."

Some more time passes, and Grandad reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pipe and starts to smoke.

Billy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a smoke too?"

Grandpa replies, "Can you stick your dick between your legs and make it touch your asshole?"

Billy relies, "Well no I can't."

Grandpa replies, "Well then no, you aren't old enough for a smoke."

More time passes, and Little Billy pulls out some cookies Grandma made.

Grandpa asks, "Hey there Billy, can I have a cookie?"

Billy asks, "Can you stick your dick between your legs and make it touch your asshole?"

Grandad smiles and replies, "Well yes Billy I can."

Billy says, "Well go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."
 
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'
 
There's an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman sitting on a construction site, having there lunch break.
The Englishman bites into his sandwich and shouts "YUK! marmite! I hate marmite! if i get marmite again tomorrow i'm gonna climb to the top and throw myself off this building!"
The Scotsman bite into his sandwich and shouts "YUK! Pickles! I hate pickles! If i get pickles again tomorrow i'll climb to the top and throw myself off the building!"
The Irishman bites into his sandwich and shouts "YUK! Cheese! I hate Cheese! if i get cheese again tomorrow i'll throw myself off this building!"

So the next day comes, and the 3 sit down for lunch again.
The englishman takes a bite from his sandwich, and it's marmite, so he climbs to the top of the building and throws himself off.
The Scotsman takes a bite from his sandwich and again, it's pickles so he climbs to the top of the building and throws himself off.
The Irishman takes a bite, it's cheese, climbs up, throws himself off.

Some time passes, and the 3 mens widows find themselves at the funeral.
The Englishmans wife says "He never told me he didn't like Marmite, I can't believe this happened!"
The Scotsmans wife says "I always thought he liked pickles! If only he'd told me i'd have made him something different!"
The Irishmans wife says "I have no idea why my husband threw himself off the building, he made his own sandwiches."
 
Bladewind said:
The Englishman bites into his sandwich and shouts "YUK! marmite! I hate marmite! if i get marmite again tomorrow i'm gonna climb to the top and throw myself off this building!"
Click to expand...

Made me laugh because my dad LOVES marmite. Gross British yeast spread...
 
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.


Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom'.


With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.

She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren..

Love,

Your Son Paul
Click to expand...





P.S. Mom, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Dustin's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home
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A man is driving down a county road when he sees a sign advertising a fruit sellers wares. The sign reads "Apples $25 a bag". The man thinks to himself "Wow those are expensive, I wonder what is up?" and pulls over.

The fruit seller says that they are special apples, Ham and cheese apples, and asks the man to try one. The man takes a bite and says "Wow that tastes just like Ham!" The fruit seller says "turn it around". The man takes a bite from the other side and says "Wow fresh Cheese! These are amazing I want a whole bag." He pays and heads down the road.

A ways down the road he sees another sign. "Oranges $30 a bag." After his last discovery he decided he must pull over and see what this sellers angle was. The Seller tells him "These are Peanut Butter and Jelly Oranges, taste just like PB & J" and askes the man to try one. "wow! that tastes just like peanut butter" says the man. The seller says "Turn it around." The man takes a bite from the other side and is excited to taste fresh Rasberry jelly. He buys a whole bag and heads on his way.

Another few miles down the road he sees a sign for "Pears $50 a bag" The man is sure he found another taste sensation so he pulls over to inquire. The seller say he has a real treat. "These are Pussy Pears, they taste just like pussy" and asks the man to try one. The man takes a bite and says "AWHWH Man that Tastes Like Shit!"

The seller says "turn it around"
 
So this newfie named Norm got fired at work for putting his dink in the pickle slicer.

He went over to a buddies and over some beers told his story. After some chuckles his buddies ask..

"What happened to the pickle slicer?"

Norm answered "Well she got fired too"
 
Hitokiri said:
What's the best thing about rooting a 12 year old girl?
Spoiler:
Turn her over, and you have a 12 year old boy.
Click to expand...

Whats the best part of nailing twenty-five year olds ?
Spoiler:
Theres twenty of them


Edit:: messed it up first time
 
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What's Red and taste like Blue Paint?
Spoiler:
Red Paint...


What do you call 10,000 Dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
Spoiler:
A good Start...


What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby?
Spoiler:
Aroused...


And finally...(Works better in spoken form, but here goes...)

"A termite walks into a bar and asks where's the bar tender."
 
JerkFace said:
Another few miles down the road he sees a sign for "Pears $50 a bag" The man is sure he found another taste sensation so he pulls over to inquire. The seller say he has a real treat. "These are Pussy Pears, they taste just like pussy" and asks the man to try one. The man takes a bite and says "AWHWH Man that Tastes Like Shit!"

The seller says "turn it around"
Click to expand...

My friends used to tell that joke all the time, but I never understood it. Why would anyone willingly snack on something pussy-flavored all day? You go down because of the reward for doing it. Nobody dives in and says, "Mmmm, welcome to flavor country."
 
What did the man say to his wife after he walked into a bar?

Spoiler:
Ow! Why are we walking in a construction site?
 
Pasquale said:
My friends used to tell that joke all the time, but I never understood it. Why would anyone willingly snack on something pussy-flavored all day? You go down because of the reward for doing it. Nobody dives in and says, "Mmmm, welcome to flavor country."
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There are people who like all kinds of different things that many other people consider disgusting. Why is it not plausible that there are really people who like the taste?
 
Linhjah said:
There are people who like all kinds of different things that many other people consider disgusting. Why is it not plausible that there are really people who like the taste?
Click to expand...

I didn't say it was disgusting, just not something one would want to taste all day.
 
Pasquale said:
I didn't say it was disgusting, just not something one would want to taste all day.
Click to expand...

Your telling me if someone handed you a pear, and swore that it taste like pussy, you wouldn't at least try it?

I think your over analyzing the joke. =P
 
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Thelona said:
Your telling me if someone handed you a pear, and swore that it taste like pussy, you wouldn't at least try it?

I think your over analyzing the joke. =P
Click to expand...

I wouldn't pay $50 for it.

I was just making a bad joke about a bad joke in a thread about bad jokes.
 
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